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Post by heavyheart on May 20, 2016 22:51:25 GMT -5
I am new to the forum. Kind of relieved to see I am not the only one dealing with this. I can't begin to describe my despair. I have been in a sexless marriage - totally sexless - as in zero! My husband has Erectile dysfunction but the sex dwindled well before then to its current non-existent state. It all started to fade 10 years ago, maybe even longer. Now I don't even try to initiate anymore. I've tried talking to him - nothing. I've explained that he doesn't need to worry about the Erectile dysfunction. We can work around it. He just dismisses it like I am being dramatic. He says I should understand his "sickness". My resentment has grown and I don't feel close to him anymore. I've grown distant but he lives in bliss and thinks everything is perfect. I am so depressed nowadays that I don't even want to get out of bed - which of course makes him livid. Then I feel guilty. Thank goodness I have a career that gets me out of the house and keeps me sane. We have a beautiful child and would hate to hurt her by divorcing so that's not an option. I just feel so stuck. I spend many nights crying myself to sleep - not that he would notice mind you. He sleeps in another bedroom. We're really just housemates. I've hit rock bottom. Can't stop the tears to even continue typing this...I don't know what to do?
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Post by obobfla on May 20, 2016 23:02:47 GMT -5
So sorry! You are in the right place. So many of us still love our spouses but want so much more.
My question is does he understand how his "sickness" affects you. I've said in another post that it is not your fault if you have a cold. But it is your responsibility wipe the snot from your nose and not cough or sneeze on anyone. Does he see a urologist for his condition? What about Viagra, Cialis, and other drugs?
Tell him that you are sorry that his libido is gone. Tell him that while you are not male, you would be mortified if your sex drive left. But then tell him that you would do what you could to get it back for his sake. Tell him that just because he is celibate doesn't mean you have to be.
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2016 23:04:55 GMT -5
I am new to the forum. Kind of relieved to see I am not the only one dealing with this. I can't begin to describe my despair. I have been in a sexless marriage - totally sexless - as in zero! My husband has Erectile dysfunction but the sex dwindled well before then to its current non-existent state. It all started to fade 10 years ago, maybe even longer. Now I don't even try to initiate anymore. I've tried talking to him - nothing. I've explained that he doesn't need to worry about the Erectile dysfunction. We can work around it. He just dismisses it like I am being dramatic. He says I should understand his "sickness". My resentment has grown and I don't feel close to him anymore. I've grown distant but he lives in bliss and thinks everything is perfect. I am so depressed nowadays that I don't even want to get out of bed - which of course makes him livid. Then I feel guilty. Thank goodness I have a career that gets me out of the house and keeps me sane. We have a beautiful child and would hate to hurt her by divorcing so that's not an option. I just feel so stuck. I spend many nights crying myself to sleep - not that he would notice mind you. He sleeps in another bedroom. We're really just housemates. I've hit rock bottom. Can't stop the tears to even continue typing this...I don't know what to do? Textbook. You'll get plenty of good answers. Including why divorce is indeed an option. |
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Post by baza on May 21, 2016 1:45:10 GMT -5
Divorce IS an option.
Sure, it might be an option that - today - you don't find to be a particularly palatable option, but it IS an option. Maybe "the last option", but an option none the less.
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That doesn't mean you "should" take that option (nor that you should not) but I would urge you to regard it as "an" option open to you.
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There are precious few options available to you in these adverse circumstances, chucking one away without fully checking it out as a possibility doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
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Post by unmatched on May 21, 2016 2:07:01 GMT -5
It seems a little unfair to me that he wants you to understand his "sickness" but doesn't seem remotely interested in trying to understand yours. Have you really managed to talk to him about how you are feeling and why?
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Post by darktippedrose on May 21, 2016 3:05:05 GMT -5
he won't even consider going to the dr?
