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Post by sweetplumeria on Aug 30, 2018 13:31:22 GMT -5
I wasn't sure where in our threads to write but because of another post, I thought here....
My husband came in and began talking to me. He asked me a bunch of questions and then twisted my answers. This is a common tactic of his and even though I know that, it doesn't stop the feelings that follow. He likes to make me feel bad. Mostly I think he maneuvers me into feeling bad so i will do whatever task he wants done.
I dont want to hear anyone say I am in charge of my feelings. I know thats true but I am trying to deal with psychological warfare on an ongoing basis. I occasionally wonder if the lack of sex started because he found power in refusing me. I took my power back in that area and we haven't had sex in 5 years. But this emotional stuff is draining me. I am completely shut down at the moment.
How does one survive.... Isnt it sad that our marriage turns into something to survive? Frankly I don't know if I can make it.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 30, 2018 15:36:08 GMT -5
I wasn't sure where in our threads to write but because of another post, I thought here.... My husband came in and began talking to me. He asked me a bunch of questions and then twisted my answers. This is a common tactic of his and even though I know that, it doesn't stop the feelings that follow. He likes to make me feel bad. Mostly I think he maneuvers me into feeling bad so i will do whatever task he wants done. You can take the power back by not playing his game. As soon as he twists an answer calmly tell him that isn't what you said, this conversation is over and walk away. And go to another room and close the door. It will be hard but you have to break the pattern. |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 30, 2018 16:55:57 GMT -5
I would practice a verbatim response for when he plays this game.
Rehearse it and memorize it sort of like we did when we were in school.
Then stay calm on the inside, maybe even roll your eyes and smile - that will really aggravate him then let him have it with whatever monologue you choose to go with, then like @shynjdude stated end the conversation and leave the room. Also don’t feel bad and don’t do anything for him.
Poor behavior has consequences.
My monologue would be something like this:
“Who the fuck do you think your are talking to me like this and then twisting around my answers? I answered your questions and if you don’t like the answer that’s your problem. I’m not going to continue this discussion because it’s a waste of my time”.
Also phrases like
“We will have to agree to disagree” and “fuck off” are useful.
Then leave the room.
I’m sorry you are feeling this way and had to go through that.
Hang in there.
Hugs
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Post by workingonit on Aug 30, 2018 20:11:17 GMT -5
I know the twisting. I get that too. I have been breaking the pattern unilaterally. Hard but ....kinda awesome.
You got this!!
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Post by sweetplumeria on Aug 30, 2018 20:35:05 GMT -5
I know the twisting. I get that too. I have been breaking the pattern unilaterally. Hard but ....kinda awesome. You got this!! unilaterally... how? How do you see it coming? |
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Post by workingonit on Aug 30, 2018 20:50:45 GMT -5
Sometimes I am still not prepared but once I see what is happening I feel like I witness my patterned response and I just don't do it. I will say other neutral things "that sounds hard for you" or similar. I am also willing for him to be hurt or angry or whatever. I then POINT OUT the way his behavior and my traditional reactions are toxic and I cannot do it anymore. I am clear, firm and calm. Really!
I have had surprisingly excellent results. He is actually becoming aware of his own behavior a little.
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 30, 2018 22:18:03 GMT -5
I’m reminded of a scene from an old movie, La Femme Nikita, in which the innocent girl forced to become an assassin is taught to react with a smile and a catchphrase to control herself in a bad situation.
“I never did mind the little things” was her outward substitute for “I will kill you in your sleep”.
Kinda like how southern women will say “Well, bless your heart” when they really mean “You f’ing asshole”.
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Post by baza on Aug 31, 2018 0:28:59 GMT -5
One technique I got a lot of mileage out of was the "broken record".
"I can see why you might think that" - repeated constantly as a response to any question or statement put to you.
Initially, this will cause puzzlement to whoever is trying to manipulate you.
Keep doing it.
Then it will probably get them angry.
Keep doing it, keep deflecting.
Then they'll probably get exasperated - perhaps even mimicking and mocking the phrase "I can see why you might think that"
Keep doing it.
The idea is to get them punching air. There's nothing for them to connect with under this technique, no matter how hard or often they swing.
Keep doing it.
They'll get sick of it.
Qualifier - if your spouse is (or has the ability) to start swinging for real - ie violence - then forget the above.
