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Post by lessingham on Nov 30, 2019 6:43:34 GMT -5
My wife kicked me the other day. We were in a store and she was angry at me for not listening. It was a light tap, not a full on kick. I told her never to do it again. Years ago she used to lightly kick and punch me, sometimes in company. Friends would comment. As a child I was physically abused by my mother and had huge issues over female violence for years, I was terrified of angry women. Should I have reacted less strongly or more strongly to the recent kicking? I was internally wildly over reacting but maintained my composure. I have never even mildly tapped her.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 30, 2019 8:57:30 GMT -5
Lessingham: “ Years ago she used to lightly kick and punch me, sometimes in company. Friends would comment. As a child I was physically abused by my mother and had huge issues over female violence for years, I was terrified of angry women. Should I have reacted less strongly or more strongly to the recent kicking?”
Your wife’s behavior — including what she did years ago — was unacceptable. Your saying, “don’t do it again” isn’t enough. Abusers continue to abuse and also escalate. What she recently did was just testing the waters. Years ago, you didn’t react strongly enough by permanently leaving this abusivr, selfish woman. You still can make that choice. How far does she have to go for you to decide that it would be better to be single than with her?
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Post by angeleyes65 on Nov 30, 2019 9:26:29 GMT -5
If she wasn't joking. I sometimes smack my bf lightly jokingly when he makes fun of me. But beyond that I would tell her next time you will kick/ hit her back. Even if she isn't hurting to it's childish and uncalled for. And disrespectful.
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Post by ScottDinTN on Nov 30, 2019 11:15:33 GMT -5
I wouldn't hit her back. There is a BIG double standard right now on abuse. If a man had done to her what she did to you, someone seeing it would have called the cops. But when a man gets hit, its no big thing. A study a few years back showed that out of the hundreds of centers for abuse victims across the U.S., only one of them is for men. Men are expected to be tough and take it. Woman are told to call the police. I think you probably weren't firm enough in your response. If she does it again, you need to let out those words you were keeping in your head.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 30, 2019 12:14:07 GMT -5
Scott said: “ I think you probably weren't firm enough in your response. If she does it again, you need to let out those words you were keeping in your head.”
I agree with you that counter violence is likely to cause legal harm to him. However, words aren’t going to stop the abuse, which his wife has a long history of inflicting. She’ll keep being physically and otherwise abusive until he develops the strength to remove himself from her life.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Nov 30, 2019 12:25:52 GMT -5
Just for the record I was not suggesting he actually hit her but just saying the words I've asked you not to do this next time I'm hitting you back. Might put it in a different light for her. Her immediate thought would be you can't or shouldn't hit me might make her think it through.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 30, 2019 12:58:46 GMT -5
I hear what you are saying, Angeleyes, but I don’t think empty threats work.
It would have been more effective for him to leave the scene. Too bad for her if she had to find a ride home.
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Post by lessingham on Nov 30, 2019 13:15:14 GMT -5
A physical response and indeed a threat of one are total no go's. But walking away is a good response. But here's hoping it is a one off and not a return to the past.
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Post by baza on Nov 30, 2019 18:00:59 GMT -5
You - "told her never to do it again" - Brother lessingham . That would seem an appropriate first time response if this was the first time she had pulled this, or similar, stunts. But I am betting this is NOT the first time she has done this or similar to it. You don't have to cop this shit Brother. And, if you don't want to cop it, then you need to set some boundaries, and have some sort of plan that you are prepared to institute when this - or similar - happens again. Leaving the petulant bitch high and dry at the shopping centre (or wherever it occurs next) seems like a good idea. But be aware that you sticking up for yourself is highly likely to provoke an escalation by the bully, and you need to be prepared for that and to stick to your guns .... wherever and whatever the situation escalates to. If you are not prepared to stick to your guns, then there's not much point in saying anything. All you'll do is shred your cred.
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Post by csl on Nov 30, 2019 22:24:12 GMT -5
If she wasn't joking. I sometimes smack my bf lightly jokingly when he makes fun of me. But beyond that I would tell her next time you will kick/ hit her back. Even if she isn't hurting to it's childish and uncalled for. And disrespectful. Wrong. No hitting back. Just pull out your phone and call the police.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 30, 2019 23:50:13 GMT -5
For her to do that kind of shit to someone who was physically abused as a child makes her actions especially cruel.
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endthegame
Junior Member
Posts: 96
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by endthegame on Dec 1, 2019 13:18:44 GMT -5
Read a lot on the shrinkformen website. Some clarity may be found on this site.
