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Post by flashjohn on Aug 8, 2019 14:56:55 GMT -5
I have been out of my joke of a marriage since March of 2016. I divorced my ExRefuser, and I am remarried to a wonderful woman.
I have now realized that I was abused in my joke of a marriage for almost the entire 28 years we were together. What is funny is that in 2007, a psychologist told me that I had been abused physically, sexually, verbally and emotionally, and I need to think about why I had allowed it for so long. There were a lot of reasons, but now that I am out, I am a bit peeved at myself for not leaving sooner.
I did not deserve to be treated the way I was. When we were dating, she showed me many clues that she was a selfish bitch, and I ignored them. Probably because my dad was verbally abusive, and we all spent our time trying to pacify him. I guess I was trained to be a doormat. Add to that the fact that my mom told me that I better NEVER treat any woman the way my dad treated her. However, later in life, she really hated to see me treated the way I was.
So for those of you who are being sexually denied, your spouses are NOT good spouses. If they were, they would be trying to fulfill you and not deny you the most basic part of marriage. If there is a physical reason for the celibacy, a good spouse would be doing everything possible to resolve the problem. And if a spouse really loved you, but could not have sex, a loving spouse would want you to fuck someone else.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 8, 2019 15:31:18 GMT -5
flashjohnFirst let me congratulate you!! I’m so happy for you that you have remarried and are enjoying your life again! Second - Don’t be so hard on yourself, hindsight is 20/20 and at the time you thought you were doing the right thing. I believe in Khama so I know for sure all the crap you put up with in the first marriage - the universe will reward you in this marriage tenfold!! Wishing you all the best!
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Post by baza on Aug 8, 2019 19:47:38 GMT -5
The big take I get out of Brother flashjohn 's excellent post is this .... .... whilst you are in an ILIASM shithole it is pretty difficult to see what's really going on. You have a dog in the fight and are emotionally invested in the situation and you - understandably - make emotional choices. And short-term emotional choices do not often turn out to be in your longer term best interests. But, as Brother flashjohn notes, if you can let all the emotion out of the balloon you start to see what's really going on - and - if you take the exit route, you will, with a bit of time, see exactly what went on in your deal. And further, what you learned is likely to be very very helpful in your next relationship (if there is one) |
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Post by elkclan2 on Aug 9, 2019 3:50:31 GMT -5
My mom is a narcissist. My dad is an alcoholic. I really did not know any better. It took me a long time to figure out that relationships weren't like that. My marriage was less shouty and dramatic than my family of origin, so I thought I was trading up. Maybe I was.
We did a lot of pacifying and rug sweeping in my family. And I guess I also learned my place in the cycle of abuse, too. I'm still not sure if I've unlearned that, but finding a partner who isn't abusive was a good step. There is still a lot of abuse in the family dynamic, because we both still have to deal with emotionally abusive exes and their impact on us and more importantly our children. Our kids are learning dysfunctional interpersonal dynamics and yes it has an impact on their behaviour, just like it had an impact on mine. Still learning how to deal with that.
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Post by lessingham on Aug 16, 2019 4:56:26 GMT -5
It is hard to get female domestic violence onto the political debate. When men hurt women they leave physical scars and wounds. The mental damage has physical evidence. When women hurt, they go for the mental first and the scars they leave are tiny. The same with rape, women totally refuse to believe women can rape men and some of the comnents are as bad as male comments from the 50s and 60s
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Post by elkclan2 on Aug 23, 2019 5:36:31 GMT -5
It is hard to get female domestic violence onto the political debate. When men hurt women they leave physical scars and wounds. The mental damage has physical evidence. When women hurt, they go for the mental first and the scars they leave are tiny. The same with rape, women totally refuse to believe women can rape men and some of the comnents are as bad as male comments from the 50s and 60s This isn't always true. Men can also be emotionally abusive. My ex was emotionally, verbally and financially abusive. They can also use threats of violence without leaving a mark. My ex used to hit stuff near me. It was still physically intimidating, but it didn't leave a mark. Abusive people tend to use their best weapons against you. A woman is less likely to use physical violence against a man because it's not her best tool. An abusive person will use the tool that's easiest for them. For all people, that's verbal abuse first. For many men and some women it's physical abuse -it also depends on what's the best tool to use against your victim. When I started playing rugby, my ex's physical threats stopped. I guess I didn't look like such an easy target or at least it was obvious that I could take a beating and still come back. But (and sorry no citation but it is findable) there is good evidence that where abusers have used physical violence they've escalated from verbal or emotional abuse pretty much all the time. And in my book - physical violence is always emotional abuse, too. ETA: It's very hard to get emotional abuse taken seriously. There have been some legislative attempts in some jurisdictions. But the standard of proof is understandably high. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 26, 2019 13:25:21 GMT -5
It is impossible to remove the SM from power dynamics and abuse is certainly about control and power. I think that's why it's important to take sex off the table so you can begin to rebuild some self-esteem so you can see clearly. Now that I'm going on 6-months since any attempt at sex and 2-years out of the bedroom, I'm starting to question other things too....
