|
Post by jamesbonding on Jun 21, 2020 18:44:12 GMT -5
This thread was prompted by this post on the "dark humor" thread: iliasm.org/post/131510/thread(In case that link goes bad, it's a picture of a postcard that says: I'M AFRAID THAT ONE DAY, I'LL HAVE TO TRICK A STRAIGHT GIRL INTO MARRYING ME. I'M TOO SCARED TO COME OUT, AND TOO SCARED TO BE ALONE.)
I think it's obvious that if the writer of the postcard does indeed trick a straight girl into marrying him, the result would be a disaster for both of them. The guy might not be comfortable being intimate with his wife and might prefer to be with another guy. The wife... well, we all can guess how she would feel! The marriage would not be pleasant for either of them.
So I wonder, how many people are on this forum because their spouses turned out to be gay? bballgirl (sorry, edit) ballofconfusion was one of them. Are there others?
Among my own circle of real-life friends, I know of two separate cases. In each case, their spouse decided they were gay, divorced, and married someone of their own sex. If I know of two cases, I think this must be rather commonplace.
To the writer of the postcard and others who might think like him, I would say: Find a gay-friendly place to live (San Francisco, Boston, Amsterdam...). Find some gay friends. Come out. Be yourself. Pursue your dreams!
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Jun 21, 2020 22:15:14 GMT -5
I only know of one gay male. I met or knew of a few lesbians in college only because they were in a "Women's Issues" class. If it wasn't for the class, they acted fairly normal.
The first time I saw two guys hold hands or kiss, I almost threw up.
|
|
|
Post by ScottDinTN on Jun 22, 2020 0:07:24 GMT -5
I believe my wife is gay deep down. She is probably too religious to ever act on it though. I've asked her a few times if she was gay. I told her I would rather know than be lied to. She still says she's not. Its a possibility she is asexual. Either way, she's not into sex with me and has never taken me up on my offer for her to see other guys to open our marriage.
|
|
|
Post by ballofconfusion on Jun 23, 2020 9:41:17 GMT -5
jamesbonding, although this is an interesting question to ask I believe you will receive few responses. Most people on this forum are still in the thick of it with their sexless marriages (the ones who leave often leave the forum and/or post with growing infrequency as I do). When you are in the mud up to your eyeballs (so to speak) you simply cannot SEE the truth. I never trusted my gut. It wasn't until I left that my ex husband came out as gay. It wasn't until I left that court subpoenas drudged up hidden bank accounts with Grindr subscriptions. It wasn't until I left that I could wipe the sludge from my eyes and see him and my life for what it truly had been. Sadly, most of our spouses will not admit the truth. Why should they? They continue to receive everything they have always wanted - it could be a "best friend" so they aren't alone, a family, a respectable image, financial security, etc. They will take care of their sexual needs on the side and cloak their refusal to be intimate with their spouse in something (my ex husband cited sexual abuse and presented himself as a pious Catholic)...just more mud and sludge to hide the truth of the matter. The truth of the matter is that they are deeply selfish people who will never change. It simply does not MATTER if they are gay or straight. It quite literally makes zero difference to the neglected spouse at all. And as someone who was "gifted" with the truth after the fact - it provided zero peace. Having the "why" answered didn't help me feel better, didn't give me back the quarter century that I wasted. Notice I say that "I" wasted. Yes, I was lied to. Yes, I was deceived. However, I had the ability to walk away after the honeymoon and chose to stay from fear and embarrassment. Later, many years later, after he claimed to have remembered past sexual abuse - the GUILT is what kept me there. The time that I was robbed of? I did that to myself by staying in a situation that was making me miserable. I owned his pain and tried to ease it. I owned his depression for 25 years and tried to fix it. It took me 25 years to fix my own pain - to crawl out of the mud, wipe my eyes and walk away. When he refused to have sex on our honeymoon I should have run. I married a gay man against my will as I had no knowledge or consent. I didn't know he was gay, but he did. I wouldn't have married him had I known. But the years I wasted? Those years are on me. The fact that I went ahead and stayed and had kids with this man? That is on me. Yes, leaving was against my Catholic faith. I truly believed that if I prayed more, attended more masses, went to confession, etc. etc., that I would be able to be a "better wife." So, perhaps I 'm a bit too hard on myself. There are as many reasons for staying as there are people to ask the question of: Why didn't you leave? It may be a curious thing to know if our spouses are gay (or not) but it simply doesn't make any difference in the equation. The result is the same.
