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Post by heavyheart on May 21, 2016 17:19:48 GMT -5
Your situation is similar to mine. I know it's very difficult going for years with zero intimacy, and it helps knowing that you're not alone. In this group I have learned how important choice is, and you do have choices. It is up to you to choose the one that works for you, and if you realize it doesn't anymore you can choose again.. We all have three choices ; stay and outsource, stay and find your peace with the situation, or divorce... Take your time and read the stories shared here. Many great people here that have gone through it all and are willing to share their eperiences.. Thank you so much...well said you've certainly given me some direction and lots to think about. I appreciate you taking the time to reach out. |
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omixochitl
Junior Member
“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27 
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 21, 2016 20:36:45 GMT -5
Your situation is similar to mine. I know it's very difficult going for years with zero intimacy, and it helps knowing that you're not alone. In this group I have learned how important choice is, and you do have choices. It is up to you to choose the one that works for you, and if you realize it doesn't anymore you can choose again.. We all have three choices ; stay and outsource, stay and find your peace with the situation, or divorce... Take your time and read the stories shared here. Many great people here that have gone through it all and are willing to share their eperiences.. I absolutely love your point about "if you realize it doesn't anymore you can choose again". Wisdom there, thank you. Right now I am trying to stay and find peace. It's difficult but it's a first step and at least I'm not trying to get water from a stone any longer. One day at a time. Or, as in a phrase I just heard used in the excellent show, "Transparent" - NATO - Not Attached To Outcome. |
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Post by heavyheart on May 21, 2016 20:52:08 GMT -5
Oh, damn. Your situation sounds a lot like mine was. My guy had a combination of health problems and depression that lowered his libido, but trying to get him to do his part in solving the problems was like throwing a stick for a dog - and then the dog doesn't chase it. I held on for 3 years (things had been going south for a while before it got to be unbearable - and then I continued to try for the last 3 years.) All I wanted was for him to do the things that ONLY he could do, to improve our sex life. I very rarely ever asked him for anything else. But because he had evidently come to believe that sex just wasn't worth the trouble - he expected ME to be celibate, and for our lives to stay exactly the same, for years and years, maybe forever. It's extra difficult when your mate says they love you, when you are still decent to each other. There are so many ways that a SM is painful. Some people here have gone through outright abuse. My man was never abusive. But it's an exquisite torture when you finally give up on getting any more sex or romance in the relationship, and you wish with all your heart that he was your older brother instead of your spouse. Yes, exactly...for me it has reached a point where I can't even watch a romantic scene on TV. I just shatter to pieces inside if that makes sense. He can tell me he loves me throughout the day but I don't believe he loves me ENOUGH if I am not worthy of a bit of effort on his part to fix this. Then the resentment creeps in. I am so glad I joined this forum and can hear other's share in the same pain. It has given me a bit of strength. Thank you. |
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Post by heartbroken55 on May 22, 2016 12:59:26 GMT -5
So true! Really well said x
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Post by heartbroken55 on May 22, 2016 13:04:40 GMT -5
What you are saying is soooo much what I'm going through! I am so sad most of the time, angry and resentful at other times and very frustrated! I have got to the stage now where I don't return his kisses or any affection...it's just easier to shut it all out rather than be thrown a few crumbs and knowing that it won't be going any further. I'm so sorry for you as I completely know what you're going through x
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Post by lwoetin on May 23, 2016 0:13:49 GMT -5
obobfla Yes, you nailed it. I do love him but I do want more. That's where the guilt sets in. He is very loving in other ways. He is always hugging, kissing me (quick peck on the lips), always saying how much he loves me, etc. The past couple of weeks though it irritates me a bit when he hugs and kisses me and I don't know why all of a sudden. He is an amazing dad and constantly running around doing things for us. We are his whole world. After years of arguing, I finally compelled him to go to a urologist about 2 years ago and he identified the problem. My hubby needs to go for minor surgery which freaks him out. The doc also told him to lose weight - he is stocky but doesn't look really overweight. Instead he gained a lot of weight that he is slowly trying to lose now. We did try Viagra but it didn't seem to last and because recently he gets borderline elevated blood pressure, I worry something may happen if I push him to take the pills. Getting him to go back to the doctor I know will take a lot of fighting again and I am just too emotionally drained as I am also dealing with a terminally ill parent and a stressful job. Maybe I am not trying hard enough or have given up on some level I think? His libido isn't gone though. I asked him about it once and he confessed he does pleasure