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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2018 14:54:04 GMT -5
Does anyone think it's possible for a typically very high sex drive person to just stop caring if she gets it anymore? I'm starting to notice I don't think about or ever crave sex as much as I used to. Can't help but think I'm shutting down a bit because, I guess, why bother? Wanting it is only going to be an unmet desire. So, shut down, go numb, and stop thinking about it. Can your drive just lessen or go away? I don't even break out my toy near as much as I used to either. Seems so strange to me. Thoughts?
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Post by Handy on Dec 9, 2018 18:34:38 GMT -5
Why
Wanting it is only going to be an unmet desire.That is the kernel of the problem, desire and not achieving equals frustration for me, so sometimes it is less frustrating to not desire sex-intimacy- physical and emotional connections and do something else to avoid feeling let down.
That was therapy session 10 for me a long time ago.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Dec 9, 2018 18:41:45 GMT -5
I became very good at shutting down and not caring about sex at all. It is a "skill" I wish I didn't have, as I feel that it is the one that is the most difficult to overcome. I've been out for a few years, and I am still able to shut down all desire for sex, and walk around numb. Since I left my SM, I have had a couple opportunities for intimacy and found all my parts still work, but those opportunities have not lasted long and I am back to being numb to stay sane as I navigate the dating world.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2018 20:39:32 GMT -5
Oh, wait!!! I know this one!
Love/sex/affection are a part of an otherwise big muscle. When the muscle isn't exercised, it shrinks. If left idle too long, the idle muscle withers and dies.
It's up to us to decide which parts/muscles we want to preserve.
I chose unwisely.
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Post by sadkat on Dec 9, 2018 21:24:43 GMT -5
I like to think if it as putting it all away in a little box and forcing it into the back of my mind. It’s sometimes the only way I can survive the sheer frustration of being sexless. It’s still there, though, just waiting for an opportunity to be unleashed!
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Post by baza on Dec 9, 2018 22:48:20 GMT -5
Does anyone think it's possible for a typically very high sex drive person to just stop caring if she gets it anymore? I'm starting to notice I don't think about or ever crave sex as much as I used to. Can't help but think I'm shutting down a bit because, I guess, why bother? Wanting it is only going to be an unmet desire. So, shut down, go numb, and stop thinking about it. Can your drive just lessen or go away? I don't even break out my toy near as much as I used to either. Seems so strange to me. Thoughts? Anything is *possible*. The question then becomes - "how likely is it ?" IMHO, it is highly unlikely that a "typically very high sex drive person to just stop caring if she gets it anymore". It seems IMHO that rather, the repression of ones "natural" level is far more likely to manifest itself in frustration and resentment. I also think that should you find yourself in future in an environment conducive to a robust sexual life that your "normal" levels will return with a vengeance. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2018 5:53:57 GMT -5
Oh, wait!!! I know this one! Love/sex/affection are a part of an otherwise big muscle. When the muscle isn't exercised, it shrinks. If left idle too long, the idle muscle withers and dies. It's up to us to decide which parts/muscles we want to preserve. I chose unwisely. May I ask what you feel was your "unwisely choice"? |
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Post by csl on Dec 10, 2018 9:15:31 GMT -5
Oh, wait!!! I know this one! Love/sex/affection are a part of an otherwise big muscle. When the muscle isn't exercised, it shrinks. If left idle too long, the idle muscle withers and dies. It's up to us to decide which parts/muscles we want to preserve. I chose unwisely. Oh, I know this one! - "He chose unwisely", the Third Knight, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade |
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Post by h on Dec 10, 2018 10:55:46 GMT -5
I think it's more about holding realistic expectations. I am not nearly as frustrated over my W neglecting my needs now because I no longer expect anything from her. I have absolutely no expectation that she will meet any of my needs anymore. As a result, I'm not disappointed.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2018 21:48:11 GMT -5
