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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jan 28, 2019 15:56:29 GMT -5
Of feeling like you pushed your spouse toward their behavior?
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Post by Handy on Jan 28, 2019 16:11:22 GMT -5
Mypaintbrushes, why do you feel you pushed your H into the refuser?
I know or think that some of my sexually conservative upbringing contributed to my W gradually going off sex. I was also sexually uninformed and so was she to a point.
I think in most cases, each spouse contributes to the downhill slide of sex and intimacy. Kids are also a big factor as are work, finances, and over all stressors.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jan 28, 2019 16:15:57 GMT -5
Of feeling like you pushed your spouse toward their behavior? A) I realize: I didn’t- it was HIS issues, not mine, and B) I focus on myself instead of focusing on him. With a different person other than your H, whatever you did or didn’t do within your marriage would have a different outcome. Your H and his issues and the way he approaches things are the variable. So that’s not on you, that’s on him. This is just another level of “why chasing”. And it’s fruitless. |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jan 28, 2019 16:45:17 GMT -5
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Post by choosinghappy on Jan 28, 2019 18:03:57 GMT -5
Did you read the responses to his post? They basically stated that he had some shit to work on too. Did he work on any of it? Did he relay these issues that he had with you and your personality/actions to you? And if so, did you truly hear him and really try to work on them? It takes two to make a marriage work. I disagree that you drove him to anything. Maybe you had some issues but he had his too. And your issues combined didn’t work. My suggestion is to try not to blame either yourself OR him. It was both of you. Together, you didn’t work. |
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Post by shamwow on Jan 28, 2019 18:05:46 GMT -5
Sounds like you guys are oil and water as far as a marriage goes and have been for quite some time. One does not blame or take blame for oil and water not staying mixed. It is their nature. It sounds like you both had this figured out quite some time ago but lacked the courage to act on it (staying for the kids?) Staying for the kids kids is a noble aspiration but likely it is best the oil and water separate and show them the best of their individual natures rather than persisting in mixing what cannot be. No ledge here. I'd say your question is moot. |
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Post by sadkat on Jan 28, 2019 18:13:37 GMT -5
mypaintbrushes- I had the same thoughts as choosinghappy. The additional item I would add is that it no longer matters who’s “fault” it is. You’re at a crossroad now- how will you move forward? Can you and your h work together to meet each other’s needs or are you just too different?
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 28, 2019 18:41:12 GMT -5
Simply put mypaintbrushes, I didn't push her toward anything. My X sees herself as an Alpha woman, so she won't be pushed or coerced into anything. I did quite the opposite I think. I twisted myself into a pretzel trying to find the magic formula to rekindle the romance and intimacy in our marriage. I'm not saying I am anywhere near perfect, who is? But the decision to be sexless was all hers. She wouldn't see a doctor about hormone therapy(cancer concerns). And with the drop off in her hormones following menopause she simply had no interest. She asked me several times why I couldn't be like some of the other males who were married to her sorority sisters and were content to let the sex go.
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Post by baza on Jan 28, 2019 19:17:41 GMT -5
The time comes where it doesn't matter who was the refuser/refused. Nor does it matter who was right/wrong. Who was innocent/guilty counts for nothing either. Who was to blame or was blameless is no longer particularly relevant. I think Sister mypaintbrushes , that in a split up scenario, time is now your friend. Everyone involved will 'get over it' (or at least get over it as much as they are ever going to) and realise that *it was what is was* and move on. But that will take time. At the moment, emotions will be running high. Go easy on yourself as much as you can. |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jan 28, 2019 19:39:42 GMT -5
Did you read the responses to his post? They basically stated that he had some shit to work on too. Did he work on any of it? Did he relay these issues that he had with you and your personality/actions to you? And if so, did you truly hear him and really try to work on them? It takes two to make a marriage work. I disagree that you drove him to anything. Maybe you had some issues but he had his too. And your issues combined didn’t work. My suggestion is to try not to blame either yourself OR him. It was both of you. Together, you didn’t work. He didn’t tell me any of this stuff. I got suspicious and did a google search for his email address and found this on my own. He was also emailing his estranged sister about us during this time and, based on what he said, she was urging him to leave me. This was also around the time he stopped paying on the HELOC, which eventually got charged off. We did 19 months of counseling and only “resolved” his concerns about driving my dad’s truck he inherited - when I came home from work one day and there was a new car in the driveway. I still ask him what exactly I did that was so awful. He claims he was just an ass during the first few years of marriage and got angry when I didn’t warm up to him after he began trying to change after our last separation. |
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Post by workingonit on Jan 28, 2019 19:40:34 GMT -5
My dear, I read that as bullshit. He even admits, while listing your faults, that he witheld sex and affection to get you to behave in a certain way. FULL STOP. That type of power play just shows he never had the joy and connection and ease of communication through sex that you have needed. He is using his "maturity" as a mask for controlling behavior and avoiding his own lack of true intimacy. Sounds like he lacks basic respect for you as well.
Did you play a part? Yes. I believe we all do which may make me am outlier on this forum. It takes 2 to tango and 2 to fuck it up. None of us are pure victims even if we are sexually refused. We are ALL victims, but we played our part too in creating the shit storm most of our marriages are/ were. That does not mean we suffer! That means we take responsibility and make choices.
