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Post by cagedadventurer on May 30, 2016 7:05:50 GMT -5
Thursday - Arrived in Destin, Fl for Memorial day weekend. Stayed at a hotel with suites with lockable bedroom as best alternative to renting a condo here.
Note that on Wednesday before we left, my refuser completely ignored my invitation for an afternoon bit of sex. I think she made a real light attempt to "let" me make a move on Saturday when she sent the kids down to breakfast by themselves. We were ALONE! - this is VERY RARE and usually avoided. But I was strong and waited for her to make some sort of invitation (just to be sure) which never came. But here we are at Monday morning and as with the past 4 nights, she is sleeping in the second bed with our 8 year old. Each night, I'd hear my avoider wake up to use the bathroom then quietly slip back into the bed with HIM while I lay there alone. As my breathing often gets tighter from the anxiety (sadness), I had to get out and come down for some breakfast and escape the reminder of the SM trap. That trap is HOPE - we hope, we linger (hoping they they will take advantage of the opportunity), we make innuendo, we hope, we take action, we love, we really try until we are spent and somehow we are able to try again. But only to futile ends. What is amazing and confusing still is the uses of the words "we" and "us" as in let "us" buy a place here, etc.!!
After all these year of avoidance I still do not get how these conversations referring to a future even happen. It occurs to me that just as someone with a condition, in this case I will refer to it as a an emotional condition, does not even realize that their actions are anything less than normal, therefore, they just cannot see the pain inflicted or the rejection (in our faces or indirect). At the same time, because they can change when confronted it is not easy to excuse the selfishness. Either way, let the chips fall here. I am more convicted then even last week to maintain my packing this week and MOVING! Sad yet exciting to finally get off the 50 yard line to effect change. I always come up with a reason to wait for another day to leave. Always a birthday, a holiday, 15 minutes of sex, something that has kept me here. But yet I am collapsing inside, like a suspended bridge with a cable strand snapping upon every act of avoidance and refusal, I think I have 1-2 strands left after all these years.
As was stated the other day, after so many years, we become someone we don't recognize when we step back and actually look. Controlled by our refuser and our vain hope.
It is interesting to watch couples in their 50's and 60's here in this paradise. For many you can see the angst in their countenance. For others you see contentment, smiles, holding of hands, attention reciprocated. That's what I would like. I think I'm worth that, I think anyway. Okay, I need to eat - great buffet waiting. Happy Memorial Day all.
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Post by JMX on May 30, 2016 7:29:41 GMT -5
Ah. Destin is a favorite vacation spot for me as well.
I also get the "talking about the future" and it is sincerely annoying.
Does she know you are packing? Not sure if I missed a story?
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Post by Isabellas39 on May 30, 2016 9:48:27 GMT -5
I know not to expect anything intimate on vacations...I remember a long time ago my husband inviting me to go on a short business trip with him without kids, and he did not make a single move..I hear future plans being made for retirement that includes me, and that's frightening ...I always wonder how long he thinks I will actually live in a sm, and I've asked him that too..You're doing something about it and I wish you the best moving forward . I know it's difficult !
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Post by wewbwb on May 30, 2016 9:53:02 GMT -5
I wonder as well. Do they really think that we will give up that up?
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Post by bballgirl on May 30, 2016 9:59:15 GMT -5
Of course you are worth that.
I eventually came to the mindset that HOPE is a waste of time. I even wrote about it on EP. Something to the effect of anything I ever accomplished in my life - my degree, losing weight, getting pregnant (you can't imagine how hard that task was with a refuser! And I accomplished it twice), my career, etc. None of it happened because I hoped it would, it happened because I actively went out after what I wanted to accomplish. Something to that effect I wrote about.
I can relate to the lack of intimacy on vacation.
My ex would spend the entire night out in a casino or if we were in a hotel with no casino he'd sit at the desk on his laptop until I fell asleep. He totally waited me out.
As far as those couples in their 50's and 60's the ones that look happy I'm willing to bet that it's a second marriage. Just my jaded view of marriage. Find your happiness and go after what you want for YOUR life don't hope for it anymore.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 30, 2016 10:12:26 GMT -5
I remember ,and will never forget our intimate, rekindle, alone trip together. It was my first post on EP six months ago. After having two hours of sex together in the morning ( it had been 3 1/2 yrs) then a very nice day together, I mentioned that I would like to be intimate in the morning. She said, " I don't know if I will be awake" I informed her, " you will be awake, you will be getting dressed and eating breakfast so we can leave on time." She said the next morning, " you were disrespectful, you said I WILL be ready for you in the morning " . I politely corrected her. That lead to deeper harsher, life changing comments from her. Then on the long trip home she talks small talk, like nothing is wrong..
I no longer like going anywhere with her and the family. We have to look like we are together. She claimed during our therapy that she detached herself two years ago. Long term planning is a subject that gets avoided. The children talk to us separately about it, and sometimes it goes in different directions.
Things could/should be better if we had separate households . Two more years may not be doable.
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Post by cagedadventurer on May 30, 2016 11:22:53 GMT -5
Bballgirl,
I totally agree. Second marriages. My jaded/real view also.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 30, 2016 11:36:35 GMT -5
Sounds like another, " family first, with no room for marriage!"
