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Post by tamara68 on Mar 2, 2021 15:17:14 GMT -5
I left my ex in sept. 2016. He did what he could to block contact between me and my daughter. Last month she turned 20. I have not seen her for almost a quarter of her life so far.
I have been e-mailing her regularly without receiving answers. With just a few exceptions. I received only a few short messages that clearly were dictated by her dad in a demanding upleasant way.
Last week I received a very formal e-mail from my daughter's mailadres , demanding me to state something about something financial. The content doesn't really matter. But what was very disturbing, is that my daughter wrote that she is the 'intermediary' for her dad. I should reply to her. I didn't immediately respond. The next day I got a reminder in a little friendlier tone of voice. A day later I responded to her how nice it was to hear from her and a little chit chat. I wrote I'd answer her dad's question to him directly. And I did. No surprise I got a message from her that I had ignored the 'fact' that she was intermediary and should reply to her. I wrote back a couple of hours later that we better talk about it on the phone. She didn't answer to that anymore.
All of this made me incredibly sad. Because the moment her tone of voice was a little friendlier, I felt hopeful and immediately imagined that we would have a more normal contact again and meet each other again. But after the later e-mails that hope was gone. It makes me mad and sad that her dad hides behind her and uses her as his puppet doll. Pulling the strings. I am afraid she will take over his insane and manipulating ways.
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Post by jim44444 on Mar 2, 2021 16:10:37 GMT -5
I feel sorry for you and sorry for your daughter. Her dad loves his ego much more then he loves her. It is unfortunate that she has not matured enough to see reality.
I hope you can continue some communication.
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Post by tamara68 on Mar 2, 2021 16:44:52 GMT -5
I feel sorry for you and sorry for your daughter. Her dad loves his ego much more then he loves her. It is unfortunate that she has not matured enough to see reality. I hope you can continue some communication. She doesn't get much chance to mature. He doesn't give her the opportunity. I hope communication with her will continue and improve. But it is walking on egg shells. knowing that her dad controls everything. |
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Post by saarinista on Mar 2, 2021 17:42:03 GMT -5
I feel sorry for you and sorry for your daughter. Her dad loves his ego much more then he loves her. It is unfortunate that she has not matured enough to see reality. I hope you can continue some communication. She doesn't get much chance to mature. He doesn't give her the opportunity. I hope communication with her will continue and improve. But it is walking on egg shells. knowing that her dad controls everything. Her dad controls himself. She controls herself. |
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Post by jerri on Mar 2, 2021 18:44:12 GMT -5
That's really strange!?!? I almost thought that she was up to some kind of shenanigans.
It just sounds like they are both stuck in their teens and neither wants to grow up.
The sad part is that she's obviously getting your support, probably in more ways than one.
Probably one of his games. It's just so weird!!! What a strange bird, be an adult!! Why does he need to be protected by an intermediary?
I thought you were not supposed to use children as pawns!
They are busy at that age, mom and dad are not cool to hang out with. They have places to be and people to text.
But just wait precious one, she will mature and realize she needs you in her life and her "father's" opinion won't matter to her at some point.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 2, 2021 19:47:56 GMT -5
I feel sorry for you and sorry for your daughter. Her dad loves his ego much more then he loves her. It is unfortunate that she has not matured enough to see reality. I hope you can continue some communication. She doesn't get much chance to mature. He doesn't give her the opportunity. I hope communication with her will continue and improve. But it is walking on egg shells. knowing that her dad controls everything. As I recall your daughter has been "brainwashed" by your ex, for more than 4 years now. Like you said ,it's all about control. And once again it involves $$$$. Right back to power and control. Sadly, it sounds like your daughter is forced to continue a life of fear. If only. If only she could overcome the fear and realize what a loving, caring, mature, alternative you could provide for her. Their is another side to this coin, and that's your sanity, and well being. I'm glad for you that you have been able to get your own life back. Here's to new beginnings! A new beginning that may not have been possible if your daughter was still in your life. (spoken from my own experiences) |
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Post by baza on Mar 3, 2021 3:58:48 GMT -5
I like what Brother greatcoastal has said. You have handled this whole deal of these two relationships in exemplary manner. And whereas your former spouse seems likely to remain an idiot for the rest of his days, maybe your daughter has a fair bit more potential to conduct an adult relationship with you. But all you can do is keep your door open. The next choice is on your daughter - and you have no control over that. |
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Post by petrushka on Mar 3, 2021 6:49:33 GMT -5
She doesn't get much chance to mature. He doesn't give her the opportunity. I hope communication with her will continue and improve. But it is walking on egg shells. knowing that her dad controls everything. Her dad controls himself. She controls herself. The problem with him is, that he needs to control everything and everybody around him.
My memory from (was it 4 years ago?) says he is OCD, phobic, paranoid, extremely controlling, unable or unwilling to work, had more or less managed to cut off tamara68 from contact with other people (I remember his smashing her tablet, randomly changing the password on the wifi, messing with -- was it the tv or the computer).
The guy was One Sick Puppy. Many of us at the time of the break-up were very worried about tamara's wellbeing.
Realistically he should be in care. He certainly has many of the traits of the kind of guy who will kill a woman rather than let her walk away.
He got to the daughter when tamara finally struggled free. The daughter bought into whatever poison he fed her. Very regrettable, very sad. He kept her out of school iirc at least part time.
I am really sorry to hear about all this shit still going on tamara68 . |
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Post by csl on Mar 3, 2021 7:40:29 GMT -5
Just my curmudgeonliness talking, but my immediate response was "I have an intermediary, too. Your dad can talk to my lawyer. When you want to talk to me, and not your dad, I'm here."
