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Post by sadkat on Jul 1, 2019 20:12:51 GMT -5
You have a good outlook on things greatcoastal. It sounds like you’ve received some solid advice. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. I’m sure you will be facing some difficult moments. I too believe things happen for a reason and everything will work out as it should. It’s just having to get through the tough times that can be a true burden. My thoughts will be with you. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 1, 2019 20:41:19 GMT -5
GC said: “By 8:00 the number grew from 5 to 8 people. Then 12, then 16, and so on.
My girlfriend and I sat outside to watch all the cars starting to arrive. With it came 3 to 4 teens per car with some carrying a case of beer!
My son came up to me twice and said " I'm sorry dad, I don't know any of these people". “
From what you have posted here, it is hard for you to know when and how set boundaries. That’s understandable considering the kind of marriage you are healing from. As you’ve now seen, kids from all over will flock to unsupervised parties and will bring alcohol and other drugs. They learn about such parties through social media. Literally hundreds of teens may show up.
Police could have decided that since you were present, literally seeing underage teens bringing booze into your house, you were an accomplice. You could have been charged. Also, such a setup could have led to alcohol poisoning, rape or accidents caused by drunk driving.
Your son’s coming to you twice and apologizing sounds like a cry for help. He wanted you to shut it down. He didn’t want to look uncool but wanted the party over. Your passivity while watching crowds of teens carrying booze into your home was implied consent to your son that you approved of such gatherings.
I am wondering whether your son, as was true of mine, is also into drugs. That could account for his behavior that was diagnosed as being bipolar. When my son was in jail, a psychiatrist diagnosed him as bipolar. The symptoms disappeared after he was off drugs. I used to work in the addictions field and knew counselors who were recovering addicts/alcoholics and and involved parents who had no idea their beloved kids living with them were addicted or alcoholic.
It might be helpful to attend a group like Al-Anon, which is for anyone whose life is affected by others’ drinking. Find one with parents dealing with their kids’ substance use.
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Post by flashjohn on Jul 2, 2019 12:23:24 GMT -5
She did recommend getting him an attorney. That a public defender would be practically worthless. She had NEVER heard that someone could NOT be allowed their medication. ( I was told this by a bail bond agent) His charges are Breach of peace, bribing an officer, assault on an officer, and resisting arrest. ( I still have no idea what went on that night) My attorney said " these sound like trumped up charges. He was drunk and 18, you can get these dismissed. He's never been charged with anything ever before". She also could not understand why I could not see him. So now my son has 2 different trial dates. 2 different judges. Sounds like some charges could be felonies, but the rest are misdemeanors. If you are not going to bond him out, please get an attorney asap. As for court appointed attorneys, there are some who are good and some who are bad. I take court appointments, but I also have paying clients. The judges here like to appoint me because they know I will do a good job.
I know it is frustrating that your ExRefuser won't pay anything, but that can't be helped. Many attorneys, myself included, will take a down payment and let you make payments. Please realize that the sooner he gets an attorney, the better. It really helps to have an attorney call the prosecutor and talk about the case early on.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 2, 2019 17:46:21 GMT -5
She did recommend getting him an attorney. That a public defender would be practically worthless. She had NEVER heard that someone could NOT be allowed their medication. ( I was told this by a bail bond agent) His charges are Breach of peace, bribing an officer, assault on an officer, and resisting arrest. ( I still have no idea what went on that night) My attorney said " these sound like trumped up charges. He was drunk and 18, you can get these dismissed. He's never been charged with anything ever before". She also could not understand why I could not see him. So now my son has 2 different trial dates. 2 different judges. Sounds like some charges could be felonies, but the rest are misdemeanors. If you are not going to bond him out, please get an attorney asap. As for court appointed attorneys, there are some who are good and some who are bad. I take court appointments, but I also have paying clients. The judges here like to appoint me because they know I will do a good job.
I know it is frustrating that your ExRefuser won't pay anything, but that can't be helped. Many attorneys, myself included, will take a down payment and let you make payments. Please realize that the sooner he gets an attorney, the better. It really helps to have an attorney call the prosecutor and talk about the case early on.
