jgb
Junior Member
Posts: 32 
|
Post by jgb on Aug 22, 2018 10:26:28 GMT -5
The calculus can be perfectly clear and still lead to a situation where you don't get everything. In fact it almost certainly will
The fact is, I love my wife. I am lost without her. We are well matched in almost everything. it's not perfect...she has her 'flaws'. Her family is entirely dysfunctional and there are scars from that which she does NOT like to admit. She can be stubborn. She has a temper. (so do I).
But we have fun together. We travel. I enjoy being with her. We have raised two amazing kids who became two great adults.
But my wife has zero interest in sex. None. As in never. We have not had sex in years...I have lost track really, but at least 10. (Next month is our 30th anniversary). She probably would compromise and agree to some sex, but, the thing is, I am absolutely horrified at the idea of sex with anyone who isn't doing it because they want to. It makes me shudder to even think about it. (so paying for it is a definite no)
So...consider leaving? Well, I am middle aged man now (sidebar: finding people who want to fuck you is considerably easier for women...) I am not tall. I am not good looking. Because of my own mental health issues and the medicines they require, I am sexually dysfunctional. So a realistic assessment of my chances of walking out the door into a world of p**sy? Zero.
So does it make any sense whatsoever to considering leaving her? Because this one aspect of our marriage (which, don't get me wrong, does bother me...a lot) is shit, the answer is to make the rest of my life shit to match?
|
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 22, 2018 11:05:00 GMT -5
jgb I can relate to a lot of what you say especially the part below. At one point a few years back, W actually suggested I pay for it if I was so unhappy. That was a mindfuck that took me me weeks to process. I thought it was cruel and insensitive whether she was serious or not. These days I dont inititate and I am thoroughly confused about how to react the odd times she does because afterall, a rare BJ is like an oasis when you are stumbling in the desert. She probably would compromise and agree to some sex, but, the thing is, I am absolutely horrified at the idea of sex with anyone who isn't doing it because they want to. It makes me shudder to even think about it. (so paying for it is a definite no
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 22, 2018 11:33:34 GMT -5
jgb, what does your wife say when you let her know how bothered you are at having no sex, ever? (Bothered enough to find this site....) And did she ever enjoy sex? I can tell you a story or three about being 50 something and feeling unfuckable....
|
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Aug 22, 2018 12:06:05 GMT -5
jcb said: "The fact is, I love my wife. I am lost without her. "
Even if you and your wife stay for the distance, your marriage will end by death. Thus, it' wise to develop some interests and friends that are independent of your wife. It's also wise to develop the skills to be able to handle the things that your wife does for you and your household. Keep in mind that staying the distance may mean that you become the caregiver for a completely disabled wife. Thus, for your and her benefit, it would be wise for you to be able to handle things without her.
|
|
jgb
Junior Member
Posts: 32
|
Post by jgb on Aug 22, 2018 14:03:13 GMT -5
jgb , what does your wife say when you let her know how bothered you are at having no sex, ever? (Bothered enough to find this site....) And did she ever enjoy sex? I can tell you a story or three about being 50 something and feeling unfuckable.... We have only rarely discussed it...there seems little point. She is perfectly content with her complete lack of desire. She knows that I am not. I would not characterize her as 'indifferent' but she is very much of the "don't fret about things you can't do anything about' school. In her words, she 'rarely thinks about it". And, again, I cannot overstate my aversion to sex with someone there for any reason other than desire. The last time we discussed the issue, maybe a year ago?, we were in the car. When it sounded like the discussion might go in that direction, I remember thinking 'I'm going to have to throw myself out of a moving car'. Did she ever enjoy sex? Not that I could tell. The only times that she has ever (ever) initiated sex was when she wanted to be pregnant. And apparently one or both of us have superhuman reproductive abilities, because it only took a week the first time and less than two the second. Otherwise, it fell to me to start things. Over time, the frequency of her refusing grew (and, I don't care who you are, that sort of rejection stings). I finally stopped asking. At first just to see how long it would take before she asked or, at least, asked me why I quit asking. But she never did. |
