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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 26, 2018 19:45:19 GMT -5
I am getting ready to stick my foot back in the dating pool. I am getting ready to introduce myself via text to a woman. We have briefly seen (met) each other and a third party has told each of us a little about each other. We live about 3 miles from each other.
I was told a few things about her. Her age, how many times she has been divorced (twice), she is single and not dating ,her kids are grown, she has lived in the area for years, she has downsized, she once sang in a rock band she loves music, she is a christian.
I feel I should share the same information with her and offer to meet this week.
What I want to change is my approach towards describing my divorce. I only want to say " I lived in a loveless marriage with a manipulative controller", and leave out the term sexless. (other details tend to spill out as I discuss myself and the past) sometimes I am 'too honest',and reveal too much too soon.
I want to talk positive and not sound like a victim, yet I also want to be brutally honest when the time is right. I am back to making good first impressions, while at the same time knowing first impressions only mean so much.
If both of us our interested, I would like to know where she stands on sex and intimacy by the 3rd date, after all we are both two older adults.
This is all new ground, all a learning experience through trial and error.
Fortune favors the bold!
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 26, 2018 20:23:41 GMT -5
Im no woman but, "I lived in a loveless marriage with a manipulative controller" might come across as unresolved bitterness on the first date especially without context.
Maybe something a tad lighter like, "emotionally it wasnt what I needed moving forward with my life" or something to that effect that you feel comfortable saying without spilling too much. Leave a little mystery on the first date. If all goes well, there will be times to have deeper conversations where you can go into more nuance. Let it flow naturally.
My 2 cents.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 26, 2018 21:07:17 GMT -5
GC said: "What I want to change is my approach towards describing my divorce. I only want to say " I lived in a loveless marriage with a manipulative controller", and leave out the term sexless. (other details tend to spill out as I discuss myself and the past) sometimes I am 'too honest',and reveal too much too soon."
No, that sounds bitter and angry. "We outgrew each other" or "She was a good fit when I married her XX years ago, but over the years, I grew apart" are ways of truthfully describing what happened while indicating you're not still resentful and bitter.
If a man told me this: " I lived in a loveless marriage with a manipulative controller", I'd assume that he hadn't yet resolved his feelings about women, marriage, and divorce, and I wouldn't date him. I'd feel that he was shifting all of the blame for his unfortunate marriage onto his ex, and not admitting that something had to be wrong with him to have married her and to have stayed with her so long.
One thing that let me know my post SM lover was the one for me was that he didn't talk with anger or bitterness about any of his exes, including the one he was engaged to who cheated on him and then kept his engagement ring. He said all of his exes had good qualities and had taught him something important. I feel the same way about my ex. I'm sorry that he cheated on me and was stupid enough to hide a child he thought he'd fathered abroad. However, he had good qualities and I did learn a lot from him that helped me be a better person and a good match for post SM lover. I'm not sorry that I married him. I am sorry that I stayed married to him so long after the marriage became ashes.
You often refer to wanting to be "brutally honest." What do you mean by that? How does it differ from being honest. To me, "My ex-husband cheated on me and thought he had fathered a child abroad, a child that he hid from me. If he didn't love me any more, I would have divorced him as I no longer loved him romantically" is true and honest. "My ex-husband was a lying SOB whom I wish would rot in hell" might be some people's idea of brutal honesty, but wasn't how I felt about him. If someone really felt that way and said that, it would be brutal honesty, but also would indicate the person wasn't ready yet for another romantic relationship.
If you really are so resentful and bitter that you only view your ex in negative terms, you aren't yet ready for another romantic relationship.
