Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2018 21:05:29 GMT -5
This poll is only for the "stayers".... Any resemblance to actual events is purely coincidental  |
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 23, 2018 21:19:14 GMT -5
No question - If it was sincere. I’d still love to have a full relationship with her.
If it was mechanical, tick-the-box, with no emotional connection or pleasure on her part, then no. And there’s the crux of the problem.
You’re very fortunate. Enjoy it for all it’s worth. May it stay genuine and have a long life.
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Post by workingonit on Aug 23, 2018 21:33:35 GMT -5
I said no because I really have lost that lovin feelin toward him. I would like it to return. I wish I could say yes to this poll
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2018 21:42:41 GMT -5
You were one of the people I had in mind when I created this, workingonit. |
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catsloveme
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Dwelling in the possible
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Post by catsloveme on Aug 23, 2018 23:42:05 GMT -5
My “yes” is also conditional. He would have to show genuine desire and make a real effort to woo me.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 23, 2018 23:45:21 GMT -5
I said no. Im conflicted bc I really do enjoy fucking with my wife. BUT....not if she is just going through the motions
Fortunately I wont have this dilemma, its highly doubtful she initiates
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Post by h on Aug 24, 2018 4:31:47 GMT -5
I'm leaning towards yes, but didn't vote because I'm not sure. A couple nights ago, my W tried to initiate and I turned her down. It had been over 2 weeks since she had shown any interest in me and we have been arguing a lot lately so I had no reason to expect she would be in the mood. I took care of myself in the shower (twice actually). When I came out of the bathroom, she had mood lighting and was naked on the bed waiting for me. I laid down next to her and told her that I had just taken care of myself and wouldn't be able to go again. She rolled over and told me to turn off the lights. I said I was sorry but reminded her that it had been over 2 weeks and that I had no way of knowing she would be interested in sex but she didn't respond and just went to sleep.
*Before anyone comments on this, I would have been happy to pleasure her in other ways, but she's not interested. If I can't fully participate then she thinks it's not "fair" and doesn't want to receive. It makes her feel guilty and kills the mood for her. She is under this assumption that we both have to orgasm or it doesn't count or something like that.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2018 5:36:20 GMT -5
I'm unable to vote for either choice for similar reasons as DryCreek. I'd love to have a full-on, carnal relationship with my husband. However, with all circumstances considered, I'd wonder: Is this out of pity, duty, or guilt? Is he doing this because he loves me, because he wants me? The last factor is the one of which I'm terrified to face; can my body handle it? I haven't had sex with anyone, outsourcing or in-house, since the really severe pain set in. I used to be so sexually vibrant. It kills me now that I feel like such a dud. |
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Post by mackowitz on Aug 24, 2018 17:39:48 GMT -5
I said no because I don't believe it would be sincere interest in sex on her part. My wife doesn't like sex, but she only recently told me exactly that. With that knowledge looking back over the years at our (lack of) sex life, it's clear that even in the "good old days" when we managed sex once a month, it was very much check off the box, get it over with as soon as possible for her. In the past I have experienced anxiety that she might initiate and how would she react if I refused. I don't worry about that at all anymore, since her initiating is so unlikely.
My wife is beautiful, but seeing her naked in the bedroom after a shower is more awkward than arousing. Definitely some pent up resentment affecting my reaction to a sexy woman.
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Post by Anonymous Steve on Aug 24, 2018 20:29:27 GMT -5
Answer is yes.
The line between duty sex and "real sex" is not nearly as sharp as most people here seem to believe.
In my case, my wife wants our relationship to be sexual, she needs sex in our marriage to feel fulfilled and she needs sex from me to feel that I love her. None of this translates into much sexual desire in her, and she feels absolutely no spontaneous desire. We are both busy, we have children aged 5 and 7, and unless we both put in some forced effort to make sex happen it won't. For most of the last decade and a half it didn't. Most of you would likely write off our revival as "duty sex". In reality it's just the work that we have to do to maintain a sexual marriage.
