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Post by northstarmom on Feb 11, 2021 13:09:11 GMT -5
When I was trying to on-line date, many of the men I contacted did live up to 3,000 miles from me. That wasn't because I wanted a man who was unavailable. It was because I wanted a man who shared my interests and values, and such men were hard to find in the area where I lived. Ironically, I ended up dating with a local man whom I'd known for years since we were in the same theater troupe. I hadn't realized how much we had in common until he asked me out and I learned more about him over dinner. We've now been together almost 8 years and live more than 1,000 miles (and in a different country) from the city where we met.
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Post by saarinista on Feb 11, 2021 15:07:11 GMT -5
When I was trying to on-line date, many of the men I contacted did live up to 3,000 miles from me. That wasn't because I wanted a man who was unavailable. It was because I wanted a man who shared my interests and values, and such men were hard to find in the area where I lived. Ironically, I ended up dating with a local man whom I'd known for years since we were in the same theater troupe. I hadn't realized how much we had in common until he asked me out and I learned more about him over dinner. We've now been together almost 8 years and live more than 1,000 miles (and in a different country) from the city where we met. I'm with you. I'd go any distance for a compatible relationship. Sure the closer the better, but picking someone just because they are close by is not always a great strategy. I think there's no substitute for the long term friendship and shared experiences flyingsolo is describing with his friend. His marriage was in trouble long before he reconnected with his friend. He seems to understand the need to hold the "stay or leave" decision separate from the decision about the future course of any new relationships.
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Post by isthisit on Feb 11, 2021 16:21:06 GMT -5
When I was trying to on-line date, many of the men I contacted did live up to 3,000 miles from me. That wasn't because I wanted a man who was unavailable. It was because I wanted a man who shared my interests and values, and such men were hard to find in the area where I lived. Ironically, I ended up dating with a local man whom I'd known for years since we were in the same theater troupe. I hadn't realized how much we had in common until he asked me out and I learned more about him over dinner. We've now been together almost 8 years and live more than 1,000 miles (and in a different country) from the city where we met. I'm with you. I'd go any dustance for a compatible relationship. Sure the closer the better, but picking someone just because they are close by is not always a great strategy. I think there's no substitute for the long term friendship and shared experiences flyingsolo is describing with his friend. His marriage was in trouble long before he reconnected with his friend. He seems to understand the need to hold the "stay or leave" decision separate from the decision about the future course of any new relationships. Another vote here for a willingness to try a LDR. I am a hopeless romantic at heart and believe that where there is a will, there is a way to make things work. Mr Wonderful miles away vs Mr Somebody who is local? No contest. Anyway with restrictions like ours right now, Mr Somebody around the corner will feel like a LDR. Also agree about the marriage and the old flame being independent variables. Person A should never leave person B for person C. Why? Because absolutely no-one wants to be person C. The pressure would be crushing.
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Post by flyingsolo on Feb 11, 2021 16:36:31 GMT -5
Person C and I have discussed this in great detail and we concur on that fact. I have to leave my marriage because I know it isn't working. It can't have anything to do with Person C. I was already wrestling with leaving my marriage well before Person C came into the picture. It's only once I really reconnected with her that I really realized how much I was missing in my marriage and that I was settling when I could have so much more with someone who is willing to meet my needs and vice versa.
It's like a discussion I've seen in another thread in the forums where someone was talking about feeling unattractive, like they would never find someone else, etc. because their spouse was resisting intimacy and the marriage was sexless so they settled for their marriage because they thought it was the best they could do. You feel undesirable and it takes it's toll on your self confidence. When someone meets your needs, compliments you, and validates that you are a good looking and successful person that they find very attractive and indeed, want to be physically and emotionally intimate with you, it is amazingly empowering and you realize you have a lot to offer to someone. You become less willing to stay in a sexless marriage where none of your needs are being met and are more willing to move forward at putting yourself in a better situation.
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Post by isthisit on Feb 11, 2021 16:46:40 GMT -5
Person C and I have discussed this in great detail and we concur on that fact. I have to leave my marriage because I know it isn't working. It can't have anything to do with Person C. I was already wrestling with leaving my marriage well before Person C came into the picture. It's only once I really reconnected with her that I really realized how much I was missing in my marriage and that I was settling when I could have so much more with someone who is willing to meet my needs and vice versa. It's like a discussion I've seen in another thread in the forums where someone was talking about feeling unattractive, like they would never find someone else, etc. because their spouse was resisting intimacy and the marriage was sexless so they settled for their marriage because they thought it was the best they could do. You feel undesirable and it takes it's toll on your self confidence. When someone meets your needs, compliments you, and validates that you are a good looking and successful person that they find very attractive and indeed, want to be physically and emotionally intimate with you, it is amazingly empowering and you realize you have a lot to offer to someone. You become less willing to stay in a sexless marriage where none of your needs are being met and are more willing to move forward at putting yourself in a better situation. Yup. It is hugely empowering to have that realisation that at least one person out there thinks that you are attractive in all the senses of the word. Even if it doesn’t play out with that person, the realisation is a genie that cannot be put back in the bottle. It places your reality in a sharp, and often unflattering focus. Your friend will prove hugely useful in your trajectory regardless of whether it works out or not. My two penn’th is that you guys have a decent chance, and even if it doesn’t, facilitating your exit is a precious enough gift all on its own. Bon Chance.