But,then again, that's just my inner coot rising up...
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Post by tamara68 on Mar 3, 2021 8:12:46 GMT -5
Hi all,
My ex is an idiot and 'sick puppy' indeed.
It is all very weird.
I have been in contact with a care team of the city where they live. Via them I have heard a little about what is going on. Apparently my ex is 'teaching' my daughter how to write the same kind of insane letters as he writes to all kind of organisations/authorities to express a meaning and critisism on whatever his mind is occupied with. A little while ago they have sent letters to someone who thought that that letter was extremely weird. They contacted the police and the police contacted a care team. That is how they found out that there are big files about my ex. My ex has the habit of putting loads of people in cc in those mails. Like the major and politicians for example. My ex has therefore alarmed people throughout the country. The major has even suggested to invite my ex for a conversation. Police departments, psychologists, politicians and health care workers. In total more than 50 people as I understand, have been contemplating on what the hell to do with this kind of weirdo.
I am thankful that these people all understand that there is something seriously wrong. They are all concerned for my daughter. And for my ex as well. But don't know what to do. They have thoroughly checked if they can do anything on police level legally, but they can't.
So they have been thinking on ways to keep an eye on my daughter and ex. And reasons / ways to find some sort of way to get communication going. But I don't know the details on what they are doing exactly.
My ex most likely has some sort of welfare money to live from. My daughter is not going to school and as far as the police knows, also not a job. So they live from a minimun with a contribution from me for my daughter. I still don't have her bank account number, so it still goes to my ex's account. I have to support her until she is 21, so this is the last year. I thought that at the end of the year I might offer to continue paying a little longer but only if I get her bank account nr. We'll see.
The reason why I got the financial question in the mail is totally unclear. They said in the mail that they need it for the municipality. I think it could be misleading. I think there is a very good chance he is trying to start a procedure to get more money from me. Now I don't have to pay alimony for him. ONly money for my daughter. The whole procedure a few years ago was not as it should be because my ex and daughter moved back to the Netherlands before the procedure was finished. If it would been done properly, I most likely would have been ordered to pay more for my daughter.
Also, I am living together with my friend now. He has a good salary. That doesn't influence what I have to pay for my daughter, but it does influence the amount I might have to pay for my ex.
I hope it is not going to happen, but it wouldn't surprise me if that is what he is going to try.
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Post by tamara68 on Mar 3, 2021 8:15:12 GMT -5
Just my curmudgeonliness talking, but my immediate response was "I have an intermediary, too. Your dad can talk to my lawyer. When you want to talk to me, and not your dad, I'm here." But,then again, that's just my inner coot rising up... That is an option, but I don't have a lawyer now. I hope I don't need one too, I don't have the money for that. |
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Post by saarinista on Mar 3, 2021 16:19:59 GMT -5
tamara68 Really, who DOES have money for a lawyer? But it sounds like a real mess. You might be money ahead in the end if you get a legal opinion up front.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 3, 2021 19:39:15 GMT -5
Honestly, I'm concerned for you, wondering how communicating with your daughter again could easily pull you down, and chisel away at your new foundation?
Of course you love her. You still love her. Are you loving the daughter you remember from a decade ago? (Don't feel bad about it, it's normal to remember the good times!!)
I'd be afraid that your daughter would place all the blame on you if you do get to speak with her again. Imagine if she lived with you again?I really doubt she would abide by your rules?
My own daughter was bitter and angry whenever she stayed with me, after the divorce. My other daughter was more open, friendly, loving and understanding. I felt disrespected by my angry daughter,and reached a point of 'giving up' and avoiding her more and more.
It's come down to a matter of " her decisions, and her attitude" will be her choices to make. Now and in the future. The 'forgiveness" on my part is there (and strong- here we go again with being a giver!) But..... more and more of me wants a sincere apology for the years I was mistreated. My kid(s) all suddenly DIED. It was like a brutal car accident had occured. I got no closure, no funeral, no sympathy.
Yeah...it's tough. Life goes on. PLEASE continue with your own joy ,truth, self respect and happiness!
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Post by saarinista on Mar 3, 2021 19:59:43 GMT -5
Sad to say, I agree with greatcoastal. Tamara it sounds like your daughter is a real mess from looking at your back posts. She's been under your exes spell for a long time. My husband's son won't speak to him. They've been estranged for 2 decades. It's horrible. Sometimes, there's nothing you can do. As great coastal also said you must find your own joy. Save yourself. |
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Post by tamara68 on Mar 4, 2021 14:19:26 GMT -5
A few months ago I have spoken with someone who helps people who have been in a cult. The same applies to that kind of people as to my daughter in an emotionally abuse family.
I know she doesn't think for herself now. And people in cults lose their sense of self. That is her problem now. It is not safe to be herself, so she simply follows dad's instructions. That way she can't feel her inner conflict.
I hope she can develop her own identity but for now that is not going to happen.
I am sure if communication would increase with my daughter, it would be difficult. Especially if it is not face to face. When she sends e-mails, her dad is next to her for certain.
My daughter living with me and my friend is extremely unlikely. But suppose that would happen, or even just her visiting my place would be a challenge. My friend is a kind man and I am sure she would like him in other circumstances. But now she would probably disapprove of him.
I am not giving up on her, but I am also not spending all my time thinking about her. But now since these last few days I am sad again. And conflicted because I don't want to make things more difficult and keep the door open to her.
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