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Post by Handy on Aug 26, 2019 13:49:58 GMT -5
@tooyoungtobeold
it's important to take sex off the table so you can begin to rebuild some self-esteem so you can see clearly.
Good advice and I startrd doing this a while back.
I knew I had issues to work on, so I focused on myself and my needs more than thinking about where or what my W wanted or did.
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Post by lessingham on Aug 28, 2019 3:36:22 GMT -5
I did not mean to denigrate violence towards women. Any relationship with a violent side is toxic and yes, there is a spectrum of emotional, physical and mental attacks for the abuser to select from. My views were from my side of the fence
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 28, 2019 18:04:32 GMT -5
... If there is a physical reason for the celibacy, a good spouse would be doing everything possible to resolve the problem. And if a spouse really loved you, but could not have sex, a loving spouse would want you to fuck someone else.
A loving spouse does not want to see her partner in agony. One woman I know told her husband to go get his needs met elsewhere because she had lost all interest. Oddly, he never did, but the thought was there. One guy I know has a wife that lost all interest. They are in their seventies, but he is still fit. She has no interest in divorcing him, and is fine with him outsourcing so long as he doesn't embarrass her. There are loving spouses that lose sexual interest. Our spouses probably never loved us. They only wanted to control us. |
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Post by Handy on Aug 28, 2019 21:59:47 GMT -5
ironhamster
One guy I know has a wife that lost all interest. They are in their seventies, but he is still fit. She has no interest in divorcing him, and is fine with him outsourcing so long as he doesn't embarrass her. I only wish!
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 29, 2019 1:24:23 GMT -5
ironhamster
One guy I know has a wife that lost all interest. They are in their seventies, but he is still fit. She has no interest in divorcing him, and is fine with him outsourcing so long as he doesn't embarrass her. I only wish! Well, don't wish for that to happen in your seventies. I hope you can get that squared away right now. |
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Post by frednsa on Aug 29, 2019 12:02:12 GMT -5
It is hard to get female domestic violence onto the political debate. When men hurt women they leave physical scars and wounds. The mental damage has physical evidence. When women hurt, they go for the mental first and the scars they leave are tiny. The same with rape, women totally refuse to believe women can rape men and some of the comnents are as bad as male comments from the 50s and 60s This isn't always true. Men can also be emotionally abusive. My ex was emotionally, verbally and financially abusive. They can also use threats of violence without leaving a mark. My ex used to hit stuff near me. It was still physically intimidating, but it didn't leave a mark. Abusive people tend to use their best weapons against you. A woman is less likely to use physical violence against a man because it's not her best tool. An abusive person will use the tool that's easiest for them. For all people, that's verbal abuse first. For many men and some women it's physical abuse -it also depends on what's the best tool to use against your victim. When I started playing rugby, my ex's physical threats stopped. I guess I didn't look like such an easy target or at least it was obvious that I could take a beating and still come back. But (and sorry no citation but it is findable) there is good evidence that where abusers have used physical violence they've escalated from verbal or emotional abuse pretty much all the time. And in my book - physical violence is always emotional abuse, too. ETA: It's very hard to get emotional abuse taken seriously. There have been some legislative attempts in some jurisdictions. But the standard of proof is understandably high. |
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Post by frednsa on Aug 29, 2019 12:03:06 GMT -5
death of a thousand cuts, i believe. i've a half-century of it - still shaking my head over how i tolerated it (and still do..........)
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Post by saarinista on Aug 30, 2019 0:32:44 GMT -5
ironhamster
One guy I know has a wife that lost all interest. They are in their seventies, but he is still fit. She has no interest in divorcing him, and is fine with him outsourcing so long as he doesn't embarrass her. I only wish! Stop wishing. Start doing. |
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