|
|
Post by davth1701 on Oct 21, 2018 3:46:51 GMT -5
I just found this site tonight and have spent some hours browsing the various forums and posts. I have never told my story anywhere, but here goes.
I am a 55 yo male, married for 32 years. The first years were amazing - we were best friends, passionate lovers, did everything together and absolutely couldn't get enough of each other. We had a child, then, a few years later, another. Both pregnancies were difficult and high-risk, but worked out fine except that the second seemed to really tear up my wife (physically). As our oldest was getting toward school age, we decided to move to my family farm in a small town thinking the small school would be better. We also planned to use our savings and start a business. Well, the school was downright scary in some very significant ways and the business didn't work out due to a lack of ability to stick to a plan (on both our parts). I was able to find a good job in the area and my wife decided to homeschool, so everything worked out well. We survived those stressful times with no real problems.
A few years later, the debt kept increasing and my job seemed on shaky ground so we (after many long discussions) decided to move to a city a few hours drive away so I could find a better, higher paying job. This was to be a couple of years to build our savings again, then move back to the farm. I found the job and initiated the move, but my wife never got around to actually packing a box, let alone moving. To make it worse, my dad had a heart attack the day I gave notice at my job and ended up having to move to the city, into an assisted living facility. My dad could afford this for a while, but again, we decided (after many long discussions) to find a house where we would be comfortable living with him. I was able to find a large house that would give us all privacy and enough room to spread out. My wife came to visit and thought the house was great. But she still wouldn't move.
For the next several months, I drove back to the farm every weekend to see my family and work on things that needed fixed (no end to that on an old farm). During this time, our marriage seemed solid but the sex was definitely on the wane. Then one weekend she just turned it off. The whole relationship was just shit. She started verbally attacking me for anything I said. I tried everything I could to find out what was wrong, what I could do to help. I got nothing but anger and vitriol. I cannot describe the depth of my hurt at that time. She could have died and it would have been much easier to bear.
About 2 years later I finally had an epiphany that it was over. My marriage that I had cherished and depended on for so many years was truly over and done. I felt liberated and sad and adrift and lots of other things. I chose to stay with the marriage and commute to see the kids every weekend. I tried to find a job back there, but was vehemently not welcome to move back. Over the next year or so it got so bad I was afraid she might poison me. Literally. Some of the farm work is kind of dangerous and I felt that if I cut my leg off with the chainsaw I would most likely bleed out without a call to 911. She was still devoted and loving to the kids, so I wasn't worried about them (not too much anyway), but still missed them desperately. I was not alone in being rejected - she alienated all her friends and her family as well. I felt that I got the worst, but that may have just been my perspective.
Over the next few years, my sister battled breast cancer (and lost), and my dad's health deteriorated and finally failed. All through this I got nothing but hostility and contempt from my wife. Life went on, I found other interests to keep me busy during the week (spirituality, meditation, cycling, a long distance outsource relationship). I downsized to a small townhome as a place to live alone. As I pulled back from trying or even hoping for a change in the marriage, it got marginally better, to the point I no longer worried about poisons or "accidents".
So, life goes on. My son went to college and graduated on the Dean's list. My daughter is still in college, also on the Dean's list. My wife finally moved to the city three years ago and is working part time. She seems happy and friendly and seems to feel like everything is just fine. But we never talk. We sleep in separate rooms. We are just roommates. About three years ago, I developed an inner ear issue that makes it unsafe for me to ride a bicycle (my major fitness and stress relief all my life). I have been depressed and uninterested in pretty much everything. I have a great job and work everyday to support this family, but the debt piles higher every year due to a lack of ability to stick to a plan (on both our parts) and I feel completely hopeless that I will ever be able to retire. I am afraid of the day when both kids are out of the house - I can hardly imagine trying to cohabit without anyone else to moderate. I find that I really miss the days when I lived here alone.
I don't know what I'm looking for here on this forum. There is no easy advice or magic bullet to fix this. I turn to porn for self-gratification to ease my sexless existence because I feel like a real-life relationship would be way too much trouble in so many ways. I don't think I could keep it "just FWB". I have no friends to talk to, so maybe I just need to unload this to the universe. I have considered divorce and just don't have the courage to try. It would be financially devastating for everyone involved (except the lawyers). I have considered trying to work on my marital relationship, but I lack the will and the courage to try that as well. I don't think I would survive the hurt again.
|
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Oct 21, 2018 9:46:19 GMT -5
Although you have posted in Choosing to Stay since you are so new here you probably haven’t had time to explore other options in anninformed way. Thus, I am going to respond as if you are choosing to stay right now since you don’t know how other options would play out.
My first suggestion is to get into individual therapy to help you with your depression and to help you figure out your options. In general marital therapy is a waste of time when it comes to improving one’s marriage unless one’s spouse is willing to enter the therapy, be honest in the therapy and work wholeheartedly to improve the marriage. There is no indication your wife would do that so don’t waste your time and money.
