sav
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Age Range: 51-55
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Post by sav on Feb 8, 2021 5:16:06 GMT -5
I am the one that has caused/causing this sexless marriage. Have been reading here and haven't seen the spouse/partner posting that is the one not having sex.
Me:
55/Male married 33 yrs.
Wife:
57
My wife is a wonderful women who has always wanted sex and was always open to exploring trying new things. We have had no sex for the past three years and before that maybe less than 10x a year average. No drug or alcohol use for either of us and that has never entered out marriage. She has been my only sex partner / she had a few (10 or) before me. She even had a child before I met her (gave up for adoption). She still makes very small talk eluding to sex and I recognize it each time but I can't seem to respond other than muttering something incoherent or just a blank stare.
It's not like I have never realized something is wrong with me .. I've known that my avoidance of being intimate was/is not normal as nothing has ever felt normal (I don't know what that really is) being Phyical/Sex/Intimacy. I was 21 when I met her and first had sex. All my teen years until age 21 I avoided dating so I never had that experience. In my pre-teen years I did have a couple girlfriends and did kiss them but by age 13 the girls I would meet and be "boyfriend/girlfriend" always wanted to go further and I would resist. and usually I made excuse to get away and stop seeing them. Had a couple break up with me because I was a "Prude"
Desiring companionship wanting to meet girls even dating I did want but I was to terrified to ever try. Later teens to 20's I knew women expected sex. I did want that experience as much as anyone and fantasized by myself imagining what It would be like .. but in the real world I couldn't get there. It was never about being turned down I just couldn't do what guys should be able to do and meet and date. Many times I would meet a lady and I could tell they wanted to get to know me or date but when I picked up on that I made myself disappear ... Literally quickly leaving the area and remove myself from that situation. Guys I knew did the opposite in those situations and met up with or dated or just got to know the ladies.
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sav
Junior Member
Posts: 23
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by sav on Feb 8, 2021 5:56:57 GMT -5
Feb 7, 2021 16:45:02 GMT -8 jerri said:
Thanks for the response jerri, ... My wife doesn't really want to talk about it. I have tried many times in the past but she has a difficult time with talking from her heart. Her replies are typically like she is trying to get an answer on a test right by guessing? It's difficult to explain. So she avoids talking and at this point she'll make some small talk suggesting sex and I understand she is trying her way still to see if I'll respond I guess? I have been in therapy and had four years of weekly sessions that did bring me back from the brink of suicide. It did help me reconnect to feelings as I was very numb emotionally since childhood from abuse/neglect from both parents and sexual abuse from my older sister. I don't fall in to the "asexual" type as I have had and do have desires but only act on them alone with masturbation with porn. As far as responding to sexual stimulation with her I couldn't stay erect when we first started but she was very casual on did not react negatively so I slowly gained confidence with her but I did and have always disassociated during sex with her so I had to adapt by staying in fantasy in my mind (like I was somebody else not me) and pretending I was watching her with this other person. I know weird but that's how I was only able to have sex.
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sav
Junior Member
Posts: 23
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by sav on Feb 8, 2021 5:58:27 GMT -5
I don't really know why she didn't divorce me years ago as early in or marriage it became sexless. So many times I'd see her snapping at me or our children when weeks would go by since we'd last had sex. I knew she was frustrated and I knew that she needed it. So I would give her (I guess it's called pity sex from what I've read) some time and immediately she was very happy for a few days. I do believe in our 30's she was fucking a coworker that during that time I was so emotionally numb/depressed it didn't know but years later I put the pieces together and figured it out. I know it was a FWB situation but I can't blame her nor would I demand she confess. I believe it doesn't need to be addressed. I have let her know that she can have others (open marriage) but again she doesn't want to talk about any of this really. She has made it very clear that she's staying as she says to me "I know your in there" I would not stand in her way on anything and would be supportive if she wanted to have an active FWB.
I'm not OK with this and am in the process of seeking therapy again but I don't know if I can get better. I deep down know this is hurting her and and feel like she has just accepted her lot with me but I can't understand why she is not able to help talk me through her feelings and really get this out ... maybe she's afraid she would then need to leave .. just don't know.
