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Post by Deleted on Oct 4, 2018 19:25:18 GMT -5
Some of you might remember me. It is I, Earthhorse, he who has lived in a sexless marriage for 5 years. Now on third marital counselor. Moved from the West Coast to the Midwest to seek better schools for my kid with special needs. But the thing I did NOT find? A little TLC. Our relationship has gone from no sex to no foreplay to no kissing to no physical contact. And I finally found the right combination of friends, shit hitting the fan, and decent therapist to help me see the writing on the wall.
As I told a friend last week, I woke up one day and just realized I had run out of f*cks to give. I just can no longer give a f*ck about her.
So last week she told me SHE wanted to move out. I agreed. The next day, she revised her story for our therapist, said I was the one who wanted to move out. And after I said I wasn't willing to do a trial separation, she walked out of the session. A few hours later, she canceled my car insurance, canceled my phone number of 7 years, and announced she was taking a full time job with benefits. I have reason to believe she has been intentionally excluding me from a host of (admittedly minor) things for years, then belittling me for not being more involved. Interesting.
Here I am in the great in-between. We own a giant ass house, need to stay in the school district, and seem to be sort of seeing what the other person is going to do next. My therapist is encouraging me to just be a detective this week, seek what's going on, and not get bullied around. I suppose the next step is figuring out the logistics of moving out.
We have two kids. I am going to fight for 50/50. We have some money, though I don't care about money other than it hopefully buying me a house (it is cheaper here than the west coast). Kids, it's been a multi-year journey. Some of you have encouraged me through it, and in a way, I'm happy/sad to see some of the same familiar faces. If I can ask one last favor: what were people's moving out stories?
State law here is that I can either file a Dissolution or Divorce. Dissolution is cheaper, faster, more effective, easier to gain consensus, and less painful. But it takes two, and let's just say this whole marriage has been a little lopsided for a good 9 years now, so...who knows. Divorce has a mandatory 1 year waiting period from filing to granting. Which honestly, whatever. I have received some advice about filing a halt payment (i forget the term) to keep her legally accountable is she does any more funny stuff with money. But I am going slowly for now, though I feel like the heat is about to pick up really quickly.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 4, 2018 19:53:51 GMT -5
See an attorney first thing in the morning, and get a halt put on your money. Withdraw money and freeze accounts.Find out if she can legally cancel your auto insurance. It sounds like she has a leg up on you and has been planning this for some time (voice of experience). You can catch up, and her actions may very well be in your favor.
I am truly sorry that you are having to go through this. "Through" is the key. Remember that during your tribulations.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 4, 2018 20:24:14 GMT -5
Very happy for you EarthHorse! You're headed towards hope, even if the ride there is a rough one. Glad you came back to update us!
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Post by baza on Oct 4, 2018 20:34:35 GMT -5
In my situation I had only one minor kid, so what I say might not be useful. But here's my leaving story.
It is October 26th 2009. I have taken legal advice (back in 2007) and I plan an orderly split in January 2010. Out of an innocuous conversation a trigger point emerges and blows things up. But I am pretty much "ready" for this. 24 hours later I am outta there. I leave and head up country in my 1996 Ford with a suitcase, my golf clubs, my diaries and an old laptop, and $4 grand in my pocket. I house sit a mates old farm house and baby sit his pup 'Billy', a crazy Jack Russell. I get a job, I volunteer at a local charity. I rent a house in town eventually...I live extremely frugally. Once the heat dies down a bit I consult with my missus and we thrash out a split and do it by executing a "Binding Financial Agreement" which splits the joint assets. Things calm down a lot. My missus and I develop a new relationship. When I visit the kids I even stay with her in the old marital house. We have a rubber stamp divorce in 2011.
Suggestion ? Be on your lawyers door step tomorrow morning. Be prepared for a fair bit of angst short term. Be assured that it will all work out given a bit of time. Be also aware that it will NOT work out perfectly. Be absolutely assured that you can do this, you will survive, and you'll be fine. But short term it's going to be a bitch.
