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Post by curious81 on Nov 24, 2020 19:16:20 GMT -5
I was advised to post here. I’m new to this site as I only came across it today. I’m a woman and have been married for 10 years, I would say it’s been very happy. Our sex life was so good for 8 years. We went to sex clubs, met other people as a couple and had such a fun time. Around 2 years ago my husband lost interest in sex with me, we haven’t had sex in 1.5 years (only an occasional quick peck on the cheek). I know he isn’t seeing anyone else as he’s at home most of the time (working from home) and leaves all his devices open so I would see anything suspicious. He does watch porn (secretly) as i have seen it on his laptop. I’ve asked to watch it with him but he’s clearly not interested. If I try and initiate sex it’s obvious he doesn’t want it and I end up crying silently. The porn that he watches is usually teenagers (which is horrible). He’s 13 years older than I am and I always worried that when I got to a certain age he wouldn’t be interested sexually and I feel the problem is that at 40 I’m too old for him to find attractive. I love him and still fancy him. I can’t imagine being with anyone else  . Anyway..sorry for moaning, I’m glad I’ve found this site and can meet other people experiencing similar. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 24, 2020 19:44:34 GMT -5
A quick question. Since the drop off in intimacy came about somewhat quickly and given his age it might not be a bad idea to have his hormones checked. There are a # of hormonal issues which could result in a reduction of libido. Eliminating possible physical causes would be where I would start.
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Post by snowman12345 on Nov 24, 2020 19:53:27 GMT -5
It sounds like you had some people in your life that enjoyed sex with you. Would your husband be opposed to you contacting them, just for some good orgasms? Maybe he would like to go along and watch - kinda like porn. I know I enjoy watching my affair partner(AP) have sex with other people.
Does he have medical problems? Things that might cause ED?
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Post by baza on Nov 24, 2020 21:22:32 GMT -5
Sister curious81 . On what you have divulged so far, it looks like your story has similarities to Sister @whynotm3 . So I'd suggest you search out her posts, and read them from go to whoa. I reckon there might be some value for you in that. Do you see above her name in pale blue ? Click on that, and it will take you to her profile where all her threads are, and also other posts she's contributed to. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2020 8:35:05 GMT -5
I was advised to post here. I’m new to this site as I only came across it today. I’m a woman and have been married for 10 years, I would say it’s been very happy. Our sex life was so good for 8 years. We went to sex clubs, met other people as a couple and had such a fun time. Around 2 years ago my husband lost interest in sex with me, we haven’t had sex in 1.5 years (only an occasional quick peck on the cheek). I know he isn’t seeing anyone else as he’s at home most of the time (working from home) and leaves all his devices open so I would see anything suspicious. He does watch porn (secretly) as i have seen it on his laptop. I’ve asked to watch it with him but he’s clearly not interested. If I try and initiate sex it’s obvious he doesn’t want it and I end up crying silently. The porn that he watches is usually teenagers (which is horrible). He’s 13 years older than I am and I always worried that when I got to a certain age he wouldn’t be interested sexually and I feel the problem is that at 40 I’m too old for him to find attractive. I love him and still fancy him. I can’t imagine being with anyone else . Anyway..sorry for moaning, I’m glad I’ve found this site and can meet other people experiencing similar. is correct. I read your post and my heart sank.  For what seemed forever I was the only 'swinger' on here in an SM. How simply unthinkable that whole idea was to me. I mean, swingers and people with such adventurous sex lives surely must have a great sex life with each other, right? I started on here over a year ago. You can search my posts as Baza suggested. Please feel free to message me directly on here, too. I'd be happy to talk you through my fruitless search for 'why' this was happening, and "what" I did or did not do to cause this, and 'how' I could fix everything and make it as it used to be. I started with lots of questions and tried my best to understand my (now ex-) husband. This forum was helpful for my process and certainly made me feel at least a little better that I was not alone. Follow along, read through the posts, ask your questions, and again, don't hesitate to message me directly. I found much support here. snowman12345 I had a play partner that would come to our home and 'take care of me' while my (now ex-)H was home. I always hoped he would join in, but he only did once and never again. That play partner over time became my secret play partner up until the end of our marriage. I told myself I just needed those 'good orgasms' and they'd help me get through while I tried to fix our marriage (and in reality, my H). In reality though, all that did was further the divide between me and my H. It exacerbated the reality of what I was missing and wanting from my H. In hindsight, I think it was a mistake to ever have even asked for that option. In no way did it fix anything. Maybe someone else would have a different experience, but for me, for someone who truly loved her H and wanted her marriage to work, trying to accept a 'substitute' only reinforced what I truly wanted and, I believe, pushed my H further away from me. |