You can get referrals from friends, your doctor, local colleges with graduate programs in psychology, counseling or social work. If cost is a concern, Google will help you find a site with licensed therapists who for a relatively low fee you can get therapy from via Skype or the internet.
Many lawyers charge no fee for the initial visit— consultation. The consultation would tell you how a divorce would shake out including financially. The overall cost of divorce may be far lower than you anticipate. Divorce also would allow you alone to be responsible for your finances. It might end up costing you less than staying married to a person with bad spending habits.
Take the time to read the stories on this entire site. Lots of inspiration and good advice is here.
|
|
|
|
Post by dallasgia on Oct 21, 2018 14:07:25 GMT -5
Hey Davth,
Yours is a tough story.
I’m glad you reached out. This site contains a lot of wisdom and experience.
It’s been comforting to me to read the stories, know I’m not alone, and watch resolutions to some stories on here.
You will find strength in numbers here.
Big hugs,
Dallasgia
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Oct 21, 2018 17:21:19 GMT -5
The over-riding thing I'm getting out of this is that you have hit mid 50's and appear to be in a worse financial position than ever.
You mention a couple of times how "a lack of ability to stick to a plan" has negatively impacted your financial position.
You've got something like 10 years in which to do something about this - but you do need to start "NOW".
So my suggestion - as you are dealing with these other relationship matters - concurrently see a Financial Counsellor in your jurisdiction and establish what you might be able to do about your financial position.
|
|
|
|
Post by flashjohn on Oct 24, 2018 15:44:10 GMT -5
I am really sorry to hear this. My refuser was also extremely abusive. I left her when I was 51.
|
|
rich
New Member
Married for 40 fucking years and six more.
Posts: 11
Age Range: 66-70
|
Post by rich on Nov 15, 2018 4:21:53 GMT -5
I'm feeling fairly fortunate after reading these posts. I do choose to stay in my marriage, which was the thread starter. Unlike the original poster, our finances and everything else in our marriage of over 46 years is good.
A year, or so, before our 40th anniversary my wife would sometimes complain about discomfort during intercourse. On the day of our 40th we had intercourse and she said that we should just do other things because of her discomfort. We did for a few months but it simply became frustrating for me to have foreplay without the completion that ejaculation from intercourse gives me.
My wife seemed quite happy with our new sexless marriage and even almost bragged about it. Go figure?
Last month I brought up the subject and admitted that I wasn't happy living in a sexless marriage, expecting her to reconsider. Well, no, there was no negotiating. She is happy being sexless, well as far as I know, and that's that!
Since she has even indicated that she never really liked sex anyway. Now why didn't she let me know that when we met 46 years ago?
I'm not gay so relief with some of my buddies isn't an option, like it is with some of them. I don't want to cheat and sure don't want the drama that an affair can create. And STD's are just too rampant to risk being with a professional. Besides, I don't think I could enjoy sex without the intimacy of having a partner I love, or at least like, offers.
So, well, I guess I'm just truly fucked, and not the good way.
|
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Nov 15, 2018 11:26:13 GMT -5
Rich, welcome to the forum.
You posted sex was uncomfortable for your W. I am guessing, based on other women's posts, the no sex pattern will just make it more difficult to have sex in the future. Some women's vagina get narrower and less elastic when they quit having PIV sex. There are some vaginal dilators in graduated sizes and some vagina creams that are different than lubes that might help with PIV discomfort. The big stumbling block is the woman has to want to use the dilators.
The old "use it or lose" applies here.
So, what is Rich going to do to substitute some old or new endeavor to replace his past sexual activities?
If you are staying, like others have done, it usually takes partially reinventing yourself.
|
|
|
|
Post by jamesbonding on Nov 15, 2018 23:29:42 GMT -5
rich, to steal a phrase from another member, "Welcome to the forum that no one wants to be a member of." I'm sorry for what you're going through. If your wife feels no obligation to keep you happy (by having sex with you reasonably often) why should you feel any obligation to keep her happy? If she doesn't live up to her marriage vows, why should you? Are you willing to live the rest of your life without sex? Since you found this forum, I'm guessing "maybe not."  Check out this poll about outsourcing: iliasm.org/thread/4767/regret-outsourcingAbout 6 1/2 years into the NO-sex part of my marriage, at a time when I was interviewing for a job in a city 50 miles away, I told my wife that if I got the job, I might get an apartment in that city and start looking for a girlfriend. There was a big argument but nothing changed. (I didn't get the job.) Six months later I started preparing for divorce. I told my wife that I was going to visit a woman I had found on the internet, and I did so. Had a wonderful time, and I think that was the catalyst that resulted in my wife starting to have sex with me again. My story is at iliasm.org/thread/4694/recovered-sexless-marriage . Of course if you decide to do something like what I did, everyone here will advise you to consult a divorce lawyer beforehand to see how a divorce would shake out. You might not plan to divorce, but your wife might decide to divorce you!
|
|