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Aug 26, 2018 21:15:49 GMT -5
I agree that that statement might come off as bitter and resentful, even if you aren't meaning it to be. If possible, on the first date, I wouldn't even bring up any reason why you're divorced at this point. You can say that you are, ask her questions about herself, and get to know her better before revealing that part of you. I can see the need to be honest and up front sooner rather than later because I imagine your SM has colored your perspective and made certain physical aspects of a relationship a priority over others, and there's no point in wasting anyone's time if you're engaging with a woman who doesn't prioritize sex in a romantic relationship. But, that being said, you also want to know you can trust her with that information about yourself and your history. Keep it light and positive and hopeful, for both your sakes (after two divorces...she could be reserved and fearful too), and you'll know when it's time for that kind of discussion, assuming you progress to that point. You'll feel comfortable enough to reveal that. Congrats on getting out there! Remember you are so worthy, and attractive, and ready for this! Happy for you greatcoastal. So happy. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 26, 2018 22:05:54 GMT -5
It's very hard to put 25 yrs of marriage into a sentence,and be honest about it. my statement " I lived in a loveless, SM with a manipulative controller" covers a lot of ground, for the trained ear. Someone who has read extensive research on the ten personality disorders catalogued in the 4th edition of the DSM ( Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). Someone who understands codependency.
That's a problem. That's the kind of books and knowledge I have that helped me end my marriage.
If someone was to say this to me, I would light up and say " I fully understand where you're coming from!"
Meanwhile I fully agree that not everyone is going to understand that, and can think that I still have all this anger, when instead I have done my best to not be manipulated and have my merciful, giving nature taken advantage of! The brutally honest part is admitting that I want zero communication with my ex and that I have zero trust in her due to numerous examples, and that I am too passive and codependent and will always be working on that.
I feel that not dating anyone would put me deeper into depression and would not help me overcome the selfish, manipulative example of a partner that I escaped from. That I will be better off to expose myself again, and be more open minded to how different we all can be, that we all have baggage, while guarding my heart at the same time. I'm learning how to achieve that balance.
Part of dealing with all my baggage is being more light and positive, much more the person I once was when I first got married, and want to stay that way as I press forward.
I do like to ,eventually, discuss giving and receiving, through words and actions. What her needs are and -for a change- feeling more and more comfortable at expressing mine and asking for what I want and not just what I can give.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 26, 2018 22:26:30 GMT -5
"Post by greatcoastal on 2 minutes ago
It's very hard to put 25 yrs of marriage into a sentence,and be honest about it. my statement " I lived in a loveless, SM with a manipulative controller" covers a lot of ground, for the trained ear. Someone who has read extensive research on the ten personality disorders catalogued in the 4th edition of the DSM ( Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). Someone who understands codependency."
GC, I have a doctorate in psychology and worked for more than 5 years as a clinical psychologist (I quickly burned out on the field and went into other fields). If someone described their ex to me as you plan to, I'd run. I'd know that something had to be very wrong with someone who'd not only marry someone like that but stay with them so many years and adopt children with such a person. Due to how the person put all the blame for their failed marriage on their ex, I'd know that the person was too angry and bitter for me to be involved with even platonically.
GC said: "If someone was to say this to me, I would light up and say " I fully understand where you're coming from!""
If that's what you're attracted to, you'll end up with someone with similarly unresolved issues as yours.They probably would be bitter, angry and untrusting, and that would make a relationship with them difficult since they'd still have a lot of unresolved issues related to their marriage.
" feel that not dating anyone would put me deeper into depression and would not help me overcome the selfish, manipulative example of a partner that I escaped from. That I will be better off to expose myself again, and be more open minded to how different we all can be, that we all have baggage, while guarding my heart at the same time. I'm learning how to achieve that balance."
A therapist can help you heal, but hoping that another relationship will heal you is likely to end up in disaster because of the type of person you'll be attracted to and who'd be attracted to you, a depressed, angry person.
Are you in individual therapy now? I found that being in individual therapy during my divorce was very helpful including as I began dating. My judgment at first about the type of man to date was bad For instance, since my ex had hidden an affair and a baby from me, I valued honesty very highly but didn't have good judgment about what the person was being honest about. The first man I was attracted to was a lawyer who told me that due to a DUI, he had lost his job as a lawyer, was court-sent to rehab, and afterward could only find employment at at Walmart. I thought it was great that he was so honest. It didn't dawn on me that it would not be a great idea to date someone early in recovery who had lost everything. Fortunately, we connected on a dating site, he lived, 1,500 miles away and we never met in person.
