|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jun 3, 2016 12:23:56 GMT -5
Not to get to off track here, but this has a lot of holes in it. Do you want someone who is always speaking up and want's to change everything you think and do, and have it done just their way? If they do something differently, does it mean their wrong? Is the person who is " normal " know " the only way?" Does a " normal" person constantly correct and lecture someone, and point out every little thing they don't like as if they are making some kind of mistake? How does it benefit that person? Does it make them think, " wow, I'm sure glad they were there to set me straight?" I highly doubt it. i am pretty sure it makes them want to stop doing things with that person and avoid them all together. But wait, that's passive aggressive? Or is it " normal?" Another big hole in this is that many times you don't even know it's happened while it is happening! So you have to " dig up old bones, stir the pot, cause trouble". So by later defending yourself, you are now a PA? from personal experience, my mother was bi-polar, my sister would confront her head on, and get it 10 times worse! I learned to remain silent, avoid it, take it, self absorb it, and live with the anger. Which lead to a life of being pretty good at getting along, while being not so good at defending myself while the moment is happening. |
|
|
|
Post by nyartgal on Jun 3, 2016 15:59:53 GMT -5
To "remain silent, avoid it, take it, self absorb it, and live with the anger" is the definition of a passive-aggressive, depressed person, I'm sorry to tell you. I'm not saying that to be insulting, but that's just the truth. Just sucking it up, holding on and never letting go of your anger is a recipe for an early heart attack, if nothing else. And what is the point exactly? I mean, if you're dealing with someone bi-polar confronting them is probably not going to help, but seething with repressed anger is not the answer either. One way or another you have to figure out how to manage your expectations of the person and let go of your anger about how they can't meet your needs, or get them out of your life. Otherwise you will probably wind up taking it out on yourself and the people around you. Actually, being PA is far more controlling of other people than telling them what you really think and feel. At least if they know they can do something about it. Or not. But no one is a mind-reader.
The point of NOT being PA is not to change people or tell them what to do or force your opinions on them, it's to be honest with yourself about what you feel, to be able to express it, and to let go of past anger, resentment, hurt, etc. To accept other people's limitations and make honest smart decisions about whether or not to accept those limitations. In most cases, as long as you are in a reciprocal relationship where the other person cares about your feelings and is in it 50-50, the limitations we all bring to the table are fine. But if someone's limitations mean they are incapable of having the kind of relationship you want, instead of seething with rage, either get the hell out or let go of caring.
|
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Jun 12, 2016 18:22:34 GMT -5
My third therapist (yup) said that as adults we gravitate towards relationships that we had as children. UNTIL we grow and start to seek different (sometimes) healthier ones. I can look back at my childhood and say "yes" - I can see how my SM was similar to my family relationships. Do you feel that this is true in your situation @nyartgirl ? With either of this Ex's? my husband is a lot like my co-dependent relationship with my mother its kind of scary except she was loving and then leave me . theres no pretending to be nice with my husband anymore |
|
|
|
Post by obobfla on Jun 12, 2016 19:27:07 GMT -5
A therapist once told me that if we have an unresolved relationship with a parent (that is unresolved within ourselves), we will unconsciously seek out someone just like that parent in a spouse. At first, I did not see that happening since neither of my parents were severely mentally ill. But my wife does bear a resemblance to my mother. She also comes from a large Irish Catholic family like I do. I remember the first time I was at her parents and saw how much alike our parents were. I guess I am still trying to resolve everything.
|
|
|
|
Post by petrushka on Jun 15, 2016 7:33:07 GMT -5
I would hope that after all these years we could be forthcoming with each other, but I don't want to force you, or for you to feel forced. I neither want that responsibility nor to feel this perpetual sense of mystery about where I stand with you. At this late date, I feel that I should have passed all your tests, and if I haven't yet I'm clearly not going to. It's too stressful to feel like one wrong move or word or mistake and I'm back on "mystery probation." It feels like my ex's "secret point system" for how mad he was going to be at me that day. I never learned how this point system worked or how many points I had, only that no matter what I did, I was found wanting. " "I never learned how this point system worked ....." How utterly Kafka-esque. {shudders} (After reading "Der Prozess" I never wanted to touch another novel by Kafka - it just gave me the heebie jeebies in a major way - 'black helicopters', pshaw!) |
|
