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Post by JMX on May 20, 2016 20:39:23 GMT -5
I have a work colleague, one that is not in my company, but a part of the process, if you will.
I have heard stories about her. I longed to meet her.
She happened upon my little corner of my world yesterday. I hung on every word she said. She's not a rockstar in my profession. She is good at what she does, but not everyone knows who she is. I am one of the lucky ones. I knew who she was, and I waited like a fly in the spider web for her to grace my presence.
I admit - I am a bit of an Anglophile. I love the accent. I love the stoicism.
She is a surprisingly direct and Americanized. She is a female Donald Trump-with a British accent. A bull in a China shop. She breaks lesser humans. She is my muse. And, I told her so.
We talked a couple of times over several days for many hours. I helped her with her social media sites (she's older and not as sure about tech) and she talked to me about life. She fucked me up. In a good way.
I tell everyone - EVERYTHING! I did with her too.
My biggest takeaway?
She said: "YOU ARE THE PROBLEM".
I stopped myself from arguing my point. I wanted to say: "No! it's HIM!!!! " and plead my case. She would have had none of it and I knew it.
She said: "No, bitch! YOU ARE THE FUCKInG PROBLEM." She sounded so polite, in her beautiful accent.
She went on to explain that I am the problem because I accept the situation. I never follow through. I am never going to get done with this if I do not draw the line. Even if the line is just saying, "you stepped over my line, fucker" (as she put it).
She doesn't buy what I am selling - that I am financially stuck.
But you HAVE to have a line. No matter the cost.
My crazy new Brit friend came at the perfect time. I had just seen my therapist about building my own emotional wall. Therapist told me my statements were all about him and what he is or isn't doing still).
I refused a trip to see my in-laws next weekend. I told him I "cannot play happy family" and that my motivations for wanting to go were "not in line with what they should be". It was the best I could do.
I will be a nervous wreck until my children get there and back. I hate not being with them. But I will not play "happy family".
He has crossed a lot of lines. Fuck him. Fuck all of our spouses. The problem is US!
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Post by greatcoastal on May 20, 2016 21:10:10 GMT -5
Hate to say I told you so, but... I was too nice about it! Mentioned your stoic family routine that you have fallen into. And even forcing him to pay the bills, at least help!
Without saying it like your new Brit. Friend did, " if he wants to act like a child, set a boundary , and treat him like one! Those were things the kids could do, and help pay the bills!
Hope this helps, what you said helps me. I firmly told my wife the other day, " our daughter wants to go to public school, and I have no problem with it. I am not going to be picking her up or taking her to a private school, you can do it, I will be working" my daughter was just telling me about the seven classes she would be taking at this private school. WTF? Why is she still talking to her about it. Again she over rides my " no" like a tank! I have said numerous times, ( and so does my daughter) I hate home school, it's confusing, it's impossible to know if you are doing it right, I have no training, my daughter has special needs, it's humiliating, it's lonely, I hate it! Like a tank means nothing to her. Mon. I am getting the paperwork for public school.
So glad you are seeing an attorney, and good people are coming your way!
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omixochitl
Junior Member
“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27 
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 20, 2016 21:17:49 GMT -5
"Therapist told me my statements were all about him and what he is or isn't doing still"
Yep, my therapist said last meeting that I was expending all of my emotional energy on him. It's late and I'm going to bed,But I definitely want to revisit this thread. Because I think she's wrong. We cannot help but spend a huge majority of it on them, as their negative interactions with us are taking every bit of oxygen out of the room. They are our partners and we do live, eat, breathe and sometimes sleep in the same bedroom. But, damn, I love my dog, my parrot, my garden, my sisters, my friends and many other things. And I expend wonderful emotional energy on all of them.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2016 21:27:40 GMT -5
I'm a fan of your English girlcrush, JMX! She's right, in that yes, we accept the situation. Then, perpetuate mediocrity and settle. It's a tough life lesson, but what does she have to say to someone like me, who is still ambivalent about staying/leaving? I really am curious, because I like her style. |
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Post by baza on May 20, 2016 21:38:57 GMT -5
This, the revelation that the resolution of the problem comes down to YOU, and no-one else, is one of the hardest truths to acknowledge. And, once acknowledged, even harder to accept.
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The inconvenient truth is, that without your complicity, without your presence in it, the dysfunctional situation can NOT exist.
It can only continue for as long as you choose to remain in it.
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And that, is a very heavy responsibility on you. Intimidating. Challenging.
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It leaves you with extraordinarily difficult choices to consider.
And, unfortunately, no-one gets a pass on these choices.
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The resolution to these situations either comes from you - or - there is no resolution, and onward the dysfunctional situation goes indefinitely.
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I'd imagine this realisation has shaken you up a bit JMX.
Might be best to sit with it for a little while, absorb it, and then get it working FOR you.