Regardless of this, if your spouse is suddenly going to properly commit to frequent, regular sex, they are actually making a significant personal commitment to your marriage and to your needs. If you really believe it is entirely duty/guilt sex (it likely isn't), then this is even a selfless commitment. Your spouse can change their behavior, they cannot simply change the way they feel, so there is likely nothing that they could possibly do that would bring your marriage back to life from your perspective. If you refuse this, your marriage is truly beyond the point it can be saved.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Aug 25, 2018 1:03:49 GMT -5
This poll is only for the "stayers".... Any resemblance to actual events is purely coincidental I wish we could chose both, mostly its no but lets face it I am human. After a 5 year drought I might, but pretty sure it would end badly. Once I remember he quit having sex with me cause I am fat it would be over. |
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Post by h on Aug 25, 2018 5:05:08 GMT -5
Answer is yes. The line between duty sex and "real sex" is not nearly as sharp as most people here seem to believe. In my case, my wife wants our relationship to be sexual, she needs sex in our marriage to feel fulfilled and she needs sex from me to feel that I love her. None of this translates into much sexual desire in her, and she feels absolutely no spontaneous desire. We are both busy, we have children aged 5 and 7, and unless we both put in some forced effort to make sex happen it won't. For most of the last decade and a half it didn't. Most of you would likely write off our revival as "duty sex". In reality it's just the work that we have to do to maintain a sexual marriage. Regardless of this, if your spouse is suddenly going to properly commit to frequent, regular sex, they are actually making a significant personal commitment to your marriage and to your needs. If you really believe it is entirely duty/guilt sex (it likely isn't), then this is even a selfless commitment. Your spouse can change their behavior, they cannot simply change the way they feel, so there is likely nothing that they could possibly do that would bring your marriage back to life from your perspective. If you refuse this, your marriage is truly beyond the point it can be saved. What you described isn't guilt/duty sex. It is an intentional effort to make sex happen despite the pressures of life getting in the way. You said yourself that your W needs sex from you to feel that you love her. That is immensely different than duty sex because it has feeling behind it. It starts from a place of love and not obligation. It is a recognition that sex is vital to marriage and not just a chore to be tolerated in order to prevent divorce. |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 25, 2018 7:14:27 GMT -5
I said NO.
Sex is off the table with Mr Bballgirl and we are finally on the same page.
If he miraculously decided he wanted to, I would tell him that I’m not interested in sex and whatever means he used during our 23 year marriage- porn and his hand - that will have to be his go to.
I remember what sex with him is like and it’s not worth my time.
He’s a selfish person in the sack and again a waste of my time.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2018 7:29:25 GMT -5
I'll discuss this based explicitly on the way the OP stated the conditions: " If your refuser spouse suddenly wanted regular sex, would you say yes?"
First, the OP didn't specify with whom the spouse wanted to have regular sex. However, regardless of whether it was with me or somebody else, I would say "yes." If with somebody else, then that could open any of a variety of avenues for me. If with me, then I would still say "yes" but I would have, based on experience, a clear expectation regarding the shifting sands of a refuser's wants.
After about a 3-month separation many years ago, she claimed a complete change of outlook and wanted regular sex as part of married life (although her language was pleasingly more vulgar). I accepted the proposal, and the separation ended. While not frequent by many standards (maybe once per week), marital sex had returned. Unfortunately, the sudden want of regular marital sex did not make the transition to an enduring want. Once per week morphed into once per month then once per... When it happened for the last time, I was pretty sure that it would be the last time. That was around 2003.
The progression from what I interpreted a sincere want to a sincere don't want ever again consumed about 3 years. How much of the three years involved duty or some other unpalatable variant, I can't say.
So, for what it's worth, I believe that I would say "yes" to the proposal under the exact conditions that the OP specified. However, when things faded out this time around, I would be saddened at the predicted loss but disinclined to experience any sense of surprise, inadequacy or responsibility.
Also for what it's worth, what is the probability that I will ever again confront the conditions specified by the OP? Minuscule.
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Post by nyctos on Aug 25, 2018 9:29:46 GMT -5
Yes, though it would likely make me feel awful for awhile until it truly got to be regular.
I know the thoughts that would go through my mind -- especially after being in this board. Why is a she doing this? Is it just a ploy to further control me? Is she cheating and this is out of guilt? Is she really connecting when we have sex?
I would do it, though, knowing that if there's a real chance, then this would have to be part of it.
Someone brought up the idea of the refuser wanting regular sex, but with someone else. If this did happen, I'd certainly allow her to: first,I couldn't actually stop it anyway, and second it would make me much more free to outsource myself.
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