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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Sept 23, 2018 2:05:11 GMT -5
I've been sleeping in my own room for about three and a half years. I moved into the guest room because I got so tired of the rejection from my wife on so many levels. I can't share a bed with someone like that.
That's just the sex reasons for not sleeping with my wife. She also radiates a LOT of heat, she is a bed hog, and she likes the snooze bar whereas I get up when I hear an alarm.
Besides, I like sleeping in the middle of the bed.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2018 15:51:40 GMT -5
Moved into another bedroom over a year ago now that all the kids are in College. It started when I was sick and coughing all night but now it's a win/win. She doesn't have to worry about sex and I can watch Star Trek.
It's not a big marriage step as far as I'm concerned. If you weren't having sex then it won't move the needle either way. In some ways I feel like it was a good take control move for me.
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Post by frustrated on Dec 1, 2018 4:23:58 GMT -5
I moved into our spare room a few weeks ago. I did it out of hurt and anger, really. I soon found it was easier because I didn’t face the daily rejection. Honestly, part of me wanted him to ask me to come back to our shared bed. The realization that he hasn’t is harsh. I was glad to read others have common feelings about this. I’m still questioning my true feelings for my situation. Knowing others are experiencing similar issues has helped me evaluate myself.
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Post by h on Dec 1, 2018 7:51:17 GMT -5
I moved into our spare room a few weeks ago. I did it out of hurt and anger, really. I soon found it was easier because I didn’t face the daily rejection. Honestly, part of me wanted him to ask me to come back to our shared bed. The realization that he hasn’t is harsh. I was glad to read others have common feelings about this. I’m still questioning my true feelings for my situation. Knowing others are experiencing similar issues has helped me evaluate myself. The fact that he hasn't asked you to come back to bed is your answer. He's probably happy with the separate sleeping arrangements. It feels harsh now, but you will be grateful later that he has shown you his true self. The longer you continue to sleep apart, the easier it will be to accept. Stay strong. We're here for you. |
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 1, 2018 12:07:04 GMT -5
I moved into our spare room a few weeks ago. I did it out of hurt and anger, really. I soon found it was easier because I didn’t face the daily rejection. Honestly, part of me wanted him to ask me to come back to our shared bed. The realization that he hasn’t is harsh. People can be epically bad at facing confrontation / awkward situations. He might just as easily want it but is too stubborn or chicken to raise the topic. Meanwhile, a new “normal” is being established by default. If he won’t raise the discussion, you should. It would be worth you “opening the door” in a conversation with a comment like “I was hoping that sleeping in the other bedroom would have spurred some conversation from you. That you’d at least express a desire to have me back. I don’t even feel welcome there.” Hopefully, some direct comments will prod him to open up and express how he feels about the situation; it might cement things if he sticks to a stubborn position, or it might lead to some meaningful conversations. |
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Post by Handy on Dec 1, 2018 13:03:42 GMT -5
H
He's probably happy with the separate sleeping arrangements.
DryCreek
People can be epically bad at facing confrontation / awkward situations. He might just as easily want it but is too stubborn or chicken to raise the topic. Meanwhile, a new “normal” is being established by default.
I think DryCreek has the better answer.
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Post by frustrated on Dec 2, 2018 3:41:23 GMT -5
I did bring up the conversation. He said he figured I wasn’t feeling well or something. 🙄 It did get me to thinking about true my motive though. All I know for sure is I’m building a wall between us. I can see other things slipping, morning hugs for one. My behavior is saying I don’t want this. My true feelings are I do want this, but want it my way, which isn’t the case. So the self searching continues.
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Post by cutiecakes on Dec 2, 2018 22:49:40 GMT -5
I feel like i have some kind of control when i choose to sleep on the couch every night. I know he enjoys cuddling before bed, and it feels like i get to make him feel the same kind of rejection i feel when he wakes up alone. I know with all my heart that this is not healthy behavior. I am just so hurt and angry i feel like a tiny victory when I'm the one making the choice.
