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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 21, 2018 22:38:49 GMT -5
Just being divorced and 'single again' is all new ground. Then add to it how to act, and what to say when I am back around my married friends.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 22, 2018 16:06:08 GMT -5
Just to add to my above post^^^. I started a new Sunday school class recently. I do what I've been doing for years, greeting people at the front door, answering questions ,and directing them. My notebook was holding my seat. The chairs were set up in circles ,10 chairs to a circle. I am the last one to be seated.
Well, there are 4 married couples at my circle. One of our opening questions was " why did you choose this class ?" The name of our class is "What on Earth am I Here For?".
All 4 couples had the same identical answers " my spouse picked it". I am sitting there thinking, "that's not good. That sounds like little communication,and that someone caved to keep the peace".
Being the only single again in the group, my answer was " I am very interested in a new beginning".
I asked a mentor friend of mine , " do you think I should go? I want to be open and honest, but, you know, I don't want to offend anyone." He said " you should go, be a bit cautious, but remember YOU bring a lot to the table. You have insight, and wisdom that they don't".
I found myself speaking last. We had some deep questions. The couples had mostly fluffy, surface answers, very little to say. The lady next to me kept saying . "what about you greatcoastal?" I'd give my answers about the importance between being a giver and a receiver, a taker". There was full acceptance about my words.
Our leader mentioned, " you don't have to stay with your group, feel free to move around week to week if you want to." I am looking over at the other circles of chairs. There is another group of 8 ladies and one man.
More NEW ground, being single again for the first time in my life!
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 22, 2018 17:30:00 GMT -5
"All 4 couples had the same identical answers " my spouse picked it". I am sitting there thinking, "that's not good. That sounds like little communication,and that someone caved to keep the peace".
Being the only single again in the group, my answer was " I am very interested in a new beginning".
I asked a mentor friend of mine , " do you think I should go? I want to be open and honest, but, you know, I don't want to offend anyone." He said " you should go, be a bit cautious, but remember YOU bring a lot to the table. You have insight, and wisdom that they don't".
I found myself speaking last. We had some deep questions. The couples had mostly fluffy, surface answers, very little to say. The lady next to me kept saying . "what about you greatcoastal?" I'd give my answers about the importance between being a giver and a receiver, a taker". There was full acceptance about my words.
Our leader mentioned, " you don't have to stay with your group, feel free to move around week to week if you want to." I am looking over at the other circles of chairs. There is another group of 8 ladies and one man."
Somehow I got the message in childhood that when people were dull or sitting by themselves, it was my role in life to befriend them and entertain them. Then, a couple of years ago, my partner and a couple of interesting friends were talking about how when someone is really dull or is sitting alone, they avoid such people. "If no one else wants to talk to them, something must be wrong with them so why should I bother with them," a friend said. Others agreed. The two friends who were in the conversation are some of the nicest people i know who often go out of their way to assist and mentor people. Partner is nice, but also is the type to quickly extract himself from situations in which he's involved with fools.
After talking to them, I realized that they may have a point. it's one thing if a person is new in a group and doesn't know anyone so is sitting alone. It's another thing when someone is terminally dull or obnoxious and known to others who for good reason don't want to be bothered.
That brings me to your Sunday school group. Those people sound like bores who are either just going through the motions of life or simply don't want to reveal anything about themselves that may let others know what is important to them and who they are. Sounds like they'd love to learn from you but don't want to be givers, too. So -- even if the other group were 8 men and 1 women, it sounds like it would be a great idea for you to check it out.
Since my divorce, I've been learning to avoid people who, for instance, when asked, "What's new?" respond "Nothing," "Same old same old," etc. I've also been learning to avoid people who are like my ex -- totally willing to talk about themselves and their interests, but demonstrate no interest in mine. Life is short. Being with those kind of people makes a short life seem far too long.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 22, 2018 20:10:18 GMT -5
Somehow I got the message in childhood that when people were dull or sitting by themselves, it was my role in life to befriend them and entertain them. Then, a couple of years ago, my partner and a couple of interesting friends were talking about how when someone is really dull or is sitting alone, they avoid such people. "If no one else wants to talk to them, something must be wrong with them so why should I bother with them," a friend said. Others agreed. The two friends who were in the conversation are some of the nicest people i know who often go out of their way to assist and mentor people. Partner is nice, but also is the type to quickly extract himself from situations in which he's involved with fools. After talking to them, I realized that they may have a point. it's one thing if a person is new in a group and doesn't know anyone so is sitting alone. It's another thing when someone is terminally dull or obnoxious and known to others who for good reason don't want to be bothered. That brings me to your Sunday school group. Those people sound like bores who are either just going through the motions of life or simply don't want to reveal anything about themselves that may let others know what is important to them and who they are. Sounds like they'd love to learn from you but don't want to be givers, too. So -- even if the other group were 8 men and 1 women, it sounds like it would be a great idea for you to check it out. Since my divorce, I've been learning to avoid people who, for instance, when asked, "What's new?" respond "Nothing," "Same old same old," etc. I've also been learning to avoid people who are like my ex -- totally willing to talk about themselves and their interests, but demonstrate no interest in mine. Life is short. Being with those kind of people makes a short life seem far too long. Judging a book by it's cover is easy to do, I am guilty of that. I remember who I was just 2 or 3 years ago, and how I must have presented myself. Feeling forced to sit next to my cold non communicating W. Both of us wearing the fake mask. Now I am the same person, with a new attitude, minus the fake mask "of happily married". I still have those days of wanting to sit alone, leave without speaking to anyone,and being alone in my self doubt. (Grandpa passing away was one of those days). I spoke with my mentor friend about it tonight. He told me about their new class. One woman said " I hope this isn't to much information" and went into details about her problems. The others in the group who had little to say, opened up and gave her support. She helped bring things to the discussion. He went on to say how one lady went on and on and was in tears. That seemed a bit overboard, maybe someone you would stay away from. He also mentioned how his class is a class on parenting, and how many woman came alone. There H's aren't interested. My friend went on to say to me " here's my loving advice to you, you think way too much into it. You worry too much. That one lady who kept asking you, "what do you think" talk to her more, let the rest listen. it was everyone's first day, give it some time. When you want to say something that might bother someone start by asking " is it okay if I bring up a different point of view?" or " let me know if what I say bothers you". I told my friend, " I actually did do that. The lady next to me said " oh teens don't understand these things, kids don't get it". I leaned over and said " actually my teens do know these things, they see it understand it, and discuss it with me. It's incredible the wisdom I receive from my 16 yr old". She smiled and nodded and seemed to agree with it. ( she is 10 to 20 yrs older than I am) I haven't been in group discussions like this since I was married, it's all new ground again. Here's to new beginnings! |
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 22, 2018 20:30:47 GMT -5
Congrats, GC on taking some more big steps in exploring yourself and the world as a single adult. Thanks for taking us along on your journey.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 22, 2018 22:41:55 GMT -5
Meme I saw today: “I used to walk into a room of people and wonder if they liked me. Now I walk into a group of people and wonder if I like them.”
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