When I started dating the man I've now been with for 5 years, it was my therapist who helped me not fall into my previous pattern of trying to emotionally take care of my partner. My therapist helped me learn to be the authentic me and to allow him to be himself and be emotionally responsible for his feelings and his friendships. I also didn't look to him to save me from an empty life. I had a full, happy life so wasn't dependent on him as a crutch to make it through life
How I put my 34 year marriage (36 -year relationship) into words on a first date: "My husband and I grew apart over the years. I got more into things like the arts including getting involved in theater here. He got more into exploring other countries including working abroad. We started out as a great fit as we worked together in the same field for many years, but as we got older, our interests changed and we didn't have that much in common."
Later dates I would mention that my husband's interests abroad included having an affair and thinking he'd fathered a child.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 27, 2018 8:19:37 GMT -5
It's very hard to put 25 yrs of marriage into a sentence,and be honest about it. my statement " I lived in a loveless, SM with a manipulative controller" covers a lot of ground, for the trained ear. Someone who has read extensive research on the ten personality disorders catalogued in the 4th edition of the DSM ( Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). Someone who understands codependency. That's a problem. That's the kind of books and knowledge I have that helped me end my marriage. If someone was to say this to me, I would light up and say " I fully understand where you're coming from!" Meanwhile I fully agree that not everyone is going to understand that, and can think that I still have all this anger, when instead I have done my best to not be manipulated and have my merciful, giving nature taken advantage of! The brutally honest part is admitting that I want zero communication with my ex and that I have zero trust in her due to numerous examples, and that I am too passive and codependent and will always be working on that. I feel that not dating anyone would put me deeper into depression and would not help me overcome the selfish, manipulative example of a partner that I escaped from. That I will be better off to expose myself again, and be more open minded to how different we all can be, that we all have baggage, while guarding my heart at the same time. I'm learning how to achieve that balance. Part of dealing with all my baggage is being more light and positive, much more the person I once was when I first got married, and want to stay that way as I press forward. I do like to ,eventually, discuss giving and receiving, through words and actions. What her needs are and -for a change- feeling more and more comfortable at expressing mine and asking for what I want and not just what I can give. Why does it all have to be in a sentence? A relationship happens over time, not in a paragraph. There is a huge difference between brutal honesty in a relationship and scaring the crap out of someone who otherwise might be a good match. My suggestion? You're free. Stop reading articles on shrink for men. Stop reading books on Co dependence. Stop thinking about the bitch. Make yourself interesting, funny, fun and you'll find ladies like that. You'll find you like it too. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 27, 2018 9:55:32 GMT -5
It's very hard to put 25 yrs of marriage into a sentence,and be honest about it. my statement " I lived in a loveless, SM with a manipulative controller" covers a lot of ground, for the trained ear. Someone who has read extensive research on the ten personality disorders catalogued in the 4th edition of the DSM ( Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). Someone who understands codependency. That's a problem. That's the kind of books and knowledge I have that helped me end my marriage. If someone was to say this to me, I would light up and say " I fully understand where you're coming from!" Meanwhile I fully agree that not everyone is going to understand that, and can think that I still have all this anger, when instead I have done my best to not be manipulated and have my merciful, giving nature taken advantage of! The brutally honest part is admitting that I want zero communication with my ex and that I have zero trust in her due to numerous examples, and that I am too passive and codependent and will always be working on that. I feel that not dating anyone would put me deeper into depression and would not help me overcome the selfish, manipulative example of a partner that I escaped from. That I will be better off to expose myself again, and be more open minded to how different we all can be, that we all have baggage, while guarding my heart at the same time. I'm learning how to achieve that balance. Part of dealing with all my baggage is being more light and positive, much more the person I once was when I first got married, and want to stay that way as I press forward. I do like to ,eventually, discuss giving and receiving, through words and actions. What her needs are and -for a change- feeling more and more comfortable at expressing mine and asking for what I want and not just what I can give. Why does it all have to be in a sentence? A relationship happens over time, not in a paragraph. There