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 8, 2021 7:25:55 GMT -5
I do believe in our 30's she was fucking a coworker that during that time I was so emotionally numb/depressed it didn't know but years later I put the pieces together and figured it out. I know it was a FWB situation but I can't blame her nor would I demand she confess. I believe it doesn't need to be addressed. I have let her know that she can have others (open marriage) but again she doesn't want to talk about any of this really. She has made it very clear that she's staying as she says to me "I know you're in there" I would not stand in her way on anything and would be supportive if she wanted to have an active FWB. I'm not OK with this and am in the process of seeking therapy again but I don't know if I can get better. I know this is hurting her and and feel like she has just accepted her lot with me but I can't understand why she is not able to help talk me through her feelings and really get this out ... maybe she's afraid she would then need to leave .. just don't know. May I say Congrats for acknowledging that FsWB are a reasonable strategy for your wife? My wife said she'd divorce if I got a FWB despite 5 or fewer sessions per year (when I started dating, she resumed intimacy with me and the FWB isn't on my radar anymore) ILIASM member Jerri is in your situation to a great degree. She has a FWB and has almost no (none?) intimacy with her husband, but he is a generous sweetheart and has other substantial advantages as a husband. Maybe your wife has a FWB and wants sleeping dogs to lie (thus not wanting to talk about it.) Perhaps she wants it secret, even from you so no details slip out in a heated moment? No gossip can be substantiated and tongues can wag less? It's also possible she's entertaining ideas of marrying this secret FWB. If there is none, maybe talking about resuming intimacy with you interferes with that plan. She says she's staying, but that may be a matter of "being nice" by saying reassuring things she doesn't mean. Just a possibility so you don't get blindsided. Not saying that has greater likelihood than her sincerity. In fact, one possibility is a deep devotion to you as your sexual issues stem from things beyond your control. Leaving you makes her the "bad guy". Some people have an aversion to an "open marriage", for some reason. Surely society hasn't embraced the idea. They prefer that couples divorce, regardless of the heavy disadvantages of that approach in not a few instances. The dissociation thing is troubling. She may be well aware of your altered state of mind and determine something is "off". Peeling off the layers of the odd love-making may be the can of worms she doesn't want to open. I don't blame her. The truth is a bit unsettling. I cannot actually be in my body when we're being intimate. Kind of the opposite of what some refused spouses crave. Not criticism, just trying to convey some possible motivations for her standoffish behavior. The required dissociation and absence from the situation to maintain sexual capability sounds like a very good place to focus additional therapy, not just for your wife, but for subsequent partners should you choose any (in the event of divorce or an open marriage where the two of you are platonic, weird as that may sound.) Are you in the moment during foreplay? Can you stay in the moment for other sexual acts (manual, oral, tribbing?) Perhaps sessions without penetration where you can be fully present would be of interest? Is foreplay reliably arousing? Some ladies here find their husbands may have issues because of the porn. Could that be a factor? Self-stimulation 48 hours within a intimate session can diminish ardor and potentially weaken your performance capacity when you'd like not to have to work so hard to maintain it. You mention four years of therapy. You may have some medication making arousal difficult to maintain. There may or may not be a way around this with your Psychiatrist.
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Post by gladifoundthisforum on Feb 8, 2021 8:53:10 GMT -5
You say your wife 'really doesn't want to talk about it' and when she does it sounds like she's 'answering questions and trying to get the answers right, as though she was taking a test...'
I wonder if she's 'second-guessing' what *she* thinks you want to hear? Perhaps she really doesn't want to cause you pain by saying stuff you'd find hurtful? Some things cannot be 'unsaid' and as you said 'maybe she's afraid she'd then need to leave'.