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Post by DryCreek on May 30, 2016 12:27:36 GMT -5
cagedadventurer, it certainly sounds like she goes out of her way to avoid intimate opportunities. greatcoastal, your wife totally missed the point I read in your comment... That she's capable of waking in time to get ready, have breakfast, etc. - so she's equally capable of being up early enough to add intimacy to the list, if she considered intimacy important. Regardless of when she gets up, it's a question of what she considers important and how she spends the time. DC
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Post by worksforme2 on May 30, 2016 13:35:20 GMT -5
I wonder as well. Do they really think that we will give up that up? Yes |
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Post by worksforme2 on May 30, 2016 13:41:32 GMT -5
As far as those couples in their 50's and 60's the ones that look happy I'm willing to bet that it's a second marriage. Don't bet the rent on it bballgirl. My 1st W liked sex so much she found another guy to have it with when I wasn't around. It was my 2nd W that turned into a refuser. |
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Post by ggold on May 30, 2016 13:54:21 GMT -5
Thursday - Arrived in Destin, Fl for Memorial day weekend. Stayed at a hotel with suites with lockable bedroom as best alternative to renting a condo here. Note that on Wednesday before we left, my refuser completely ignored my invitation for an afternoon bit of sex. I think she made a real light attempt to "let" me make a move on Saturday when she sent the kids down to breakfast by themselves. We were ALONE! - this is VERY RARE and usually avoided. But I was strong and waited for her to make some sort of invitation (just to be sure) which never came. But here we are at Monday morning and as with the past 4 nights, she is sleeping in the second bed with our 8 year old. Each night, I'd hear my avoider wake up to use the bathroom then quietly slip back into the bed with HIM while I lay there alone. As my breathing often gets tighter from the anxiety (sadness), I had to get out and come down for some breakfast and escape the reminder of the SM trap. That trap is HOPE - we hope, we linger (hoping they they will take advantage of the opportunity), we make innuendo, we hope, we take action, we love, we really try until we are spent and somehow we are able to try again. But only to futile ends. What is amazing and confusing still is the uses of the words "we" and "us" as in let "us" buy a place here, etc.!! After all these year of avoidance I still do not get how these conversations referring to a future even happen. It occurs to me that just as someone with a condition, in this case I will refer to it as a an emotional condition, does not even realize that their actions are anything less than normal, therefore, they just cannot see the pain inflicted or the rejection (in our faces or indirect). At the same time, because they can change when confronted it is not easy to excuse the selfishness. Either way, let the chips fall here. I am more convicted then even last week to maintain my packing this week and MOVING! Sad yet exciting to finally get off the 50 yard line to effect change. I always come up with a reason to wait for another day to leave. Always a birthday, a holiday, 15 minutes of sex, something that has kept me here. But yet I am collapsing inside, like a suspended bridge with a cable strand snapping upon every act of avoidance and refusal, I think I have 1-2 strands left after all these years. As was stated the other day, after so many years, we become someone we don't recognize when we step back and actually look. Controlled by our refuser and our vain hope. It is interesting to watch couples in their 50's and 60's here in this paradise. For many you can see the angst in their countenance. For others you see contentment, smiles, holding of hands, attention reciprocated. That's what I would like. I think I'm worth that, I think anyway. Okay, I need to eat - great buffet waiting. Happy Memorial Day all. So sorry for what you are going through. I went away with him about 10 years ago to Vegas. First trip together after our son. We were able to get away by ourselves. Stayed at the beautiful Bellagio. I think we had sex once, maybe. Last summer, we went overnight down to Atlantic City to see a show. No kids. I actually had to sleep with him in the same bed. (We do not share a bed and haven't in years.). It was horrible. As is usual, he slept and snored. I barely slept because I was so uncomfortable and wished I had my own room. No more over nighters with him. I am done. |
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Post by bballgirl on May 30, 2016 14:14:02 GMT -5
As far as those couples in their 50's and 60's the ones that look happy I'm willing to bet that it's a second marriage. Don't bet the rent on it bballgirl. My 1st W liked sex so much she found another guy to have it with when I wasn't around. It was my 2nd W that turned into a refuser. I see your point worksforme, there are always exceptions some married people beyond 20 years of marriage are still in love and intimate but I don't think they publicly display it. Again a lot of it is my jaded state of mind.  |
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Post by misssunnybunny on May 30, 2016 14:39:05 GMT -5
So many wasted opportunities on vacation, either anniversary trips or traveling somewhere. I remember a few times we were away and all I wanted to do was reach out to touch him, invite him to do something--anything--but I stopped myself every time because I knew I would be rejected. I would lie there, wanting intimacy, sex, cuddling, closeness, and he would be sound asleep and oblivious to my desire and pain of not being able to be with him.
Chris2020, best to you as you begin your exit plan.
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Post by ggold on May 30, 2016 16:27:23 GMT -5
So many wasted opportunities on vacation, either anniversary trips or traveling somewhere. I remember a few times we were away and all I wanted to do was reach out to touch him, invite him to do something--anything--but I stopped myself every time because I knew I would be rejected. I would lie there, wanting intimacy, sex, cuddling, closeness, and he would be sound asleep and oblivious to my desire and pain of not being able to be with him. Me too misssunnybunny We went on 3 cruises before we had kids, and took other trips as well. In thinking back, sex was very, VERY limited on these trips. Dear Lord, now that I am really thinking about out, we didn't even have much of it on our honeymoon! (7 day trip to St. Lucia and maybe got busy a couple of times!!) That was a sign, huh? Wasted, wasted romantic, intimate opportunities!!!!!!! |
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