is a huge difference between brutal honesty in a relationship and scaring the crap out of someone who otherwise might be a good match. My suggestion? You're free. Stop reading articles on shrink for men. Stop reading books on Co dependence. Stop thinking about the bitch. Make yourself interesting, funny, fun and you'll find ladies like that. You'll find you like it too. Thank you for this! I have stepped outside my comfort zone more and more, been more open minded, and find myself saying more and more," that's the past, let's not talk about that so much, on to more happier things". However part of my recovery and putting my foot in the dating pool means getting asked often, " why did you get divorced?" I ask the same question, I need to know. One part of my 'explanation is this, " there was no cheating, no affairs involved, no drinking problems, no drugs, no arrests, no gambling, but the role reversal, and power and control over money was a big problem". Then in more conversations comes the " homeschooling ,adopting more children,and having my FIL move in with us." every little piece has its own story. All bagage. lastly comes the zero intimacy, zero sex,- and zero trust due to all my discoveries of her unlawful actions regarding money. It all has its place. Hopefully all in the past. It's also good therapy to meet new people and present my new beginning, " half my 6 kids are grown the others are older teens, I have my house all to myself every other week, I own several properties, They are all paid in full, I am a landlord, I maintain my properties, I mow 8 to10 yards every week, I workout regularly, I want full time employment, but I make enough and don't need it, I am aiming for truck school and I have time on my hands, etc.... including hobbies skills and fun activities that i do with others. A lot more to talk about than just my ex bitch. I also discovered in my year of divorce recovery classes that almost all the other people I was with had stories, problems, and baggage, even worse than my own. Things you want to know and find out with every person you date. Especially before you drop your pants. |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 27, 2018 10:42:27 GMT -5
“A lot more to talk about than just my ex bitch.”
When you stop thinking of your ex as bitch you will be ready for a healthy relationship.
Of all the things you’ve discussed in your many posts here, the ones that seem to reflect the best and healthiest parts of you are when you talk about dancing and raising your kids. Your empathy, kindness and thoughtfulness shine through. If you do an online profile, those would be things to highlight. Same would be true when getting to know women in real life.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 27, 2018 11:11:44 GMT -5
“A lot more to talk about than just my ex bitch.” When you stop thinking of your ex as bitch you will be ready for a healthy relationship. Of all the things you’ve discussed in your many posts here, the ones that seem to reflect the best and healthiest parts of you are when you talk about dancing and raising your kids. Your empathy, kindness and thoughtful shine through. If you do an online profile, those would be things to highlight. Same would be true when getting to know women in real life. "when you stop thinking of your ex as bitch you will be ready for a healthy relationship". I am sure there is truth in that. In fact it's like a God send to be away from her and to be more independent day by day. Then comes dating- The inevitable questions" why did you get divorced ,tell me about it ?". And yet my experience has been with, psychologists, fellow divorce recovery councillors, pastors, attorneys, couples, sheriffs, police, friends,divorced woman , neighbors, my own immediate family,people on this forum, who all say, " what a bitch, you are better off without her". I no longer need the confirmation, what i need is to learn and practice, is how to tone it down, and move on to more positive things. Meanwhile there is still that side of me that says " OOHH someone else who has gone through what I went through... I can help them!! I need to tone that down, way way down, a lot more. My rescue mode kicks in too much. Therapy ends up being an hour of bringing up all the problems of the past week, and getting very little solutions. Bad therapy is....well others have written, and I have read chapters about that. I would much rather meet this new woman and spend hours hearing her positives and sharing mine. The negatives still need to be discussed before I just drop my pants. If it sounds like I am arrogant. There is the reality of what I have been dealing with now that I am out there in the dating world, face to face with woman. That woman want me instantly,long before I want them, well that continues to be my recent experiences. Something I am definitely not used to dealing with after my 25 years of marriage. It flies right in the face of my humble existence, I am working on it. |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 27, 2018 12:23:52 GMT -5
“Then comes dating- The inevitable questions" why did you get divorced ,tell me about it ?". And yet my experience has been with, psychologists, fellow divorce recovery councillors, pastors, attorneys, couples, sheriffs, police, friends,divorced woman , neighbors, my own immediate family,people on this forum, who all say, " what a bitch, you are better off without her".