Oh, wait!!! I know this one! Love/sex/affection are a part of an otherwise big muscle. When the muscle isn't exercised, it shrinks. If left idle too long, the idle muscle withers and dies. It's up to us to decide which parts/muscles we want to preserve. I chose unwisely. May I ask what you feel was your "unwisely choice"? Choices (not choice), I suppose. I chose to take her back after separation #1. Then I chose to return after separation #2. Then there were all of the other dumb choices before, in between and after that contributed to an ongoing process of withering. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2018 6:05:47 GMT -5
May I ask what you feel was your "unwisely choice"? Choices (not choice), I suppose. I chose to take her back after separation #1. Then I chose to return after separation #2. Then there were all of the other dumb choices before, in between and after that contributed to an ongoing process of withering. How ironic .... I tore up the 1st set of separation papers 3+ years ago after they were signed and he was packed and ready to move out b/c in his last minute desperation he said he would quit drinking (an issue I thought contributed to our SM, which he did for over a year .... but is now slowly picking back up). Then I tore up the 2nd set of signed papers about 2 years ago after another blow up and more desperate promises from him. The 3rd near split was a full on, screaming, crying laying it all on the table fit after ignoring him (literally not speaking to him per instructions from my therapist) for nearly a week, where I emphatically stated I would NOT live in a sexless marriage. NO! This is not acceptable to me and I wont do it! As always, he appeared to hear, appeared to understand, appeared to be willing to change. Some things are better, truly, but we are back to anywhere from maybe twice a month (on a good month) to more usually once every 2 months. The drinking is resurfacing and the porn watching has never ended. Yet I continue to choose to compromise and bend and overlook and be patient and hope ... always hoping. I saw this early on in our relationship and chose unwisely then. Saw red flags, but chose unwisely and decided to focus on all the good qualities I saw in him. Here I am, 7 years later, still choosing unwisely. Something will give, permanently, before too much longer I suppose. I did mean what I said to him. I will not live like this forever. |
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Post by choosinghappy on Dec 11, 2018 7:01:13 GMT -5
Choices (not choice), I suppose. I chose to take her back after separation #1. Then I chose to return after separation #2. Then there were all of the other dumb choices before, in between and after that contributed to an ongoing process of withering. How ironic .... I tore up the 1st set of separation papers 3+ years ago after they were signed and he was packed and ready to move out b/c in his last minute desperation he said he would quit drinking (an issue I thought contributed to our SM, which he did for over a year .... but is now slowly picking back up). Then I tore up the 2nd set of signed papers about 2 years ago after another blow up and more desperate promises from him. The 3rd near split was a full on, screaming, crying laying it all on the table fit after ignoring him (literally not speaking to him per instructions from my therapist) for nearly a week, where I emphatically stated I would NOT live in a sexless marriage. NO! This is not acceptable to me and I wont do it! As always, he appeared to hear, appeared to understand, appeared to be willing to change. Some things are better, truly, but we are back to anywhere from maybe twice a month (on a good month) to more usually once every 2 months. The drinking is resurfacing and the porn watching has never ended. Yet I continue to choose to compromise and bend and overlook and be patient and hope ... always hoping. I saw this early on in our relationship and chose unwisely then. Saw red flags, but chose unwisely and decided to focus on all the good qualities I saw in him. Here I am, 7 years later, still choosing unwisely. Something will give, permanently, before too much longer I suppose. I did mean what I said to him. I will not live like this forever. So as baza would wisely remind you: in being firm each time about not taking it anymore and then subsequently ripping up those papers again and again, you have “shred your cred” with your h. You have threatened multiple times to take action but have gone back on it every time. He goes right back to the behaviors you keep putting up with. So why would he be motivated to change beyond just enough change for a short enough time to continue to make you stay? It’s worked every other time so why wouldn’t it again? (Just trying to illustrate how he might be thinking, whether consciously or not.) So what is the straw that would actually break the camel’s back for you? It seems you thought you already reached that multiple times, yet here you still are. You’ll need to figure out your actual boundaries, clearly communicate them to him, and not just threaten to take action but actually do it (and follow through!) if he crosses those boundaries. But first you need to decide if you actually WANT to follow through or not. So far that answer has been no. And that is ok! But if you honestly don’t want to leave him you need to figure out what you WILL put up with and a way you can truly be ok with it. (Not just kind of ok until the next time you can’t take it anymore.) I know that this is not easy and I’m sending you hugs. Maybe take a look at @elle ‘s story in case it could give a little clarity. