...hope you do get caught and bring the situation to a head
...try and keep it on a no strings basis
...hope the fellow cheater is a long term prospect for a new relationship
...hope you don't get a bunny boiler
...hope you don't fall in love
...hope that you do fall in love
...hope it helps you cope with your ILIASM deal
...hope it exposes your ILIASM deal for what it is
.......plus many many more.
This option is by far and away the most adventurous route and has many many nuances to it.
Since we have seen that there are very few cases of people leaving their SMs and regretting it, I'm wondering what percentage of people who outsourced during their marriages regretted that decision. If you could live your life over again, would you avoid outsourcing?
So....time for another poll! For the purposes of this poll, "outsource" means having an affair during the sexless marriage, and before any separation or divorce paperwork may have started.
What if you didn't outsource but wish you had? Not my case but I could see that as an option.
After 20 years of SM I always considered myself too unfuckabke to find anyine to outsource with. By the time that haze cleared I was already on the way out and just decided to wait until it was done. I mean it had been three years at that point. What was the problem with a couple more months.
Last Edit: Aug 27, 2018 20:28:31 GMT -5 by shamwow
Sham's Law #1: Everything in life is simple. First you figure out what you want. Second, you figure out how to get it. Third you do it. The first step, unfortunately happens to be the hardest.
I do not regret it at all. It was life changing. I would say getting over him is the hardest thing I have ever done as I can't let it out at home. But i don't regret it and would do it again if I had my life again.
Post by jamesbonding on Aug 28, 2018 1:28:02 GMT -5
Since you didn't provide a "HELL NO!" option, I voted "No."
I saw a statistic that 25% of affairs result in an improvement of the marriage. It makes sense. Actions speak louder than words. An affair (an open one, not a stealthly, undiscovered one) says "Something has GOT to change NOW!"
Not only was the 2+ weeks I spent with my AP one of the happiest times in my life, but I'm pretty sure it was the catalyst that caused my marriage to turn around a few months later. The affair gave me confidence that if I divorced I could find a woman who would enjoy being with me and could create a new relationship that was much better than the marriage I was in.
Several months later, after the turnaround, my wife apologized profusely for refusing sex for seven years. I was not terribly moved, and was thinking, "I don't need you to apologize, just don't do that again! (Don't refuse sex for long periods.)"
She also demanded that I apologize. I said "I'm sorry for... [something or other]" But I was thinking "What am I supposed to apologize for? Why does she want me to speak some words that I don't really feel? What is the point?"
Could I have turned my marriage around without the affair? Possibly, if I had just filed for divorce, that might have caused my wife to change her behavior. But I wouldn't have gotten that confidence boost, and wouldn't be in such a position of strength, thus the outcome probably wouldn't have been as good as it actually turned out to be. (Which is not to say that the marriage has been wonderful since the turnaround, but it's not bad either. We've had sex about once every 10 days on average, and in the last couple months it's been about once every 3 or 4 days.)
At this stage of the poll, not one member has suggested that they outsourced and came to regret that choice.
And whereas I am not personally a fan of cheating (not on any moral basis but rather because it makes an already complex problem even more complex) it must be noted that this choice is almost ALWAYS a game changer.
The trouble is that this choice can spin things off at wildly unpredictable tangents, and you cannot know beforehand, where it might spin off to.
At the two extremes - (a) the jamesbonding scenario where the choice actually played a pretty major part in getting the marriage to a turnaround stage. (b) (can't think of a member example here) where the choice precipitates a collapse of the marriage and results in a shit fight divorce. But it does seem - from a lot of members stories, that the cheating option often has the effect of awakening you as to just what a shithole your ILIASM marriage is.
It is certainly a highly adventurous choice, no doubt about that, and usually is a game changer - albeit totally unpredictable.
Yep - ZERO regrets. I might have felt differently if I was discovered.
My AP when he knew I'd started dating again advised me not to say anything to prospective partners - it certainly wasn't a usual first date topic of conversation - but I was able to tell my partner about my AP when we first started going out. And he understood.
Post by sweetplumeria on Aug 28, 2018 3:13:26 GMT -5
"If I could live my life over again..."
I wouldnt have married my spouse.
I dont regret my outsourcing but I wish I had done it sooner. I let my spouse tear me down too far. I let him convince me that no one would want me. I have a lot of anger at myself for that. The first time... I didnt think anyone would want me. Well lets just say the man 12 years my junior was shocked to learn my real age. We still talk to this day (no sex lol) we met the end of 2010.
My regret is not being able to see my husband as a narcissist. To believing I was so awful no one would want me... My regrets are about my choices. Those are within my control.
I only regret things that I didn’t do like outsource sooner as well there was a man on EP from Pennsylvania that came to visit me after my divorce and we didn’t sleep together. After he left we both disclosed that we didn’t have the confidence but we wanted to. I wish we had. I was freshly divorced and my confidence and self esteem still were damaged from the SM mindfuck. Today the woman that I am would straight up ask him.
choosinghappy: Hope you had a great birthday h!
Sept 1, 2018 21:19:34 GMT -5
mrrobot: Hi guys, I don't know if this community is still active - if so, I posted a thread at the forum if anyone could give me some light I'd be really thankful! Cheers
Sept 2, 2018 7:48:17 GMT -5
georgia: Hi...I’ve just joined the group. And I simply need a place to vent and hopefully receive some help dealing with my utterly sexless marriage. After 15 years of marriage our sex life has dwindled to nada, zero, nothing.
Sept 3, 2018 14:48:18 GMT -5
kh: why even marry someone with a high libido if you hate sex
Sept 4, 2018 4:28:42 GMT -5
javba: kh - fast forward 2 kids and 20 years later I have not resolved the problem you're looking at. Now I have cracked 51 yrs, have lesser chances of finding someone, not as market-able. You may want to reconsider "child is 8 mon old" with a 50% divorce rate
Sept 4, 2018 10:07:57 GMT -5
DryCreek: mrrobot, georgia, kh - welcome! I see a couple of you have posted your stories in the forum. I think not a lot of folks use this chat because you can only see it on laptops, not on phones. georgia, please do post your story and vent here. We get it.
Sept 6, 2018 10:29:43 GMT -5