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Post by greatcoastal on May 29, 2016 17:53:01 GMT -5
Is knowing that your next potential partner, is divorced a good thing? Doesn't that bring up the big" why" question? Would you want to hear the other side of that coin?
Hopefully this person has benefited,grown, learned, from their tribulation. But maybe not?
I would like to think that there are plenty of positives to someone who has divorced, ( is society changing on that?)
It would seem better than it was when we were young, single, dating people with little to know experience of marriage.
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Post by baza on May 29, 2016 19:03:00 GMT -5
At my age (well in to "old fart" territory) I would be way more concerned if the "potential partner" had never been married / in a long term relationship than I would be about their present divorce status.
In fact if that were the case, they'd not be on my radar as a "potential partner".
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Like a marriage certificate, a divorce certificate is, at its' essence, a piece of paper.
It isn't indicative of anything in particular.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 29, 2016 19:18:35 GMT -5
At my age (well in to "old fart" territory) I would be way more concerned if the "potential partner" had never been married / in a long term relationship than I would be about their present divorce status. In fact if that were the case, they'd not be on my radar as a "potential partner". - Like a marriage certificate, a divorce certificate is, at its' essence, a piece of paper. It isn't indicative of anything in particular. I am with you there, I don't even expect to have that option. What concerns me is ending up with someone else's past troubles.( we all have them) Looking for a positive. Knowing their are people out there who were not the problem but did the " wright thing" and now deserve better. But not being conned, or played, and being sucked in to someone's trap again. |
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Post by worksforme2 on May 29, 2016 19:41:50 GMT -5
Is knowing that your next potential partner, is divorced a good thing? Doesn't that bring up the big" why" question? Would you want to hear the other side of that coin? Yes and no....When I have a 1st meet with a potential date I ask a lot of questions, but I don't ask why they are divorced. During the normal coarse of conversation to date every woman has brought it up. With a couple I have been forthcoming about my S/M. With others I have said I'm not ready to talk about that at a 1st meet. But all the divorced women have spoken to their divorces. For many it was because of infidelity on the part of their spouse. Of coarse this is a red flag for me as I wonder what role she might have played in his straying. And as the conversation continues I generally am able to learn if it was a one time discretion, a serial affair or that he was a serial cheater. You'd be surprised at what women will tell someone they just met. Thinking about it I believe I would like to hear the other side of it, the guys version. One woman did take some responsibility and say she devoted too much time to her children and didn't think much of what it might be doing to him or the relationship. By the time she realized he was spending way less time with her and that most of the intimacy had gone away he had pretty much disengaged from her and had found someone else. But for most of the women I've met who gave infidelity as a reason it came as quite a shock. But it's definitely important to know as much of the "why" as possible if you suspect that there was a sex issue in the divorce mix. |
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Post by baza on May 29, 2016 19:41:53 GMT -5
You are essentially talking about doing your "due diligence" concerning someone you are considering entering in to a relationship with.
That is a concept I agree with entirely.
There are a couple of key things I would want to know / find out. -
#1 - what are they like at, and what is their preferred method of conflict resolution ?
Are they 'crisis managers' or 'risk assessors' ?
#2 - is their preference for unilateral action, or consultative action ?
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I figure that any relationship IS going to have its' conflicts. I see that as inevitable and healthy. So I want to know how they prefer to handle them.
I've had quite enough experience of 'crisis managers' / 'unilateral actioners' to know that they are not a good fit for me.
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*Edited" to add,
I ain't so great at conflict resolution myself truth be told.
In fact I was rotten at it when I was younger.
It is something I have to work hard on still.
I still have a tendency to just "let things go" when I ought be saying something.
I'm way better at it these days, but it doesn't come naturally to me.
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2016 20:25:10 GMT -5
I can't imagine, at my age, getting involved with a man who had never been married or never been in a serious relationship.
I wouldn't want to talk about it on the first date - maybe not even the first several dates. But I think it would be a mistake to get too deeply involved, without talking about both peoples' past marriages or serious relationships.
Nobody does life perfectly - we have all made mistakes. What I want to hear is that the man has learned from his mistakes.
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Post by tinymouse on May 29, 2016 20:55:23 GMT -5
I know it's selfish if me but at being 33, I wouldn't have wanted to get with someone who was divorced, especially with children. Even though I myself have a child. As i said, I know it's selfish. But I don't want the baggage and my life controlled by someone else such as an ex.
If the guy was divorced, I would eventually want to know why
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Post by greatcoastal on May 30, 2016 5:57:53 GMT -5
I have a sister in law, who was recently divorced. I know her personality, her sisters, her mothers, her upbringing. I get to hear her side of the story only. Knowing the things she says about me, and the rest of her family, I am very skeptical ( he is a narcissist, that is his label). It would be very helpful to hear the other side of those stories. The family backs her all the way, I remain on the fence.
When discussing my own situation, it is very easy to use a label, ( manipulative controller ) I try not to sound like my sister in law. Saying positive things about my wife, family, years of marriage, is the other side of the coin, and my passive aggressive behavior. My strong sense of trying to please others and not myself, and some of those failures.
As I begin to talk with others about divorce and a SM. You begin to notice warning flags, things that would have been overlooked in the past. Instead of this being a burden, hopefully it can be a positive !