Or she may be afraid that in real, open and honest discussions, the reasons and answers she receives *from* you, may make it impossible for her to stay. Perhaps she's worried you'll fess up to preferring other men? Maybe she's worried that you'll tell her that you think she's hideous, repulsive and you have to force yourself to go near her? This would explain, to her, the dissociation thing. (which she may have picked up on) The possible end of a marriage (even a difficult one) can be a scary thing to contemplate. Sweeping stuff under the rug is sometimes the easy option. Especially if she's not yet ready (not frustrated enough?) to want to drag it out into the open.
This marriage's problems are ringing a lot of bells with me: Serious lack of honest communication..... Husband's over use of porn.... my inability to talk openly and un-blushingly about sexual matters...... Like mine, your marriage looks like it's between 2 people who *both* appear to have problems.
Your sexual problems and her communication trouble. Even if your therapy has some success for *you*, I think things may still be a bit problematic unless she understands *why* things are/were difficult for you. That would entail her asking really tough questions or you sitting down and telling her really personal stuff. This would be flamin' difficult for a non-communicative type to ask or listen to (I speak from personal experience here) Basically you both need to sort your heads out.
My marriage problems are on hold at the moment ; we're still in what's known around here as a 'reset'. We have a sex life again, but I'm under no illusion that all problems are fixed and it'll all be happily-ever-after...
How *my marriage* got to the point of 'reset' and trying again, was through communication. *Really*, really open conversations without worrying about saying stuff that's embarrassing or that may trigger avalanches of upset. It was bloody difficult.
..but it is possible xx
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Post by jerri on Feb 8, 2021 15:49:37 GMT -5
Feb 7, 2021 16:45:02 GMT -8 jerri said: Thanks for the response jerri, ... My wife doesn't really want to talk about it. I have tried many times in the past but she has a difficult time with talking from her heart. Her replies are typically like she is trying to get an answer on a test right by guessing? It's difficult to explain. So she avoids talking and at this point she'll make some small talk suggesting sex and I understand she is trying her way still to see if I'll respond I guess? I have been in therapy and had four years of weekly sessions that did bring me back from the brink of suicide. It did help me reconnect to feelings as I was very numb emotionally since childhood from abuse/neglect from both parents and sexual abuse from my older sister. I don't fall in to the "asexual" type as I have had and do have desires but only act on them alone with masturbation with porn. As far as responding to sexual stimulation with her I couldn't stay erect when we first started but she was very casual on did not react negatively so I slowly gained confidence with her but I did and have always disassociated during sex with her so I had to adapt by staying in fantasy in my mind (like I was somebody else not me) and pretending I was watching her with this other person. I know weird but that's how I was only able to have sex. I don't know about others, but I was scared at times of being rejected and I would just hint at sex as your wife did. I wound up doing this quarterly...then annually. Small hints would be sprinkled during the year. Like playfully making bets if either of us was wrong to receive sex. Of course, he would never pay up, but he knew I never stopped wanting sweet loving and that is probably why he tolerates an open M the best he can. I tried many things different ways so he wasn't actually pressured to make love to me. Kudos to you for not sabotaging the M. If you have read sexless M books you will be the one who understands why they start off painfully slow for the refuser. Start with very small intimate acts and those acts should be assigned by a therapist who really knows you. (if you are willing to proceed) I am so very curious because your M parallels mine to a degree and I had speculated that my H was abused sexually in boarding school or? I have looked for dissociation in my H, but obviously, it would be very hard to notice because we all get that lost in space look when we are at the different peaks of stimulation. In fact, I strive to get that relaxed, lost in space, ecstasy look. I think it was the greatest act of kindness to give her sex even though you knew you were dissociative in nature. (as you have learned to spot, many people dissociate to various degrees and that is the new norm) Your W seems very devoted to you, any chance you would want to read the book More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory. Bonded marriages make rules that put the couple at the top of the hierarchy above all couples. My M is a little more creative and my H didn't want to participate so I made rules that I abide by and were agreed to by my previous partner. I did it for almost a decade. Same man who purportedly was sexless. People automatically judge because they think they know what open M is. This book is very loving and goes over all the pit falls of an open M. Anyone can order the book Ethical Slut from your library. BBL possible edit. (((đ hugs ))) I am excited to have you in here. I have already learned a lot from you, which gives me more compassion for my H. If not for you maybe someone else will be helped. I do love my H very much, but it was important to feel desired, even feel hunted and ravaged. Even if it was only one man because my H didn't want to. Interestingly, my feels lonely at times. But as Esther Perel says, it takes a villiage. And if I were to die, I have a couple that would take in my H. (already set up)