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Jun 24, 2020 4:51:09 GMT -5
This thread was prompted by this post on the "dark humor" thread: iliasm.org/post/131510/thread(In case that link goes bad, it's a picture of a postcard that says: I'M AFRAID THAT ONE DAY, I'LL HAVE TO TRICK A STRAIGHT GIRL INTO MARRYING ME. I'M TOO SCARED TO COME OUT, AND TOO SCARED TO BE ALONE.)
I think it's obvious that if the writer of the postcard does indeed trick a straight girl into marrying him, the result would be a disaster for both of them. The guy might not be comfortable being intimate with his wife and might prefer to be with another guy. The wife... well, we all can guess how she would feel! The marriage would not be pleasant for either of them.
So I wonder, how many people are on this forum because their spouses turned out to be gay? bballgirl (sorry, edit) ballofconfusion was one of them. Are there others? This week is Father's Day focus at postsecret.com. These aren't ILIASM.org members, but they confirm your concerns are not just theoretical. I seem to recall previous Fathers' Day collections with at least one of these kinds of secrets every year. In partial response to ballofconfusion, my rationale for posting this on the humor section was to indicate the damage done to spouses like her when society condemns homosexuality to the point where gay people may feel it is the proper and expected thing to build a marriage with a glaring flaw in it from day one. Catholicism and other strict religions invite this kind of farce all the stronger. The more condemnation a religion has for sexuality other than their approved activities, the more likely you introduce neuroses. Fighting such neuroses may be Godly work, but those marrying into such religions or practicing them should be aware that built-in landmines are scattered throughout the life ahead and it's a choice to walk in that specific territory. Being Godly is sometimes described as the best way and only way, but the possibility that it is a lot harder than they let on is not well advertised, not necessarily through any lack of moral fortitude of the person facing the challenge. Perhaps after the avalanche of scandals in the Catholic church I'm belaboring the obvious, but it isn't just the priesthood that's sexually insane with inner conflict and torment. Some of the laity is carrying heavy, invisible, reviled loads.
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Jun 26, 2020 3:14:41 GMT -5
I theorized that my wife, now ex, might have been a closet lesbian. Two years out, I think mirrororchid 's theory of abusive religious teaching is more likely the case. Unlike ballofconfusion, I am never going to have any resolution, but I think I can identify with the emptiness of knowing. It doesn't change a thing. I was lied to for twenty-five years, and, whatever the reason was, the excuses of why she did not want me were many, and lies. All lies. So, I am out, and I am pursuing my happiness. I wake up every day and think, "thank god I'm not married."
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Jun 26, 2020 6:21:49 GMT -5
I had an X girl friend who unknowingly married a homosexual. He was a school assist. principal with ambitions to go higher, but needed some window dressing to make that happen. Unlike me (I pumped many a load of little swimmers down her neck) he never touched her during the courtship. She thought he was just super respectful because of his job. On the honeymoon in Vegas he spent the night with one of the bellboys and she spent it alone. She was too embarrassed to divorce for years.
|
|
|
Post by blueguy on Jun 27, 2020 5:43:55 GMT -5
I’m leaning towards the belief that my wife is asexual. We can watch a movie or tv show and when some hot guy appears I know my wife likes that, and she’s not into lesbian anything. She just has no sex drive except very occasionally and it’s as if it peaks maybe for a few minutes every few months.
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Jun 27, 2020 6:04:33 GMT -5
I’m leaning towards the belief that my wife is asexual. We can watch a movie or tv show and when some hot guy appears I know my wife likes that, and she’s not into lesbian anything. She just has no sex drive except very occasionally and it’s as if it peaks maybe for a few minutes every few months. Welcome to the forum blueguy. Reading your past posts it sounds more like the combination of body issues and possibly a very low libido for her might be what's going on. Has she ever had her hormones tested or had a thyroid evaluation done?
|
|
|
Post by blueguy on Jun 28, 2020 13:22:59 GMT -5
I’m leaning towards the belief that my wife is asexual. We can watch a movie or tv show and when some hot guy appears I know my wife likes that, and she’s not into lesbian anything. She just has no sex drive except very occasionally and it’s as if it peaks maybe for a few minutes every few months. Welcome to the forum blueguy. Reading your past posts it sounds more like the combination of body issues and possibly a very low libido for her might be what's going on. Has she ever had her hormones tested or had a thyroid evaluation done? She's had hormone tests including her thyroid and all came back normal. She does have body issues which I will say is a lot of this, but I should have known this would have manifested into a larger problem right after we got married. She was more sexual when we were dating and did tell me a few years into our marriage that the only reason she did things like oral was because she thought I would dump her if she didn't. I do think back to our wedding night and I realize there was a red flag when she pretended to do oral and wanted to rush me with intercourse, and then the sex tapered off after our wedding night.