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Post by greatcoastal on May 30, 2016 9:08:27 GMT -5
To answer your question greatcoastal "divorced" tells me of a man mature enough to recognise when a marriage doesn't work, My concern for you ladies, ( I am in that reverse roll) is that 70 percent of married women end the marriage. Due to their husband not pulling his weight in the marriage, so the husband is very content, while she does way more than her fair share. Relationships, not married seem to separate fifty/fifty. That means 70 percent of those men out there were dumped for legitimate reasons. Lots of investigating to do! love the graph! |
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Post by bballgirl on May 30, 2016 10:12:33 GMT -5
To answer your question greatcoastal "divorced" tells me of a man mature enough to recognise when a marriage doesn't work, My concern for you ladies, ( I am in that reverse roll) is that 70 percent of married women end the marriage. Due to their husband not pulling his weight in the marriage, so the husband is very content, while she does way more than her fair share. Relationships, not married seem to separate fifty/fifty. That means 70 percent of those men out there were dumped for legitimate reasons. Lots of investigating to do! love the graph! I have thought about that statistic. I'm skeptical and it makes me not want to marry ever again however I'm very jaded right now and if the right man came along I know those feelings would disappear. I agree with JMX - I prefer a divorced man to a man that has never been married. The key is what did they learn. I know I learned that if something is not right then I better speak up. I learned that I'm too easy going and I need to recognize the signs of compatibility or incompatibility. |
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Post by samedeepwater on May 30, 2016 10:28:30 GMT -5
My quick answer would be no, it would not concern me. Besides, I resemble that remark. Well technically the divorce is pending but we'll have a disposition date later this summer. Our separation "anniversary" is coming up June 17th. Anyway, having gone down this road myself, and also living on this forum and EP for the past few years, I've learned there are a million stories in the naked city. In the primordial days of the previous century, women would have been considered damaged goods, and the men would have either been considered suspect, or perhaps daringly attractive, in a Clark Gable kind of way. Men even had it easier in the olden days, apparently.
But no. I judge the person as the individual they are. The day you meet that special someone, is not the same day they fell out of the sky. They had a life before, just as you did. For me, it's what happens on the day we meet and beyond. Doesn't mean I go in eyes wide closed, but what counts more for me is the going forward, not trying to second-guess the past.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 30, 2016 10:38:13 GMT -5
My quick answer would be no, it would not concern me. Besides, I resemble that remark. Well technically the divorce is pending but we'll have a disposition date later this summer. Our separation "anniversary" is coming up June 17th. Anyway, having gone down this road myself, and also living on this forum and EP for the past few years, I've learned there are a million stories in the naked city. In the primordial days of the previous century, women would have been considered damaged goods, and the men would have either been considered suspect, or perhaps daringly attractive, in a Clark Gable kind of way. Men even had it easier in the olden days, apparently. But no. I judge the person as the individual they are. The day you meet that special someone, is not the same day they fell out of the sky. They had a life before, just as you did. For me, it's what happens on the day we meet and beyond. Doesn't mean I go in eyes wide closed, but what counts more for me is the going forward, not trying to second-guess the past. I like that, I like that a lot! That last line though....not trying to second guess the past. A few thoughts, hopefully you agree with. Trust yet verify. learn from your mistakes, and the mistakes of others. Everyone has a right to be a sucker once! We won't get fooled again. |
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Post by DryCreek on May 30, 2016 10:56:11 GMT -5
Like JMX and bballgirl, I'd be concerned at my age if a woman had never married. (Or if she was widowed more than once!) In business, having failed ventures isn't a stain. To the contrary, it means there's been some life experience that simply can't be gained on a smooth-sailing ship. A stronger appreciation for what can go wrong, and how to avoid it. How a person reacts to a divorce is probably a good indicator. If they claim their role in the demise; if they acknowledge where things went wrong, and why they couldn't be fixed; if they realize what attributes are essential for them next time - then, perhaps they've grown from the experience. If, however, they claim no role, play the victim, etc. - then, I'd be very concerned that history is doomed to repeat itself. For some, there may have been a lot of work at salvaging the relationship, leading to a lot of introspection, self-awareness, self-improvement, and empathy. And yet, it may have been "too little, too late" to pull the marriage out of a nosedive; the damage was already done. They may actually be a much better person as a result of the harsh journey. I would, at an appropriate time, press for some very candid conversations about why and how it all unraveled for each of us. Avoiding those same mistakes is the easy part - the challenge is preventing the unknown; building a relationship that will be resilient. I think assertiveness and honest communication are a couple important elements, along with a healthy attitude of introspection. FWIW, DC |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 31, 2016 9:04:41 GMT -5
If, however, they claim no role, play the victim, etc. - then, I'd be very concerned that history is doomed to repeat itself. I would, at an appropriate time, press for some very candid conversations about why and how it all unraveled for each of us. Avoiding those same mistakes is the easy part - the challenge is preventing the unknown; building a relationship that will be resilient. I think assertiveness and honest communication are a couple important elements, along with a healthy attitude of introspection. FWIW, DC What is it like to bring up the relationship of the parents? As we agree that tells a lot about a person. Parents pass away, get divorced, change over time. Harder to varrify. |
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Post by DryCreek on May 31, 2016 9:15:25 GMT -5
What is it like to bring up the relationship of the parents? As we agree that tells a lot about a person. Parents pass away, get divorced, change over time. Harder to varrify. True. Easier done in younger years. Unless you can see it for yourself first-hand, it's hard to get an unbiased story. But there are some telling facts that can still be drawn out. Looking back, personally, there were a shitload of red flags. Cold. Separate bedrooms for over a decade. Bitter divorce. One dysfunctional re-marriage, the other none. Zero hugging in the family. We're much healthier, but it's like we're replaying their history. DC |
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