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Post by JMX on May 20, 2016 21:42:05 GMT -5
Hate to say I told you so, but... I was too nice about it! Mentioned your stoic family routine that you have fallen into. And even forcing him to pay the bills, at least help! Without saying it like your new Brit. Friend did, " if he wants to act like a child, set a boundary , and treat him like one! Those were things the kids could do, and help pay the bills! Hope this helps, what you said helps me. I firmly told my wife the other day, " our daughter wants to go to public school, and I have no problem with it. I am not going to be picking her up or taking her to a private school, you can do it, I will be working" my daughter was just telling me about the seven classes she would be taking at this private school. WTF? Why is she still talking to her about it. Again she over rides my " no" like a tank! I have said numerous times, ( and so does my daughter) I hate home school, it's confusing, it's impossible to know if you are doing it right, I have no training, my daughter has special needs, it's humiliating, it's lonely, I hate it! Like a tank means nothing to her. Mon. I am getting the paperwork for public school. So glad you are seeing an attorney, and good people are coming your way! YOU ARE THE PROBLEM!!! Think about it. It will be my fourth attorney - btw. |
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Post by JMX on May 20, 2016 21:48:49 GMT -5
This, the revelation that the resolution of the problem comes down to YOU, and no-one else, is one of the hardest truths to acknowledge. And, once acknowledged, even harder to accept. - The inconvenient truth is, that without your complicity, without your presence in it, the dysfunctional situation can NOT exist. It can only continue for as long as you choose to remain in it. - And that, is a very heavy responsibility on you. Intimidating. Challenging. - It leaves you with extraordinarily difficult choices to consider. And, unfortunately, no-one gets a pass on these choices. - The resolution to these situations either comes from you - or - there is no resolution, and onward the dysfunctional situation goes indefinitely. - I'd imagine this realisation has shaken you up a bit JMX. Might be best to sit with it for a little while, absorb it, and then get it working FOR you. Thank you "baza". All true. I will go to my third and (maybe fourth) lawyer in the next couple of weeks. I will figure a way out of my mess. It's a fucking mess - but it is entirely my fault. Best everyone reading this would follow suit. It IS your fault because you ACCEPT it. |
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Post by JMX on May 20, 2016 21:50:31 GMT -5
I'm a fan of your English girlcrush, JMX! She's right, in that yes, we accept the situation. Then, perpetuate mediocrity and settle. It's a tough life lesson, but what does she have to say to someone like me, who is still ambivalent about staying/leaving? I really am curious, because I like her style. She would say you're stupid and wasting your life. She has also been divorced at least twice (that I know of) and is a little harsher than most. She just survived breast cancer. I admire her! She is my new boo. She slays. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2016 22:05:23 GMT -5
I'd call her stupid for being divorced more than once, so we would be even, JMX. LOL |
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Post by itsjustus on May 20, 2016 22:05:44 GMT -5
I have a work colleague, one that is not in my company, but a part of the process, if you will. I have heard stories about her. I longed to meet her. She happened upon my little corner of my world yesterday. I hung on every word she said. She's not a rockstar in my profession. She is good at what she does, but not everyone knows who she is. I am one of the lucky ones. I knew who she was, and I waited like a fly in the spider web for her to grace my presence. I admit - I am a bit of an Anglophile. I love the accent. I love the stoicism. She is a surprisingly direct and Americanized. She is a female Donald Trump-with a British accent. A bull in a China shop. She breaks lesser humans. She is my muse. And, I told her so. We talked a couple of times over several days for many hours. I helped her with her social media sites (she's older and not as sure about tech) and she talked to me about life. She fucked me up. In a good way. I tell everyone - EVERYTHING! I did with her too. My biggest takeaway? She said: "YOU ARE THE PROBLEM". I stopped myself from arguing my point. I wanted to say: "No! it's HIM!!!! " and plead my case. She would have had none of it and I knew it. She said: "No, bitch! YOU ARE THE FUCKInG PROBLEM." She sounded so polite, in her beautiful accent. She went on to explain that I am the problem because I accept the situation. I never follow through. I am never going to get done with this if I do not draw the line. Even if the line is just saying, "you stepped over my line, fucker" (as she put it). She doesn't buy what I am selling - that I am financially stuck. But you HAVE to have a line. No matter the cost. My crazy new Brit friend came at the perfect time. I had just seen my therapist about building my own emotional wall. Therapist told me my statements were all about him and what he is or isn't doing still). I refused a trip to see my in-laws next weekend. I told him I "cannot play happy family" and that my motivations for wanting to go were "not in line with what they should be". It was the best I could do. I will be a nervous wreck until my children get there and back. I hate not being with them. But I will not play "happy family". He has crossed a lot of lines. Fuck him. Fuck all of our spouses. The problem is US! YES!!! If WE chose to accept what WE are getting, and it bothers US and *WE * don't do something to change...The problem is US!! |
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Post by JMX on May 20, 2016 22:09:07 GMT -5
I'd call her stupid for being divorced more than once, so we would be even, JMX. LOL Nope. I would call her experienced. She is NOT me/. She will have a hard time getting along with anyone. But!! She knows herself which is more than we can say. |
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Post by JMX on May 20, 2016 22:13:49 GMT -5
@zumbamami - no. She would have never put up with what we put up with . This is a promise.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2016 22:15:07 GMT -5
I'd call her stupid for being divorced more than once, so we would be even, JMX. LOL Nope. I would call her experiences. She is NOT me/. She will have a hard time getting along with anyone. But!! She knows herself which is more than we can say. Well, staring a potentially terminal illness tends to change a person's perspective and energy. I know myself. Very well, actually. I've been doing lots of personal work for the past couple of years, which is part of the reason I ended up here. It's been a process, but you're right, she sounds like someone who would has either friends or enemies - a real lightning rod. I'm more of the thunderstorm, than the actual lightning. I'd like to go bar hopping with y'all though. It would probably end up on the news.  |
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Post by tamara68 on May 21, 2016 4:03:14 GMT -5
Daunting and scary that any improvement depends on you / and on all of us. But also giving a sense of power. You / we CAN and WILL actually going to make the change that is what you / and we all need.  |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2016 5:52:12 GMT -5
JMX , you go girl! I am so glad she empowered you that way. I love the Brits too, well any of those British-derived accents, (Aussies - especially yummy), but I digress. She definitely named your part in all this - you allowed it, you stayed, you let it keep happening. I agree with that. I know that's my half of the problem too. And maybe the definitive half, because like tamara68 wisely said, along with that realization of our role in the drama, comes the knowledge that we have power to change it - to END it. I'm off to write a very important letter right now. You stay on top of the world, JMX . You got this!!
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