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Nov 25, 2020 12:27:11 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by curious81 on Nov 25, 2020 12:27:11 GMT -5
A quick question. Since the drop off in intimacy came about somewhat quickly and given his age it might not be a bad idea to have his hormones checked. There are a # of hormonal issues which could result in a reduction of libido. Eliminating possible physical causes would be where I would start. He still watches porn a lot. I can see the way he looks at women. I know he still has a sex drive - just not with me. I guess that’s why it’s hurting right now |
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Post by sadkat on Nov 25, 2020 13:22:20 GMT -5
Hello curious81- I too suffered for years as a result of my h’s addiction to porn. For me, it didn’t get any better. After 22 years, I finally gave up and walked away from my marriage. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I’ve been out for 13 months and still healing. My ex and I are working hard on creating a new friendship- mostly because of our history and also for the sake of our adult son. Dealing with this is challenging and confusing. I’d suggest therapy- it helped me a lot. This is not about you. It’s about your h and his sexual preferences. I am also here to help should you need support. Feel free to respond here or by private message. |
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Post by snowman12345 on Nov 25, 2020 14:08:16 GMT -5
I was advised to post here. I’m new to this site as I only came across it today. I’m a woman and have been married for 10 years, I would say it’s been very happy. Our sex life was so good for 8 years. We went to sex clubs, met other people as a couple and had such a fun time. Around 2 years ago my husband lost interest in sex with me, we haven’t had sex in 1.5 years (only an occasional quick peck on the cheek). I know he isn’t seeing anyone else as he’s at home most of the time (working from home) and leaves all his devices open so I would see anything suspicious. He does watch porn (secretly) as i have seen it on his laptop. I’ve asked to watch it with him but he’s clearly not interested. If I try and initiate sex it’s obvious he doesn’t want it and I end up crying silently. The porn that he watches is usually teenagers (which is horrible). He’s 13 years older than I am and I always worried that when I got to a certain age he wouldn’t be interested sexually and I feel the problem is that at 40 I’m too old for him to find attractive. I love him and still fancy him. I can’t imagine being with anyone else . Anyway..sorry for moaning, I’m glad I’ve found this site and can meet other people experiencing similar. is correct. I read your post and my heart sank. For what seemed forever I was the only 'swinger' on here in an SM. How simply unthinkable that whole idea was to me. I mean, swingers and people with such adventurous sex lives surely must have a great sex life with each other, right? I started on here over a year ago. You can search my posts as Baza suggested. Please feel free to message me directly on here, too. I'd be happy to talk you through my fruitless search for 'why' this was happening, and "what" I did or did not do to cause this, and 'how' I could fix everything and make it as it used to be. I started with lots of questions and tried my best to understand my (now ex-) husband. This forum was helpful for my process and certainly made me feel at least a little better that I was not alone. Follow along, read through the posts, ask your questions, and again, don't hesitate to message me directly. I found much support here. snowman12345 I had a play partner that would come to our home and 'take care of me' while my (now ex-)H was home. I always hoped he would join in, but he only did once and never again. That play partner over time became my secret play partner up until the end of our marriage. I told myself I just needed those 'good orgasms' and they'd help me get through while I tried to fix our marriage (and in reality, my H). In reality though, all that did was further the divide between me and my H. It exacerbated the reality of what I was missing and wanting from my H. In hindsight, I think it was a mistake to ever have even asked for that option. In no way did it fix anything. Maybe someone else would have a different experience, but for me, for someone who truly loved her H and wanted her marriage to work, trying to accept a 'substitute' only reinforced what I truly wanted and, I believe, pushed my H further away from me. I will have to bow to your first hand knowledge in this. My wife takes no part in my sex life, I know she doesn't want me in that way so I go outside the marriage for physical pleasure. She doesn't want me to leave and if I pushed it she would have sex with me, but that feels a bit rapey to me so I no longer ask. I think curious81 is fearful of being stranded by her husband. It doesn't feel like he is interested in fixing their marriage. I don't know this as concrete fact, but neither will she if she does not ask him. The fear of being alone is a powerful emotion, I think many of us here (myself included) stay in their SM at least in part for that reason. I hope she has the realization that there are men out there who would want her. If there are women out there that want a gray haired troll like self, someone younger (like her) will still have a pretty good chance. I would not want her to end up in a loveless marriage where she has to cart his old ass around to doctor's appointments without any thing in return. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2020 14:49:04 GMT -5
