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Post by sweetplumeria on Aug 24, 2018 14:24:41 GMT -5
[/quote] This discussion board is for people who are staying, or something like that. That is why I asked.
It is quite obvious that there are very few here who fall into that category. It is funny that I see posts from the people who are planning to leave or from those who have left. It seems that the intent of this board has not sunk in.
But, welcome to the class..
[/quote] Some of those who are currently divorced were once staying. Thanks for the welcome?!? |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 24, 2018 15:45:32 GMT -5
Clarifying that “choosing to stay” can be choosing to stay right now, until finances get better, until the kids go off to college, or even choosing to stay til death do we part.
There would be few posts of it were only for those choosing to stay til death. While the majority of iliasm members are staying, most of those staying don’t post
The official description of this board:
“This message board -- "Choosing To Stay" -- is for posts focusing on the challenges of staying in a sexless marriage and for the support of those specifically endeavoring to do just that. Anyone who posts here must respect that this is a valid choice for anyone dealing with an SM.
Thus the "rules" for this board are pretty simple:
If you are in an SM and choosing to staying in the marriage, you may post here. Post your questions, advice, struggles, and -- we hope to hear -- your successes.
If that isn’t you, but you are willing to give earnest, supportive advice, you may post here.
If that isn’t you and you aren’t willing to be supportive… consider replying to other posts in other boards in the ILIASM forum.”
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Post by shamwow on Aug 24, 2018 17:56:41 GMT -5
I have been staying... intended to stay until he dies (he is older than me), but I fear its killing me. I dont think the grass is greener anywhere else. If I leave this life I trade hardships. Staying is both hard and easy. Its hard because as a human you want sex and touch. Its easy because of the establishment of life, home, etc. But why are you asking? Does it feel like no one is staying? This discussion board is for people who are staying, or something like that. That is why I asked.
It is quite obvious that there are very few here who fall into that category. It is funny that I see posts from the people who are planning to leave or from those who have left. It seems that the intent of this board has not sunk in.
But, welcome to the class..
That was me for 20 years. I do know a thing or two about staying even though I eventually left. I fully support anyone who decides to stay and God knows I empathize with that decision. And I like this section since I know that person's choice and refrain from advocating they leave. Which I do not believe I have done. |
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Post by h on Aug 24, 2018 20:02:25 GMT -5
Apparently he didn't like the responses. He's gone.
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Post by baza on Aug 24, 2018 20:23:58 GMT -5
I don't think anyone "likes" the responses here Brother h !! I know that I sure didn't like what Sister @kungfuchic said to me when I arrived on the old Experience Project ILIASM board back in February 2009. In fact I was quite put out by some of the responses !! Anyway, Brother @lostsoul has taken out of the group what he found valuable, and left the rest, and that's how these groups work. Personally, I still feel like I am getting stuff out of the group. |
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Post by sweetplumeria on Aug 25, 2018 2:10:37 GMT -5
The count of us who are staying is at 3 or 4...... Most people aren't looking for an I am staying group... they know how to do that. Most of us found this group because we cant figure out how to have sex in our marriage. It seams that some coping strategies were mentioned in a different thread. I keep wondering if thats what people are on the hunt for. |
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Post by Caris on Aug 25, 2018 18:36:33 GMT -5
I have been staying... intended to stay until he dies (he is older than me), but I fear its killing me. I dont think the grass is greener anywhere else. If I leave this life I trade hardships. Staying is both hard and easy. Its hard because as a human you want sex and touch. Its easy because of the establishment of life, home, etc. But why are you asking? Does it feel like no one is staying? This discussion board is for people who are staying, or something like that. That is why I asked.
It is quite obvious that there are very few here who fall into that category. It is funny that I see posts from the people who are planning to leave or from those who have left. It seems that the intent of this board has not sunk in.
But, welcome to the class..
Lost soul, I know you have left this forum now, but it’s not solely for people who are staying. It’s also for those who relate to staying, even though no longer married, and some are no longer married because it wasn’t our choice, or most likely we would have stayed. It’s also for those supportive of staying. I’m also supportive of anyone leaving. It’s really up to the individual. I’m in the minority, I think, because I’m out of the marriage for 3-years, and I can’t wholly endorse leaving because while many leavers have started new lives with new partners, and have happier lives with a partner, it hasn’t happened for me, and life is as lonely as it was 3-years ago, and I’m still alone. I feel more comfortable in this group more than the post sexless marriage group because I don’t relate to all the happy stories of finding a new love, even though I’m happy for those who have. Worse, is when I’m made to feel like it’s my fault because I haven’t done enough to make it happen. I’m not into the dating scene. That’s just not me anymore. It’s either going to happen naturally, or It’s not, and so far (and the odds look like), it’s not going to happen, so I do relate more to those who stay because I stayed for 25-years until it was no longer my choice. |
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Post by jim44444 on Aug 25, 2018 21:37:21 GMT -5
I am staying. For now. The time frame is somewhere between today and when one of us dies.
I will not make a blanket statement that I will stay until death. Life has too many surprises to predict the future. For all I know I could be on a bike ride next week and meet someone who sweeps me off my feet. Maybe I will also hit the lottery.
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Post by mescaline on Aug 27, 2018 3:20:16 GMT -5
I'm the same a Jim, staying without significant plans for leaving yet. Daydreaming about it, but ultimately staying for my own selfish reasons, so I can still live with my kids.
