Excerpt of an email to my ex-best friend
Jun 1, 2016 9:47:24 GMT -5
Isabellas39, DryCreek, and 7 more like this
Post by nyartgal on Jun 1, 2016 9:47:24 GMT -5
If you happened to read my post from last week, you may remember that I realized that my dynamic with the person who used to be my closest friend resembles the one I had with my ex-husband in my former SM. A couple days ago I wrote her a very kind, gentle email saying that we had grown apart and we aren't actually friends anymore, so let's stop pretending and move on. I didn't bring up how I felt or our dynamic because frankly I didn't want to get into one of these back and forths where we both bitch about the other because I feel like our friendship are far past the point of repair. But she responded by saying that she loves me and still wants to be friends but in a different way, and she wants to be honest with me about why we have grown apart. Note: she didn't ask me why I think we have grown apart, it's all about HER side of the story and HER reasons for pulling away.
I figured, if she wants an honest dialogue FINALLY after all these years of begging her to be straight with me, great, here's how I feel about how dysfunctional our dynamic is and how I don't want any version of it in my life anymore---close, distant or otherwise. I realized after writing it that not only do I refer to my former husband in it, I saw how it is almost verbatim things I said to him.
Posting this in case it helps you put your own feelings into words or in case you feel the same way in my SM. This is the first few paragraphs of a longer email:
****
"Sure, I would be happy to have an honest dialogue. One of the main things that has bothered me for a long time is that we haven't had one---I constantly have this sneaking feeling that you are withholding something from me, whether it's information (like when you and your boyfriend got back together), disagreement, hurt feelings, opinions, etc, and I have to ask/persuade/push you to tell me what's going on. That's not a dynamic/role that I want anymore.
The main thing for me is that it can't go on how it has been. I've been walking on eggshells around you for as long as I can remember. Frankly I was so used to doing that with my Mom and then my ex-husband it just seemed normal. But I've figured out a lot of things and one is that it's not normal to be in a long term intimate relationship with someone and be so actively worried about everything I say or do, or constantly ignore or rationalize it when you say or do something that hurts my feelings. And even if it's the most normal thing on earth, I don't want to do it. I have to be able to be myself, but more importantly, I have to feel like MY feelings are equally as important in the relationship, otherwise it becomes all about the other person's feelings and my relationship to them. Never how their behavior impacts MY feelings, or even that I have feelings in the first place that can get hurt.
I was and am pretty gobsmacked that you could come here after more than a year, not once ask what works for me or my schedule, set all the terms for when/how we could hang out (playdates or me tagging along with your plans around your daughter's nap schedule or your freelance gigs) and reject point blank any request to grab even one hour alone for coffee. Even if you were in a situation where you had a special needs kid who had to be under your constant supervision, which clearly you don't, or you were in the very process of curing cancer, which clearly you're not, the fact that it either didn't occur to you that the cavalier tone of this rejection would hurt my feelings, or that you didn't care if it did, is the perfect example of how dysfunctional this relationship has become. I mean, if you have no actual desire to see me one on one after all this time, what are we even talking about? I'm not a friend to you, I'm a throwaway acquaintance on par with someone you haven't seen since elementary school. Let's be honest about it.
I would hope that after all these years we could be forthcoming with each other, but I don't want to force you, or for you to feel forced. I neither want that responsibility nor to feel this perpetual sense of mystery about where I stand with you. At this late date, I feel that I should have passed all your tests, and if I haven't yet I'm clearly not going to. It's too stressful to feel like one wrong move or word or mistake and I'm back on "mystery probation." It feels like my ex's "secret point system" for how mad he was going to be at me that day. I never learned how this point system worked or how many points I had, only that no matter what I did, I was found wanting.
"
******
It's SO CRAZY to me how I have chosen people who make me feel this way, I'm always chasing after their love and approval and never understanding why they keep moving the goalposts to make getting it impossible. What the hell??? Thank god for divorce, a great therapist and an amazing husband. And lots of sex!!
Oh, one more VERY IMPORTANT DETAIL: my ex-best friend was the refuser in her long term relationship and is terrified of sex and men. I know for sure she didn't have an orgasm until her 30's and never masturbated. She thought she was frigid until her mid to late 30's when she finally started to enjoy sex a little on occasion.
I figured, if she wants an honest dialogue FINALLY after all these years of begging her to be straight with me, great, here's how I feel about how dysfunctional our dynamic is and how I don't want any version of it in my life anymore---close, distant or otherwise. I realized after writing it that not only do I refer to my former husband in it, I saw how it is almost verbatim things I said to him.
Posting this in case it helps you put your own feelings into words or in case you feel the same way in my SM. This is the first few paragraphs of a longer email:
****
"Sure, I would be happy to have an honest dialogue. One of the main things that has bothered me for a long time is that we haven't had one---I constantly have this sneaking feeling that you are withholding something from me, whether it's information (like when you and your boyfriend got back together), disagreement, hurt feelings, opinions, etc, and I have to ask/persuade/push you to tell me what's going on. That's not a dynamic/role that I want anymore.
The main thing for me is that it can't go on how it has been. I've been walking on eggshells around you for as long as I can remember. Frankly I was so used to doing that with my Mom and then my ex-husband it just seemed normal. But I've figured out a lot of things and one is that it's not normal to be in a long term intimate relationship with someone and be so actively worried about everything I say or do, or constantly ignore or rationalize it when you say or do something that hurts my feelings. And even if it's the most normal thing on earth, I don't want to do it. I have to be able to be myself, but more importantly, I have to feel like MY feelings are equally as important in the relationship, otherwise it becomes all about the other person's feelings and my relationship to them. Never how their behavior impacts MY feelings, or even that I have feelings in the first place that can get hurt.
I was and am pretty gobsmacked that you could come here after more than a year, not once ask what works for me or my schedule, set all the terms for when/how we could hang out (playdates or me tagging along with your plans around your daughter's nap schedule or your freelance gigs) and reject point blank any request to grab even one hour alone for coffee. Even if you were in a situation where you had a special needs kid who had to be under your constant supervision, which clearly you don't, or you were in the very process of curing cancer, which clearly you're not, the fact that it either didn't occur to you that the cavalier tone of this rejection would hurt my feelings, or that you didn't care if it did, is the perfect example of how dysfunctional this relationship has become. I mean, if you have no actual desire to see me one on one after all this time, what are we even talking about? I'm not a friend to you, I'm a throwaway acquaintance on par with someone you haven't seen since elementary school. Let's be honest about it.
I would hope that after all these years we could be forthcoming with each other, but I don't want to force you, or for you to feel forced. I neither want that responsibility nor to feel this perpetual sense of mystery about where I stand with you. At this late date, I feel that I should have passed all your tests, and if I haven't yet I'm clearly not going to. It's too stressful to feel like one wrong move or word or mistake and I'm back on "mystery probation." It feels like my ex's "secret point system" for how mad he was going to be at me that day. I never learned how this point system worked or how many points I had, only that no matter what I did, I was found wanting.
"
******
It's SO CRAZY to me how I have chosen people who make me feel this way, I'm always chasing after their love and approval and never understanding why they keep moving the goalposts to make getting it impossible. What the hell??? Thank god for divorce, a great therapist and an amazing husband. And lots of sex!!
Oh, one more VERY IMPORTANT DETAIL: my ex-best friend was the refuser in her long term relationship and is terrified of sex and men. I know for sure she didn't have an orgasm until her 30's and never masturbated. She thought she was frigid until her mid to late 30's when she finally started to enjoy sex a little on occasion.
