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Post by Pinkberry on Jun 3, 2016 8:45:38 GMT -5
I just ventured over to the read only version of ILIASM on EP. This number is the final "me too" count on that topic.
I'm simply floored. As I recall, when I first visited EP/ILIASM in 2008, the count was only around 1,200 people. That is just an astounding jump.
Today, as I have on many other occasions, I'm thanking my lucky stars for that community and all it had to offer. I wouldn't be the me I am today if it weren't for ILIASM.
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Post by baza on Jun 3, 2016 9:00:38 GMT -5
I joined EP (ILIASM group) in Feb 2009, and as best I recall there were about 4k members.
During 2010/1/2, it really took off, cranking up to about 48k then started to stall in 2013/4 but got to 50k, and really tanked in 2015, remaining at the 50k and going nowhere.
Of course, all those 50k were not active. And, in the count were "deleted" profiles too, and there was a lot of them.
But like you Sister Pinkberry, I was glad that there were enough 'actives' to help me when I needed it.
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Post by Chatter Fox on Jun 3, 2016 10:23:34 GMT -5
That's definitely a big number.
Supposedly, 15 to 20% of marriages are sexless. There are around 60,000,000 marriages in the United States alone today. So, that means that there are around 9,000,000 to 12,000,000 refused spouses in the US alone.
EP had lots of folks from places all over the world, so it's probably not accurate to include just stats from the US but just for fun, let's pretend. IF all 50,558 people were from the US, it would only represents about 0.5% of the refused population.
We are not alone. There's TONS of us out there. I always remind myself of that. One of my favorite things to do when I'm down about my situation is to count houses as I drive past them. If the stats are correct, I probably pass a home with a refused spouse every 5 houses (1 out of 5 is 20%). That little exercise sometimes takes the sting off. Especially because I have no idea what issues are going on in the other 4 houses. There's lots of things that can go on in a marriage that could be as equally unbearable. It may be a bleak and pessimistic way to view things but it gets me through the tough days.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 3, 2016 10:45:55 GMT -5
Chatter Fox - I do the same thing when my kids are on a new baseball team. With 12 families there I always knew I was one SM and wondered which other couple was the SM as well, and there was was 20%.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 3, 2016 12:14:57 GMT -5
About 5 months ago I ventured back into the dating pool. The 1st woman I met for coffee revealed she had been in a sexless marriage. It was an instant bonding experience for us, but I have thought back about it and wondered just how much of a coincidence it was. Now that I read it's perhaps 1 in 5 I am not so surprised. I am surprised I haven't had any other woman I've dated say it.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 3, 2016 12:38:28 GMT -5
I walk the streets of our neighborhood at night and wonder the same thing. Of the 250 houses I know several, already divorced,separated, retired, duel incomes, he is always gone on business, how many houses have been sold due to divorce, etc.... Then I see a lovely evening for romance, and I have the whole place to myself! The other houses, well... You can see the cars are in the driveway, the TV is shining through the curtains, the computers are on in the den, the pools are empty,and quiet, the lawn chairs are empty, the back decks are empty, the grills are never fired, the balconies are empty, the front porches are empty.
Good luck meeting these people too! They pay to have everything done, they drive home and down goes the garage doors, they tell you as little as possible when you first meet them. Maybe you will meet there kids? Oh wait... Kids don't ride bikes,scooters, skateboards, anymore, they too are inside on there phones!
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 3, 2016 14:40:51 GMT -5
I do a similar "1 in 5" type logic, but I do the "glass half full" perspective - usually when I'm traveling.
My logic is, "This hotel has 2000 rooms... statistically, *somebody* here is having sex right now". And that's been proven out by the couples I've heard through the wall.