I appreciate your time and wise council! Last night I received a text from my ex. "Dr_____ is trying to reach you about "T" Can you answer his text or call." Why I was not receiving any of his calls or text? Who knows yet? I spoke with this person today. ( I was at work, my time was limited) The Dr's son knows my son for years. They were on the tennis team together. The Dr. has known my son for years. I do not know this Dr. personally. This Dr. has bailed my son out, and other friends of my family have gotten him an attorney. A pleasant surprise. But still a surprise. Things are/will be more complicated about who he stays with and where he stays in the upcoming months. My daughters are afraid of him. That has brought up a whole different issue of my ex NOT obeying and following our parenting plan. It's becoming a day to day process. |
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Post by flashjohn on Jul 3, 2019 14:48:16 GMT -5
I appreciate your time and wise council! Last night I received a text from my ex. "Dr_____ is trying to reach you about "T" Can you answer his text or call." Why I was not receiving any of his calls or text? Who knows yet? I spoke with this person today. ( I was at work, my time was limited) The Dr's son knows my son for years. They were on the tennis team together. The Dr. has known my son for years. I do not know this Dr. personally. This Dr. has bailed my son out, and other friends of my family have gotten him an attorney. A pleasant surprise. But still a surprise. Things are/will be more complicated about who he stays with and where he stays in the upcoming months. My daughters are afraid of him. That has brought up a whole different issue of my ex NOT obeying and following our parenting plan. It's becoming a day to day process. Well, that is certainly a relief! I would talk the Dr and then talk to your son. He has some serious legal issues. As for where he stays, he probably had to tell his bondsman and/or the sheriff's office where he will be living so they can send him notices of court settings. In my opinion, he needs to live at the address he gave.
As to your daughters being afraid of him, that is another issue altogether. I would really try to find out why they are afraid and what is going on. If he has been spending time with sketchy friends, that is pretty scary.
Now here is the hard part: Your son is legally an adult. The decisions he makes now are going to have serious consequences and he needs to be an adult and face them. You cannot, nor should you try to shield him from those consequences. Again, this is just my opinion, but I have had a lot of experience in this area. There is a Bible verse that is very appropriate here, Proverbs 19:19 "A hot-tempered person must pay the penalty; rescue them, and you will have to do it again."
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 4, 2019 18:06:30 GMT -5
If he has been spending time with sketchy friends, that is pretty scary.
Now here is the hard part: Your son is legally an adult. The decisions he makes now are going to have serious consequences and he needs to be an adult and face them. You cannot, nor should you try to shield him from those consequences.
My son's past friendships where good and solid one's. Then came the bi-polar. He went 'off the deep end' with activities, but in a good way! Mega hours of work, working out, sports, dating, etc.. Then he quit everything! Along came these 'sketchy friends' in just a matter of weeks. People who he seemed to have just met. Several of his past friends moved on, ( college, other friends) away from him. Just things that, as a parent ,I could mostly just sit back and observe. As far as him being an adult? Just a few months ago I remember him telling us " I am a man now. I am an adult,I get to make my own decisions, I can do anything I want. It's strange though, I'm not use to it. I'm grown up, I'm not a little boy, I can go wherever I want, I don't have to tell anyone where I am going." I remember, laughing inside and telling him " ugh-hugh". " That's true, but you will also be held accountable, and there are some things that you still can't legally do, not until your 21 yrs old". I told him " you will feel more like a man, the day you are living on your own and paying all your own bills, while having to show up for work on time everyday" Meanwhile he had lost his job, his girl, his friends, and was relying on me for cash, for gas, food, haircuts, etc... I remember our child psychologist telling me " kids are no longer moving out. Today's 18 has become 22". |
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Post by flashjohn on Jul 5, 2019 10:22:42 GMT -5
As far as him being an adult? Just a few months ago I remember him telling us " I am a man now. I am an adult,I get to make my own decisions, I can do anything I want. It's strange though, I'm not use to it. I'm grown up, I'm not a little boy, I can go wherever I want, I don't have to tell anyone where I am going." I remember, laughing inside and telling him " ugh-hugh". " That's true, but you will also be held accountable, and there are some things that you still can't legally do, not until your 21 yrs old". I told him " you will feel more like a man, the day you are living on your own and paying all your own bills, while having to show up for work on time everyday" Meanwhile he had lost his job, his girl, his friends, and was relying on me for cash, for gas, food, haircuts, etc... I remember our child psychologist telling me " kids are no longer moving out. Today's 18 has become 22". Yes, I know what you mean about him saying he is an adult. The sad part is that when an adult makes stupid decision, that adult gets to deal with the consequences.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 13, 2019 15:56:48 GMT -5
GC, how are things going with you? Having had a son who got into legal trouble I have lots of empathy for you. Please make sure you get the emotional support you need to stay healthy and balanced. Take care of yourself. Your life, not just your son’s, is important.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 14, 2019 11:10:18 GMT -5
