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Post by workingonit on Oct 15, 2018 12:47:48 GMT -5
In the staying world (which I am FOR NOW but I hope only briefly) I have recently found my friends to be such an amzing source of support. For many years I did not tell them or anyone. Two years ago I began to talk about it in therapy (which I had started because of my son). After that I told my best friend. My life changed.
You know how in 12 step addicts need to admit they have a problem? Telling loved ones about my SM felt like that- like finally admitting and facing my problems.
My friends have helped me think through my options. They believe in me, help build me up, laugh at the absurdities with me. They help me dream of a future without my h. They tell me I am beautiful and will have no problem finding a man if/when I leave.
Last week my only close male friend (who is also my h's closest local friend) opened up to me that he is very angry with my h. He said "no matter what I can never forgive him for neglecting you. You deserve so much more." It meant the world to me.
Have you told the people in your life? Do they make staying easier? How can you get the emotional support you need while you are staying in your SM?
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Post by h on Oct 15, 2018 14:38:50 GMT -5
I have told some family members, but I really don't have any friends that I'm close enough to that I would feel comfortable sharing this with. I have acquaintances, coworkers, and people I interact with on a superficial level, but no real friends. I feel closer to the (at first) complete strangers I have gotten to know here than anyone I know in real life.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 15, 2018 14:46:14 GMT -5
I have told some family members, but I really don't have any friends that I'm close enough to that I would feel comfortable sharing this with. I have acquaintances, coworkers, and people I interact with on a superficial level, but no real friends. I feel closer to the (at first) complete strangers I have gotten to know here than anyone I know in real life. Only "at first." You have friends right here. My friends here have been wonderful support. Daily. All day long. I need you all! |
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Post by flashjohn on Oct 15, 2018 16:48:19 GMT -5
My sister was very kind and supportive. It helped a lot. She wanted more for me, but did not push me for divorce.
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Post by baza on Oct 15, 2018 19:05:54 GMT -5
A support network in your life is a good thing - irrespective of marital status - and irrespective of whether your marriage is 'made in heaven' or an ILIASM shithole. Because if you are currently not dealing with assorted problems, then you soon will be, and the perspective of someone else can be a very valuable sounding board. And, if you are currently enjoying a 'win' in your life, then the perspective of someone else can help keep you grounded. Further, when the boot is on the other foot, and that someone else is struggling, you get to take your turn as the supportive person for them. It ain't all one way traffic. It would seem Sister workingonit , that the choices you made back in the day as to who was going to be a good friend of yours was a good choice, and the benefits of that are now paying off. And I am betting that you are not just soaking up the support and giving nothing back....but are rather a valued part of these other peoples support network too. Your support network is not going to fix your problems for you, but it can be of inestimable value to you in providing a solid base for you to tap into as you sort out your own shit. |
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Post by h on Oct 15, 2018 23:31:21 GMT -5
I have told some family members, but I really don't have any friends that I'm close enough to that I would feel comfortable sharing this with. I have acquaintances, coworkers, and people I interact with on a superficial level, but no real friends. I feel closer to the (at first) complete strangers I have gotten to know here than anyone I know in real life. Only "at first." You have friends right here. My friends here have been wonderful support. Daily. All day long. I need you all! I know. That's why I said "at first" in my post. I have friends here that know more about me than anyone in real life and you're one of them. I've leaned on the people in this group more than anyone else. It's gotten me through some very tough times. I've shared more personal details with people here than I ever did with anyone else ever. The two family members I told don't even have a grasp on the full extent of what I've lived through. One can't wrap his head around it so I don't discuss it much anymore. The other "gets it" a little bit better because he's in a SM also, but his only turned out that way a few years ago due to health issues with his W. Before that, his marriage was perfectly fine. I wouldn't have been able to open up to them at all if not for my time here though. Sharing with strangers who then became friends...☺️ |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 16, 2018 6:32:47 GMT -5