She doesn't look at me naked or want to touch me at all, even when we do have sex which is few and far between. Talk about a self esteem letdown.... This is honestly why I think she may be asexual. Even when she does read a romance novel which is also few and far between, it does nothing for her.
We tried counseling in the past and when the marriage counselor asked us about our sex life I made the mistake of being vocal quickly saying there wasn't much of one and laughed a little, mainly out of contempt. Yet, if I even remotely bring up the idea of finding a FWB, I get told that's horrible and she would never forgive me. Honestly I don't want to go that route so I just take care of it solo.
|
|
|
Post by alwaysdenied on Jul 1, 2020 12:24:43 GMT -5
I think mine is. From what I pieced together, mine was molested by her mom's boyfriend and his daughter a LOT by his daughter. Now this wasn't told straight out but pieced together over 25 years of little comments or things said. She would completely deny this when asked (I did). However, she checks out girls MUCH more than I do. And though so doesn't know that I know... gets off to lez porn. But again, she would never acknowledge this due to religion. What kind of sold it for me was when she wouldn't let me do oral anymore on her because she said it was something lesbians do. Not to brag, but the only time I ever felt like she enjoyed anything from me was when I would get her off orally so it was a HUGE loss. One day, I wish she could get through all her mental problems and be happy. Whether that's with me or with a woman or another man. But doubt she ever will go lez because of the whole religion thing.
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Jul 1, 2020 13:42:14 GMT -5
One day, I wish she could get through all her mental problems and be happy. Whether that's with me or with a woman or another man. But doubt she ever will go lez because of the whole religion thing. Change religions....There are several protestant denominations that have embraced a pretty worldly view of how to practice their faith. The Episcopalians, the Evangelical Lutheran Church are 2 I can think of off to bat that have embraced homosexuality and same sex marriage. There are probably more. And there are a fair # of internet churches (non Christian)that cater to the LBGT crowd.
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Jul 1, 2020 18:22:13 GMT -5
alwaysdenied your wife I would say has already "gone lez" if she gets off to lesbian porn. Honestly, have you tried asking her in an accepting, affirming way if she would like to live with integrity as a lesbian? Have you broached the topic? As for religion, I can confirm as one of those "worldly" Episcopalians to which worksforme2 refers that yes, the ECUSA Episcopal Churches (not the schismatic USA Anglican ones) and the ELCA Lutheran churches (no the LCMS or Wisconsin Synod though!) are all in for those who are LGBTQ. I, for one, could not be happier. I'm glad to know as I sit in my Episcopalian pew that at least the same-sex couples there are getting some. I hope. 🙄😁 Also the United church of christ is very open to LGBTQ individuals. Also the liberal Presbyterian and Methodist ones as well. Recently, the umc was going thorough a lot of angst and may have come down on the anti-gay side of the equation, so be aware of that. Double check on the PCUSA Presbyterians. There may be some liberal Baptists out there too, but not the Southern kind. But there are plenty of Christians who welcome folks just as God made them. There's no need for someone to live a lie in the name of God, I don't think.
|
|
|
Post by alwaysdenied on Jul 2, 2020 14:54:54 GMT -5
Yes, back before everything went sour, I asked if she would be interested in any girl or even to find someone to just work her over for her enjoyment and not have to reciprocate. Her reaction was disgust and it was enough for me to realize that there would never be any talk of it. It is what it is. I say religion, but it's MUCH more than that. It's just easier to say religion.
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Jul 2, 2020 19:19:25 GMT -5
What's her deal again with getting therapy alwaysdenied? It sounds like she is really a very troubled person. There's always hope, but the troubled individual has to be ready to take the initiative to rethink their life-almost always with the assistance of a mental health counselor- in order to make a change. And I can almost guarantee she's not going to do that unless you lower the boom on her and give her an ultimatum.
|
|