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Post by cagedadventurer on Jun 3, 2016 13:23:39 GMT -5
You wonder how she can go about her daily life not realizing that her actions are anything but normal. At the same time, by not bringing it up and pretending like everything else is just swell, you are contributing. I am not trying to sharpshoot you, but the normalcy part of this problem takes two. I get how that happens. Bringing up the SM thing makes for a lot of discomfort and sometimes for an unbearable home life. Perhaps, if you are still there or for next time, ask her what the plan is for the vacation. When she asks what you mean, tell her. Or if she blathers on about beaches and restaurants, explain yourself. Tell her that you want to know whether the two of you will have any intimacy because to you that is a big part of the enjoyment of a vacation. Be honest that the lack of it has made you wish you hadn't bothered going in the past and ultimately makes you resentful because the two of you are not fulfilling that part of the marriage relationship. Let her know that it hurts you because vacation implies some special enjoyment of time spent together and you are not getting any special enjoyment out of these trips. FWIW, I believe wholly in attachment parenting. I think the family bed is important and that comforting children and making them feel secure is essential and the role of both parents, not just one. Is there any possibility that she discussed with you the importance of being close with the children and you ignored it because you didn't share the opinion? If so, that could have created some resentment on her part. If that is possible, be prepared to take responsibility for how that made your wife feel and how it might be contributing to some overcompensation on her part now whereby she spends all of her intimacy on the kids. Despite my beliefs in attachment parenting, there is no reason to expect a parent to spend all night with an 8 year old, particularly if they are asleep and won't wake when she gets out and back into bed. Unless there are special needs involved, like ASD or the like, I think it is more than fair to have a conversation about this. The occasional night with an 8 y/o who is frightened or just wants a night with mom and dad in their bed is one thing. Spending all her time in a bed with the child at that age is setting up the child for unrealistic expectations and a skewed relationship with you and your wife, as well as alienating the marriage. Thank you for the comments Pinkberry. This is not a case of attachment parenting, rather the kids have been the easiest excuse for avoidance. Used in every respect. I am fine when they come in for comfort, etc. I often times fall asleep with them then go to my bed later. Resentments likely are there but I am confident that it is not due to opposing attitudes to attachment parenting. Even though yesterday, we did have sex (it was what I call "censored sex"), I wrote a 2 page letter today basically stating that the posing as married days are over. It is too much for me to bear and it must be the same for her. To live with someone that you work so hard at avoiding must be quite the burden to bear though foreign to me to comprehend. I don't think I could do that - be an avoider/refuser like that. I have been at this so long, I see it is purely emotional or mental as the switch for sex could be turned on when she wanted to get pregnant or when it is a holiday and she wants there to be peace, etc. It is a conscious decision as much as anything. I like the idea of sex when you need it and want it so that it does not become the whole relationship as when it's missing. But when it is there, it opens the gates to a potentially romantic, easy-going, enjoyable relationship. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 3, 2016 14:01:08 GMT -5
cagedadventurer, I've come to realize that as frustrated as I am that W doesn't want intimacy like I do, she's probably equally frustrated that I keep trying for intimacy that she doesn't want. It's a pretty basic mismatch, trying to pretend that a round peg and a square hole should somehow be made to work - we just aren't trying hard enough. "Why won't you...?" vs. "Why do you keep trying to...?"
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compugeek
New Member
bleh
Posts: 12 
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by compugeek on Jun 4, 2016 20:42:18 GMT -5
^^ Truth. She's pushing me to drive with her to see family. Honestly I think she just doesn't want to do the driving or answer where the kid's dad is rather than actually want me there.
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Post by cc on Jun 23, 2016 19:25:02 GMT -5
I am so sorry.
Special days and trips do me in, too. I actually grew up around the area you visited. My hometown makes me nostalgic and it always causes issues. Blah.
I, too, have held my breath waiting for my husband to make a move! I usually cry myself to sleep. I am tired of starting everything.
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Post by cc on Jun 23, 2016 19:26:45 GMT -5
I remember ,and will never forget our intimate, rekindle, alone trip together. It was my first post on EP six months ago. After having two hours of sex together in the morning ( it had been 3 1/2 yrs) then a very nice day together, I mentioned that I would like to be intimate in the morning. She said, " I don't know if I will be awake" I informed her, " you will be awake, you will be getting dressed and eating breakfast so we can leave on time." She said the next morning, " you were disrespectful, you said I WILL be ready for you in the morning " . I politely corrected her. That lead to deeper harsher, life changing comments from her. Then on the long trip home she talks small talk, like nothing is wrong.. I no longer like going anywhere with her and the family. We have to look like we are together. She claimed during our therapy that she detached herself two years ago. Long term planning is a subject that gets avoided. The children talk to us separately about it, and sometimes it goes in different directions. Things could/should be better if we had separate households . Two more years may not be doable. If my husband told me he would be ready for me in the morning I would take him up on it! LOL Ok, off to day dream he said that. HA! |
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