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Post by flashjohn on Aug 30, 2018 15:48:06 GMT -5
For those of you who have made the decision to stay, do you feel that people here have bullied you?
I was in my sexless marriage (by definition, 10 times or less per year) for 28 years, and 30 by the time my divorce is finalized. So I really do understand the desire to stay. I stayed for a very long time.
So if I have bullied anyone, I offer my sincere apologies.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 30, 2018 17:43:40 GMT -5
flashjohn you haven't bullied me. Thank you for that. I can't speak for the others, however. I have felt bullied by others here. Publicly outing an individual's behavior isn't my style. Their posts may or may not have been reported. A word for those who take the one-size-fits-all approach to dealing with a sexless marriage: walk a mile in my Danskos and then reassess. We're here for support and camaraderie, not to constantly be told to get a divorce.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 30, 2018 17:52:37 GMT -5
@andie
I agree there is no cookie cutter solutions, and despite the fact that there are a lot of similarities to SM, each marriage is like a snowflake. So many variables that make leaving not always the best choice.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 30, 2018 17:57:13 GMT -5
@andie I agree there is no cookie cutter solutions, and despite the fact that there are a lot of similarities to SM, each marriage is like a snowflake. So many variables that make leaving not always the best choice. This is why I'm proud to know you. |
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Post by baza on Aug 30, 2018 18:01:32 GMT -5
I think there is way more bullying going on in our respective ILIASM marriages than there is in this discussion group.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 30, 2018 18:21:58 GMT -5
I think there is way more bullying going on in our respective ILIASM marriages than there is in this discussion group. I agree. I only recall seeing about four instances of what I would consider as bullying on here. The bullying strategies were as varied as were the seeming motivating factors. None of the instances seemed to relate to the target's choice to stay. |
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Post by twotimesone on Aug 30, 2018 20:41:04 GMT -5
When I logged in today someone here pmed me with the title "You just chose poorly" because I chose to stay. Personally, I wasn't offended but I wonder what makes people say things like this.
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Post by workingonit on Aug 30, 2018 20:52:24 GMT -5
Yikes. I feel like there is a leaving vibe but I have not ever felt bullied. All of my pm communication has been supportive and life saving!
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Post by wewbwb on Aug 30, 2018 20:57:20 GMT -5
I think there is way more bullying going on in our respective ILIASM marriages than there is in this discussion group. While I think this is probably true , I know that everyone is making what they feel is the best decision for themselves . I'm also sure that we aren't being told the entire story . To quote snowman12345 "There are two sides to every story , and snowman12345 is the asshole in both of them . " Wise words indeed. |
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Post by wewbwb on Aug 30, 2018 21:00:36 GMT -5
@andie , each marriage is like a snowflake Yes bballgirl , Cold and I want it to stop before I need to get a shovel .  |
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Post by baza on Aug 30, 2018 21:04:36 GMT -5
If you are choosing on a fully informed basis, that puts you ahead of the pack Brother twotimesone . You choose, you own and take responsibility for that choice, and there is a level of 'peace of mind' that comes with that. You shed any "victim" thinking you might have had. "What" you chose is entirely your business, but is obviously "right" for you at this time. This un-named private messenger you refer to may have a differing opinion. He/she might do well to concentrate on their own choices. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 30, 2018 21:05:21 GMT -5
@andie , each marriage is like a snowflake Yes bballgirl , Cold and I want it to stop before I need to get a shovel . Cold as a Frigidaire! ( I've always liked that clever comparison!) |
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 30, 2018 21:07:09 GMT -5
Consider how many jobs we’ve each had in life. And every one of them required leaving the last one. It’s common; still, people stay in jobs they hate, longer than they “should”, for all kinds of reasons. They find ways to make it work. I’d argue that leaving a marriage is a bigger deal than quitting a job. Maybe with even more reasons to stay, despite some parts that really suck. So, I don’t find it surprising that some folks choose to stay, and look for ways to make it work. Why not respect it? (And I don’t recall you pressuring anyone, flashjohn, only being passionate about your own situation and second wind.) |
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Post by hopingforachange on Aug 30, 2018 21:13:12 GMT -5
I've never felt bullied, but there is pressure on the forum to divorce but this is due to having an almost zero chance in turning the marriage and.
I think the choosing to stay board will help. And as long as we strive to support the member, then we can't be in the wrong.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Aug 31, 2018 1:20:47 GMT -5
For those of you who have made the decision to stay, do you feel that people here have bullied you?
I was in my sexless marriage (by definition, 10 times or less per year) for 28 years, and 30 by the time my divorce is finalized. So I really do understand the desire to stay. I stayed for a very long time.
So if I have bullied anyone, I offer my sincere apologies.
Sorry about your 28 years. I never felt bullied here |
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