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sav
Junior Member
Posts: 23
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by sav on Feb 9, 2021 6:30:52 GMT -5
I do believe in our 30's she was fucking a coworker that during that time I was so emotionally numb/depressed it didn't know but years later I put the pieces together and figured it out. I know it was a FWB situation but I can't blame her nor would I demand she confess. I believe it doesn't need to be addressed. I have let her know that she can have others (open marriage) but again she doesn't want to talk about any of this really. She has made it very clear that she's staying as she says to me "I know you're in there" I would not stand in her way on anything and would be supportive if she wanted to have an active FWB. I'm not OK with this and am in the process of seeking therapy again but I don't know if I can get better. I know this is hurting her and and feel like she has just accepted her lot with me but I can't understand why she is not able to help talk me through her feelings and really get this out ... maybe she's afraid she would then need to leave .. just don't know. May I say Congrats for acknowledging that FsWB are a reasonable strategy for your wife? My wife said she'd divorce if I got a FWB despite 5 or fewer sessions per year (when I started dating, she resumed intimacy with me and the FWB isn't on my radar anymore) ILIASM member Jerri is in your situation to a great degree. She has a FWB and has almost no (none?) intimacy with her husband, but he is a generous sweetheart and has other substantial advantages as a husband. Maybe your wife has a FWB and wants sleeping dogs to lie (thus not wanting to talk about it.) Perhaps she wants it secret, even from you so no details slip out in a heated moment? No gossip can be substantiated and tongues can wag less? It's also possible she's entertaining ideas of marrying this secret FWB. If there is none, maybe talking about resuming intimacy with you interferes with that plan. She says she's staying, but that may be a matter of "being nice" by saying reassuring things she doesn't mean. Just a possibility so you don't get blindsided. Not saying that has greater likelihood than her sincerity. In fact, one possibility is a deep devotion to you as your sexual issues stem from things beyond your control. Leaving you makes her the "bad guy". Some people have an aversion to an "open marriage", for some reason. Surely society hasn't embraced the idea. They prefer that couples divorce, regardless of the heavy disadvantages of that approach in not a few instances. The dissociation thing is troubling. She may be well aware of your altered state of mind and determine something is "off". Peeling off the layers of the odd love-making may be the can of worms she doesn't want to open. I don't blame her. The truth is a bit unsettling. I cannot actually be in my body when we're being intimate. Kind of the opposite of what some refused spouses crave. Not criticism, just trying to convey some possible motivations for her standoffish behavior. The required dissociation and absence from the situation to maintain sexual capability sounds like a very good place to focus additional therapy, not just for your wife, but for subsequent partners should you choose any (in the event of divorce or an open marriage where the two of you are platonic, weird as that may sound.) Are you in the moment during foreplay? Can you stay in the moment for other sexual acts (manual, oral, tribbing?) Perhaps sessions without penetration where you can be fully present would be of interest? Is foreplay reliably arousing?
Some ladies here find their husbands may have issues because of the porn. Could that be a factor? Self-stimulation 48 hours within a intimate session can diminish ardor and potentially weaken your performance capacity when you'd like not to have to work so hard to maintain it. You mention four years of therapy. You may have some medication making arousal difficult to maintain. There may or may not be a way around this with your Psychiatrist. Answer to BOLD questions: No. I have never been able to be or stay in the moment when being with her sexually ... my mind goes elsewhere (dissociating) so I've only been able to "feel" "participate" when I turn things in my mind to a fantasy like a porn scene then my body could feel a bit. I'm sure I've broken a world record is losing erections being intimate with her over the years as I would normally "pop" in and out of this fantasy state of mind often. Porn ... with the sexual abuse from my sister are and have been the main factor is my issues.
