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Post by phantom44 on Sept 27, 2020 10:55:41 GMT -5
Can't believe this site even exist. I had no idea so many other people had the same problems as me.
It's nice to know i'm not alone.
I put a post up in the introduce yourself thread. But a member told me I should post here so my story stays in one place.
Going on 25 years of marriage, and after about the fifth year, she decided to leave my son and I for a 2 year affair.
I moved everything to my mom's apt. She was still alive then. But I didn't want to move my son, he was still in elementary school at the time.
And when I was 12 years old WE had to move because they were turning our apts into condo's. I grew up with a divorced Mother and a older sister that hated me, because now she wasn't the center of attention. And my dad lived 20 minutes away but I never saw him.
Anyway the move for me was traumatic , so I didn't want to do that to my son.
So my wife comes back after 2 years and ask me to PROTECT her , because the other guy threatened her and others. So I felt obligated. The guy turned out to be all talk, because he never would face me.
Anyway 20 years later, the last person to have sex with my wife was him.
we don't do anything. It's like having a roommate. not a wife. I've tried just about everything. to no avail.
I stay because i'm living on disability (that's a whole other story) and broke. I don't have the money to move on. If I did my son and I would be gone.
The sad part is I think I would still miss her? I guess you get so used to one person? She doesn't acknowledge that our marriage is not a problem. Because I still do everything for her.
But i'm the problem? I don't treat her like I love her she says. Well with all the resentment that has built up in 20+ yrs. I do way more than anyone else would. But she still blames me , for what I have no idea.
We sleep on opposite sides of the bed. When we watch a movie together or something. We don't touch.
I'm the romantic, I believe when we do something together we should be holding hands and cuddling at night. But she's like a ice queen.
It's a mess. If you read all of this? Thankyou.
It does help to know i'm not the only one with this problem. But it would be better if I was. Maybe this forum can help? I don't know.
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Post by saarinista on Sept 27, 2020 11:41:45 GMT -5
It sounds like you really care what she thinks. I wonder why?
She doesn't sound like she deserves your consideration. But you're far from the only person to feel this way.
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Post by Handy on Sept 27, 2020 12:04:29 GMT -5
phantom44, thanks for starting a thread. It will help you and the members. First know that some peoples (your wife (W)) are takers and some people give too much. I wonder who fit in this slot?? From the little that I know, but with 10+ years of reading relationship forums, I can say some things in a book might help you but it will be slow and rough going. The book is titled "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. The book talks about giving and then expecting something in return. This is the "nice guy giving to get" It doesn't work with a person that is a taker or a selfish person. The book also suggest ways to take a little control of a relationship back. Glover's videos are on Youtube. Take a quick look at some of the selections and pick some that apply to you. The newer articles are loaded with dating comments, which still applies to a person trying to patch up an old relationship.
I don't remember which video introduces his concepts but look at: HC069 - No More Mr Nice Guy With Dr Robert Glover Best Ever Interview with Dr. Robert Glover - Author of No More Mr. Nice Guy | Dream Connections
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Post by Handy on Sept 27, 2020 12:11:33 GMT -5
You might benefit listening to some of the woman side of past abusive relationships and what might go on in their minds and what is important to talk some things out. Avoid what is called "flooding" which is talking about more than one complaint in a session. You did "A" and "B" and "C" doesn't work well. Just stick to ONE topic if you do or can talk with your room mate W.
Go to Youtube and look for Steven Stosny, PhD. He and another woman wrote a book titled "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It"
Can you earn money and how much? I ask because I was on a wok disability and retraining program for a long time to me. What can you do physically and not do physically?
