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Post by baza on Jun 7, 2016 9:25:54 GMT -5
You are essentially describing "counter refusal" here Brother Chris.
A well known tactic from the old EP group.
I personally think it is a good move to make.
Because it puts you back in control and ownership of your own sexual identity, and that's a good thing.
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What I haven't seen though, is a policy of counter refusal doing anything other than hastening the end of the dysfunctional marriage.(not necessarily a bad thing)
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But it "might" provoke an offer of "re-set sex".
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I truly hope your event was a genuine reconnection Brother Chris, and not "re-set sex".
Time will tell, avoidants usually cannot sustain the pace for very long. A month or two, tops. So if you are still both firing in August, you might be on a winner.
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jun 7, 2016 13:00:22 GMT -5
You are a wise one baza. Regarding lwoetin- I was hoping to encourage him to take him self back as a man. To show W that he is no longer subject to the ups and downs of her rejection/neglect. But for her to realize unfortunately that there are consequences to neglecting your spouse including no more closeness, romantic pursuit,flirting, anniversaries, etc. Birthdays are okay, and he will re-create a life of enjoyment with or without her. He is hurting and I would love for him to learn to say no to anything he does not feel like doing and take on 1-2 activities now that interest him. He needs to get back to that confident, hopeful man at pre-marriage like the rest of us.
Saturday - TBH, I was just taking what I could get. It was early and I saw no kid in the bed so.... If rejected, I resolved to "not care" and just get on with the day. She knew I was short changed on vacation so she obliged. Plus, since I have been refusing to take buying a home seriously or really discuss, she knows I will not drive and look at anything with her when I have been neglected. It was obvious as later Saturday (6/4), she arranged we go out for Sushi and also talked about homes again as though all were well on the home front- just evidence of the control refusers yield and they know it; they are not so innocent. As stated here in another thread, we love our spouses and no one wants divorce so yes, re-set sex is hoped for. But I agree and will not count on her sustaining the pace. Meanwhile, I am still looking for a property with two to four units so the kids can have us both and we can afford a split (as horrible as that feels or sounds). That's my new way of looking at buying a property "jointly".
Quick note, I'm working from home today - at least when I am not here typing - and my W called asking if I would go to the school and help load her 2 desks, chair and stuff onto a friends truck to bring here, She assumed since I am home and she has an eye exam, I would assist. I said I will NOT go there and help. But if they bring stuff here, I'd tell them where to place it in the garage. I know it sounds lame or like no big deal but these small acts of independence and not rolling every time our refusers ask, is remarkably empowering removes just a bit of control from the one with too much of it.
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Post by thefullmoon on Jun 7, 2016 13:05:36 GMT -5
thefullmoon, she tells me of incidences of japanese husbands having extramarital affairs. She just wants me to be like the ones that doesn't. We've been living together in southeast and mid-atlantic for 22yrs. She's still a citizen of japan and holds that most couples our age don't have sex there. Which means little to me. I just tell her we'll keep it a secret and won't tell anyone what we do in the bedroom. Her best friend in seattle does not do it but gives a handjob on one hand while using a phone on the other, supposedly. Her best friend's marriage is heading towards divorce. Several other friends of hers are already divorced. Her world where she get what she wants can't hold up. baza, I do have a far better hand but.... And seriously, sex is only fun if she wants it so trying to use my perceived advantage to create opportunities for sexual activity might make her more turned off to sex. The only solution I see is for her to have sex lovingly. I am really just confused what is the big deal with opening her legs and making love. Any refusers out there to shed light on this? Sorry again...she picks and choose.. She wants to be like true Japanese wife, but does not want Japanese style husband... Couple of your age might not have sex...but I bet any money the husbands still do...by the way a while ago at one forum I read about foreing women married to Japanese husbands...indeed many women complained that after having babies sex dried up...cultural thing, sort of madonna and whore complex... so one lady told there are plenty of AM style dating sites there ladies looking for the solution of sexless marriage... I am very interested in Japan and its culture..wanted to go to uni, but in my country it was near impossible... so I just read many things about the country... I think you will find a company of women (in any country) who don't like sex and they definetely will try to find good reasons why... |