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Aug 22, 2018 14:39:55 GMT -5
Sounds like she has the exact marriage she wants jgb. Obviously you do not, or you wouldn’t be here. But with you being more willing to “throw yourself out of a moving car” rather than talk about it, not one thing has any hope of changing in the direction you wish it could. You quitting asking her for sex is likely the best thing you could have done in her eyes. |
|
jgb
Junior Member
Posts: 32
|
Post by jgb on Aug 22, 2018 15:12:58 GMT -5
Sounds like she has the exact marriage she wants jgb . Obviously you do not, or you wouldn’t be here. But with you being more willing to “throw yourself out of a moving car” rather than talk about it, not one thing has any hope of changing in the direction you wish it could. You quitting asking her for sex is likely the best thing you could have done in her eyes. To be clear, what I am not willing to talk about is having sex despite her lack of desire. I would say that I have about 90% of the marriage that I want. Of course, quantifying something like that is in eye of the beholder. Judging from some of the vitriol I have read here, I would guess that, some of those, if presented with my exact situation, would judge themselves at 10%...maybe -10%. It has been suggested, more than once, that my presence here indicates that I am struggling (or refusing) to admit I have a bad marriage and to find the courage to do something about it. As if this were a binary, black and white, issue. It's not. The problem isn't realistically fixable. I understand that. I have accepted that. But acceptance isn't like registering to vote...something done once and forgotten. It is something that has to be maintained. Talking about it, with those in similar situations, helps with that. That is why I was glad to see a section opened for people who are not leaving. More talking about keeping a positive outlook and less use of "shithole" as an adjective. |
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Aug 22, 2018 15:37:25 GMT -5
Sounds like she has the exact marriage she wants jgb . Obviously you do not, or you wouldn’t be here. But with you being more willing to “throw yourself out of a moving car” rather than talk about it, not one thing has any hope of changing in the direction you wish it could. You quitting asking her for sex is likely the best thing you could have done in her eyes. To be clear, what I am not willing to talk about is having sex despite her lack of desire. I would say that I have about 90% of the marriage that I want. Of course, quantifying something like that is in eye of the beholder. Judging from some of the vitriol I have read here, I would guess that, some of those, if presented with my exact situation, would judge themselves at 10%...maybe -10%. It has been suggested, more than once, that my presence here indicates that I am struggling (or refusing) to admit I have a bad marriage and to find the courage to do something about it. As if this were a binary, black and white, issue. It's not. The problem isn't realistically fixable. I understand that. I have accepted that. But acceptance isn't like registering to vote...something done once and forgotten. It is something that has to be maintained. Talking about it, with those in similar situations, helps with that. That is why I was glad to see a section opened for people who are not leaving. More talking about keeping a positive outlook and less use of "shithole" as an adjective. I think there are plenty of others here who feel the same way you do. |
|
|
|
Post by flashjohn on Aug 22, 2018 17:06:11 GMT -5
So...consider leaving? Well, I am middle aged man now (sidebar: finding people who want to fuck you is considerably easier for women...) I am not tall. I am not good looking. Because of my own mental health issues and the medicines they require, I am sexually dysfunctional. So a realistic assessment of my chances of walking out the door into a world of p**sy? Zero. So does it make any sense whatsoever to considering leaving her? Because this one aspect of our marriage (which, don't get me wrong, does bother me...a lot) is shit, the answer is to make the rest of my life shit to match? My friend, don't be too sure about that. I was very surprised at the number of women who were interested in me. You may find that women in your age bracket are very interested in a single middle-aged man. |
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Aug 22, 2018 17:19:57 GMT -5
jgb said: "So...consider leaving? Well, I am middle aged man now (sidebar: finding people who want to fuck you is considerably easier for women...) I am not tall. I am not good looking. Because of my own mental health issues and the medicines they require, I am sexually dysfunctional. So a realistic assessment of my chances of walking out the door into a world of p**sy? Zero."