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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2016 6:31:28 GMT -5
I am new to the forum. Kind of relieved to see I am not the only one dealing with this. I can't begin to describe my despair. I have been in a sexless marriage - totally sexless - as in zero! My husband has Erectile dysfunction but the sex dwindled well before then to its current non-existent state. It all started to fade 10 years ago, maybe even longer. Now I don't even try to initiate anymore. I've tried talking to him - nothing. I've explained that he doesn't need to worry about the Erectile dysfunction. We can work around it. He just dismisses it like I am being dramatic. He says I should understand his "sickness". My resentment has grown and I don't feel close to him anymore. I've grown distant but he lives in bliss and thinks everything is perfect. I am so depressed nowadays that I don't even want to get out of bed - which of course makes him livid. Then I feel guilty. Thank goodness I have a career that gets me out of the house and keeps me sane. We have a beautiful child and would hate to hurt her by divorcing so that's not an option. I just feel so stuck. I spend many nights crying myself to sleep - not that he would notice mind you. He sleeps in another bedroom. We're really just housemates. I've hit rock bottom. Can't stop the tears to even continue typing this...I don't know what to do? Hi, HH. Many on here will happily provide helpful analyses and viable coping strategies. A great first step for you was showing up. |
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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2016 6:50:38 GMT -5
More on divorcing...your reason for not considering that an option is your kid. Read enough stories here and on EP if you still can, and you'll see that staying married is not always in the best interest of the children. I don't know if that's that case in your situation, but don't assume it's not. The welfare of the children is in my opinion the numero uno consideration when thinking about divorce, and should also be the prime objective if divorce happens. But consider this fact: children view their parent's relationship as what a normal relationship is like. For example, why do you think children of abusive marriages so often end up in abusive marriages? Because to them that's normal.
So ask yourself what you are teaching your child about relationships by staying in this marriage.
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Post by worksforme2 on May 21, 2016 7:01:11 GMT -5
Those of us here understand what you are experiencing and we can empathize with where you are. Everyone's situation is different but the actions our refusers could and should make aren't.
A loving spouse should be doing everything possible to address the problem. That means for a male he should be seeing a physician(s) to find out if his condition is treatable. If it isn't treatable from a pharma logical approach perhaps an implant or similar device might be something to consider if affordable. Baring that he could still please you orally or manually with his hands or invest in some toys and show his love pleasing you with their help.
A man who is fixated on his own pleasure with little or no concern for the needs and desires of his spouse is a selfish man. When I realized my libido was diminished I immediately got a script for testosterone. And when the hydraulics weren't working as well as they should I added some Viagra to the mix. In short a man that loves and cares about his W's well being sexually does what he needs to do. He steps up. That what a loving spouse does.
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Post by heavyheart on May 21, 2016 7:23:22 GMT -5
So sorry! You are in the right place. So many of us still love our spouses but want so much more. My question is does he understand how his "sickness" affects you. I've said in another post that it is not your fault if you have a cold. But it is your responsibility wipe the snot from your nose and not cough or sneeze on anyone. Does he see a urologist for his condition? What about Viagra, Cialis, and other drugs? Tell him that you are sorry that his libido is gone. Tell him that while you are not male, you would be mortified if your sex drive left. But then tell him that you would do what you could to get it back for his sake. Tell him that just because he is celibate doesn't mean you have to be. Yes, you nailed it. I do love him but I do want more. That's where the guilt sets in. He is very loving in other ways. He is always hugging, kissing me (quick peck on the lips), always saying how much he loves me, etc. The past couple of weeks though it irritates me a bit when he hugs and kisses me and I don't know why all of a sudden. He is an amazing dad and constantly running around doing things for us. We are his whole world. After years of arguing, I finally compelled him to go to a urologist about 2 years ago and he identified the problem. My hubby needs to go for minor surgery which freaks him out. The doc also told him to lose weight - he is stocky but doesn't look really overweight. Instead he gained a lot of weight that he is slowly trying to lose now. We did try Viagra but it didn't seem to last and because recently he gets borderline elevated blood pressure, I worry something may happen if I push him to take the pills. Getting him to go back to the doctor I know will take a lot of fighting again and I am just too emotionally drained as I am also dealing with a terminally ill parent and a stressful job. Maybe I am not trying hard enough or have given up on some level I think? His libido isn't gone though. I asked him about it once and he confessed he does pleasure himself occasionally. So then I wonder is he not attracted to me anymore? I think I am attractive but maybe not to him anymore? I have had candid discussions with him about this whole situation. He insists he is attracted to me. One weekend I was so emotionally and physically drained I didn't get out of bed at all of Saturday so he was quite concerned but annoyed too. He thinks I have an off switch and can shut out my feelings. When I tell him part of what triggers my sadness is our lack of intimacy but his eyes well up and he feels that because he loves me deeply that should be enough. Then again my guilt sets in...sigh. |
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Post by heavyheart on May 21, 2016 7:33:39 GMT -5
Those of us here understand what you are experiencing and we can empathize with where you are. Everyone's situation is different but the actions our refusers could and should make aren't. A loving spouse should be doing everything possible to address the problem. That means for a male he should be seeing a physician(s) to find out if his condition is treatable. If it isn't treatable from a pharma logical approach perhaps an implant or similar device might be something to consider if affordable. Baring that he could still please you orally or manually with his hands or invest in some toys and show his love pleasing you with their help. A man who is fixated on his own pleasure with little or no concern for the needs and desires of his spouse is a selfish man. When I realized my libido was diminished I immediately got a script for testosterone. And when the hydraulics weren't working as well as they should I added some Viagra to the mix. In short a man that loves and cares about his W's well being sexually does what he needs to do. He steps up. That what a loving spouse does. You're so right. He did see a doctor and the problem was identified. He is not stepping up but rather trying to compensate in other ways... |
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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2016 12:05:58 GMT -5
Oh, damn. Your situation sounds a lot like mine was.