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50,558
Jun 3, 2016 14:59:29 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by bballgirl on Jun 3, 2016 14:59:29 GMT -5
About 5 months ago I ventured back into the dating pool. The 1st woman I met for coffee revealed she had been in a sexless marriage. It was an instant bonding experience for us, but I have thought back about it and wondered just how much of a coincidence it was. Now that I read it's perhaps 1 in 5 I am not so surprised. I am surprised I haven't had any other woman I've dated say it. I would be surprised too. I wouldn't talk about my SM until I got serious with someone. |
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Post by JMX on Jun 3, 2016 15:29:21 GMT -5
I joined EP (ILIASM group) in Feb 2009, and as best I recall there were about 4k members. During 2010/1/2, it really took off, cranking up to about 48k then started to stall in 2003/4 but got to 50k, and really tanked in 2015, remaining at the 50k and going nowhere. Of course, all those 50k were not active. But like you Sister Pinkberry, I was glad that there were enough 'actives' to help me when I needed it. Wonder if there is any correlation between the (global?) financial crisis, the time it took to ruin relationships for the aggrieved party to get fed up, find the site (the spike) and then drop off as things got better. That correlation could be anything! For instance, in my jurisdiction, the power went out for 5 days after a tornado. Police were called on more domestic disputes than any other week in a 5 year period. For the amount of "neighbors getting along and helping each other out" that occurred, it seemed the partners had nothing to drown out each others' noise and couldn't take each other anymore. Probably no economic correlation to EP and financial crisis, but interesting to think about  |
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Post by baza on Jun 3, 2016 20:57:30 GMT -5
I think the demise of the EP site had a whole lot to do with how they chose to run it, their unilateral modifications, and their complete lack of consultation with the membership.
People ended up voting with their feet.
And it became so user unfriendly that the influx of new members slowed to a trickle, and then stopped.
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But there is probably something in what you say Sister JMX.
I can't remember the source, but I do remember seeing somewhere some credible figures saying that the busiest times for people filing for divorce is just after Xmas, and just after Valentines day.
These seem to be the peak times for when the avoidant spouses latest disengagement become 'the final straw'.
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50,558
Jun 3, 2016 21:05:34 GMT -5
Post by angryspartan on Jun 3, 2016 21:05:34 GMT -5
I joined EP (ILIASM group) in Feb 2009, and as best I recall there were about 4k members. During 2010/1/2, it really took off, cranking up to about 48k then started to stall in 2003/4 but got to 50k, and really tanked in 2015, remaining at the 50k and going nowhere. Of course, all those 50k were not active. But like you Sister Pinkberry, I was glad that there were enough 'actives' to help me when I needed it. They killed their own site with terrible updates as well as not getting a handle on the bots quick enough. |
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50,558
Jun 3, 2016 21:56:33 GMT -5
Post by 3000more on Jun 3, 2016 21:56:33 GMT -5
I think the demise of the EP site had a whole lot to do with how they chose to run it, their unilateral modifications, and their complete lack of consultation with the membership. People ended up voting with their feet. And it became so user unfriendly that the influx of new members slowed to a trickle, and then stopped. - But there is probably something in what you say Sister JMX. I can't remember the source, but I do remember seeing somewhere some credible figures saying that the busiest times for people filing for divorce is just after Xmas, and just after Valentines day. These seem to be the peak times for when the avoidant spouses latest disengagement become 'the final straw'. It also seems like there is a baby boom 9 months after natural disasters. I know it's happened many times, FWIW. |
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50,558
Jun 3, 2016 22:28:57 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by unmatched on Jun 3, 2016 22:28:57 GMT -5
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50,558
Jun 3, 2016 23:23:52 GMT -5
Post by 3000more on Jun 3, 2016 23:23:52 GMT -5
Ya mine either unmatched! |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2016 10:58:43 GMT -5
Wow I used to do that too, when I was walking the dog I go by each house and wonder if they had a sexless marriage. If it was that common, there was a good chance a few other couples in the neighborhood were in a SM. Which ones? I'd see couples at the dog park or the store and wonder are they a sexless marriage?
This was for me at least just another manifestation of the fact that in a sexless marriage sex becomes the thing that takes up the most room in your head. It becomes an obsession, and you spend all your energy figuring out how to cope with its absence, how to get it, being mad over it, spending hours on social media seeking support for it, and yes wondering if you are seeing it everywhere you go. One of the best parts of getting into a more normal deal is how much less important sex becomes. One of my all time favorite stories on EP was when baz ran down the events of a particular day. A nice enjoyable active day... and not a root to be seen. And it didn't matter! In normal life, a day without sex is, well, a day without sex. In a sexless marriage, every day without sex (and even most days with sex) is a slap in the face.
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