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Post by greatcoastal on May 21, 2016 8:24:14 GMT -5
Hate to say I told you so, but... I was too nice about it! Mentioned your stoic family routine that you have fallen into. And even forcing him to pay the bills, at least help! Without saying it like your new Brit. Friend did, " if he wants to act like a child, set a boundary , and treat him like one! Those were things the kids could do, and help pay the bills! Hope this helps, what you said helps me. I firmly told my wife the other day, " our daughter wants to go to public school, and I have no problem with it. I am not going to be picking her up or taking her to a private school, you can do it, I will be working" my daughter was just telling me about the seven classes she would be taking at this private school. WTF? Why is she still talking to her about it. Again she over rides my " no" like a tank! I have said numerous times, ( and so does my daughter) I hate home school, it's confusing, it's impossible to know if you are doing it right, I have no training, my daughter has special needs, it's humiliating, it's lonely, I hate it! Like a tank means nothing to her. Mon. I am getting the paperwork for public school. So glad you are seeing an attorney, and good people are coming your way! YOU ARE THE PROBLEM!!! Think about it. It will be my fourth attorney - btw. Respectfully disagree. when you have been a cheerful giver,caring ,loving,considerate person all your life,and it has worked well for you in all, if not many of your daily relationships with other people,now, " I am the problem!" because I live with a manipulative controller, and any effort to set boundaries is run over like a tank," I am the problem?" Nothing wrong with standing up for yourself. Unless your efforts produce change, it will erode your confidence. Not that a therapist knows everything, but when others point out that ,you will have to endure a never ending battle, that you are not suited for, it is time to pull out. Retreating ,changing your surroundings, regrouping, waiting for re enforcements, are all strategies to gain new ground. |
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Post by wewbwb on May 21, 2016 8:43:54 GMT -5
I agree, to a point, that we are the problem. That we accept our situation. However, I am not sure I buy into the "happiness or else" mentality that seems to come across. I could be wrong and that wasn't what she was saying or meant. I also do not believe that many of our situations are as black and white as that. Remember that we are in relationships with people we love or at least loved at some point. Our decisions affect them also and in many cases children.
Like i said - I could be wrong.
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Post by obobfla on May 21, 2016 8:47:35 GMT -5
YOU ARE THE PROBLEM!!! Think about it. It will be my fourth attorney - btw. Respectfully disagree. when you have been a cheerful giver,caring ,loving,considerate person all your life,and it has worked well for you in all, if not many of your daily relationships with other people,now, " I am the problem!" because I live with a manipulative controller, and any effort to set boundaries is run over like a tank," I am the problem?" Nothing wrong with standing up for yourself. Unless your efforts produce change, it will erode your confidence. Not that a therapist knows everything, but when others point out that ,you will have to endure a never ending battle, that you are not suited for, it is time to pull out. Retreating ,changing your surroundings, regrouping, waiting for re enforcements, are all strategies to gain new ground. Well, if you don't get out of the way of the tank, then, yes, you are the problem. It's called being an enabler. You put up with the bad behavior, and that allows her to misbehave. It's kind of like being married to an alcoholic. You may bitch about the drinking, but you make the money so she can buy the booze. There is also a child involved. A manipulative controller who ignores what her husband and child say does not deserve to be in a family. There are ways to confront someone without giving up your consideration. |
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Post by JMX on May 21, 2016 8:59:43 GMT -5
greatcoastal - I get it that it erodes your self confidence. But what obobfla says is correct. We agree with you that you are married to a manipulative controller. It matters not one bit that you are a cheerful giver, that you are caring or loving and considerate. She does not appreciate it. You are enabling her to be this way. I have enabled my husband to do it as well. I cannot force him to pay bills (the suggestion that this can be forced is absurd) and you cannot force your wife to do anything. You can leave and I can leave. So what? You set your boundaries and she runs over them. Then leave. It's simple. @zumbamami - I was a little too full of the Brit last night as well as a little vodka. Did not mean to come across as bitchy as I did. I also don't believe that one should never try. She even said that she is not one to take relationship advice from - considering her being on her third marriage. She did get into how she bends now, but her point was that if the behavior continues and continues and it is bringing you down, you should just leave and stop enabling. She was very harsh with me about it, and although I knew all of this, it was nice to hear it IRL looking into someone's eyes 
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Post by ggold on May 21, 2016 12:57:40 GMT -5