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Post by Apocrypha on Feb 12, 2021 18:46:32 GMT -5
When I was trying to on-line date, many of the men I contacted did live up to 3,000 miles from me. That wasn't because I wanted a man who was unavailable. It was because I wanted a man who shared my interests and values, and such men were hard to find in the area where I lived. Ironically, I ended up dating with a local man whom I'd known for years since we were in the same theater troupe. I hadn't realized how much we had in common until he asked me out and I learned more about him over dinner. We've now been together almost 8 years and live more 'than 1,000 miles (and in a different country) from the city where we met. You were contacting men who lived 3,000 miles away who shared your interests and values. You were dating someone who was local, who shared your interests and values.
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 12, 2021 19:03:27 GMT -5
apocrypha said: "You were contacting men who lived 3,000 miles away who shared your interests and values. You were dating someone who was local, who shared your interests and values.
No, I contacted them months before I started dating him. I wasn't dating anyone when I contacted those distant men through dating sites. I was interested in them, and was unencumbered enough to have been able to move if I met the right person.
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Post by Apocrypha on Feb 12, 2021 19:17:02 GMT -5
When I was trying to on-line date, many of the men I contacted did live up to 3,000 miles from me. That wasn't because I wanted a man who was unavailable. It was because I wanted a man who shared my interests and values, and such men were hard to find in the area where I lived. Ironically, I ended up dating with a local man whom I'd known for years since we were in the same theater troupe. I hadn't realized how much we had in common until he asked me out and I learned more about him over dinner. We've now been together almost 8 years and live more than 1,000 miles (and in a different country) from the city where we met. I'm with you. I'd go any distance for a compatible relationship. Sure the closer the better, but picking someone just because they are close by is not always a great strategy. I think there's no substitute for the long term friendship and shared experiences flyingsolo is describing with his friend. His marriage was in trouble long before he reconnected with his friend. He seems to understand the need to hold the "stay or leave" decision separate from the decision about the future course of any new relationships. I don't think anyone has argued to pick someone " just because they are close." I would imagine most of us have more than a single criteria for a suitable partner at the same time - several boxes to tick. I don't think anyone is arguing that long term friendship is a bad thing, either. Nor, is anyone arguing that acknowledging a romantic attraction or exploring that in one form or another is a bad thing. Many of us on ILIASM are in a crisis because we are married to someone with whom we have a relationship that we value, but that is not a relationship that presents satisfying opportunities for romantic intimacy. In fact, I have met several women who found themselves in sexless marriages when they pursued partners (local) who seemed sexually disinterested in them. They viewed it at the time as an evolved or "higher" form of relationship than the easy and shallow attention they constantly received from men, but later came to a perspective that it simply amounted to romantic disinterest, aversion, or unavailability to them. One of them, I even recommended join this board to help her out. It's often easy to pick out the habits of our partners that contribute to our unhappiness and that's important work. I found the hardest work was examining my own patterns in my choice of partners and my own behaviour - that led to unsatisfying results. I found that I was often drawn to "wild child" narcissistic types who were impulsive and somewhat fickle for example, and also that they were drawn to me (for a while). These often ended suddenly and randomly - perhaps unsurprisingly. I dated a woman a few years ago who identified primarily as a lesbian, and who it became apparent after 5 dates or so - hated men in general. But, who also chose men to enact some very hardcore degradation kinks. When I pulled the threads about her experiences, the common thread was that every single man that had ever been in her life had abused her. As I withdrew from pursuing this relationship further, I considered the prospect that the only men who'd ever take a relationship farther with her, would be those whose relationship goals aren't affected by the utter contempt with which she held men - likely shitty men with low relationship prospects. She had no idea how her own behavior was driving away good men and letting through ones who abused her, validating her narrative. I'm not saying that long distance dating = a bad outcome. I am saying that it's a red flag that I'd want to pay attention to and examine closely why I was choosing that - or any other kind of relationship in which I choose to pursue an invested relationship with a romantic partner in which the prospects were so unlikely.
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Post by Apocrypha on Feb 12, 2021 23:07:42 GMT -5
When I was trying to on-line date, many of the men I contacted did live up to 3,000 miles from me. That wasn't because I wanted a man who was unavailable. It was because I wanted a man who shared my interests and values, and such men were hard to find in the area where I lived. "You were contacting men who lived 3,000 miles away who shared your interests and values. You were dating someone who was local, who shared your interests and values. No, I contacted them months before I started dating him. I wasn't dating anyone when I contacted those distant men through dating sites. I was interested in them, and was unencumbered enough to have been able to move if I met the right person. But you instead found the local guy, who also was satisfying and you didn't have to move to go on a date - an outcome I pointed out to the OP upthread. Fair enough. In a normal dating relationship where I live (again, a metropolitan city - so mileage may vary) there is often a relationship wall at about 3-4 months when couples decide if they are in our out, moving from a short to long term relationship, or breaking up to eventually find a different partner. I'm not sure how many dates someone could get in with a person who lives that far in that timespan to establish if they are the right person, but different people have different views on courtship and commitments. In contrast to you, the OP discussion I was referring to had children and likely split custody - an unlikely prospect to jump all in and move away. But, mileage may vary.