My guy had a combination of health problems and depression that lowered his libido, but trying to get him to do his part in solving the problems was like throwing a stick for a dog - and then the dog doesn't chase it.
I held on for 3 years (things had been going south for a while before it got to be unbearable - and then I continued to try for the last 3 years.) All I wanted was for him to do the things that ONLY he could do, to improve our sex life. I very rarely ever asked him for anything else. But because he had evidently come to believe that sex just wasn't worth the trouble - he expected ME to be celibate, and for our lives to stay exactly the same, for years and years, maybe forever.
It's extra difficult when your mate says they love you, when you are still decent to each other. There are so many ways that a SM is painful. Some people here have gone through outright abuse. My man was never abusive. But it's an exquisite torture when you finally give up on getting any more sex or romance in the relationship, and you wish with all your heart that he was your older brother instead of your spouse.
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Post by ggold on May 21, 2016 12:26:46 GMT -5
I am new to the forum. Kind of relieved to see I am not the only one dealing with this. I can't begin to describe my despair. I have been in a sexless marriage - totally sexless - as in zero! My husband has Erectile dysfunction but the sex dwindled well before then to its current non-existent state. It all started to fade 10 years ago, maybe even longer. Now I don't even try to initiate anymore. I've tried talking to him - nothing. I've explained that he doesn't need to worry about the Erectile dysfunction. We can work around it. He just dismisses it like I am being dramatic. He says I should understand his "sickness". My resentment has grown and I don't feel close to him anymore. I've grown distant but he lives in bliss and thinks everything is perfect. I am so depressed nowadays that I don't even want to get out of bed - which of course makes him livid. Then I feel guilty. Thank goodness I have a career that gets me out of the house and keeps me sane. We have a beautiful child and would hate to hurt her by divorcing so that's not an option. I just feel so stuck. I spend many nights crying myself to sleep - not that he would notice mind you. He sleeps in another bedroom. We're really just housemates. I've hit rock bottom. Can't stop the tears to even continue typing this...I don't know what to do? I am so sorry you are going through this. I am a housemate to my husband as well. You are among those who understand and are here to support you. |
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Post by heavyheart on May 21, 2016 12:38:17 GMT -5
I am new to the forum. Kind of relieved to see I am not the only one dealing with this. I can't begin to describe my despair. I have been in a sexless marriage - totally sexless - as in zero! My husband has Erectile dysfunction but the sex dwindled well before then to its current non-existent state. It all started to fade 10 years ago, maybe even longer. Now I don't even try to initiate anymore. I've tried talking to him - nothing. I've explained that he doesn't need to worry about the Erectile dysfunction. We can work around it. He just dismisses it like I am being dramatic. He says I should understand his "sickness". My resentment has grown and I don't feel close to him anymore. I've grown distant but he lives in bliss and thinks everything is perfect. I am so depressed nowadays that I don't even want to get out of bed - which of course makes him livid. Then I feel guilty. Thank goodness I have a career that gets me out of the house and keeps me sane. We have a beautiful child and would hate to hurt her by divorcing so that's not an option. I just feel so stuck. I spend many nights crying myself to sleep - not that he would notice mind you. He sleeps in another bedroom. We're really just housemates. I've hit rock bottom. Can't stop the tears to even continue typing this...I don't know what to do? I am so sorry you are going through this. I am a housemate to my husband as well. You are among those who understand and are here to support you. Thank you so much - truly means a lot to know I am not alone. I've been reading several other threads and that alone has been so comforting and helps one cope better. |
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Post by Isabellas39 on May 21, 2016 12:42:36 GMT -5
Your situation is similar to mine. I know it's very difficult going for years with zero intimacy, and it helps knowing that you're not alone. In this group I have learned how important choice is, and you do have choices. It is up to you to choose the one that works for you, and if you realize it doesn't anymore you can choose again..
We all have three choices ; stay and outsource, stay and find your peace with the situation, or divorce...
Take your time and read the stories shared here. Many great people here that have gone through it all and are willing to share their eperiences..
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