You don’t have to give every detail. “My wife moved her dad into our house and our marriage took a far back place to their relationship. As a result, my wife and I grew apart.” Then change the subject, “what kind of things do you do for fun? One of my interests is dancing.”
“The negatives still need to be discussed before I just drop my pants.”
I can see the importance of getting to know and trust someone before having sex. I don’t understand the point of telling them every detail about your miserable marriage. That sounds like what to go over with a therapist or a good friend. A romantic relationship is a new start not a way of processing what you left behind.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 27, 2018 14:33:01 GMT -5
1) If someone described their ex to me as you plan to, I'd run. I'd know that something had to be very wrong with someone who'd not only marry someone like that but stay with them so many years and adopt children with such a person. Due to how the person put all the blame for their failed marriage on their ex, I'd know that the person was too angry and bitter for me to be involved with even platonically. GC said: "If someone was to say this to me, I would light up and say " I fully understand where you're coming from!"" 2) If that's what you're attracted to, you'll end up with someone with similarly unresolved issues as yours.They probably would be bitter, angry and untrusting, and that would make a relationship with them difficult since they'd still have a lot of unresolved issues related to their marriage. 1) "If someone described their ex to me as you plan to, I'd run." That has not been my experience. Instead others relate, and feel relieved to know they are not alone and someone else understands (like on this forum). Most often I get told, "that's nothing, wait till I tell you mine". You seem to have a double standard again? By following your advice and standards, anyone who Heard your full story should quickly come to the realization that there is something very wrong with you. That you would stay with someone for that many years or even marry such a person. But that is not true, is it? That's not the case. These people do not feel like there is something very wrong with them or me. The blame they feel is for having their good nature taken advantage of, being lied to and manipulated and how long it took to have the FOG lifted ( a term I use here often.) There's very little thoughts about anger and bitterness, if they are actively dating, they are working on forgiving and forgetting the past. ( but it gets brought up often, " tell me about your divorce") What I want to know is "are they a controller?, are they wearing a fake mask?" I owe it to myself to not fall for that again. And I owe it to them to not wear a fake mask myself. 2) dating someone is turning out to have very little to do with "what I am attracted to". It's more feast or famine, ( all the woman I meet are married,or dating, or a group of women who are all single and want a man, then there are others who are single/divorced and hate men). It's who I meet in my world of social circles that i am getting involved with. And just a date, or two, or three does not mean that I am "heavily attracted to that person". Instead it is like a " practice date" (something we did a thread on here). I am meeting different people with different stories. Some woman I meet are widows and have never dealt with a SM, they have a good career, and had a stable fulfilling relationship. Others had an active sexual marriage and where still dumped for a younger woman, then there will be woman like my ex, to look out for and stay away from, the stories go on and on.... |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 27, 2018 15:44:29 GMT -5
“You seem to have a double standard again? By following your advice and standards, anyone who Heard your full story should quickly come to the realization that there is something very wrong with you. That you would stay with someone for that many years or even marry such a person. But that is not true, is it? That's not the case.”
There’s no double standard. I’ve said on ep and here that before I divorced, I had lots of therapy to deal with my own emotional problems. These included having a long history of major depression that persisted in part due to my refusal to accept antidepressants, something I started several years before I divorced. When I met my ex, I was virtually totally out of touch with my emotions so a man who also was shut off from his was a good match for me. I also felt a lot of guilt and shame about sex and that also allowed me to stay in a marriage with little sex. In addition, due to my dad’s having an explosive temper and cheating on my mom, men who liked sex scared me. And I was very dependent, feeling I was nothing without a man. I was so dependent that I tried to kill myself after my first breakup. Then, I felt that I was nothing without a man.