A quick question. Since the drop off in intimacy came about somewhat quickly and given his age it might not be a bad idea to have his hormones checked. There are a # of hormonal issues which could result in a reduction of libido. Eliminating possible physical causes would be where I would start. He still watches porn a lot. I can see the way he looks at women. I know he still has a sex drive - just not with me. I guess that’s why it’s hurting right now As with sadkat, mine had the porn thing going, too. What I found out in my research and when I went for counseling with a sexual health counselor, is that when porn is watched, especially to the degree of addiction, it kills one's interest in 'normal' sex in addition to being one of if not THE leading cause of ED in men. For me, mine watched porn a lot and had the freedom to play with others at clubs / parties, too. This excitement gets amplified, raising the bar of what's new and exciting, and killing any interest in the sex he's already had with their partner however many times before. As such, it seems more parties and more porn were needed in order to get him to feel the excitement he first felt when we had sex the first time. Does that make sense? Add to that ED issues (again very likely porn related) and sex with me was just too much work, not anything that excited him anymore, and not something he had a natural desire to do any longer - at least, that's how it felt to me. As you mentioned in your initial post, sex felt like a chore, not something natural, and absolutely not something I felt was done with any sort of emotion or love. Here's the thing about all that, though ... after much soul searching I was able to see and accept that the porn and ED issues were there before I even came into the picture. We had compatibility issues, differing ideas of how to handle normal life stuff, among other things. Many of these differences could have been worked on, but he refused. I asked repeatedly to go to counseling, and he refused. I asked repeatedly for more date nights and other romantic things to try and initiate some intimacy, but nothing. He simply refused. I gained weight (as I thought I was too thin), with no change. I lost weight (still no change in him). I initiated frequently (and got rejected most of the time). I declined to initiate and just waited for him to (but still nothing). I even rejected him once when he finally did make an attempt with me (but that backfired on me worse than I could have imagined and his cruel / cold response further devastated me). I researched porn addiction. I researched sexless marriages (and did find myself here! :*) ) I talked a couple close and trusted friends. I googled the hell out of anything and everything I could think of. I tired everything, and still nothing. Your husband's rejection likely has absolutely nothing to do with you. You won't know what he's thinking, though, if you don't ask him point blank. He may not fully realize how much his actions are hurting you. I will admit to having made this mistake for far too long. I should have thrown my cards on the table much earlier and demanded he work through things with me. He probably still wouldn't have, but at least then I wouldn't have gone on so many years after - crying silently, as you said, with my heart broken and wondering wtf was wrong with me. Or as my screen name says, why not me? He fucks fine at the parties. He has plenty of interest in the ladies at the parties. Why not me? I am a rather attractive woman, with a great personality and beautiful eyes, hair and smile - and just the right amount of junk in my trunk  per the many men I've known. So wtf is wrong with me? I made myself sick month after month, year after year, trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Fact is, NOTHING! There's nothing wrong with me. The issue was and is him. The exact reason 'why' still escapes me. I still don't know why, but I stopped asking the question and came to accept that life as I knew it with him was unacceptable to me and if he continued to resist really working on things then .... well, I was done. We were married for 6 years, together for 8, and today, in fact, wow, marks the 1 year anniversary of the day he moved out of the house. We will be divorced a year in 3 weeks. It's already been a year. To address the possibilities for his sudden drop off in his interest in you: maybe he is having ED issues, maybe he picked up an STD and didn't want you to know about it, maybe his porn is affecting him and skewing what he once thought was normal or once thought was attractive; maybe he developed a madonna complex, maybe you did / are doing something that is turning him off but he's unable to tell you b/c he doesn't want to hurt you, maybe his libido is low and he needs to get his t levels checked, maybe he saw you having a great time with some stud at a club and felt inadequate and feels he is unable to please you like that, maybe you started making more money than him so he now feels emasculated, maybe he feels too old to be attractive to you .... maybe, maybe, maybe .... this list can go on and on. Guessing and questioning and wondering will make you crazy!! God, do I know!! Figure out what you want. What is acceptable to you and what isn't. Ask to talk to him and ask kindly but directly. Speak your truth. Either he will listen and explain and work through things with you or he won't. You have to do what's best for you, and I so hope and pray you don't spend anywhere near the amount of time I (or sadkat and others, for that matter) spent trying to "figure it out" and feeling like it's your fault. Time is precious and life is far too short to be miserable. |
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Post by curious81 on Nov 25, 2020 15:03:14 GMT -5