GC, how are things going with you? Having had a son who got into legal trouble I have lots of empathy for you. Please make sure you get the emotional support you need to stay healthy and balanced. Take care of yourself. Your life, not just your son’s, is important. Thank you for the follow up! I am doing ....okay. The new job, the house, very close to getting a good tenant for my rental, and ABOVE ALL my woman!! ( girlfriend). My son received some good counsel from other friends parents. His court date has been postponed, he has an attorney, hopefully all his charges will be dropped. ( most agree it sounds like trumped up charges, and YES he was drunk and guilty of being underaged, at a bar,and assault to an officer. Again, his first ever offense ever of this nature. Or any actions of this kind to anyone. His first time being drunk too) My ex is looking to get him into a residential living facility. He continues to live with me, for now. Following the boundaries set for him. Now comes the drama!! My ex continues to be her manipulative controlling self, using this entire episode with my one son to turn my daughters away from me. I really, really wish there was SOME other HONEST explanation!! I try to be a very transparent person. My attorney, along with other council from friends have concluded that the only way to fight this against my narcissistic ex is taking her back to court. If I do not she continues to get away with breaking our court ordered family plan. Once again it comes down to money and control. Every bit of our communication is on line, so it's all documented. This forms a strong legal case for me. It's really sad that my sons and daughters end up "taking the bait-- fear, gifts, money, etc.." and turning against their dad. Life goes on, and there are days when the joy and lack of stress are far better without them. Just being honest. My prayer is that with time they will understand what went on, and can learn from it. Meanwhile, my days can be easy and I so cherish being desired, wanted and openly loved, accepted and appreciated, by someone whom I can be my true self with. Someone who also submits and can be her true self with me in return! I did not expect to be the one who has to say, " my tank is empty, save me for tonight". I was fortunate to find a woman who can orgasm in seconds, last for hours, and loves all of it!! I am thrilled to please her all day! ( as long as I get other things taken care of) |
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Post by baza on Jul 14, 2019 21:12:28 GMT -5
But for the fact that you chose to get out, you "could" be dealing with your ex missus' bullshit, and the issue(s) with your kids, AND still have been in your ILIASM shithole AS WELL. That's not to minimise or trivialise the problems you are currently dealing with Brother greatcoastal .... they are serious enough. Yet, this set of problems you are dealing with certainly seem to be a way 'better' set of problems than you had in your ILIASM deal. And it looks like you are making a pretty good fist of dealing with them. |
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okiedude
Junior Member
Learning to live with my Situation.
Posts: 87
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by okiedude on Jul 15, 2019 19:16:57 GMT -5
GC, how are things going with you? Having had a son who got into legal trouble I have lots of empathy for you. Please make sure you get the emotional support you need to stay healthy and balanced. Take care of yourself. Your life, not just your son’s, is important. Thank you for the follow up! I am doing ....okay. The new job, the house, very close to getting a good tenant for my rental, and ABOVE ALL my woman!! ( girlfriend). My son received some good counsel from other friends parents. His court date has been postponed, he has an attorney, hopefully all his charges will be dropped. ( most agree it sounds like trumped up charges, and YES he was drunk and guilty of being underaged, at a bar,and assault to an officer. Again, his first ever offense ever of this nature. Or any actions of this kind to anyone. His first time being drunk too) My ex is looking to get him into a residential living facility. He continues to live with me, for now. Following the boundaries set for him. Now comes the drama!! My ex continues to be her manipulative controlling self, using this entire episode with my one son to turn my daughters away from me. I really, really wish there was SOME other HONEST explanation!! I try to be a very transparent person. My attorney, along with other council from friends have concluded that the only way to fight this against my narcissistic ex is taking her back to court. If I do not she continues to get away with breaking our court ordered family plan. Once again it comes down to money and control. Every bit of our communication is on line, so it's all documented. This forms a strong legal case for me. It's really sad that my sons and daughters end up "taking the bait-- fear, gifts, money, etc.." and turning against their dad. Life goes on, and there are days when the joy and lack of stress are far better without them. Just being honest. My prayer is that with time they will understand what went on, and can learn from it. Meanwhile, my days can be easy and I so cherish being desired, wanted and openly loved, accepted and appreciated, by someone whom I can be my true self with. Someone who also submits and can be her true self with me in return! I did not expect to be the one who has to say, " my tank is empty, save me for tonight". I was fortunate to find a woman who can orgasm in seconds, last for hours, and loves all of it!! I am thrilled to please her all day! ( as long as I get other things taken care of) I received a box of crap from my mom a few years ago and it had the court papers from my dad suing my mom because she broke the parenting plan. She wanted to move us 2000 miles away..... She lost and had to pay the attorney fees... I am not an attorney but don't be too scared of the system. If you can show how you are doing everything you can there is a good chance that she could foot the bill for the breach..... |
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okiedude
Junior Member
Learning to live with my Situation.