Any woman can easily find someone to fuck her if she's willing to just get fucked by anyone. However, most women aren't so desperate to want sex from just anyone. However, most women want relationships -- not just sex with no strings, and the older women are, the harder that is to find. If, however, she wants just no strings sex, she can trade up -- get a younger, handsomer man, etc because women are in short supply on the hook-up sites.
When it comes to middle aged and older people looking for relationships, it's easier for men to find partners. First, the older one gets, the more the male: female ratio tips in male's favor. Also, after women are no longer interested in having kids, the size of a man's wallet becomes less important. They aren't as likely to be looking for a man with the income to be able to support the woman and any kids.
As for height, looks, etc., in general, the older men I see aren't as good looking as are the women they are dating. Due to the fact that so many men become sexually dysfunctional as they age, and so many women lose their libidos, women are more likely to accept being with a man who isn't a sexual stud or is able to provide oral but not PIV. Sites like OK Cupid allow people to share answers to question about things like this so one can rule out people whom one knows are not sexually compatible.
Still, being married considerably narrows the field of women who'd be interested in establishing a relationship with you.
Meanwhile, when it comes to your meds, it may be that if you had a willing partner, you would be sexually functional or at least willing to explore whether there are other medications that would address your health problem while allowing you to be sexually functional.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Aug 22, 2018 18:53:32 GMT -5
Since January 2017 your story has remained quite consistent in your posts Brother jgb . You are in an ILIASM deal, and you have "accepted" that. Except every so often, you realise you haven't truly accepted it at all and are quite resentful about it. So you do the sums again, figure that the upsides of staying outweigh the upsides of leaving, and you stay. A perfectly legitimate choice. The problem here is that of acceptance. If you have truly accepted the position then you wouldn't be still taking your missus' inventory. You'd be accepting her as she is, and you'd not be trying to extract things out of the relationship that aren't there to extract. The theoretical problems a middle aged bloke might have if single wouldn't even be a blip on the radar. It's a rotten position to be in Brother jgb . "Accepting" is one thing. "Accepting without resentment" is another. The resentment eventually poisons everything, even the things in your marriage that today you regard as good. But in the short term at least, you're staying, so short term I think the situation is one where you keep working on accepting "without resentment". Past posts of yours suggest that you see (or used to) a psychiatrist. Maybe directing those sessions toward "accepting without resentment" might have some value. |
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Aug 22, 2018 19:16:30 GMT -5
jgb said: "Because of my own mental health issues and the medicines they require, I am sexually dysfunctional."
What does this mean? Unable to climax? To get an erection? Uncontrollable premature ejaculation? If any of these things exist, do they happen all of the time or occasionally? After about age 40, most men at least occasionally have some problems with erections, etc. Have you sought medical assistance for whatever sexual problems you have?
If you really can't sexually function why does your wife's rejection of sex in your marriage bother you? Or are you capable of some forms of sex, but not others?