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Post by lessingham on Dec 2, 2019 4:19:03 GMT -5
Semi apology from her last night, apparently the stress of Christmas was getting to her! Since she has done bugger all so far and has so far admitted she does not feel up to doing anything due to her recovery from surgery, I wonder where the stress comes from.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 2, 2019 8:26:16 GMT -5
Abusers apologize then it happens again and again. They will find any excuse. Stress is no excuse for abusing someone.
Continue staying with her and she will continue making excuses for you to do everything while she treats you like shit at her whim. If life goes as it typically does, eventually, you will become disabled or chronically ill and leaving will no longer be a choice. She will either put you in a home as she has said or — if she is too cheap to do that — you will be completely under her control at home and will be neglected, isolated and abused more.
You are no longer a dependent child stuck with abusive parents. You have choices and skills now and can choose to stay or leave. If you decide that living on your own is preferable to remaining with your lazy, unloving, abusive wife, you will leave.
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Post by Apocrypha on Dec 2, 2019 12:01:43 GMT -5
Sounds like we're a bit similar. I also got smacked around quite a bit by my mother as a kid and have a lot of attention around dampening a hypothetical snapping point, where I might lose it.
My ex-wife volunteered prior to marriage, that she'd engaged in some "light physical abuse" of her ex-boyfriend, throwing an ash tray at him and other things. She became involved with a feminist activist theater after that (but not because of it), touring a show to highschools and colleges about "men's violence toward women" (a show in which several of the lesbian feminist actors routinely beat the living snot out of each other - black eyes and bruises - while demonizing "toxic masculinity" on stage).
In the latter years of our marriage, as her drinking problem began to manifest, I noticed she got "handsy" - once claiming to intend a sarcastic clap on my back to "congratulate me" mockingly - which landed much harder than that. This happened a few times. She did a two handed push on me when we were out in public at a nightclub on Valentine's Day. Alcohol was a factor. And she literally kicked me off her in bed when I was snuggling close.
When I confronted her about the smack, she responded by dismissing it as harmless - that she was not able to harm me as I was bigger than her. I sat her down, reviewed my history of what might be borderline abuse, and pointed out some data on domestic abuse that indicates the way these things tend to go down. Initiation of violence tends to be roughly equal at every level of severity between men and women - with a slight edge in lower levels to women initiating violence over men (lesbian women have overwhelmingly the highest rate of domestic violence - far exceeding even hetero couples). When men respond with the same level of intensity in a fight, even if provoked over a long period of time, bones can get broken - and then the man gets arrested.
So in that conversation - I laid it out very clearly - and I admitted that when she hit, kicked, and pushed me - that my initial flash to anger (upon which I did not act) was to hit back, to the best of my ability. I told her that I don't want to be in that situation at all, and if she does it more, I will do whatever is necessary to stop it, including kicking her out of the house to live with her friends, and then she can explain it to them. I painted her as an abusive person, and I asked her what she would do to me (with respect to the children) if our places were switched. That stopped it at home - though she got up in my face, arguing with the umpire style, and I was shocked at how quickly I matched her ferocity (this was very near our end). I'm normally a very cool cucumber in a verbal conflict.
When she drunkenly pushed me in public, it was in front of people and bouncers at the club. People saw. I stepped back three paces, regarded her a moment - and left her there immediately. I went home.
Shit went down after that that I also should have drawn the line on, it was clearly well past my farthest boundary - and I failed to act accordingly. But at least the physical stuff dialed back. At the same time, since then, she mocked me for being "a bit precious" or "delicate" in my hard line on her physical aggression. I don't think she ever "got" that I was trying to protect HER, as well as myself.
Two close friend of mine were in similar situations, for multiple years each - living in constant "light abuse" and sometimes self-harm (ie my wife slammed her own head into a door frame multiple times resulting in the only time I ever put my hands on her to throw her to the bed and literally hold her down, and a friend's wife slammed her own hand in a car door in the middle of a hysterical fight - mood disorders and booze were factors in each - if it seems strange). My one friend ended up being arrested after a year of being smacked around, slapped and punched in the face - he pushed her back once protecting himself and she hit a wall and then called the cops. He went to jail that night.
My other friend, who was married to a person with borderline personality mood disorder. She would hit him, scream like a banshee at him - while also hitting herself (I spoke to them both about this, and witnessed some). He would back off - call the cops, wait for them on the porch. This happened multiple times and he stayed, until finally one day he snapped and pushed her to defend himself. She bounced off the wall and knocked a mirror off of it, which smashed.She called the cops and he went to jail.
If you are a man, and you exist in a domestic conflict situation that is physical, as a habit - you are in a VERY high risk situation. The risk isn't so much that you will be injured by your partner, but rather, that you will eventually defend yourself or respond in kind, and YOU will end up in jail, with very different life prospects. Don't allow that scenario to unfold.
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