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sav
Junior Member
Posts: 23
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by sav on Feb 9, 2021 6:43:40 GMT -5
You say your wife 'really doesn't want to talk about it' and when she does it sounds like she's 'answering questions and trying to get the answers right, as though she was taking a test...' I wonder if she's 'second-guessing' what *she* thinks you want to hear? Perhaps she really doesn't want to cause you pain by saying stuff you'd find hurtful? Some things cannot be 'unsaid' and as you said 'maybe she's afraid she'd then need to leave'. Or she may be afraid that in real, open and honest discussions, the reasons and answers she receives *from* you, may make it impossible for her to stay. Perhaps she's worried you'll fess up to preferring other men? Maybe she's worried that you'll tell her that you think she's hideous, repulsive and you have to force yourself to go near her? This would explain, to her, the dissociation thing. (which she may have picked up on) The possible end of a marriage (even a difficult one) can be a scary thing to contemplate. Sweeping stuff under the rug is sometimes the easy option. Especially if she's not yet ready (not frustrated enough?) to want to drag it out into the open. This marriage's problems are ringing a lot of bells with me: Serious lack of honest communication..... Husband's over use of porn.... my inability to talk openly and un-blushingly about sexual matters...... Like mine, your marriage looks like it's between 2 people who *both* appear to have problems. Your sexual problems and her communication trouble. Even if your therapy has some success for *you*, I think things may still be a bit problematic unless she understands *why* things are/were difficult for you. That would entail her asking really tough questions or you sitting down and telling her really personal stuff. This would be flamin' difficult for a non-communicative type to ask or listen to (I speak from personal experience here) Basically you both need to sort your heads out. My marriage problems are on hold at the moment ; we're still in what's known around here as a 'reset'. We have a sex life again, but I'm under no illusion that all problems are fixed and it'll all be happily-ever-after... How *my marriage* got to the point of 'reset' and trying again, was through communication. *Really*, really open conversations without worrying about saying stuff that's embarrassing or that may trigger avalanches of upset. It was bloody difficult. ..but it is possible xx I believe your right about her in what her real thoughts may be. During my (recent) therapy I had many blocked memories come back that were traumatic from the abuse in childhood as well as blocked memories from what my sister did to me. I shared with her and I believe it traumatized her a bit. She really backed off even trying (like she used to) wanting sex in a big way with me. I noticed it for sure. She learned why I was so sensitive "down there" especially my testicles .. I couldn't have her touch me there as I would jump or grab her had suddenly to make her stop touching them when she was giving me oral for example. I've tried to get her to seek therapy for herself (private) but she would not.
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sav
Junior Member
Posts: 23
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by sav on Feb 9, 2021 7:01:19 GMT -5
Feb 7, 2021 16:45:02 GMT -8 jerri said: Thanks for the response jerri, ... My wife doesn't really want to talk about it. I have tried many times in the past but she has a difficult time with talking from her heart. Her replies are typically like she is trying to get an answer on a test right by guessing? It's difficult to explain. So she avoids talking and at this point she'll make some small talk suggesting sex and I understand she is trying her way still to see if I'll respond I guess? I have been in therapy and had four years of weekly sessions that did bring me back from the brink of suicide. It did help me reconnect to feelings as I was very numb emotionally since childhood from abuse/neglect from both parents and sexual abuse from my older sister. I don't fall in to the "asexual" type as I have had and do have desires but only act on them alone with masturbation with porn. As far as responding to sexual stimulation with her I couldn't stay erect when we first started but she was very casual on did not react negatively so I slowly gained confidence with her but I did and have always disassociated during sex with her so I had to adapt by staying in fantasy in my mind (like I was somebody else not me) and pretending I was watching her with this other