Also trying to rationalise my own hopes versus the present and predicted future I know to be more of the same SM shit hole!
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bc
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Post by bc on Sept 7, 2018 9:35:55 GMT -5
I am staying. I will say and do anything I have to just out of pure laziness of not wanting to start over. I will gas light, manipulate, reset and bond and because I refuse to lose what I worked for. I will not divide or lose my family unit. I will fake my life with him and live my life when we are at work or I’m out with friends. As long as he believes it is all that matters to me. He can try tracking me but he has no idea I have a burner phone or an app on his phone. I will not give up my lifestyle that I know.
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 7, 2018 13:30:08 GMT -5
bc, that’s a bold and interesting approach. It certainly sounds like you’re taking ownership of your situation to control the outcome. If you care to share, what’s your situation, and how did you get there? You mention a burner phone, so presumably part of your solution is finding intimacy elsewhere? And what’s the app on his phone about?
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2018 21:20:15 GMT -5
I am staying. I will say and do anything I have to just out of pure laziness of not wanting to start over. I will gas light, manipulate, reset and bond and because I refuse to lose what I worked for. I will not divide or lose my family unit. I will fake my life with him and live my life when we are at work or I’m out with friends. As long as he believes it is all that matters to me. He can try tracking me but he has no idea I have a burner phone or an app on his phone. I will not give up my lifestyle that I know. I completely understand where you are right now. This was me in 2013. We had so many trust issues. Thinking knowledge is power, I began collecting forensic information from his phone and laptop. What I found led me to what his issues were with me, how we could recover, and how to deal with my issues with him. It took a long-ass time and a shit-ton of work. Neither one of us are perfect, but we trust each other now. Through hard work, both on ourselves, our careers, our home and relationships, we've built quite a life together. I don't want to give mine up either. What scares me about your post, is it sounds like neither of you trust the other. I don't have to tell you this can lead down some vicious paths. Please be careful. |
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Post by twotimesone on Sept 8, 2018 8:27:43 GMT -5
I am staying. I will say and do anything I have to just out of pure laziness of not wanting to start over. I will gas light, manipulate, reset and bond and because I refuse to lose what I worked for. I will not divide or lose my family unit. I will fake my life with him and live my life when we are at work or I’m out with friends. As long as he believes it is all that matters to me. He can try tracking me but he has no idea I have a burner phone or an app on his phone. I will not give up my lifestyle that I know. I completely understand where you are right now. This was me in 2013. We had so many trust issues. Thinking knowledge is power, I began collecting forensic information from his phone and laptop. What I found led me to what his issues were with me, how we could recover, and how to deal with my issues with him. It took a long-ass time and a shit-ton of work. Neither one of us are perfect, but we trust each other now. Through hard work, both on ourselves, our careers, our home and relationships, we've built quite a life together. I don't want to give mine up either. What scares me about your post, is it sounds like neither of you trust the other. I don't have to tell you this can lead down some vicious paths. Please be careful. I totally agree with what you said, but I am kind of with bc on this one. For me, I tried everything with my W, try to reset my relationship, convince her to counseling but often she used sex as a bargaining chip to make me do something. I just think it is too tough to start over because of the life we built together. I am there because of the kids, not because of my W (the SM started a few years after we had kids.) But once the kids are out of the coup, I am too. Meanwhile, I used a burner phone to outsource. |
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bc
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Post by bc on Sept 8, 2018 11:57:22 GMT -5
I am staying. I will say and do anything I have to just out of pure laziness of not wanting to start over. I will gas light, manipulate, reset and bond and because I refuse to lose what I worked for. I will not divide or lose my family unit. I will fake my life with him and live my life when we are at work or I’m out with friends. As long as he believes it is all that matters to me. He can try tracking me but he has no idea I have a burner phone or an app on his phone. I will not give up my lifestyle that I know. I completely understand where you are right now. This was me in 2013. We had so many trust issues. Thinking knowledge is power, I began collecting forensic information from his phone and laptop. What I found led me to what his issues were with me, how we could recover, and how to deal with my issues with him. It took a long-ass time and a shit-ton of work. Neither one of us are perfect, but we trust each other now. Through hard work, both on ourselves, our careers, our home and relationships, we've built quite a life together. I don't want to give mine up either. What scares me about your post, is it sounds like neither of you trust the other. I don't have to tell you this can lead down some vicious paths. Please be careful. |
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bc
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Post by bc on Sept 8, 2018 11:57:33 GMT -5
I am staying. I will say and do anything I have to just out of pure laziness of not wanting to start over. I will gas light, manipulate, reset and bond and because I refuse to lose what I worked for. I will not divide or lose my family unit. I will fake my life with him and live my life when we are at work or I’m out with friends. As long as he believes it is all that matters to me. He can try tracking me but he has no idea I have a burner phone or an app on his phone. I will not give up my lifestyle that I know. I completely understand where you are right now. This was me in 2013. We had so many trust issues. Thinking knowledge is power, I began collecting forensic information from his phone and laptop. What I found led me to what his issues were with me, how we could recover, and how to deal with my issues with him. It took a long-ass time and a shit-ton of work. Neither one of us are perfect, but we trust each other now. Through hard work, both on ourselves, our careers, our home and relationships, we've built quite a life together. I don't want to give mine up either. What scares me about your post, is it sounds like neither of you trust the other. I don't have to tell you this can lead down some vicious paths. Please be careful. |
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