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Post by jamesbonding on Dec 2, 2018 23:41:12 GMT -5
cutiecakes, welcome to the forum no one wants to be a member of. Have you told your husband clearly why you are sleeping on the couch? Don't expect him to read your mind, and don't expect him to start a conversation about it. I have a pretty good idea how you feel (nearly everyone on this forum has been in a sexless marriage situation), but I would say that if you don't talk about it with your husband, nothing will improve, it will just get worse. You could say something like "Do you like cuddling with me at bedtime? ... Well, I like it too. But I also like to have sex every so often. And if we just cuddle, I get horny and frustrated. So I'm going to sleep on the couch for a while, to reduce the frustration. If you want to have sex, let me know. Anytime!"
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Post by cutiecakes on Dec 2, 2018 23:53:36 GMT -5
jamesbondingThank you for your input. Let me clarify first: I am in a long-term relationship (there are however, no forums for the unmarried). Though I don't think i have ever said those exact words, I think we both know the reason. I could probably take the time to talk to him about this, but after many talks about our intimacy issues, I have come to learn that those talks only seem to make him want intimacy even less and induce anxiety even more. I know how important communication is, and i am more than willing to talk and work on ANYTHING. But its very difficult when your partner refuses to show you that same courtesy. Thank you for your thoughts!
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Post by jamesbonding on Dec 3, 2018 2:53:21 GMT -5
cutiecakes , unless you have some specific reason for believing otherwise, the chances of your boyfriend becoming more sexual with you are very slim. frustrated is unmarried and in a similar situation. You might find it useful to read her thread at iliasm.org/thread/4919/new
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Post by Handy on Dec 3, 2018 17:21:02 GMT -5
Cutiecakes, I see you posted on another SM forum. How about copying that other post and place it here. It has some very relevant information and I think this forum will be of more help.
To living with someone isn't much different than what married folks face. Married just complicates things.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 4, 2018 12:43:12 GMT -5
Cutiecakes wrote:”I know how important communication is, and i am more than willing to talk and work on ANYTHING. But its very difficult when your partner refuses to show you that same courtesy. ”
You can’t talk your partner into sexually desiring you any more than he can talk you into not wanting a sexual relationship with him. You are not compatible.
Not being married means it would be easier for you to get out of the relationship than if you were legally bound. Whether you choose to end the relationship is up to you. But expecting to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with your partner is unrealistic.
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muzack
Junior Member
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Post by muzack on Dec 8, 2018 23:06:57 GMT -5
I am debating with myself to make moving into the guest bed a New Years resolution.
Wife said today that she just doesn't feel like sex anymore. She is attributing it to pre-menopause (age 46), but honestly we have only had sex 2-3 times a year for the last 5 years and maybe once every month or two for the decade before that. And almost all of that was starfish sex.
She also told me today that some of the problem is things I am doing, (kissing to aggressively, touching places she doesn't find erogenous, etc.). Nothing that she hasn't complained about before, but a little more blunt this time.
I can understand the sentiment above that moving to another bed can feel like the only thing left in your control. 17+ years of marriage and sex has pretty much always been on her terms and her timing. Always said she couldn't make herself feel different when I initiated.
I know January won't go over well. She has gotten pretty hurt the two times I have slept in the guest bed after arguments in the past. But now, I increasingly get a mix on negative feelings sleeping in the same bed.
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Post by michael on Dec 9, 2018 5:29:03 GMT -5
My wife and I sleep separately too. Except I sleep on the couch. I have for about five years. I want to buy my own house but I doubt I could afford it since I would still have to pay every single one of her bills too. She has never paid a hydro, cable, internet, mortgage, etc. bill in her life. I work five twelve hour shifts a week. All this so I can live in a messy house, sleep on the couch, and actually have supper cooked for me maybe four times a week if I’m lucky. Which I eat by myself because her and the kids eat together as a family when I’m not there. Sorry to rant, but it is early morning and I’m laying on the fucking couch.
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