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Post by eternaloptimism on May 22, 2016 16:13:30 GMT -5
I am feeling assertive. I think I am done with him.
I am of the firm belief that nothing will ever change unless I end it with him.
When the kids are asleep I'm telling him it's done now.
Please wish my assertive frame of mind can remain that way long enough to do this !
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Post by unmatched on May 22, 2016 16:37:43 GMT -5
Good luck!!!
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Post by bballgirl on May 22, 2016 16:40:30 GMT -5
Be strong and good luck!
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Post by misssunnybunny on May 22, 2016 16:47:13 GMT -5
Good luck!!!
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Post by Deleted on May 22, 2016 16:55:57 GMT -5
I am feeling assertive. I think I am done with him. I am of the firm belief that nothing will ever change unless I end it with him. When the kids are asleep I'm telling him it's done now. Please wish my assertive frame of mind can remain that way long enough to do this ! You are an amazingly strong and confident goddess. I shall be sending you good wishes from across the pond. Rock it, girl!! |
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Post by Deleted on May 22, 2016 16:56:21 GMT -5
Yes do it now while you have a jones. Don't get sucked into an argument or worse yet bargaining. High five!
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Post by Deleted on May 22, 2016 17:02:27 GMT -5
Good luck!
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Post by Deleted on May 22, 2016 17:08:10 GMT -5
It won't be easy. That's how we know that you're brave.
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Post by worksforme2 on May 22, 2016 17:38:06 GMT -5
When the kids are asleep I'm telling him it's done now. Please wish my assertive frame of mind can remain that way long enough to do this ! Do you have your escape plan mapped out? Back at EP I saw a couple ladies pull the plug ending things when they didn't have a clear map of what they were going to do or where they were headed. Have you rehearsed it in your head to the point you are ready to refute any arguments he might throw out to try and dissuade you? |
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Post by ggold on May 22, 2016 17:38:56 GMT -5
I am feeling assertive. I think I am done with him. I am of the firm belief that nothing will ever change unless I end it with him. When the kids are asleep I'm telling him it's done now. Please wish my assertive frame of mind can remain that way long enough to do this ! Good luck and stay strong!! |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 22, 2016 18:07:16 GMT -5
Remember " trust" you can not trust your thoughts and feeling with someone who does not " respect your needs" you are guarding your heart.
It's time for some taking. Take ground move forward , change and new are all improvements!
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Post by baza on May 22, 2016 18:34:31 GMT -5
As of now Sister E, do you have your legal advice / support network / do-able exit strategy in place ?
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If you haven't, it might be wise to shelve this conversation until you do have those things.
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OTOH, if you actually are fully prepared with these things, and ready to put this on the line, I'd suggest that you keep it short, like a 'statement of intent', not a conversation or a negotiation or an arguement.
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Post by JMX on May 22, 2016 19:13:39 GMT -5
What baza says is right. If you are really, really done, you will have those things in place! Looking back, every time I mentioned I was done and ready to divorce, I "shred my cred" by not following through. If you feel you are not really done, consider telling him again how you feel and insisting on counseling while you get your plan in place. You don't have to use the plan if you change your mind and you can avoid pitfalls like mine - where he doesn't believe I am going to follow through with it and is not taking me seriously. |
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Post by baza on May 22, 2016 19:45:29 GMT -5
Just to amplify the point made by Sister JMX.
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'Potentially', the best thing you have going for you in these situations is your credibility.
That if you say something, your spouse can take to the bank that you mean it.
Of the very few tools you have to work through your situation, your credibility is about the best one.
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Sometimes, we inadvertently throw that tool away. By saying things we do not mean (sometimes repeatedly), thus educating the avoidant spouse not to take us seriously.
We "shred our cred".
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And that doesn't just take us back to square #1, it actually propels us backward by quite a ways further. Leaving us with that lost ground to make up before any re-launch of any strategy is possible.
If you have shred your cred, it is a long long long process to re-generate it.
Often times, it is smarter to say nothing rather than something you don't mean / something that you are not actually prepared to follow through.
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These dysfunctional situations are already quite difficult enough to deal with (even when you have your legal advice / exit strategy etc in place).
Trying to deal with the situation without them in place shifts over to the realms of 'impossible'.
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Post by JMX on May 22, 2016 22:32:06 GMT -5
Further amplification!!!! My situation is MUCH worse since I have been "talking" about divorce for years. Please, please listen to this, if nothing else: Threatening divorce is literally the worst thing you can do. You may even believe it. Do NOT say it unless the papers are drawn and you are resolved to serve them to him. It is not a smart tactic to effect change. My H talks about the "future" constantly, but has used my words against me to remind me that he is in control at all times. You NEVER say the D word unless you mean it and, preferably the DAY you serve him. NEVER! I'm unhappy? Yes! Divorce? No!!!! No! No! No! No! No!!!!! If I could turn back time (happy 70th Cher!) I would never, ever, ever in a bajillion years, say "divorce". Never. I would have just served him and been done with it. My motivations in the past were to get him to change. He would never change. Likely the same for you too. Sorry! But it's true  |
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