person. I know weird but that's how I was only able to have sex. I don't know about others, but I was scared at times of being rejected and I would just hint at sex as your wife did. I wound up doing this quarterly...then annually. Small hints would be sprinkled during the year. Like playfully making bets if either of us was wrong to receive sex. Of course, he would never pay up, but he knew I never stopped wanting sweet loving and that is probably why he tolerates an open M the best he can. I tried many things different ways so he wasn't actually pressured to make love to me. Kudos to you for not sabotaging the M. If you have read sexless M books you will be the one who understands why they start off painfully slow for the refuser. Start with very small intimate acts and those acts should be assigned by a therapist who really knows you. (if you are willing to proceed) I am so very curious because your M parallels mine to a degree and I had speculated that my H was abused sexually in boarding school or? I have looked for dissociation in my H, but obviously, it would be very hard to notice because we all get that lost in space look when we are at the different peaks of stimulation. In fact, I strive to get that relaxed, lost in space, ecstasy look. I think it was the greatest act of kindness to give her sex even though you knew you were dissociative in nature. (as you have learned to spot, many people dissociate to various degrees and that is the new norm) Your W seems very devoted to you, any chance you would want to read the book More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory. Bonded marriages make rules that put the couple at the top of the hierarchy above all couples. My M is a little more creative and my H didn't want to participate so I made rules that I abide by and were agreed to by my previous partner. I did it for almost a decade. Same man who purportedly was sexless. People automatically judge because they think they know what open M is. This book is very loving and goes over all the pit falls of an open M. Anyone can order the book Ethical Slut from your library. BBL possible edit. (((đ hugs ))) I am excited to have you in here. I have already learned a lot from you, which gives me more compassion for my H. If not for you maybe someone else will be helped. I do love my H very much, but it was important to feel desired, even feel hunted and ravaged. Even if it was only one man because my H didn't want to. Interestingly, my feels lonely at times. But as Esther Perel says, it takes a villiage. And if I were to die, I have a couple that would take in my H. (already set up) jerri, thank you so much for your replies. Helps allot. I'll look into that book and other SM books. Along with finding a therapist like my previous one I'll need them to be able to help me with this porn addiction and the childhood sexual abuse my sister did to me. Didn't address this to much as I thought using EMDR and getting my ability to feel emotions again (not being numb) fixed me so I didn't go further. I now realize and do accept that there is much needed work ahead for me but I need to find a way to get her to talk honestly from her heart. Let her know "I'm ok" with anything she need to do in our past ( I do not need to know or demand to know) that kept her as healthy as she cold be with her husband so checked out sexually and emotionally. Very strong woman and maybe a book like this can start a new conversation.
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Post by baza on Feb 9, 2021 18:21:47 GMT -5
I must say Brother sav , that people who are having a red hot go at sorting their own shit out have my deep respect as it is an extraordinarily difficult path to follow. The additional problem in a relationship issue is that two people are involved, and whereas you can work on sorting out your shit, you can't work on sorting out your spouses shit - that is their job. And, it may be a job that your spouse has no interest in undertaking. Anyway, you are in there having a red hot go Brother sav . I admire that.
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 10, 2021 6:34:34 GMT -5
The required dissociation and absence from the situation to maintain sexual capability sounds like a very good place to focus additional therapy, not just for your wife, but for subsequent partners should you choose any (in the event of divorce or an open marriage where the two of you are platonic, weird as that may sound.) Are you in the moment during foreplay? Can you stay in the moment for other sexual acts (manual, oral, tribbing?) Perhaps sessions without penetration where you can be fully present would be of interest? Is foreplay reliably arousing?