That scenario would require a different strategy altogether, like an urgent zipcode therapy.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Aug 31, 2018 1:15:03 GMT -5
Sometimes I am still not prepared but once I see what is happening I feel like I witness my patterned response and I just don't do it. I will say other neutral things "that sounds hard for you" or similar. I am also willing for him to be hurt or angry or whatever. I then POINT OUT the way his behavior and my traditional reactions are toxic and I cannot do it anymore. I am clear, firm and calm. Really! I have had surprisingly excellent results. He is actually becoming aware of his own behavior a little. I began to say today that "i felt..." he cut me off and said I bet you do. He just wants to win the argument... the cost is our marriage. He wins the argument loses the war. He cuts off my feelings. They no longer have value to him. |
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Post by sweetplumeria on Aug 31, 2018 1:19:28 GMT -5
I always appreciate the input Baza. I will try your technique. If he thought he could beat me up I think he would have done that already. I already have skills to deal with real threats so he keeps to mental. One technique I got a lot of mileage out of was the "broken record". "I can see why you might think that" - repeated constantly as a response to any question or statement put to you. Initially, this will cause puzzlement to whoever is trying to manipulate you. Keep doing it. Then it will probably get them angry. Keep doing it, keep deflecting. Then they'll probably get exasperated - perhaps even mimicking and mocking the phrase "I can see why you might think that" Keep doing it. The idea is to get them punching air. There's nothing for them to connect with under this technique, no matter how hard or often they swing. Keep doing it. They'll get sick of it. Qualifier - if your spouse is (or has the ability) to start swinging for real - ie violence - then forget the above. That scenario would require a different strategy altogether, like an urgent zipcode therapy. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 31, 2018 10:48:31 GMT -5
Your situation is relatable.
You mention warfare...your enemy can choose the battlefield, but you get to choose how you engage. There is power in that choice.
You have received some good advice on here. One thing that I feel has helped alot is to identify the trigger mechanisms. Once you've honed that, you are ready with your well rehearsed response.
Be prepared for a look of confusion because your partner will realize the scales have tipped.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 31, 2018 15:18:53 GMT -5
Also phrases like “We will have to agree to disagree” and “fuck off” are useful. Then leave the room. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Classic bballgirl! I love the extremes and nothing in between! |
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Post by shamwow on Aug 31, 2018 15:20:12 GMT -5
I wasn't sure where in our threads to write but because of another post, I thought here.... My husband came in and began talking to me. He asked me a bunch of questions and then twisted my answers. This is a common tactic of his and even though I know that, it doesn't stop the feelings that follow. He likes to make me feel bad. Mostly I think he maneuvers me into feeling bad so i will do whatever task he wants done. I dont want to hear anyone say I am in charge of my feelings. I know thats true but I am trying to deal with psychological warfare on an ongoing basis. I occasionally wonder if the lack of sex started because he found power in refusing me. I took my power back in that area and we haven't had sex in 5 years. But this emotional stuff is draining me. I am completely shut down at the moment. How does one survive.... Isnt it sad that our marriage turns into something to survive? Frankly I don't know if I can make it. It might be illuminating to look up the concept of gaslighting (play on words intended for bonus points) |
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Post by sweetplumeria on Aug 31, 2018 15:23:15 GMT -5
Yeah I kinda feel retarded when it comes to applying the concept of gaslighting. I don't know how to recognize the real life application. I wasn't sure where in our threads to write but because of another post, I thought here.... My husband came in and began talking to me. He asked me a bunch of questions and then twisted my answers. This is a common tactic of his and even though I know that, it doesn't stop the feelings that follow. He likes to make me feel bad. Mostly I think he maneuvers me into feeling bad so i will do whatever task he wants done. I dont want to hear anyone say I am in charge of my feelings. I know thats true but I am trying to deal with psychological warfare on an ongoing basis. I occasionally wonder if the lack of sex started because he found power in refusing me. I took my power back in that area and we haven't had sex in 5 years. But this emotional stuff is draining me. I am completely shut down at the moment. How does one survive.... Isnt it sad that our marriage turns into something to survive? Frankly I don't know if I can make it. It might be illuminating to look up the concept of gaslighting (play on words intended for bonus points) |
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Post by solodriver on Sept 4, 2018 2:30:07 GMT -5
Kinda like how southern women will say “Well, bless your heart” when they really mean “You f’ing asshole”. Oh is that what that meant? Wow. I wonder what "Well bless your little pea-pickin heart" meant? |
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