Numb / Shutting Down

I'll share some recent personal experience from opposite land. First of all, take into account that I had 10 yrs of vanila, once every two weeks, and then 14 yrs of practically nothing. Then a crazy two year divorce and 9 months of finding a new  partner. Also that I am 55 yrs old and that 1 out of every two men my age are experiencing ED.

I assumed that my at home alone ( hands on experience) would mean I would welcome once a day. So far ( in my limited experience that's true.) However I am also experiencing a far greater need for reconnecting on an intimate personal level. Of knowing that greatcoastal the person is just as accepted as greatcoastal the physical male.
I hope that makes sense?

Heavy ,intense kissing, intense hard  hand rubbing  to my chest and hair. And constant touching from the moment we meet ,may have sounded like a dream, but is turning out to be too much, too soon. Almost overwhelming. Sometimes it even hurts!
This has me wondering, has my body changed in how it reacts? Did all of that mental abuse have a physical effect as well?

Did my drive lessen or go away? Is there a lack of confidence or desire? Does self doubt creep into things? Well I still care if I get it (sex), it's very important, it has a very high value and significant meaning. But it has to have significant meaning, I have to feel secure that there will be a next time. I have to know that my 'performance' left my partner desiring more in the morning.

Will it all heal in time? Will I react different from one partner or another? Partners have different 'styles, touches, methods, preferences, experiences, too. How am I going to find what fits?  There's a lot more communicating verbally and physically that needs to happen. 

In your case @whynotm3, if this communicating does not happen, you will be left with more doubt and more questions that another partner can hopefully help you figure out together in the future. 

I know exactly what you mean. Every sexual encounter was a struggle for me to make it last as long as possible because I never knew how long I would have to wait for the next one. Sometimes the resentment over living like that would even mess with my ability to finish at all. My  drive is high also. I have to handle me business daily too. I no longer expect anything from her anymore. I quit initiating because, as DryCreek put it with his lab rat analogy: I had been zapped too many times for trying to get the cheese. The pain of getting "zapped" isn't worth the cheese anymore. Now the fear of getting zapped prevents me from trying. All sexual encounters are initiated by my W now. We had sex back in the first weekend of December. Before that it was a 3 months since the last time. It was nice and I didn't have the resentment, because I expect nothing from her. Lack of expectations has helped me focus on reality. Our marriage is doomed. It will end. Not as soon as I want, but sooner than she expects. Sex in marriage is supposed to be an expectation. If there is no expectation of sex, to me there is no marriage.

I have read where sexual and emotional connections are few and far between, the sex and emotion starved person needs some sex and intimacy to happen 2 to 4 times to dissipate the feeling of rejection. The first few times after a long abstinence are just getting the rust off of the prior emotional loneliness. It takes a couple of times getting to get the rust off before getting down to the metal that counts.

My main source for the above was a woman that shared her feelings on why one go round of sex every couple of months didn't satisfy her. For her satisfaction came after the rd or 4 time sex happened in a day or two. Like a lot of us here, there was zero sex the same or the next / couple of days, so she never was emotionally satisfied.

Last I heard, she moved to the basement bedroom / TV room and her former bedroom with her H was on the second floor. She admitted the distance was a relief or at least a way to feel less frustrated.

I don't know why a refuser thinks 1X a season should be enough to satisfy a HD desires. I like french fries so why is it unusual to eat then twice in a week? BTW, I can also be happy with broccoli 2 or 3 times a week.