|
|
jgb
Junior Member
Posts: 32
|
Post by jgb on Aug 23, 2018 16:12:05 GMT -5
. "Accepting" is one thing. "Accepting without resentment" is another. Those are not the only choices. Resentment, at least the way that I would define it, implies that there is subject to be resented. In these sort of cases, (and as is amply demonstrated here), that would be the asexual party. I may be in the minority, but I can't find it myself to blame her at all. She (and all of us) has every right to feel whatever level of desire she ...uh...desires. I can only imagine how I would feel if I was told that I 'owed' someone sex or had betrayed them somehow by losing interest. I suppose it is fortuitous that I couldn't even if she wanted to. Seems tidy in a way. But it doesn't stop me from feeling like I have lost something that I should still have. A feeling of shame if you will. But is any of that her fault, either intentionally or otherwise? No. I have never felt a moment of resentment towards her. And if I don't resent her, then who? the universe? Pointless. |
|
|
|
Post by Caris on Aug 23, 2018 16:42:18 GMT -5
Sounds like she has the exact marriage she wants jgb . Obviously you do not, or you wouldn’t be here. But with you being more willing to “throw yourself out of a moving car” rather than talk about it, not one thing has any hope of changing in the direction you wish it could. You quitting asking her for sex is likely the best thing you could have done in her eyes. To be clear, what I am not willing to talk about is having sex despite her lack of desire. I would say that I have about 90% of the marriage that I want. Of course, quantifying something like that is in eye of the beholder. Judging from some of the vitriol I have read here, I would guess that, some of those, if presented with my exact situation, would judge themselves at 10%...maybe -10%. It has been suggested, more than once, that my presence here indicates that I am struggling (or refusing) to admit I have a bad marriage and to find the courage to do something about it. As if this were a binary, black and white, issue. It's not. The problem isn't realistically fixable. I understand that. I have accepted that. But acceptance isn't like registering to vote...something done once and forgotten. It is something that has to be maintained. Talking about it, with those in similar situations, helps with that. That is why I was glad to see a section opened for people who are not leaving. More talking about keeping a positive outlook and less use of "shithole" as an adjective. While I agree with most of what you say, I don’t even think you need to have a positive outlook, in such circumstances. If thinking positive and as I call it “pretending to be happy when you are not,” well if it helps, that’s up to the individual. I found my positivity in being grateful for what I did have, but now looking back, it was a band aid, a defense mechanism to keep me going in the misery that was my life. All the pain was buried, and rose to the surface frequently. It was a disaster given the outcome of trying to live that way for 25-years, but then again my marriage was different from yours in that it was not only sexless but emotionally and mentally abusive, which resulted in a form of PTSD, which I’m gradually healing and managing, but it’s unlikely I’ll ever have an intimate relationship again. The damage from staying was so great. However, it was my choice to stay, and I have no problem with anyone choosing to stay. Sometimes it’s best for a person to get out, and sometimes it’s not, when you take into account the whole picture. Even though I’m out now, it wasn’t my doing, and I’d probably be a widow now rather than a divorcee, if it had been up to me, so I relate more to those who choose to stay than those who got out because being out for me is better in one respect, and no better in others. |
|
xfoo
New Member
Posts: 15
Age Range: 41-45
|
Post by xfoo on Sept 21, 2018 0:21:58 GMT -5
Resentment, at least the way that I would define it, implies that there is subject to be resented. In these sort of cases, (and as is amply demonstrated here), that would be the asexual party. I may be in the minority, but I can't find it myself to blame her at all. She (and all of us) has every right to feel whatever level of desire she ...uh...desires. I can only imagine how I would feel if I was told that I 'owed' someone sex or had betrayed them somehow by losing interest. While it is true that she has every right to feel whatever level of desire she likes, it is not true that women (or men) without sexual desire have every right to marry. Marriage is a relationship whose primary boundary is sexual exclusivity. Want to exercise? Great, do it with anybody. Want to start a business? Great, do it with anybody. Want to share real estate? Great, do it with anybody. Want to have deep and involved conversations? Great, do it with anybody. Want to eat food? Great, do it with anybody. Want a back rub? Great, get one from anybody. Want a back rub while you are naked? Great, get one from a licensed massage therapist. Want a back rub while you are both naked? Great, get one from... whoa there buddy. You have to get that one from your wife. What, she doesn't believe in them? Sucks to be you. A low libido or asexual person has a responsibility to withdraw from (or at least offer to withdraw from) a marriage. When you enter a marriage relationship you enter a sexual relationship (yes, there are other aspects of a marriage, but that is an elemental aspect for which there are no substitutes). If you are not a sexual person you should not enter a sexual relationship. It is a fraud and shame on you for doing so. If you have evolved (devolved) into a non-sexual person you should not remain in a sexual relationship. It is a fraud and shame on you for doing so. Do I resent my low libido/asexual wife? Sure as shootin'. As the asexual member of a sexual relationship the onus is on her to either fix the problem (if a fix is to be had) or to recognize the dysfunction and volunteer to withdraw from the relationship sans alimony or dividing of assets. |
|