In the staying world (which I am FOR NOW but I hope only briefly) I have recently found my friends to be such an amzing source of support. For many years I did not tell them or anyone. Two years ago I began to talk about it in therapy (which I had started because of my son). After that I told my best friend. My life changed. You know how in 12 step addicts need to admit they have a problem? Telling loved ones about my SM felt like that- like finally admitting and facing my problems. My friends have helped me think through my options. They believe in me, help build me up, laugh at the absurdities with me. They help me dream of a future without my h. They tell me I am beautiful and will have no problem finding a man if/when I leave. Last week my only close male friend (who is also my h's closest local friend) opened up to me that he is very angry with my h. He said "no matter what I can never forgive him for neglecting you. You deserve so much more." It meant the world to me. Have you told the people in your life? Do they make staying easier? How can you get the emotional support you need while you are staying in your SM? As a member of a 12 step program (AA), the first step is more than just saying "I have a problem". Specifically, here is the first step: “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.” Notice it doesn't say that I admit I "have a problem". I admitted I am powerless over alcohol. Like my SM, I had to acknowledge that I'm not in control. I also had to admit my life had become unmanageable. What? I'm not sleeping under a bridge. I'm not getting arrested. My life absolutely is manageable. Except it isn't. Admitting my life is unmanageable is a simple recognition that I am not the "director" of the show. In my SM, I thought I was the director. If I could just figure out "why" then I could "fix" or "manage" the problem. There is a lot behind that first step. It was my good fortune that as I went through leaving my marriage I also left booze at the same time. So many parallels. |
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Post by choosinghappy on Oct 23, 2018 22:45:26 GMT -5
I confided in quite a few people: my closest girlfriends, sister, eventually my parents. Their reactions told me everything I needed to know; that no, this was NOT normal, and none of them could fathom going through their entire lives that way. I’ll never forget my mother’s reaction: she couldn’t keep herself from tearing up when she heard how things had really been for me and said she couldn’t imagine how difficult a life/marriage without touch or intimacy had been. She couldn’t help but hug me because “everyone needs hugs” and I knew then that if I chose to leave my SM, I would have support.
Some people were shocked because we had “the perfect marriage”, right? But others were not as they had seen firsthand how completely disconnected he and I were.
I think my life changed when I started opening up about it to more people. Prior to that I felt shame about my situation. Once I realized there was nothing for ME to feel shameful for, I reached out, moved forward, and didn’t look back.
For me, my support system was instrumental. But not in making staying easier, in making leaving easier.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 24, 2018 13:50:46 GMT -5
I confided in quite a few people: my closest girlfriends, sister, eventually my parents. Their reactions told me everything I needed to know; that no, this was NOT normal, and none of them could fathom going through their entire lives that way. I’ll never forget my mother’s reaction: she couldn’t keep herself from tearing up when she heard how things had really been for me and said she couldn’t imagine how difficult a life/marriage without touch or intimacy had been. She couldn’t help but hug me because “everyone needs hugs” and I knew then that if I chose to leave my SM, I would have support. Some people were shocked because we had “the perfect marriage”, right? But others were not as they had seen firsthand how completely disconnected he and I were. I think my life changed when I started opening up about it to more people. Prior to that I felt shame about my situation. Once I realized there was nothing for ME to feel shameful for, I reached out, moved forward, and didn’t look back. For me, my support system was instrumental. But not in making staying easier, in making leaving easier. I explained to my sister I'd been living in a sexless marriage and it had been years since my ex and I had had sex her first question was "well how are the blowjobs?" The idea of a true sexless marriage was alien to her. When I clarified that in a sexless marriage, there were, indeed, no blowjobs, she had the saddest look you can imagine on her face and gave me a big hug. Your post reminded me of that. This shit is NOT normal. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 24, 2018 14:47:54 GMT -5
I confided in quite a few people: my closest girlfriends, sister, eventually my parents. Their reactions told me everything I needed to know; that no, this was NOT normal, and none of them could fathom going through their entire lives that way. I’ll never forget my mother’s reaction: she couldn’t keep herself from tearing up when she heard how things had really been for me and said she couldn’t imagine how difficult a life/marriage without touch or intimacy had been. She couldn’t help but hug me because “everyone needs hugs” and I knew then that if I chose to leave my SM, I would have support. Some people were shocked because we had “the perfect marriage”, right? But others were not as they had seen firsthand how completely disconnected he and I were. I think my life changed when I started opening up about it to more people. Prior to that I felt shame about my situation. Once I realized there was nothing for ME to feel shameful for, I reached out, moved forward, and didn’t look back. For me, my support system was instrumental. But not in making staying easier, in making leaving easier. I explained to my sister I'd been living in a sexless marriage and it had been years since my ex and I had had sex her first question was "well how are the blowjobs?" The idea of a true sexless marriage was alien to her. When I clarified that in a sexless marriage, there were, indeed, no blowjobs, she had the saddest look you can imagine on her face and gave me a big hug. Your post reminded me of that. This shit is NOT normal. The first friend I confided in, said the same thing. It took a lot to say something and his reaction sent me back into my dark place. |
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Post by flashjohn on Oct 24, 2018 15:17:48 GMT -5
Yes, my friends & family were very supportive. It helped a lot.