I have a work colleague, one that is not in my company, but a part of the process, if you will. I have heard stories about her. I longed to meet her. She happened upon my little corner of my world yesterday. I hung on every word she said. She's not a rockstar in my profession. She is good at what she does, but not everyone knows who she is. I am one of the lucky ones. I knew who she was, and I waited like a fly in the spider web for her to grace my presence. I admit - I am a bit of an Anglophile. I love the accent. I love the stoicism. She is a surprisingly direct and Americanized. She is a female Donald Trump-with a British accent. A bull in a China shop. She breaks lesser humans. She is my muse. And, I told her so. We talked a couple of times over several days for many hours. I helped her with her social media sites (she's older and not as sure about tech) and she talked to me about life. She fucked me up. In a good way. I tell everyone - EVERYTHING! I did with her too. My biggest takeaway? She said: "YOU ARE THE PROBLEM". I stopped myself from arguing my point. I wanted to say: "No! it's HIM!!!! " and plead my case. She would have had none of it and I knew it. She said: "No, bitch! YOU ARE THE FUCKInG PROBLEM." She sounded so polite, in her beautiful accent. She went on to explain that I am the problem because I accept the situation. I never follow through. I am never going to get done with this if I do not draw the line. Even if the line is just saying, "you stepped over my line, fucker" (as she put it). She doesn't buy what I am selling - that I am financially stuck. But you HAVE to have a line. No matter the cost. My crazy new Brit friend came at the perfect time. I had just seen my therapist about building my own emotional wall. Therapist told me my statements were all about him and what he is or isn't doing still). I refused a trip to see my in-laws next weekend. I told him I "cannot play happy family" and that my motivations for wanting to go were "not in line with what they should be". It was the best I could do. I will be a nervous wreck until my children get there and back. I hate not being with them. But I will not play "happy family". He has crossed a lot of lines. Fuck him. Fuck all of our spouses. The problem is US! Yes. I realize my role in my situation. I let it all go. Allowed myself to be led down the SM road. |
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Post by SweepyBear on May 22, 2016 5:20:06 GMT -5
Well, you can a.ways rely on us Brits to cut through all the crap when necessary, often we don't say a lot, but when we do, it's usually entertaining  |
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Post by itsjustus on May 23, 2016 15:17:59 GMT -5
I agree, to a point, that we are the problem. That we accept our situation. However, I am not sure I buy into the "happiness or else" mentality that seems to come across. I could be wrong and that wasn't what she was saying or meant. I also do not believe that many of our situations are as black and white as that. Remember that we are in relationships with people we love or at least loved at some point. Our decisions affect them also and in many cases children. Like i said - I could be wrong. No, wewbwb you aren't wrong. Not in these gray, non black and white situations. I have to apologize and remember that I've left my SM, so my perspective is now different. The biggest thing that struck me about the ILIASM forum when I first came, is that everyone here (there at EP) was a deeply caring person, who cared for and loved the person they are with. That's why there is so much angst and confliction. For the majority, that's why people came, the confusion of loving their spouse and yet feeling so trapped and hopeless. You care for them. You care for your children, if you have them. You care for the relationship, your vows, your kindness to the other. You care enough to hurt. Those that don't, don't end up here.
In a way, if you stay, you *are* the "problem", but that lexicon does have the implication that there is a fault in that. I would prefer to say it like Baz does. If you stay and accept the situation, it's your choice. And that's not always wrong.
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Post by wewbwb on May 23, 2016 15:30:50 GMT -5
Thank you for that itsjustus because I do have my doubts - the biggest being that since I'm not getting anything close to what I need out of the relationship - I'm sure neither is W. Is it kinder for us both to stop? But then who does that make me? Do I become the person I want? It's a tough call. So thank you. |
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Post by itsjustus on May 23, 2016 16:17:10 GMT -5
Thank you for that itsjustus because I do have my doubts - the biggest being that since I'm not getting anything close to what I need out of the relationship - I'm sure neither is W. Is it kinder for us both to stop? But then who does that make me? Do I become the person I want? It's a tough call. So thank you. This....is exactly what I was saying. These deep questions you are asking yourself, the deep questions all the others are asking themselves. Because you care, you think of what your wife is getting out of the relationship as well. You think of kindness. You worry about what that makes you, and what it makes you in the future. It most definitely is a tough call, one of the hardest of yours, and my, life. That makes you a good man.
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Post by wewbwb on May 23, 2016 16:19:13 GMT -5
Hey whoa @itjustus That's a lot to live up to! But thank you - ( and yes this is me hiding behind humor once again) |
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Post by itsjustus on May 23, 2016 16:48:22 GMT -5
Hey whoa @itjustus That's a lot to live up to! But thank you - ( and yes this is me hiding behind humor once again) Ha ha! Sorry man!!! Ok...how about it makes you a pretty decent guy. No pressure. LOL!!!!
(humor is a great hiding place. beats a lot of others....)
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