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2018 7:15:01 GMT -5
How ironic .... I tore up the 1st set of separation papers 3+ years ago after they were signed and he was packed and ready to move out b/c in his last minute desperation he said he would quit drinking (an issue I thought contributed to our SM, which he did for over a year .... but is now slowly picking back up). Then I tore up the 2nd set of signed papers about 2 years ago after another blow up and more desperate promises from him. The 3rd near split was a full on, screaming, crying laying it all on the table fit after ignoring him (literally not speaking to him per instructions from my therapist) for nearly a week, where I emphatically stated I would NOT live in a sexless marriage. NO! This is not acceptable to me and I wont do it! As always, he appeared to hear, appeared to understand, appeared to be willing to change. Some things are better, truly, but we are back to anywhere from maybe twice a month (on a good month) to more usually once every 2 months. The drinking is resurfacing and the porn watching has never ended. Yet I continue to choose to compromise and bend and overlook and be patient and hope ... always hoping. I saw this early on in our relationship and chose unwisely then. Saw red flags, but chose unwisely and decided to focus on all the good qualities I saw in him. Here I am, 7 years later, still choosing unwisely. Something will give, permanently, before too much longer I suppose. I did mean what I said to him. I will not live like this forever. So as baza would wisely remind you: in being firm each time about not taking it anymore and then subsequently ripping up those papers again and again, you have “shred your cred” with your h. You have threatened multiple times to take action but have gone back on it every time. He goes right back to the behaviors you keep putting up with. So why would he be motivated to change beyond just enough change for a short enough time to continue to make you stay? It’s worked every other time so why wouldn’t it again? (Just trying to illustrate how he might be thinking, whether consciously or not.) So what is the straw that would actually break the camel’s back for you? It seems you thought you already reached that multiple times, yet here you still are. You’ll need to figure out your actual boundaries, clearly communicate them to him, and not just threaten to take action but actually do it (and follow through!) if he crosses those boundaries. But first you need to decide if you actually WANT to follow through or not. So far that answer has been no. And that is ok! But if you honestly don’t want to leave him you need to figure out what you WILL put up with and a way you can truly be ok with it. (Not just kind of ok until the next time you can’t take it anymore.) I know that this is not easy and I’m sending you hugs. Maybe take a look at @elle ‘s story in case it could give a little clarity. You are absolutely 100% correct and I do not disagree with you at all. No, I do not want to end my marriage, which is why I am trying so many things and being so patient. No, I can't live like this though either. The hurt and resentments are just building. What DO I want? I want my husband to get his head out of his ass and come to counseling with me so we can work thru this, but he refuses. My therapist said I am the one doing all the work and my husband is doing the bare minimum to nothing at all. My therapist says it's ultimatum time, that if my husband won't participate and work with me, there's nothing more I can do on my own. I agree with this, but just haven't been able to bring myself to that point yet. 😢 Thank you for your words of honesty and support. I know I have a hard decision ahead of me. This sucks!! 😞😞 |
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Post by choosinghappy on Dec 11, 2018 7:23:27 GMT -5