He still watches porn a lot. I can see the way he looks at women. I know he still has a sex drive - just not with me. I guess that’s why it’s hurting right now As with sadkat, mine had the porn thing going, too. What I found out in my research and when I went for counseling with a sexual health counselor, is that when porn is watched, especially to the degree of addiction, it kills one's interest in 'normal' sex in addition to being one of if not THE leading cause of ED in men. For me, mine watched porn a lot and had the freedom to play with others at clubs / parties, too. This excitement gets amplified, raising the bar of what's new and exciting, and killing any interest in the sex he's already had with their partner however many times before. As such, it seems more parties and more porn were needed in order to get him to feel the excitement he first felt when we had sex the first time. Does that make sense? Add to that ED issues (again very likely porn related) and sex with me was just too much work, not anything that excited him anymore, and not something he had a natural desire to do any longer - at least, that's how it felt to me. As you mentioned in your initial post, sex felt like a chore, not something natural, and absolutely not something I felt was done with any sort of emotion or love. Here's the thing about all that, though ... after much soul searching I was able to see and accept that the porn and ED issues were there before I even came into the picture. We had compatibility issues, differing ideas of how to handle normal life stuff, among other things. Many of these differences could have been worked on, but he refused. I asked repeatedly to go to counseling, and he refused. I asked repeatedly for more date nights and other romantic things to try and initiate some intimacy, but nothing. He simply refused. I gained weight (as I thought I was too thin), with no change. I lost weight (still no change in him). I initiated frequently (and got rejected most of the time). I declined to initiate and just waited for him to (but still nothing). I even rejected him once when he finally did make an attempt with me (but that backfired on me worse than I could have imagined and his cruel / cold response further devastated me). I researched porn addiction. I researched sexless marriages (and did find myself here! :*) ) I talked a couple close and trusted friends. I googled the hell out of anything and everything I could think of. I tired everything, and still nothing. Your husband's rejection likely has absolutely nothing to do with you. You won't know what he's thinking, though, if you don't ask him point blank. He may not fully realize how much his actions are hurting you. I will admit to having made this mistake for far too long. I should have thrown my cards on the table much earlier and demanded he work through things with me. He probably still wouldn't have, but at least then I wouldn't have gone on so many years after - crying silently, as you said, with my heart broken and wondering wtf was wrong with me. Or as my screen name says, why not me? He fucks fine at the parties. He has plenty of interest in the ladies at the parties. Why not me? I am a rather attractive woman, with a great personality and beautiful eyes, hair and smile - and just the right amount of junk in my trunk per the many men I've known. So wtf is wrong with me? I made myself sick month after month, year after year, trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Fact is, NOTHING! There's nothing wrong with me. The issue was and is him. The exact reason 'why' still escapes me. I still don't know why, but I stopped asking the question and came to accept that life as I knew it with him was unacceptable to me and if he continued to resist really working on things then .... well, I was done. We were married for 6 years, together for 8, and today, in fact, wow, marks the 1 year anniversary of the day he moved out of the house. We will be divorced a year in 3 weeks. It's already been a year. To address the possibilities for his sudden drop off in his interest in you: maybe he is having ED issues, maybe he picked up an STD and didn't want you to know about it, maybe his porn is affecting him and skewing what he once thought was normal or once thought was attractive; maybe he developed a madonna complex, maybe you did / are doing something that is turning him off but he's unable to tell you b/c he doesn't want to hurt you, maybe his libido is low and he needs to get his t levels checked, maybe he saw you having a great time with some stud at a club and felt inadequate and feels he is unable to please you like that, maybe you started making more money than him so he now feels emasculated, maybe he feels too old to be attractive to you .... maybe, maybe, maybe .... this list can go on and on. Guessing and questioning and wondering will make you crazy!! God, do I know!! Figure out what you want. What is acceptable to you and what isn't. Ask to talk to him and ask kindly but directly. Speak your truth. Either he will listen and explain and work through things with you or he won't. You have to do what's best for you, and I so hope and pray you don't spend anywhere near the amount of time I (or sadkat and others, for that matter) spent trying to "figure it out" and feeling like it's your fault. Time is precious and life is far too short to be miserable. Wow! Thank you so so much for such a long reply. It’s so helpful and means so much. Weirdly I thought I was the only female experiencing this as we always hear people talking about women not wanting sex with their husband but rarely the other way round. My husband likes young women, I’m pretty sure the problem is I’m getting too old and he no longer finds me attractive. I’ve also lost loads of weight and when that doesn’t work I’ve gained some again but nothing I do works anymore. Deep down I know there’s nothing more I can do. I know he loves me and his very kind and supportive and he doesn’t want to break up. I don’t know what to do. I miss sex but I seem to only want it with him! Arghh!! I’m at work (on a break) so can’t reply properly at the moment. Thanks again xxx |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2020 15:04:06 GMT -5