Addendum -Where's my manners ? Of course I remember you Brother @earthhorse . Good to see you again mate.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 5, 2018 19:56:51 GMT -5
baza I always did and always will like you. Blessing. greatcoastal Shit, wish I would have seen your advice first thing this morning. I am speaking with a few attorneys, so I'll have to make it through the weekend. Hopefully she doesn't drain it all tomorrow. @elle Mad love for you. Congrats on leaving! I have heard from more than a few that dropping me from insurance might be illegal. Luckily, I have an email from her telling me she did it (a little sloppy--out of character for her). She seems to have calmed down some, but it's walking on eggshells. My strategy is to keep her close to me this weekend. We'll see how it goes. I know she spoke with an attorney today, so I am a little behind. But emotionally ahead of her at least. The crazy thing is how much shit has come to the surface. I realize now just how entrenched in her miasma I have been for years, basically making myself so small that I erased myself. It feels like I'm waking up from a long dream. Oh, and another crazy thing: I backed away from this message board for a long time because: a) I was letting myself get hopeful again, b) I was secretly afraid I made the wrong decision by trying to hang in there, c) I was still in that fucking terrible spider web of emotional abuse. I am pretty clear now in calling our her behavior of years as low-level emotional abuse. For years she made me to feel like I was the jerk for telling her I had emotional needs. We had a moment the other night where I said, "You have neglected me for years. You haven't touched me. I feel worthless when I'm around you. I've been dead and empty inside. I don't remember the last time we kissed. I wish you wanted me." Her classic response? "I'm sorry you feel that way." Fuuuuuuuuuuck you!
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Post by Handy on Oct 5, 2018 20:18:06 GMT -5
EarthHorse "I'm sorry you feel that way." is saying she doesn't care. It is a way to not engage and a way to avoid an argument. It is a way to say your opinion or wants do not count. Your W has been emotionally out of the marriage for a long time. She is just making her detachment official.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 5, 2018 20:52:36 GMT -5
I will never truly understand the concept of splitting everything 50/50 with the sole exception of parenting.
I truly feel for you if you have to "fight" for equal time with your kids. It's not good for the kids nor for the parents.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 5, 2018 21:05:42 GMT -5
So, you have the weekend. Not going to see an attorney but you can start getting your ducks in a row. Download the past years worth of every financial statement you have. Create a log for the past year and document everything you have done with the kids to show you are an integral part of their lives. Every baseball game, dance recital, school open house, etc... If that list is smaller than you like start planning things to do with the kids. You own this now. Propose a custody plan with the stbx. One week with you one with her. Put her on the defensive to show why you SHOULDN'T be equally involved in their lives. Send email to kids school (registrar) and make sure you are listed as a guardian on their profiles. You need to get involved in the school information flow if you haven't been. This is doable brother, but you need to man up and stand your ground. It doesn't mean you need to start WWIII. It does, however, mean you need to find your voice. I'll have more later (jumping on a plane to see ballofconfusion). I've been there brother. Find that voice and you'll never be the same again.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 5, 2018 21:15:33 GMT -5
Oh, and this one should go without saying but DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE. You may find getting back in to be difficult.
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Post by javba on Oct 5, 2018 21:16:44 GMT -5
baza I always did and always will like you. Blessing. greatcoastal Shit, wish I would have seen your advice first thing this morning. I am speaking with a few attorneys, so I'll have to make it through the weekend. Hopefully she doesn't drain it all tomorrow. @elle Mad love for you. Congrats on leaving! I have heard from more than a few that dropping me from insurance might be illegal. Luckily, I have an email from her telling me she did it (a little sloppy--out of character for her). She seems to have calmed down some, but it's walking on eggshells. My strategy is to keep her close to me this weekend. We'll see how it goes. I know she spoke with an attorney today, so I am a little behind. But emotionally ahead of her at least. The crazy thing is how much shit has come to the surface. I realize now just how entrenched in her miasma I have been for years, basically making myself so small that I erased myself. It feels like I'm waking up from a long dream. Oh, and another crazy thing: I backed away from this message board for a long time because: a) I was letting myself get hopeful again, b) I was secretly afraid I made the wrong decision by trying to hang in there, c) I was still in that fucking terrible spider web of emotional abuse. I am pretty clear now in calling our her behavior of years as low-level emotional abuse. For years she made me to feel like I was the jerk for telling her I had emotional needs. We had a moment the other night where I said, "You have neglected me for years. You haven't touched me. I feel worthless when I'm around you. I've been dead and empty inside. I don't remember the last time we kissed. I wish you wanted me." Her classic response? "I'm sorry you feel that way." Fuuuuuuuuuuck you! Hey man where you at in the Midwest? I'm around Schaumburg IL.