Some ladies here find their husbands may have issues because of the porn. Could that be a factor? Self-stimulation 48 hours within a intimate session can diminish ardor and potentially weaken your performance capacity when you'd like not to have to work so hard to maintain it. You mention four years of therapy. You may have some medication making arousal difficult to maintain. There may or may not be a way around this with your Psychiatrist. Answer to BOLD questions: No. I have never been able to be or stay in the moment when being with her sexually ... my mind goes elsewhere (dissociating) so I've only been able to "feel" "participate" when I turn things in my mind to a fantasy like a porn scene then my body could feel a bit. I'm sure I've broken a world record is losing erections being intimate with her over the years as I would normally "pop" in and out of this fantasy state of mind often. Porn ... with the sexual abuse from my sister are and have been the main factor is my issues. Also pasting over a post you made from the Welcome thread:
Feb 9, 2021 7:24:09 GMT -5 sav said:
I have noticed that my wife had changed after her menopause. Her pattern in the past was short tempered / angry / bitchy etc. when weeks went by with no sex or affection from me. That would wake me up and I knew she needed sex .. release .. at the bare minimum so my pattern was to respond ... have sex with her .. I now know that was pity sex I was doing. Didn't realize that then. Just knew she felt better afterword's and was her happy self for a while. That was wrong of me I know now. But after menopause she hasn't reacted this way thus it's been at least three years since last time. She is just . well .. like a roommate. I hate to admit that. I've mentioned in other replies that she does still make small comments like fishing a bit to see if she could get me to bite but I haven't responded and in my head I'm embarrassed because I just ignored what was just said like I didn't hear it. I now need to get better but also find a way to get her to talk. Find a way so she (while I work on myself) can know that she needs to be healthy even if that means a FWB for her. |
Your "pity sex", when you noticed her levels of irritation were building, was at least paying attention and bringing her some help. If your motive was self-serving (not dealing with her snappy nature), that could be better, I suppose; investment in your wife's pleasure is the heavenly, perfect ideal, to be sure, but given what we've seen around here at ILIASM of refusers that don't even try? Those gestures were a good thing. Give yourself due credit. I'd be curious whether her pattern of asking diminishing requests has been doubly caused by a reduction in libido from menopause and perhaps a reduction in assertiveness due to your disclosure. She may have found it disturbing. She may have a vivid imagination and is mentally picturing unpleasant things. Or she may see herself as inflicting trauma on you by wanting something that brings about mixed emotions for you? She may see herself as the "bad guy" for seeking out physical release? It may be time consuming and a slow slog to where not just you put the past behind you, but now that she's informed about it, she may need some distance too. Apocrypha has theorized that some diminished intimacy may be caused by an unpleasant revelation about one's partner. In your case, the trauma she now knows about has made sex less enticing, perhaps. This may grow to outright disinterest. I'd want you to be on guard for such a shift. You say you've had run ins with erectile dysfunction. The dissociating and fantasizing helps you last some of the time. The dissociation may make it difficult to focus on your wife and build connection and pay attention to how and what it makes her feel. Focusing so intently on yourself, understandably, leaves little room for checking in with her. What if you took the body out of the equation some? www.healthline.com/health/mens-health/where-to-buy-nitroglycerin-gel-for-ed#about-useWith low risk medical assistance in being capable of intimacy, perhaps you can relax some and switch focus to learning how to please your wife's body can enter the realm of the possible. You seem to have motivation. Hopefully, she'll still be interested in what you're able and willing to do. If it doesn't kill the mood, perhaps you can have an agreed intention to be intimate after a date night that you'll prepare for by abstaining from porn and self-stimulation. Between nitroglycerine ointment and abstinence, you may end up with the opposite problem of becoming a minuteman. (Maybe that'd [preposterous...just covering bases here.) in which case you'll need to learn what level of self-deprivation primes you for a session that pleases you both. The porn and your fantasies may be a tool you're using to make sufficient arousal possible for your own release. Your psych meds may be posing a special challenge that way too. Sometimes erections can be just fine but actual release is a problem. (Paxil is notorious for this.). You describe ED though, so hopefully once you're primed for action it doesn't take extraordinarily long for release. It's encouraging to hear that your therapy didn't address sexual function and cognition issues. Your successful therapy in other areas strikes me as hopeful that some attention to the area may allow you to embrace adult intimacy apart from its misuse in your past. I'd look forward to reports of any breakthroughs if you're willing to stick around. Fixed SMs aren't common enough that any of us are sick of hearing them, I'd think.
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sav
Junior Member
Posts: 23
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by sav on Feb 10, 2021 8:01:02 GMT -5
mirrororchid,
great reply!