Over the years, I did a lot of work on these issues, not to snag a man but to make me happier and to have more respect for myself. As a result, my h was no longer a good fit. I divorced when I realized I’d be happier permanently single than remaining in a marriage that was empty. I didn’t hate my husband. I can see his good qualities. He’d be a great man for someone else. During the divorce we were never disrespectful to each other. We also treated each other fairly in the settlement.
All of the things that I did made me a good match for my present partner, a man who has also made a lot of changes in himself. He did those well before dating me and he did them to be happy with himself not to snag a woman. When he talks about his past relationships, he says all of the women had good qualities and he learned something good from each even the ones that ended because they cheated. He doesn’t refer to them disrespectfully. He also likes women — has longtime women friends. He is able to take responsibility for mistakes he has made in life and he can tell me how he has grown from them.
We didn’t get together as two wounded people who needed to prop each other up to make it. We were complete and happy. We enhanced each other. We didn’t fix or complete each other.
Gc said: “" tell me about your divorce") What I want to know is "are they a controller?, are they wearing a fake mask?”
Of course you want to know their story just like they want to know yours. This doesn’t mean telling the whole saga the first few dates. I, too, asked about breakups. Among the things I wanted to know were whether the man took any responsibility for the breakup and whether he still was very angry or grieving about it. I didn’t want to be with a person who totally blames others for his problems. I sure know that I bear some responsibility for my failed marriage. And I knew someone still very angry or grieving their ended relationship would not be ready for me. They might even take out their anger on me.
I wouldn’t need a divorce story to identify a controlling person. Behavior would make that obvious.
I have women friends who easily tell stories about horrible exes. Not one such woman is a woman whom I have seen have a functional romantic relationship. All have trust issues and anger issues related to men. They differ from women who have moved on from bad relationships. The latter are more focused on their present life and its joys instead of enjoying rehashing the past. They may mention it but quickly go on to discuss things in their present life.
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Post by elkclan2 on Aug 27, 2018 16:07:29 GMT -5
greatcoastal - I know where you're coming from... in a sense. I got involved with this forum (like most) because I thought the SM was my problem. Really my problem was that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. Not exactly like yours, but in many ways like yours. The boiling down of the advice here is that this is NOT your whole story and even though it's been a big part of your story for a long time this is not the first story you want to tell to a prospective date. I disagree with northstarmom that you need to be 100% yourself and healthy and healed to start dating. I wasn't. I'm still not. But I am enough to trust myself again. I certainly started dating again before I was at that place. Guess what - those dates didn't go anywhere - and I met some nice guys. That's ok. That's dating. I was in a much better place when I met my current partner. But going on those other dates helped me get to a place where I was confident enough in dating my man now. So I say - go on those dates! Maybe, just maybe, you'll get lucky early on (by lucky I mean find someone wonderful, not get in the sack as I'm sure you can do that but it doesn't sound like it's your thing) but if you don't get lucky early on, it's ok to learn from the process. My current partner was also in an emotionally abusive and sexless marriage. Is he 100% over that? Nope. But if he had led with what a crazy c&nt she is early on, I would have seen it as a red flag. He didn't lie, but he didn't go on about how awful she was and still is. He is able to identify good stuff about her and I can even do that about my ex. Now, he was enough up front about it that I could see she was going to be difficult. That's important, because I needed to know what I was letting myself in for. (I still didn't quite realise what a mess she was because she was mostly in a good phase in the first part of our relationship, which did not last.) And you'll need to do that too if you get more serious with someone - you need to prepare them for what your ex is like because like it or not your future partner will have to deal with her. Hopefully not too much as your kids are older. In the early days of my relationship I still had worries about sexlessness - he did, too. This means we weren't 100% over our past. That's ok. His ex and my ex still cause a lot of trouble. We support each other through this. We did talk about sex and our expectations and history very, very early on. It was vital we did so. I'd hazard a guess that a lot of people in your dating pool have been through the wringer a little bit, as have you. Brutal honesty can be a bit much it can startle people who've been through a lot. Gentle honesty and full disclosure over time may be a better tactical approach.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 27, 2018 17:13:08 GMT -5