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Post by javba on Oct 5, 2018 21:17:37 GMT -5
So, you have the weekend. Not going to see an attorney but you can start getting your ducks in a row. Download the past years worth of every financial statement you have. Create a log for the past year and document everything you have done with the kids to show you are an integral part of their lives. Every baseball game, dance recital, school open house, etc... If that list is smaller than you like start planning things to do with the kids. You own this now. Propose a custody plan with the stbx. One week with you one with her. Put her on the defensive to show why you SHOULDN'T be equally involved in their lives. Send email to kids school (registrar) and make sure you are listed as a guardian on their profiles. You need to get involved in the school information flow if you haven't been. This is doable brother, but you need to man up and stand your ground. It doesn't mean you need to start WWIII. It does, however, mean you need to find your voice. I'll have more later (jumping on a plane to see ballofconfusion). I've been there brother. Find that voice and you'll never be the same again. Safe travels Give BOC BIG hug from the group
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Post by shamwow on Oct 5, 2018 21:18:27 GMT -5
Oh, also one more thing. Do. Not. Move. Out. Of. The. House.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 5, 2018 21:24:54 GMT -5
So, you have the weekend. Not going to see an attorney but you can start getting your ducks in a row. Download the past years worth of every financial statement you have. Create a log for the past year and document everything you have done with the kids to show you are an integral part of their lives. Every baseball game, dance recital, school open house, etc... If that list is smaller than you like start planning things to do with the kids. You own this now. Propose a custody plan with the stbx. One week with you one with her. Put her on the defensive to show why you SHOULDN'T be equally involved in their lives. Send email to kids school (registrar) and make sure you are listed as a guardian on their profiles. You need to get involved in the school information flow if you haven't been. This is doable brother, but you need to man up and stand your ground. It doesn't mean you need to start WWIII. It does, however, mean you need to find your voice. I'll have more later (jumping on a plane to see ballofconfusion). I've been there brother. Find that voice and you'll never be the same again. Safe travels Give BOC BIG hug from the group She will be getting a hug in about 3 1/2 hours or so. It, however, will be a highly inappropriate hug and purely a one on one kind of thing. It will be an interesting evening though. Balancing her sick daughter (17 year old with a painful ear infection) with naked time. I suspect naked time will win 😜
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Post by javba on Oct 5, 2018 21:26:11 GMT -5
Oh, also one more thing. Do. Not. Move. Out. Of. The. House. Great advice Sham, what about emptying joint accounts, of course that'll be accounted for later but one will not be Stone ass broke
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Post by shamwow on Oct 5, 2018 21:32:42 GMT -5
Oh, also one more thing. Do. Not. Move. Out. Of. The. House. Great advice Sham, what about emptying joint accounts, of course that'll be accounted for later but one will not be Stone ass broke I'm not a lawyer but if it were me I would take half. The only reason for this is because of her behavior in canceling insurance and cell phone. Defending the behavior of securing your half can be easily justified in that context IMHO. But I'm not a lawyer or a judge. Note. I did not do this myself, but that is because my ex and I behaved like adults and because we BOTH did so were able to avoid the food fight. All it takes is one to throw spaghetti at the other, though. OK. Wheels up. I'll check back some time tomorrow. I've got some, uh, plans for the rest of the evening. 😉
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