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Post by snowman12345 on Aug 31, 2018 5:27:17 GMT -5
flashjohn you haven't bullied me. Thank you for that. I can't speak for the others, however. I have felt bullied by others here. Publicly outing an individual's behavior isn't my style. Their posts may or may not have been reported. A word for those who take the one-size-fits-all approach to dealing with a sexless marriage: walk a mile in my Danskos and then reassess. We're here for support and camaraderie, not to constantly be told to get a divorce. Does this mean I have to take them off?  |
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Post by snowman12345 on Aug 31, 2018 5:35:17 GMT -5
I think there is way more bullying going on in our respective ILIASM marriages than there is in this discussion group. While I think this is probably true , I know that everyone is making what they feel is the best decision for themselves . I'm also sure that we aren't being told the entire story . To quote snowman12345 "There are two sides to every story , and snowman12345 is the asshole in both of them . " Wise words indeed.  |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2018 5:35:53 GMT -5
snowman12345 if you could fit your snowy feet into an EU 38, be my guest. They're pretty comfy.
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Post by WindSister on Aug 31, 2018 9:07:01 GMT -5
I can get quite passionate and opinionated, for sure. Sometimes I let my own perspective cloud my vision to clearly SEE others. So, sometimes I'm to be ignored, no doubt.
I like that this board is here because even if you get out of your SM into a new relationship, no matter how great it is, trust me, you still have to work on things. No one is perfect. No one can fulfill you, completely. In the end, even in a great relationship, you ultimately only have yourself. Does that make sense?
But..... there are instances leaving is the only way to improve your life. But.... yeah, who am I to say when and for who that rings true?
Man, this life stuff is tough!
My passion in life is contentment (not the boring, zombie kind but the joy-filled kind). We can achieve that no matter where we are in life. It's an inside job. Not easy, not free from pain and tears, but there is joy in pain, too, when one is living authentically. Joy is not as fluffy as happy, in my vocabulary.
"Choosing"..... a powerful word. When we are actively choosing life kinda works itself out. One way or another. Sometimes in ways we never imagined.
The question is WHAT are you choosing?
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Post by flashjohn on Aug 31, 2018 10:08:54 GMT -5
Thanks folks. I haven't seen anyone bully others into leaving, but I could have been wrong. I guess I see a lot of people saying the same things I used to say back when I was still convinced that I was staying until I died.
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Post by workingonit on Sept 1, 2018 19:53:24 GMT -5
I wanted to say something else on this topic.
You know when you meet someone who has achieved something you have wanted to achieve and they seem to know something you don't?
Like you want to lose weight and a friend tried x diet and feels great, looks great, and is encouraging you to do it? Now it may be the wrong diet for you. There is not one diet that is right for evryone, after all. But they radiate energy and they look great and they keep telling you about their diet.
Or, if you have ever worked with addicts. How recovered addicts make the best counselors for addicts. It is like they know a secret that they can let the addicts in on because they have been in similar shoes.
So the folks on this board who have left and been reborn. They wake from their SM deal and realize they have been freed from suffering - often more than they even knew they had. How can they not share with those that are still in? How can they help but seem like "know it alls" (as accused in a recent post) when they have learned something new that those still in don't see?
It can seem pushy but really is not. You say you want to lose weight, your friend is telling you and showing you how. Even if it is wrong for you, it is what you wanted to know. How can they not answer your question with their truth?
And not one of us comes to this board without needing something to change. Even if we are staying, we don't google "sexless marriage" until we are pretty fucking desperate to NOT feel what we are feeling.
In 12 step a person who is longer in recovery will say to a newbie "if you want what I have, do what I do." That is not bullying to my way of thinking.
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Post by baza on Sept 1, 2018 20:47:28 GMT -5
As a re-known cheapskate, I have a fiscal anecdote to endorse what Sister workingonit has posted above. It is June 2009. The Commonwealth bank floated on the stock market in June 2007 and you could buy in at at $4. At June 2009, 2 years down the track, the price is $8. I say - "shit, I wish I had bought in at $4 2 years ago. Oh well, there you go, I missed out there" It is now June 2011, the CBA shares are now at $16. I say - "shit, I wish I had got in at $4 4 years ago or at $8 2 years ago. Oh well, there you go, I missed out there" It is now June 2013, the CBA shares are at $32. I say - "shit, I wish I had got in at $4 6 years ago, or $8 4 years ago or $16 2 years ago. Oh well, there you go, I missed out there" etc etc etc etc. Now we can all be smart looking out the rear view mirror, but the point is that at any time between June 2007 and September 2018 I could have bought in to CBA shares. There was opportunity after opportunity after opportunity to do so. Indeed, the price of a CBA share at the close on 31st August was $71:24. I could go out on Monday 3rd September and buy in at $71.24. The relevance to an ILIASM deal is that there is a price to be paid "today" (whenever today is) and invariably that price goes up the longer the situation rolls on. "Today" the price is $71:24. If you want *in* (or in an ILIASM deal - *out*) that's the price. *Today* you ain't going to get a CBA share for $4 bucks. You do something now, or you don't. You can if you like, do nothing and in June 2020 look at the CBA price of say $110:00 and say - "shit, I wish I had got in at $4 13 years ago, or $8 11 years ago or $16 9 years ago or $71:24 back in 2018. Oh well, there you go, I missed out there" Now obviously before you purchased any shares you did your due diligence to assure yourself (as far as you could) that the underlying asset position and growth potential were sound before you chose to have a crack at them. Not all shares are "good value" so you have to make a fully informed choice. At some point, you stop saying - "Oh well there you go, I missed out there" and resolve that the next opportunity is going to be seized. |
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Post by shamwow on Sept 2, 2018 16:27:06 GMT -5
I wanted to say something else on this topic. You know when you meet someone who has achieved something you have wanted to achieve and they seem to know something you don't? Like you want to lose weight and a friend tried x diet and feels great, looks great, and is encouraging you to do it? Now it may be the wrong diet for you. There is not one diet that is right for evryone, after all. But they radiate energy and they look great and they keep telling you about their diet. Or, if you have ever worked with addicts. How recovered addicts make the best counselors for addicts. It is like they know a secret that they can let the addicts in on because they have been in similar shoes. So the folks on this board who have left and been reborn. They wake from their SM deal and realize they have been freed from suffering - often more than they even knew they had. How can they not share with those that are still in? How can they help but seem like "know it alls" (as accused in a recent post) when they have learned something new that those still in don't see? It can seem pushy but really is not. You say you want to lose weight, your friend is telling you and showing you how. Even if it is wrong for you, it is what you wanted to know. How can they not answer your question with their truth? And not one of us comes to this board without needing something to change. Even if we are staying, we don't google "sexless marriage" until we are pretty fucking desperate to NOT feel what we are feeling. In 12 step a person who is longer in recovery will say to a newbie "if you want what I have, do what I do." That is not bullying to my way of thinking. In AA step 12 is: “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.” When I was drinking, someone telling me about the benefits of sobriety would have seemed condescending. Even bullying. But once sober I could see where that person was coming from. A parallel can be made when getting out of my SM. But unlike alcoholism which it is hard to find any redeeming qualities on, a SM is a bit more grey. But sometimes it is hard to resist that post SM "step 12". I apologize if it is seen as bullying. But that is where much of it comes from. |
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Post by solodriver on Sept 2, 2018 22:41:01 GMT -5
Yes bballgirl , Cold and I want it to stop before I need to get a shovel .  Cold as a Frigidaire! ( I've always liked that clever comparison!) My Frigidaire is so cold when she spreads her legs a light comes on! |
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