curious81 baza is correct. I read your post and my heart sank. For what seemed forever I was the only 'swinger' on here in an SM. How simply unthinkable that whole idea was to me. I mean, swingers and people with such adventurous sex lives surely must have a great sex life with each other, right? I started on here over a year ago. You can search my posts as Baza suggested. Please feel free to message me directly on here, too. I'd be happy to talk you through my fruitless search for 'why' this was happening, and "what" I did or did not do to cause this, and 'how' I could fix everything and make it as it used to be. I started with lots of questions and tried my best to understand my (now ex-) husband. This forum was helpful for my process and certainly made me feel at least a little better that I was not alone. Follow along, read through the posts, ask your questions, and again, don't hesitate to message me directly. I found much support here. snowman12345 I had a play partner that would come to our home and 'take care of me' while my (now ex-)H was home. I always hoped he would join in, but he only did once and never again. That play partner over time became my secret play partner up until the end of our marriage. I told myself I just needed those 'good orgasms' and they'd help me get through while I tried to fix our marriage (and in reality, my H). In reality though, all that did was further the divide between me and my H. It exacerbated the reality of what I was missing and wanting from my H. In hindsight, I think it was a mistake to ever have even asked for that option. In no way did it fix anything. Maybe someone else would have a different experience, but for me, for someone who truly loved her H and wanted her marriage to work, trying to accept a 'substitute' only reinforced what I truly wanted and, I believe, pushed my H further away from me. I will have to bow to your first hand knowledge in this. My wife takes no part in my sex life, I know she doesn't want me in that way so I go outside the marriage for physical pleasure. She doesn't want me to leave and if I pushed it she would have sex with me, but that feels a bit rapey to me so I no longer ask. I think curious81 is fearful of being stranded by her husband. It doesn't feel like he is interested in fixing their marriage. I don't know this as concrete fact, but neither will she if she does not ask him. The fear of being alone is a powerful emotion, I think many of us here (myself included) stay in their SM at least in part for that reason. I hope she has the realization that there are men out there who would want her. If there are women out there that want a gray haired troll like self, someone younger (like her) will still have a pretty good chance. I would not want her to end up in a loveless marriage where she has to cart his old ass around to doctor's appointments without any thing in return. .... I can totally see how some would be fine getting some on the side and keeping their 'happy' home / marriage together for whatever reason. I was merely saying, that did not in any way work for me. I was the main bread winner, the owner of the home, and more than capable of financially supporting myself and my kids. My H was there because I loved and wanted him to be there. If he wasn't going to be able to provide love and affection to me in the way I needed it and be a true partner to me, then we hit roommate status and I had no desire for a roommate, especially one I felt less than and unwanted by. Everyone's situations are different. Everyone's needs are different. Your stepping out may be just the thing you need to keep your marriage going if that's what you so choose. Everyone has to make that decision for themselves. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2020 15:12:38 GMT -5
As with sadkat , mine had the porn thing going, too. What I found out in my research and when I went for counseling with a sexual health counselor, is that when porn is watched, especially to the degree of addiction, it kills one's interest in 'normal' sex in addition to being one of if not THE leading cause of ED in men. For me, mine watched porn a lot and had the freedom to play with others at clubs / parties, too. This excitement gets amplified, raising the bar of what's new and exciting, and killing any interest in the sex he's already had with their partner however many times before. As such, it seems more parties and more porn were needed in order to get him to feel the excitement he first felt when we had sex the first time. Does that make sense? Add to that ED issues (again very likely porn related) and sex with me was just too much work, not anything that excited him anymore, and not something he had a natural desire to do any longer - at least, that's how it felt to me. As you mentioned in your initial post, sex felt like a chore, not something natural, and absolutely not something I felt was done with any sort of emotion or love. Here's the thing about all that, though ... after much soul searching I was able to see and accept that the porn and ED issues were there before I even came into the picture. We had compatibility issues, differing ideas of how to handle normal life stuff, among