So as baza would wisely remind you: in being firm each time about not taking it anymore and then subsequently ripping up those papers again and again, you have “shred your cred” with your h. You have threatened multiple times to take action but have gone back on it every time. He goes right back to the behaviors you keep putting up with. So why would he be motivated to change beyond just enough change for a short enough time to continue to make you stay? It’s worked every other time so why wouldn’t it again? (Just trying to illustrate how he might be thinking, whether consciously or not.) So what is the straw that would actually break the camel’s back for you? It seems you thought you already reached that multiple times, yet here you still are. You’ll need to figure out your actual boundaries, clearly communicate them to him, and not just threaten to take action but actually do it (and follow through!) if he crosses those boundaries. But first you need to decide if you actually WANT to follow through or not. So far that answer has been no. And that is ok! But if you honestly don’t want to leave him you need to figure out what you WILL put up with and a way you can truly be ok with it. (Not just kind of ok until the next time you can’t take it anymore.) I know that this is not easy and I’m sending you hugs. Maybe take a look at @elle ‘s story in case it could give a little clarity. You are absolutely 100% correct and I do not disagree with you at all. No, I do not want to end my marriage, which is why I am trying so many things and being so patient. No, I can't live like this though either. The hurt and resentments are just building. What DO I want? I want my husband to get his head out of his ass and come to counseling with me so we can work thru this, but he refuses. My therapist said I am the one doing all the work and my husband is doing the bare minimum to nothing at all. My therapist says it's ultimatum time, that if my husband won't participate and work with me, there's nothing more I can do on my own. I agree with this, but just haven't been able to bring myself to that point yet. 😢 Thank you for your words of honesty and support. I know I have a hard decision ahead of me. This sucks!! 😞😞 She’s right. You know what you need to do (ultimatum) but if you aren’t ready to follow through then there is no point yet. I remember being at that stage. It is hard. You and I had different issues with our H’s but the result was sexlessness, and being made to feel like crap about ourselves! So regardless of the differences I can understand. I remember an exercise my therapist had me do which helped narrow down my thoughts. (Honestly, the folks here really helped me in that aspect.) Here is the thread in case it can help you: Needs, Desires & Concerns r.tapatalk.com/shareLink?share_fid=1424778&share_tid=3880&url=http%3A%2F%2Filiasm%2Eorg%2Fthread%2F3880&share_type=tBut I assume some of your Needs might also include things like: cut down on drinking, cut down on porn, etc. Give it some serious thought as to what your actual needs really are. It took me multiple tries to truly understand my own. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2018 7:59:02 GMT -5
You are absolutely 100% correct and I do not disagree with you at all. No, I do not want to end my marriage, which is why I am trying so many things and being so patient. No, I can't live like this though either. The hurt and resentments are just building. What DO I want? I want my husband to get his head out of his ass and come to counseling with me so we can work thru this, but he refuses. My therapist said I am the one doing all the work and my husband is doing the bare minimum to nothing at all. My therapist says it's ultimatum time, that if my husband won't participate and work with me, there's nothing more I can do on my own. I agree with this, but just haven't been able to bring myself to that point yet. 😢 Thank you for your words of honesty and support. I know I have a hard decision ahead of me. This sucks!! 😞😞 She’s right. You know what you need to do (ultimatum) but if you aren’t ready to follow through then there is no point yet. I remember being at that stage. It is hard. You and I had different issues with our H’s but the result was sexlessness, and being made to feel like crap about ourselves! So regardless of the differences I can understand. I remember an exercise my therapist had me do which helped narrow down my thoughts. (Honestly, the folks here really helped me in that aspect.) Here is the thread in case it can help you: Needs, Desires & Concerns r.tapatalk.com/shareLink?share_fid=1424778&share_tid=3880&url=http%3A%2F%2Filiasm%2Eorg%2Fthread%2F3880&share_type=tBut I assume some of your Needs might also include things like: cut down on drinking, cut down on porn, etc. Give it some serious thought as to what your actual needs really are. It took me multiple tries to truly understand my own. Thank you! I will check out that link for sure. I'm amazed by the amount of support and kindness I'm finding on this site. Grateful to all. |
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