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Post by baza on Sept 27, 2020 20:58:22 GMT -5
It all reads like you have been a passive observer of your own life Brother phantom44 . And your missus has made all the major choices in this deal with you tagging along behind. It might be time for you to adopt a far more pro-active stance in all this. To do that, you need information, so you can make fully informed choices about how you move forward. For example, do you know how a divorce would shake out for you in your jurisdiction ? That would seem critical information you need to have. Not that you'd necessarily go down that road - but as a perfectly legitimate option available to you it warrants fully checking out. Anyway, it reads like your missus has been driving the bus, and the choices she has made thus far have created a fair amount of collateral damage to the situation. It might be time for you to take over the wheel and make some choices of your own. |
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Post by phantom44 on Sept 27, 2020 22:02:29 GMT -5
Thanks for the feedback and replies. Just more to mull over. I appreciate the insight.
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Post by Handy on Sept 28, 2020 0:52:54 GMT -5
People have flaws, both sides have flaws. It would be nice to hear Mrs. Phanton44 reasons for leaving all those years ago. I wasn't looking to place blame, just looking why things happened the way they did.
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Post by jerri on Sept 28, 2020 2:07:46 GMT -5
Can't believe this site even exist. I had no idea so many other people had the same problems as me. It's nice to know i'm not alone. I put a post up in the introduce yourself thread. But a member told me I should post here so my story stays in one place. Welcome, wow what a story  Going on 25 years of marriage, and after about the fifth year, she decided to leave my son and I for a 2 year affair. I moved everything to my mom's apt. She was still alive then. But I didn't want to move my son, he was still in elementary school at the time. And when I was 12 years old WE had to move because they were turning our apts into condo's. I grew up with a divorced Mother and a older sister that hated me, because now she wasn't the center of attention. And my dad lived 20 minutes away but I never saw him. Anyway the move for me was traumatic , so I didn't want to do that to my son. So my wife comes back after 2 years and ask me to PROTECT her , because the other guy threatened her and others. So I felt obligated. The guy turned out to be all talk, because he never would face me. Anyway 20 years later, the last person to have sex with my wife was him. I would not assume that she had sex with him, at least not in the long run. I wondered why my H's girlfriend and and ex wife used to flaunt her boyfriend on my H's jogging trail when it really hurt him. She would not tell me why she left him.
Later, when he threatened to leave because I was going to step out of the m arriage for sex. I asked him- did they leave you because you would not have sex with them? He said yes. I asked are you going to have sex in your next relationship? He said, well, I will have to have sex at first, but then I can stop.
I could not believe my ears! Many years later, I asked his ex wife's husband, at a new years eve party. What happened to them? I knew she left his son with him while she went to a bar, then she decided not to come back home again. He said that my H had dropped all intimacy with her so she left him hanging without word, just left.
I think it's very possible that they, do this to others as well.we don't do anything. It's like having a roommate. not a wife. I've tried just about everything. to no avail. I stay because i'm living on disability (that's a whole other story) and broke. I don't have the money to move on. If I did my son and I would be gone. The sad part is I think I would still miss her? I guess you get so used to one person? She doesn't acknowledge that our marriage is not a problem. Because I still do everything for her. It was so much easier not act out. It hurt, but I thought it was better if I didn't sabotage the marrige as well. My plan was to give 100% until I left. Then I would get angry and then calm down. One morning I announced that I was stepping out of the marrige for sex. His good morning smile melted. I could no longer go without intimacy.But i'm the problem? I don't treat her like I love her she says. Well with all the resentment that has built up in 20+ yrs. I do way more than anyone else would. But she still blames me , for what I have no idea. Because they don't want to blame themselves? My H used to say, don't blame me! I thought, did I hear him correctly?We sleep on opposite sides of the bed. When we watch a movie together or something. We don't touch. I'm the romantic, I believe when we do something together we should be holding hands and cuddling at night. But she's like a ice queen. It's a mess. If you read all of this? Thankyou. It does help to know i'm not the only one with this problem. But it would be better if I was. Maybe this forum can help? I don't know. |
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Post by phantom44 on Sept 28, 2020 8:57:49 GMT -5
Well lets see. She was drinking like a fish. And she couldn't deal with the fact that I was diagnosed with an incurable illness. And would never be the same.