other things. Many of these differences could have been worked on, but he refused. I asked repeatedly to go to counseling, and he refused. I asked repeatedly for more date nights and other romantic things to try and initiate some intimacy, but nothing. He simply refused. I gained weight (as I thought I was too thin), with no change. I lost weight (still no change in him). I initiated frequently (and got rejected most of the time). I declined to initiate and just waited for him to (but still nothing). I even rejected him once when he finally did make an attempt with me (but that backfired on me worse than I could have imagined and his cruel / cold response further devastated me). I researched porn addiction. I researched sexless marriages (and did find myself here! :*) ) I talked a couple close and trusted friends. I googled the hell out of anything and everything I could think of. I tired everything, and still nothing. Your husband's rejection likely has absolutely nothing to do with you. You won't know what he's thinking, though, if you don't ask him point blank. He may not fully realize how much his actions are hurting you. I will admit to having made this mistake for far too long. I should have thrown my cards on the table much earlier and demanded he work through things with me. He probably still wouldn't have, but at least then I wouldn't have gone on so many years after - crying silently, as you said, with my heart broken and wondering wtf was wrong with me. Or as my screen name says, why not me? He fucks fine at the parties. He has plenty of interest in the ladies at the parties. Why not me? I am a rather attractive woman, with a great personality and beautiful eyes, hair and smile - and just the right amount of junk in my trunk per the many men I've known. So wtf is wrong with me? I made myself sick month after month, year after year, trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Fact is, NOTHING! There's nothing wrong with me. The issue was and is him. The exact reason 'why' still escapes me. I still don't know why, but I stopped asking the question and came to accept that life as I knew it with him was unacceptable to me and if he continued to resist really working on things then .... well, I was done. We were married for 6 years, together for 8, and today, in fact, wow, marks the 1 year anniversary of the day he moved out of the house. We will be divorced a year in 3 weeks. It's already been a year. To address the possibilities for his sudden drop off in his interest in you: maybe he is having ED issues, maybe he picked up an STD and didn't want you to know about it, maybe his porn is affecting him and skewing what he once thought was normal or once thought was attractive; maybe he developed a madonna complex, maybe you did / are doing something that is turning him off but he's unable to tell you b/c he doesn't want to hurt you, maybe his libido is low and he needs to get his t levels checked, maybe he saw you having a great time with some stud at a club and felt inadequate and feels he is unable to please you like that, maybe you started making more money than him so he now feels emasculated, maybe he feels too old to be attractive to you .... maybe, maybe, maybe .... this list can go on and on. Guessing and questioning and wondering will make you crazy!! God, do I know!! Figure out what you want. What is acceptable to you and what isn't. Ask to talk to him and ask kindly but directly. Speak your truth. Either he will listen and explain and work through things with you or he won't. You have to do what's best for you, and I so hope and pray you don't spend anywhere near the amount of time I (or sadkat and others, for that matter) spent trying to "figure it out" and feeling like it's your fault. Time is precious and life is far too short to be miserable. Wow! Thank you so so much for such a long reply. It’s so helpful and means so much. Weirdly I thought I was the only female experiencing this as we always hear people talking about women not wanting sex with their husband but rarely the other way round. My husband likes young women, I’m pretty sure the problem is I’m getting too old and he no longer finds me attractive. I’ve also lost loads of weight and when that doesn’t work I’ve gained some again but nothing I do works anymore. Deep down I know there’s nothing more I can do. I know he loves me and his very kind and supportive and he doesn’t want to break up. I don’t know what to do. I miss sex but I seem to only want it with him! Arghh!! I’m at work (on a break) so can’t reply properly at the moment. Thanks again xxx I always thought I was odd too since of course men ALWAYS want sex, right? lol! Mine threw my high sex drive in my face many, many times and made me feel like an insatiable freak! Your husband may truly love you. He may truly care for you. But you're sad, confused, and needing something from him. Something is lacking in your marriage right now - at least from your perspective. It's my personal opinion that if someone does truly love you and does truly want to be with you, then they are not going to want to see you sad or feel like they're the ones making you sad. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. See if he will go to counseling. Listen to what he has to say. What he says in response to your concerns will speak volumes. What he actually DOES in response to your concerns will speak more. |
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Post by isthisit on Nov 25, 2020 16:40:20 GMT -5
Oh yes, the double disadvantage of the women here. All the angst of the men who experience a SM plus the additional mind fuck of the social expectation that ALL men have a libido, and of course every man wants to fuck his Mrs right?