Lots to think about. I have experience using Viagra and It does work for me. Thing is masturbating with porn I get erections with no issues and on average three times a week. I'm realizing that I have desensitized myself and really that started in my teens with 5x to 10x a day masturbation. I never used any type of lube or anything that would be gentle. Used tight hand grip always. Still do. I remember reading when I was a teen and virgin that masturbation was normal .. that if you thought you liked masturbation you will not last a second the first time you enter a vagina. That to be prepared and that was going to be normal reaction as well. But when I did have my first time with my wife (we were dating) I felt little to nothing other than heat. But I thought it was just being so nervous (and I was) as to why at age 21 I couldn't keep it up. Like I've mentioned she was very cool with me and did not pressure or react in a way that would bother me. But as soon as she left to go home I masturbated and orgasmed thinking of her and what I had experienced for the first time.
I've recently read about "death grip syndrome" and it matches what I've experienced. Over the years with her and many many ED's my thought was that she had had a child before I met her and not feeling much was because of her baring children (we had three) since I haven't been with any other women my thinking was It probably (intercorse) would be different for me if I was with a woman who was "tight" .. I've read where some men describe this for some women. I know now that that would not make a difference because of my desensitization from how I've always masturbated and with porn wired my brain in a dysregulated way.
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sav
Junior Member
Posts: 23
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by sav on Feb 10, 2021 8:25:14 GMT -5
I agree with mirrororchid You offering âpity sexâ wasnât ideal, but it wasnât wrong. You were trying to be there for her. Right? Also- you seem willing to talk to her about your pain. If there are things she will not discuss with you, then SHE is withholding intimacy from YOU. Would you consider inviting her to church? (This forum and specifically this thread?) đ Iâm just going to go way out to outer space and ask: Have you resolved things with your sister? Yes having sex with her in those times was about her. If I have a positive it's that I became very good at giving her pleasure and I never just fucked her till I orgasmed and ended it. Most of our times she really enjoyed herself. That's got to be very frustrating for her since she's getting great sex from me in those times but then going weeks / months with nothing. I was surprised a few times when after we had had sex there was a couple times I'd mention it had been a while and she would agree then tell me the date we last had sex! It had been months but in my mind I thought only a couple weeks. That's how disconnected I have been and really still am. About a month ago rolled over to her while we were in bed (both awake not tired or sleepy) and started to caress her leg. She just lay there not saying or responding in anyway. I just talked softly kept caressing but nothing and I knew she feeling awkward. So I stopped. As far as church .. I'm not sure I understand that question. But if meaning going into a church .. we do belong to one but have not been active in many years. Sister: No haven't spoken to her for probably years. In therapy I learned that that relationship was toxic and I was still being used by her as her emotional dumping ground. When she stopped the abuse she had an emotional abuse relationship with me from then on and I was always the one she dumped her shit on and never looked at seeing how my life was going. Was silent treatment for long periods then find me and dump. Then disappear ... rinse repeat ... she never talked about what she did to me as a child or apologized in any way.
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sav
Junior Member
Posts: 23
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by sav on Feb 10, 2021 8:35:41 GMT -5
Excuse my southern gothic sense of humor. đ€Ș âChurchâ was jusâ a lilâ nickname for iliasm.org Ahh ..ok .. I'll get the slag terms here soon.
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Post by jerri on Feb 10, 2021 17:25:35 GMT -5
Seems like you can talk about almost anything. Good news. Edited for privacy. ... Dissociation is really easy to hide and correct during sex. ... But I learned if I take over sex on top ... The Best Parts of Sex Will Serve You Anyway! Engaging the Senses. If you engage the senses you may light a candle spritz cologne and smell her neck or any of the other erogenous zones. Touch- feel her skin, run your fingers through her hair down her body... look at her curves notice her...FWB would not close his eyes. I would look up and he was studying my reactions. Sexy!!! I would look up and his eyes were locked into mine. Whisper in her ear all the naughty things you have planned. Dot her body with bits of cherry juice to lick. Little by little it loses power, even if it doesn't go away. Your therapist will know what is best. If this is too fast, knock it down a notch. newviewpsychology.com.au/strategies-to-reduce-dissociation/ETA: Don't quote me because I will soon erase this, please.
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