Posts: 87
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by okiedude on Jul 15, 2019 19:17:54 GMT -5
Oh and if any kids show up at your house with liquor again... Call the law....
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Post by 2019change on Jul 25, 2019 12:24:31 GMT -5
It's natural you initially saw a positive that your son now has friends and that is what parent's want but I think these may just be users not friends who wanted a place to party. I bet these kids don't throw these parties at their own parents homes. And you may want to point out throughout these legal troubles, where are these so called friends now? I presume they have all disappeared.
My daughter threw a party a few years ago when she was 17, there were things stolen and breakages. We told her she had to get a part time job and pay us back or she can go around all her friends who were at the party and ask them to chip in and pay a bit. She ended up getting a job and these friend quickly dropped off the scene. Of course there were many tears after that how her friends deserted her and how they weren't really friends but it was a valuable life lesson.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 25, 2019 12:57:16 GMT -5
The 4 to 5 kids who first 'initiated' the party, have vanished. Instead he has 3 friends who were not at the party, and leave the house before 11;00p. He is also home ,now, before 11;00pm. Part of my setting boundaries, and enforcing them.
Fortunately there was nothing stolen or damaged.
My son has started a full time job 3 days ago! This will be a big help to him when he goes in front of a judge.
Sadly, my manipulative ex used our son to scare our daughters into staying with her. Violating our parenting plan.
I was not going to just entirely abandon our son? The bipolar is a hard factor to decide what to do, in such situations.
I will be taking my ex back to court. My divorce ,changed my approach to being manipulated. It will take time ,but I will no longer let her continue to give my children a horrible example.
Sadly,Some of the damage is irreversible.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 27, 2019 15:39:43 GMT -5
An update on my son "T".
"T" had his day in front of a judge today. His legal council was with the public defender. (a good one).
His charges were dropped. His record will, eventually, be expunged. He will be performing 50 hrs of community service, and 8 hrs of anger management class.
He came home with a smile of relief on his face!
His bipolar is still the major issue. His meds have been changed 4 times since this all began. Each 'change' is given weeks/months to take effect. He sleeps all day, and all night. He gets up around 3:30am to raid the fridge, and go back to sleep. Same routine every day. ( I know he's been eating by the dishes left in the sink)
He was laid off from his job, and has done little to nothing to find work. ( I've been okay with that, for now) Meanwhile I am left in the quandary of not knowing how much of this is due to his medications? laziness? Selfish, manipulation? Depression? Not taking his meds? The wrong medication? Bad diagnosis by the doctor?
Just knowing if he is taking his meds may need the intervention of sending him to a 'residential Living Facility'. This will greatly involve his mother ( my ex) due to her insurance, and her money. His mother has basically dropped all communication with him, moved to another part of town without notifying "T" or myself.
"Well gee, greatcoastal I'm sorry you are going through this. What do you plan to do about it" said greatcoastal to himself!
Much revolves around finances (money) again. I am getting better at increasing my revenue, paying off debts, gathering information,and wanting to rehire my divorce attorney at the beginning of 2020.
I do hear of 'issues' that still go on with my family ( raising 6 kids), and now reflect on the fact that I gave all of my family an open invitation to continue to stay connected. They chose to end all of it. Missing them, wanting to be involved with them manages to enter my mind, daily. Meanwhile the thought of 'not having to deal with it all' is also something to consider as my own life presses forward!
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