@whynotm3 is correct, your husband absolutely will love you. Mine adored me and loved me as much as he is capable of loving anyone. Just not the way I needed him to. It’s a case of whether that’s enough for you, and only you can know this. Time will help you make a good decision. Just don’t spend too much getting there. I, and many others here took too long with that.
I wish you well.
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Post by TMD on Nov 25, 2020 20:59:34 GMT -5
Mine adored me and loved me as much as he is capable of loving anyone. Just not the way I needed him to. It’s a case of whether that’s enough for you, and only you can know this. Time will help you make a good decision. Just don’t spend too much getting there. I, and many others here took too long with that. I wish you well. I wonder, is it *really* love if your partner isn’t willing to find ways to make the relationship work? I mean, I suppose my spouse is loving. But if I am begging him for help, to meet me half way to sort out our SM (as I did in past; won’t go down that path ever again), and he doesn’t, it’s not just a matter of his inability. Is it not a lack of mutual respect, a lack of consideration for the person who is asking to make change? How are they loving if they completely abandon you? |
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Post by baza on Nov 25, 2020 21:35:40 GMT -5
I am (selectively) quoting Sister @whynotm3 here where she says (earlier in the thread) - "stepping out may be just the thing you need to keep your marriage going if that's what you so choose. Everyone has to make that decision for themselves"
There's a huge amount of truth in that statement.
It is most unwise to base your choices on what the populist 'society' tells you.
Not too smart to base your choices on what your church might tell you either.
Basing your choices on what your elected leaders ain't such a great idea either.
Friends and family opinions are not necessarily good things to base your choices on.
Nor is facebook a great medium for making your choices on.
For that matter, this very ILIASM group is not the be all and end all to base your choices on.
Sure, you can take under consideration what people (as above) opinion might be, but the choice making is on you and no-one else.
And your choice needs to be based on your longer term best interests, and what is right for you in your unique set of circumstances.
What society, church, leaders, friends, family, facebook, ILIASM might say isn't especially relevant, though all of them can play a role in helping you evaluate your options and ultimately to make your fully informed choice.
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For what seemed forever I was the only 'swinger' on here in an SM. How simply unthinkable that whole idea was to me. I mean, swingers and people with such adventurous sex lives surely must have a great sex life with each other, right? I started on here over a year ago. You can search my posts as Baza suggested. Please feel free to message me directly on here, too. I'd be happy to talk you through my fruitless search for 'why' this was happening, and "what" I did or did not do to cause this, and 'how' I could fix everything and make it as it used to be. I started with lots of questions and tried my best to understand my (now ex-) husband. This forum was helpful for my process and certainly made me feel at least a little better that I was not alone. Follow along, read through the posts, ask your questions, and again, don't hesitate to message me directly. I found much support here. 
per the many men I've known. So wtf is wrong with me? I made myself sick month after month, year after year, trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Fact is, NOTHING! There's nothing wrong with me. The issue was and is him. The exact reason 'why' still escapes me. I still don't know why, but I stopped asking the question and came to accept that life as I knew it with him was unacceptable to me and if he continued to resist really working on things then .... well, I was done. We were married for 6 years, together for 8, and today, in fact, wow, marks the 1 year anniversary of the day he moved out of the house. We will be divorced a year in 3 weeks. It's already been a year. 