GC said: "These people do not feel like there is something very wrong with them or me. The blame they feel is for having their good nature taken advantage of, being lied to and manipulated and how long it took to have the FOG lifted ( a term I use here often.)" They could benefit by learning to identify the red flags that they are being taken advantage of., and learning how to get out of such situations earlier. No one can take advantage of you without your consent. While I have not been taken advantage of in romantic relationships, I have been taken advantage of in friendships. Therapy was something that helped me identify the people who were real friends and the people who were taking advantage of me. Apparently for much of my life, I'd been a magnet for women friends who were using me. It was to such an extent that a few years ago, I learned that when I was in college, people referred to me as the "nice girl whose best friend was a bitch." I now have women friends in my life who are in a reciprocal friendship with me. To get such friendships, I had to learn to avoid the users. Until you examine what in you allowed you to: marry a woman whom you now say was manipulative and controlling; adopt 6 children with her; allow her dad to move in and rule the roost, and persist for years in a sexless marriage with her, you will be on track to repeat the same error. Your next romantic partner may look different from your ex but may be very similar under the skin. Indeed, there are some unsavory prospective partners who'll love to hear details about your ex's manipulations because such prospective partners will be listening to find out what works in manipulating and controlling you. Elkclan said: "I disagree with northstarmom that you need to be 100% yourself and healthy and healed to start dating. " I'm sorry if I've given the impression that one has to be 100% healed and healthy to start dating. To be ready to date and to have a good chance to establish a healthy new relationship. I think that one has to be out of deep grief and anger, and to have some perspective on one's own contribution to one's failed marriage. If one can see some of one's ex's positive attributes or positive results of having had the relationship, that's a sign one is ready as is one's figuring out what in oneself allowed one to stay so long in a relationship that started out or became dysfunctional. If one is frequently filled with rage or tears when thinking of the relationship; if one can't talk about the relationship without tears or rage or if one is feeling broken and believes a new relationship is one's hope for healing, then you're not ready. Elkclan also said: "In the early days of my relationship I still had worries about sexlessness - he did, too. This means we weren't 100% over our past. That's ok. His ex and my ex still cause a lot of trouble. We support each other through this. We did talk about sex and our expectations and history very, very early on. It was vital we did so. " I sure had those fears, too. I didn't talk about them with my prospective partner because I wanted him to view me as a desirable, sexually confident woman. I also didn't want him to think that something must be horribly wrong with me in bed for my partner to have rejected me. Instead, I talked with my therapist and with good friends about those concerns. I didn't reveal my 8 straight years of marital sexelessness to my partner until we had been intimate for 3 months. By then he simply thought my ex must have been crazy not to have wanted to have sex with me, a woman whom my partner regards as a sex goddess.  FWIW, when I had sex for the first time with my partner, it was easy. I fell right into it. In fact, it was the best sex I'd ever had in my life, and I had multiple orgasms. Keep in mind, however, I didn't fall into bed right away with my partner. Before our first date, we'd known each other for several years as we were in the same theater troupe and had good friends in common. We also dated -- about once every 3 weeks -- over a period of about 4 months before I had sex wtih him, and we also talked about our desires for the relationship. I was clear that i wanted a monogamous sexual relationship that could be a FWB or develop into more. And at my insistence, we both got tested for STDs before we had sex. People 50 and over are at high risk for STDs and I didn't want to get one. Still, I insisted on condom use for the first several months until I felt I knew him well enough to trust that he really was mongamous. |
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