You are choosing to get out. Good! He sounds from his own words like a controlling asshole (seems others on that site agree). You should take stock of where you are at, who you are,what you want in this moment of transition. Do you have trouble with responsibility? Maybe. IDK. You can explore that. You GET TO CHOOSE what is next for you.
Let go of the guilt. Own your part. Do a post mortem. And move on.
From his description of you you are fun, spontaneous, not caught up in conventions, and beautiful and passionate. You have the world open to you. Dream big!
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Post by workingonit on Jan 30, 2019 19:48:25 GMT -5
Ok mypaintbrushes I was thinking about what your h wrote while I was doing dishes today. Your h admitted to withholding intimacy and affection to try to direct your behavior to what he wanted to see. What would you or a psychologist or ANYONE think if a parent said that he/she did not give hugs and affection or love to their child unless the child did XYZ behavior. Can you imagine??? The horror! You give love and affection to a child not just because it is good for the child but because YOU LOVE THE CHILD!!! It would literally have been impossible for me to not hug and kiss on my children (when they were young enough to not mind!) because it was just a natural expression of how I felt for them. It was never a conscious choice. I am still overcome with love for them at times that I NEED to hug them and hold them (they are 15 and 17 and both bigger than me!). Just because we are adults does not mean we do not need affection and love. God. What I really want- whatever on frequency, on position, on blah blah blah- I want and need someone that WANTS AND NEEDS TO TOUCH ME. Not because they are meeting MY needs. Not because they are checking the box of "good partner." And FOR SURE not because I have earned it with my good behavior!! But because it is his NEED to touch me and a natural extension of the feelings for me that he also expresses in other ways. And touching him would likewise be a natural need for me. Is that so foreign and rare in the world that you or I should feel guilty for asking for that? I want it to be impossible for my partner to go a whole day without touching me. Of guilty for leaving a situation where these natural expressions of love and connection need to be earned through good behavior? Fuck that, sister. For real. |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jan 30, 2019 19:50:18 GMT -5
Ok mypaintbrushes I was thinking about what your h wrote while I was doing dishes today. Your h admitted to withholding intimacy and affection to try to direct your behavior to what he wanted to see. What would you or a psychologist or ANYONE think if a parent said that he/she did not give hugs and affection or love to their child unless the child did XYZ behavior. Can you imagine??? The horror! You give love and affection to a child not just because it is good for the child but because YOU LOVE THE CHILD!!! It would literally have been impossible for me to not hug and kiss on my children (when they were young enough to not mind!) because it was just a natural expression of how I felt for them. It was never a conscious choice. I am still overcome with love for them at times that I NEED to hug them and hold them (they are 15 and 17 and both bigger than me!). Just because we are adults does not mean we do not need affection and love. God. What I really want- whatever on frequency, on position, on blah blah blah- I want and need someone that WANTS AND NEEDS TO TOUCH ME. Not because they are meeting MY needs. Not because they are checking the box of "good partner." And FOR SURE not because I have earned it with my good behavior!! But because it is his NEED to touch me and a natural extension of the feelings for me that he also expresses in other ways. And touching him would likewise be a natural need for me. Is that so foreign and rare in the world that you or I should feel guilty for asking for that? I want it to be impossible for my partner to go a whole day without touching me. Of guilty for leaving a situation where these natural expressions of love and connection need to be earned through good behavior? Fuck that, sister. For real. I needed to read that today. Thank you! |
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Post by choosinghappy on Jan 30, 2019 20:49:09 GMT -5
Ok mypaintbrushes I was thinking about what your h wrote while I was doing dishes today. Your h admitted to withholding intimacy and affection to try to direct your behavior to what he wanted to see. What would you or a psychologist or ANYONE think if a parent said that he/she did not give hugs and affection or love to their child unless the child did XYZ behavior. Can you imagine??? The horror! You give love and affection to a child not just because it is good for the child but because YOU LOVE THE CHILD!!! It would literally have been impossible for me to not hug and kiss on my children (when they were young enough to not mind!) because it was just a natural expression of how I felt for them. It was never a conscious choice. I am still overcome with love for them at times that I NEED to hug them and hold them (they are 15 and 17 and both bigger than me!). Just because we are adults does not mean we do not need affection and love. God. What I really want- whatever on frequency, on position, on blah blah blah- I want and need someone that WANTS AND NEEDS TO TOUCH ME. Not because they are meeting MY needs. Not because they are checking the box of "good partner." And FOR SURE not because I have earned it with my good behavior!! But because it is his NEED to touch me and a natural extension of the feelings for me that he also expresses in other ways. And touching him would likewise be a natural need for me. Is that so foreign and rare in the world that you or I should feel guilty for asking for that? I want it to be impossible for my partner to go a whole day without touching me. Of guilty for leaving a situation where these natural expressions of love and connection need to be earned through good behavior? Fuck that, sister. For real. You are SO right, Jen. And for those of us who receive love best through touch, this is even MORE imperative! |
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Post by flashjohn on Feb 1, 2019 11:05:07 GMT -5
It sounds like you were both very unhappy and you are better off divorced. As for guilt, it is a useless emotion at this point. Your Ex admits that you are a very attractive woman, but he still doesn't want to fuck you. I will never understand that.
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