himself occasionally. So then I wonder is he not attracted to me anymore? I think I am attractive but maybe not to him anymore? I have had candid discussions with him about this whole situation. He insists he is attracted to me. One weekend I was so emotionally and physically drained I didn't get out of bed at all of Saturday so he was quite concerned but annoyed too. He thinks I have an off switch and can shut out my feelings. When I tell him part of what triggers my sadness is our lack of intimacy but his eyes well up and he feels that because he loves me deeply that should be enough. Then again my guilt sets in...sigh. hh, glad to have you in the forum. Sorry to hear of your situation. I was doing online search on menopause recently and got me reading about ED as well. I was thinking if my W got menopause and I get ED, then that should take care of things. But that doesn't seem to be the case. You still love your husband. And you don't really know if you can leave him. I feel the same about my wife. I've threatened a couple of times to leave although I don't really know if I can go through with it. And we have two kids. I really don't see how I can leave with them around. They are too precious. Fortunately she bends so we stay. In a way, she is trapped because she cares about the kids too. Your H loves you deeply, and I know my W loves me deeply too. But it really isn't enough I think. I thought that love is real if you would die for your spouse. Perhaps I got it backward. Maybe love is real if you would live for them. And we want more of them...more intimacy. Good luck, hh. |
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Post by unmatched on May 23, 2016 1:25:05 GMT -5
Your H loves you deeply, and I know my W loves me deeply too. But it really isn't enough I think. I thought that love is real if you would die for your spouse. Perhaps I got it backward. Maybe love is real if you would live for them. And we want more of them...more intimacy. Good luck, hh. I really like this. Love isn't being willing to die for somebody, it is being willing to live for them. |
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Post by heavyheart on May 24, 2016 19:48:42 GMT -5
obobfla Yes, you nailed it. I do love him but I do want more. That's where the guilt sets in. He is very loving in other ways. He is always hugging, kissing me (quick peck on the lips), always saying how much he loves me, etc. The past couple of weeks though it irritates me a bit when he hugs and kisses me and I don't know why all of a sudden. He is an amazing dad and constantly running around doing things for us. We are his whole world. After years of arguing, I finally compelled him to go to a urologist about 2 years ago and he identified the problem. My hubby needs to go for minor surgery which freaks him out. The doc also told him to lose weight - he is stocky but doesn't look really overweight. Instead he gained a lot of weight that he is slowly trying to lose now. We did try Viagra but it didn't seem to last and because recently he gets borderline elevated blood pressure, I worry something may happen if I push him to take the pills. Getting him to go back to the doctor I know will take a lot of fighting again and I am just too emotionally drained as I am also dealing with a terminally ill parent and a stressful job. Maybe I am not trying hard enough or have given up on some level I think? His libido isn't gone though. I asked him about it once and he confessed he does pleasure himself occasionally. So then I wonder is he not attracted to me anymore? I think I am attractive but maybe not to him anymore? I have had candid discussions with him about this whole situation. He insists he is attracted to me. One weekend I was so emotionally and physically drained I didn't get out of bed at all of Saturday so he was quite concerned but annoyed too. He thinks I have an off switch and can shut out my feelings. When I tell him part of what triggers my sadness is our lack of intimacy but his eyes well up and he feels that because he loves me deeply that should be enough. Then again my guilt sets in...sigh. hh, glad to have you in the forum. Sorry to hear of your situation. I was doing online search on menopause recently and got me reading about ED as well. I was thinking if my W got menopause and I get ED, then that should take care of things. But that doesn't seem to be the case. You still love your husband. And you don't really know if you can leave him. I feel the same about my wife. I've threatened a couple of times to leave although I don't really know if I can go through with it. And we have two kids. I really don't see how I can leave with them around. They are too precious. Fortunately she bends so we stay. In a way, she is trapped because she cares about the kids too. Your H loves you deeply, and I know my W loves me deeply too. But it really isn't enough I think. I thought that love is real if you would die for your spouse. Perhaps I got it backward. Maybe love is real if you would live for them. And we want more of them...more intimacy. Good luck, hh. Beautifully said lwoetin! |
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Post by heavyheart on May 24, 2016 19:51:13 GMT -5
What you are saying is soooo much what I'm going through! I am so sad most of the time, angry and resentful at other times and very frustrated! I have got to the stage now where I don't return his kisses or any affection...it's just easier to shut it all out rather than be thrown a few crumbs and knowing that it won't be going any further. I'm so sorry for you as I completely know what you're going through x So comforting to know I am not alone...truly helps me cope a little better  Thank you! x |
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Thank you! x