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Post by flashjohn on May 2, 2019 12:19:35 GMT -5
I cannot find the courage to leave or stay. I cannot find the....... Ability to remain in a sexless marriage, it hurts. But most of the women in my life brutalised me to the point where getting emotional pain from my wife is a norm. I have spent years trying to get out from under that rock. So I tilt a little one way to leave , then another tilt to stay and never past the tipping point. Therapy is great at clarifying choices and building esteem but the choice, the action is only mine, nobody can make that for me. Insanity is repeating the same actions but in every human heart there is a spark of hope that whispers, "this time". To be flippant, every sprinter that hunkers down to race Ussain Bolt hopes against hope that the great man forgot to tie his laces, or ate bad prawns the night before. Maybe this time, against all experience, my wife will change is my hope. My friend, hoping for change is like being underwater hoping that someday you will be able to breathe. The only way to live is to get to the surface. I know it is hard, I was also trained to be nice and accommodating to women because they will "always" respond well to that. My mom taught me that, but she was wrong. I spent 28 years in misery hoping my ExRefuser would change, and she never did. I had been abused and neglected so long that it felt normal to me. But when my kids were grown, and she told me after 6 years of celibacy that I had to be happy and fulfilled in a celibate marriage, I finally woke up.
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Post by lessingham on May 3, 2019 8:57:46 GMT -5
Maybe I am not ready for this site. I have no exit plan, I still hope and I cannot overcome my reticence. I'll thank you all for you conversations and will come back whan I am more prepared.
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Post by tamara68 on May 3, 2019 9:08:34 GMT -5
Maybe I am not ready for this site. I have no exit plan, I still hope and I cannot overcome my reticence. I'll thank you all for you conversations and will come back whan I am more prepared. You don't have to leave this site. You are in the painful time of doubt. Do therapy and read here as long as you need to be able to choose for either staying or leaving.
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Post by workingonit on May 3, 2019 9:19:35 GMT -5
Maybe I am not ready for this site. I have no exit plan, I still hope and I cannot overcome my reticence. I'll thank you all for you conversations and will come back whan I am more prepared. Plenty of people here stay. Like, decide to stay even though they are miserable. If you are looking for solutions you will certainly get the "leave" advice as a solution. But you can always ignore that or continue to discuss why that does not work for you. Take what you need, ask for what you want, ignore what you do not.
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Post by northstarmom on May 3, 2019 9:40:53 GMT -5
“Maybe I am not ready for this site. I have no exit plan, I still hope and I cannot overcome my reticence. I'll thank you all for you conversations and will come back whan I am more prepared.”
It seems that you are by default choosing to stay since you reject all suggestions about how to leave. The Choosing to Stay forum here is where you could vent about your unhappiness over repeatedly being rejected. Folks there will not respond with info about how to leave and open your life to a better chance of having the kind of love you say you desire. You may even learn there to be content despite being sexless.
BTW, the majority of folks in iliasm choose to stay with their refusers.
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Post by angeleyes65 on May 3, 2019 9:42:19 GMT -5
Maybe I am not ready for this site. I have no exit plan, I still hope and I cannot overcome my reticence. I'll thank you all for you conversations and will come back whan I am more prepared. There is a while section called choosing to stay. Nobody is judging. I feel like more people stay than leave. I myself was on the EP version years ago. Had a exit when I found the site. My exit plan took literally 9 years and was really no action until 6 months before I moved out. The rest was just mental checklist to keep me going. Paying down bills. Making him do more for himself. Doing fun things without him for me. To me feeling like I wasn't alone was invaluable to me.
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Post by flashjohn on May 3, 2019 13:50:09 GMT -5
Maybe I am not ready for this site. I have no exit plan, I still hope and I cannot overcome my reticence. I'll thank you all for you conversations and will come back whan I am more prepared. My friend, choosing to stay is a valid choice. Please realize we have been where you are. Some of us left, and some of us stayed. Either way, you are welcome here.
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firefollower
Full Member
Only you can prevent forest fires
Posts: 154
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by firefollower on May 3, 2019 14:17:42 GMT -5
Maybe I am not ready for this site. I have no exit plan, I still hope and I cannot overcome my reticence. I'll thank you all for you conversations and will come back whan I am more prepared. Yes, I am like you. I have no exit plan yet either. I find comfort here among this group...they clarify my feelings and offer insights that I had not thought of. You take what you can...I don't get the impression this sight is for people that have made of their minds...each of our situations are unique.
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Post by h on May 3, 2019 14:46:56 GMT -5
Maybe I am not ready for this site. I have no exit plan, I still hope and I cannot overcome my reticence. I'll thank you all for you conversations and will come back whan I am more prepared. Yes, I am like you. I have no exit plan yet either. I find comfort here among this group...they clarify my feelings and offer insights that I had not thought of. You take what you can...I don't get the impression this sight is for people that have made of their minds...each of our situations are unique. Same boat here. I'm nowhere near an actual exit plan. I don't even have an exit outline. I have vague exit bullet points with a somewhat manageable first step. If I had my shit in order I wouldn't be spending nearly as much time on here.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2019 18:27:41 GMT -5
Maybe I am not ready for this site. I have no exit plan, I still hope and I cannot overcome my reticence. I'll thank you all for you conversations and will come back whan I am more prepared. Many of us have been in your current head space. I left the forum, deleted my profile completely. I needed the space to absorb information and to seriously think about it. I thought about it. Decided to stay in the SM. Came back to the forum. It's weird but it works for me.
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Post by baza on May 3, 2019 20:47:46 GMT -5
Brother lessingham . Just about everyone whoever joins this group is "staying". And that's a perfectly valid choice. That might be a fully informed choice having carefully weighed up the options, or a choice just based on social truisms and not fully reasoned through. Either way, it IS a choice and the consequences of it are yours. And, as far as is known, most people continue to choose to stay, and that's a perfectly valid choice as well. A few, not a lot, and after a whole heap of painful difficult work, choose to leave - but they are not under discussion in this thread. If you now choose to step back from the group because it is not helping you, that's a perfectly valid choice as well. Just as it will be if you come back after a hiatus, or if you never do come back. Thanks for your contributions to the group and the threads. I hope it is not the last we hear from you Brother.
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Post by warmways on May 4, 2019 17:21:37 GMT -5
It’s completely understandable.. it’s painful to be in a sexless marriage with no easy answers and important to take breaks from the forum and do what you need to replenish yourself. It can be overwhelming when you just want out but getting there seems daunting. Staying or leaving, you’re learning about yourself and what makes you happy so either way, it’s worthwhile.
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