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 13, 2021 16:31:01 GMT -5
One of my friends started corresponding on E Harmony with a man who lived a 5 hour drive away. Within a year, they had married, and he'd moved to her city. It has been about 10 years and they are still married. Incidentally, both were in their mid 60s.
"But you instead found the local guy, who also was satisfying and you didn't have to move to go on a date - an outcome I pointed out to the OP"
The online guys either weren't good matches or didn't follow-up with me in a romantic way, though 2 years later, one of them (who'd become a platonic FB friend) said that when he met me on-line, he should have gotten on a plane and flown to see me. By then, both of us were involved with other people.
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Post by saarinista on Feb 13, 2021 17:04:50 GMT -5
I just don't think residential location is exactly a "red flag. " Is it a factor? Sure, and for those who have children they can't leave at home, limited finances or intense jobs, I guess it might be a major barrier to a relationship. For others? It's just one of many things that require flexibility.
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Post by shamwow on Feb 13, 2021 18:39:41 GMT -5
I just don't think residential location is exactly a "red flag. " Is it a factor? Sure, and for those who have children they can't leave at home, limited finances or intense jobs, I guess it might be a major barrier to a relationship. For others? It's just one of many things that require flexibility. This is a great point. When ballofconfusion and I first started considering a relationship, you bet that the distance was a huge factor. Had we both had younger children or one of us had full custody, our availability to see each other would have been curtailed even more than it was regardless of our home city. Ironically, now that she is here and we have two of her kids with us and I have my son every other week, we have LESS "alone time" than when we were travelling to see each other. We have to work hard to make sure we have that alone time just as we did when travelling. Which reminds me, we need to book a hotel room to get away from these guys for next weekend 😉
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Post by Apocrypha on Feb 14, 2021 13:39:20 GMT -5
I just don't think residential location is exactly a "red flag. " Is it a factor? Sure, and for those who have children they can't leave at home, limited finances or intense jobs, I guess it might be a major barrier to a relationship. For others? It's just one of many things that require flexibility. I think most people on ILIASM are considering the limits of their flexibility when in a sexless marriage. Specifically, their scenarios require them to be "flexible" by reducing their expectations of physical intimacy to "once in a while" or "almost never" as a pre-requisite to being married to their current partner. Either that, or they are presented a show of passive enthusiasm for sexual expression, "would but for..." whatever external reason prevents the actual realization of the intimacy. Too tired, too busy, travelling too much, too much time with the boys or the girls, too much work etc. The way I frame this issue isn't based on denigrating the prospective partner because of their distance, nor the value of the relationship or feeling from it. It's a zoomed out shoulder-check on one's own motives in leaving a marriage that might otherwise continue if they give up sex, only to seek out another relationship in which sexual expression obviously is missing or has significant barriers around it. I could google up a lottery winners and present their stories as evidence that lotteries make people rich. They do. I cannot deny that for those lottery winners who are telling their stories, it worked for them. Are their stories typical of lottery ticket buyers? The apparent unpopularity of my skepticism on entering an invested long distance relationship following a celibate marriage raises a side-point that might be relevant for those still within a celibate marriage. This discussion shows that some people are happy enough to engage in a long distance relationship/courtship in which sex seems just as unlikely or infrequent --as long as there is mutual agreement that it is DESIRED. This provides evidence for the view that "scheduling" and various other approaches aimed at increasing the frequency of sex in situations where a partner is averse to them are unlikely to satisfy either partner. What's wanted is evidence of desire, whereas unwanted sex will likely produce the opposite.
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Post by Handy on Feb 14, 2021 16:09:00 GMT -5
Almost everything I read indicates LDRs shows the best side of the partner and past romances do not show how people change over time.
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Post by jerri on Feb 14, 2021 21:46:40 GMT -5
Apocrypha , you bring up some good points. And it is great that everyone shared their experience and it is good that this is not an echo chamber. He has many POVs I didn't think it was a good idea because he was attracted to her when he was young. We tend to attract people that which we had challenges within our same families. They usually mirror the parent we were having challenges with, usually unresolved and we take on our same family role. If it applies. I attracted a mate that says no rather easily as my mom did or lacking compromise. I am sure a lot of you can relate. What bothered me was they were friends socially on the internet for several years, friends not really communicating too often until...I wondered why they didn't hit it off again and become besties right away? That seemed odd to me that she waited to pick up the friendship, or maybe not odd at all. Maybe she just realized what a match they are. Surely she knows she is interrupting a marriage bad or not. She asked him for sexual advice then later a Zoom call. His W says he is emotionally unavailable, but then won't agree to talk. WOW Doesn't really matter they are spending 3-5 hrs Face Timing not likely to stop for now. Wonder what the therapist thinks? I think it is very respectful that FS is considering his W and wants to talk to her.
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