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jetcity
Junior Member
Searching for an answer
Posts: 62 
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by jetcity on Oct 29, 2018 13:51:03 GMT -5
I haven’t told anyone yet, except, obviously, the people on this forum. My Dad and I don’t really talk about personal matters and I know if I talked to my Mom or my sister the whole world would know about it by the end of the day. I do have a very close friend from high school I keep in touch with and in our last conversation I hinted there was something i needed to talk about.
It’s kind of an embarrassing thing to talk about with someone you know IRL. My wife and I have been married more than 20 years and our friends and family always hold us up as an example of a lasting marriage. I love my wife and I don’t want to put her down or disparage her in any way. Our SM is more of a health issue with her, not something we can change or get counseling for. Being on this forum and hearing other stories of people in similar situations does help though.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 30, 2018 8:52:24 GMT -5
Like choosinghappy, my mom’s reaction was pivotal. I had already decided to leave, wrote my folks a letter with “the basics” & went to visit to discuss in person. The letter included an attribution that our relationship had changed because of the prostate cancer and it’s treatments. Mom suspected back at the time of surgery, in fact, that this could be untenable. When I visited 3 years later to go over why I was initiating divorce, she had a response of tears & understanding. My mom is 91, Dad 93. They have 11 children and are devoted Catholics. 4 of those kids have divorced before me (thank goodness). But I think she adjusted to mine the quickest because in her religious training- it’s not a marriage without sex. I never would have suspected that attitude in her. But I sure was relieved by that response. |
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Nov 4, 2018 22:09:58 GMT -5
I have told both of my parents individually (they're divorced themselves), and they are pretty understanding, especially my dad. I've told the handful of very close girlfriends who have been there without fail for me, and all have been supportive in ways I never imagined. And this forum, and the people on it, have helped just as much, if not more than, my therapist and others.
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rich
New Member
Married for 40 fucking years and six more.
Posts: 11
Age Range: 66-70
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Post by rich on Nov 16, 2018 4:08:56 GMT -5
I've told a few friends but most wouldn't believe me if I did. Most people who know me and my wife think we have the perfect marriage. We never 'needed' to stay married because we never had children or financial problems.
The only ones I've told are two married-male friends who are in the same situation. And, as a matter of fact, they feel the way I do and don't intend to ever leave their marriages. I also told one female friend. She was a high school classmate and, quite honestly, a real looker then and still is now. She married another classmate who was very popular in school. He and I were officers on the state's Jaycees and got even better acquainted through that. Anyway, she told me that she found out that he wasn't interested in sex right after they married. She is very much interested in sex. I remember having a few drinks with her during a time when she and her husband were separated and she made it very clear that his lack of sexual interested was the reason. At that time my wife and I were still very sexually active or, to be honest, I would have succumbed to my attraction to this young woman. They, latter on, got back together for the sake of their children and grandchildren. I must admit that during the past six plus years of celibacy and my email exchanges with this woman, I've considered seeing her again for more than just drinks. But, you know what, it's been helpful just knowing that the option is available even though I don't think I could ever do it.
The funniest thing is that I often think about how the oldest woman I've ever had sex with was 59 (my wife is now 65). This former classmate of mine is now 69. Now what a perfect number for a sexual escapade, huh?
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