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Post by leifericson on Mar 7, 2017 13:02:26 GMT -5
She got tired of waiting for me to clear our yard so she went out and pulled weeds and put pine needles all around. I love it when she goes out and does yardwork. I like her sweaty and hot. Yard looks nice. Except she got poison ivy. Is this a valid excuse to not have sex? I ask anyway ( I've cleared the yard for 14 years and apparently low sensitivity to poison ivy). I am persistent in pissing her off and been rejected hundreds of times. But she claims she wants to make our marriage work 110%. Wow, that is a large number. I like effort a lot. Again, the usual....she complained I lack empathy and sympathy to her pain and lack of sleep...with the poison ivy. Maybe. I am used to rejection and still looked happy and she still upset. Then the zinger....she followed that up with a novel hook...I took a chance marrying you. That kind of stopped me. I go and sit on the couch and thought, What does that mean? So I had to ask. What did she mean by that. She replied, I was just kidding. Then started laughing it off. But she was not laughing when she said it at the time. Hmmmm... -lw (aka, the janitor) too funny petrushka  Did she get poison ivy in her mouth too? |
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Post by shamwow on Mar 7, 2017 19:17:55 GMT -5
Actually - if a woman has a rash- valid excuse. Unless you catch her rubbing it on herself to maintain the excuse. In that case, you mate finds poison ivy more desirable than you. |
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Post by wewbwb on Mar 7, 2017 21:19:26 GMT -5
Actually - if a woman has a rash- valid excuse. Unless you catch her rubbing it on herself to maintain the excuse. In that case, you mate finds poison ivy more desirable than you. If she rubbing poison ivy on herself to avoid contact, there are larger issues involved. |
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Post by baza on Mar 7, 2017 22:47:45 GMT -5
All any avoidants excuse has to be, is enough to get you second guessing yourself and into a state of inertia.
The excuse does NOT have to make sense, it does NOT have to be logical, it does NOT have to be factual. Indeed it can be (and usually is) complete bullshit.
But as long as it stops you in your tracks, that's good enough. The mission is a success.
As long as you swallow the excuse - or at least don't challenge it - then it is a "good" excuse.
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Post by lwoetin on Mar 8, 2017 12:57:20 GMT -5
She got tired of waiting for me to clear our yard so she went out and pulled weeds and put pine needles all around. I love it when she goes out and does yardwork. I like her sweaty and hot. Yard looks nice. Except she got poison ivy. Is this a valid excuse to not have sex? I ask anyway ( I've cleared the yard for 14 years and apparently low sensitivity to poison ivy). I am persistent in pissing her off and been rejected hundreds of times. But she claims she wants to make our marriage work 110%. Wow, that is a large number. I like effort a lot. Again, the usual....she complained I lack empathy and sympathy to her pain and lack of sleep...with the poison ivy. Maybe. I am used to rejection and still looked happy and she still upset. Then the zinger....she followed that up with a novel hook...I took a chance marrying you. That kind of stopped me. I go and sit on the couch and thought, What does that mean? So I had to ask. What did she mean by that. She replied, I was just kidding. Then started laughing it off. But she was not laughing when she said it at the time. Hmmmm... -lw (aka, the janitor) too funny petrushka Did she get poison ivy in her mouth too? No, she's not into that even without poison ivy. I'd like to think the size reminds her of a soda can. But I don't know for sure. |
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Post by Dan on Mar 9, 2017 12:12:22 GMT -5
Except she got poison ivy. Is this a valid excuse to not have sex? Umm... yes. Not because you can "catch it" (it doesn't spread, contrary to what some believe)... but just because you want your sex partner to be focused on YOU and the GOOD FEELINGS... not itching! Now, if she exposed herself to poison ivy on purpose to avoid sex... well, then she the deserves a trophy for this year's "Most Deranged Sexual Avoidance Technique". |
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Post by hopingforachange on Mar 9, 2017 14:02:49 GMT -5
It would depend on their reaction and how bad the rash is. If we are talking a little bit on her arm, she can cut an old sock and place it over the rash. I know a friend that would get it very easily and she would lotion her arm up and cover it. Her significant other has no reaction to poison ivy, so there wasn't any concern with giving it to him.
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