So "I" went with her to AA, hoping it would help her stop drinking so much.
And that is when "he" also a newcomer swooped in and they hooked up, because he wasn't complaining about her drinking, they could drink together.
She never did even think what it was like for me to "have my life turned upside down in one day" I went from being "superman" to being superman that ate kryptonite. Basically my illness took away all my energy, and shot my pain tolerance. I'm in physical pain everyday.
I always was there when she had to have surgeries. I never thought of leaving, I took care of her, that's what you are supposed to do.
She basically saw the grass was greener with this guy and she found out it wasn't.
I guarantee they had sex. Because when we discussed what happened , I told her I could forgive her, but I couldn't get the picture of them having sex out of my mind. And she had no come back for that.
I know if they were drinking and partying like she was, they were having plenty of sex.
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Post by jerri on Sept 28, 2020 15:28:59 GMT -5
Do you have an autoimmune condition?
I am so very sorry this happened to you❣
Was she an ice queen' first year of the marrige? Was she also romantic at times?
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 28, 2020 23:06:18 GMT -5
Talk to a lawyer. A divorce may leave you with more assets than you are imagining now. For instance, if you live in a community property state, you may be entitled to half of her retirement and any other assets she has that she didn't inherit.
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Post by phantom44 on Sept 29, 2020 13:47:21 GMT -5
Jerri....yea and more. Has alot to do with all the damage I did to my spine working construction for many years and a few falls right on my back.
And as for the first year, we couldn't have enough sex. It was all the time. Otherwise I wouldn't have married her. But I think what happened is that I used to be (I say this as humbly as I can) but I was a good looking guy. I had women left and right.
But then I got sick and my superman body went to mush. I hate to think she married me just for my looks. But she could always just leave. People get sick.
She isn't the hot little thing I married either, but it doesn't change my love for her.
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Post by phantom44 on Sept 29, 2020 13:57:20 GMT -5
She doesn't have anything. And if it came to divorce , I don't want anything. Just peace of mind.  |
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Post by baza on Sept 29, 2020 21:31:19 GMT -5
Humans are an inventive lot. If one wants to stay in an ILIASM situation, then one will find a justification to do so. If one wants to cheat, then one will find a justification to do so. If one wants to leave, then one will find a justification to do so. And, the three options one has - staying, cheating, leaving - are all perfectly legitimate choices. Thing is, that having made the choice (whichever of the 3) you then have to own it, and live it. The choice you make, and the consequences that ensue from it, are on you. You say that what you seek is "peace of mind" Brother phantom44 . What choices do you figure you'll have to make to achieve that aim ? |
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Post by phantom44 on Sept 30, 2020 16:05:31 GMT -5
Thanks for the feedback and replies. Just more to mull over. I appreciate the insight. One day at a time, baza. I have no idea how to get "peace of mind" right now. I guess my first step was posting here, and admitting to everyone that I have let my wife walk all over me. Step 1. Is i'm no longer in denial about my role in my life. Step2. I am responsible for my happiness. I'm kindof stuck because of money. I've been trying for years to figure out how to make money again. I started working at 14 years old, so i'm not afraid of work. But as soon as I think I can do it, wham my illness will knock me down for days. literally. I can't imagine many people hiring a guy that they can't count on to even show up. I met a psychiatrist at a support meeting. And she had to quit working. And I asked her nicely why? Don't you just sit and listen to other peoples problems? She told me just doing that was to much for her, and she worked from home. And she had a Medical Degree. That put a damper on me finding work. All I have is a Construction background, I worked my way up to Foreman. But that does me no good now. Step 3 I set some boundaries a few days ago. And she didn't say a word, she doesn't push me around or intimidated me. It all reads like you have been a passive observer of your own life Brother phantom44 . And your missus has made all the major choices in this deal with you tagging along behind. |
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