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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2018 21:18:08 GMT -5
Fellow stayers, or choosers,
Who is staying?
I mean who is actually staying till the end?
Who is staying for good and not just until some milestone is met?
Who is staying, for whatever reason or rationalization, because they want to?
I was under the impression that this discussion board was for those of us who were staying. Staying.........
I am staying until one of us dies.
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Post by baza on Aug 10, 2018 23:25:30 GMT -5
That's a perfectly valid stance to take Brother @lostsoul .
The only problem with it is that the continuation - or cessation - of the marriage is NOT at your sole discretion.
It may be awfully unlikely, but your missus has equal rights in the dynamic and could pull the plug on the marriage if she so chose.
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 11, 2018 2:01:07 GMT -5
baza, while your point is valid, you seem determined to drive it home. Of course our spouse could file divorce. Or die. But this is not the “I can’t imagine life without my spouse” section. More like “This is a shit situation but not worth destroying my marriage over”. @lostsoul, I’m in the “choosing to stay” camp. To the bitter end, I don’t know. Divorce is no longer an off-limits option in my mind as it once was, and I may yet snap one day when coping fails. Although intimacy and sex are the distinctions of marriage vs other relationships, after 30 years there are a lot of roots that intertwine a couple, and the big picture has complexity. My approach is mostly the distraction method - I’m trying to find ways to accept my situation and seek outlets elsewhere for the passion I can’t share with my wife. Like chasing some dreams that I had shelved because she didn’t share my enthusiasm; impractical, creative aspirations. It’s a poor substitute, but it’s something.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2018 6:52:09 GMT -5
Andie is staying.
Andie is staying because of all the effort we've put in to coming back from the brink of failure. Is Mr. Anderson perfect? Fuck no. Neither am I. I don't care about perfect. I care about what we've both endeavored to keep together.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 11, 2018 11:04:06 GMT -5
Despite the fact that we are divorced - I still identify with this group because I’m back with Mr. Bballgirl and I am staying as long as I’m happy.
Currently I’m happy because I’ve come to peace with the years of SM, I no longer want sex with him but I refuse to remain sexless - my sexuality is none of his business, I have my family together, my finances are soooo much better, and right now being with him makes me happy and makes my life better. I do not get to have sex as much as i would like but I’m staying.
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Post by Caris on Aug 11, 2018 17:11:09 GMT -5
That's a perfectly valid stance to take Brother @lostsoul . The only problem with it is that the continuation - or cessation - of the marriage is NOT at your sole discretion. It may be awfully unlikely, but your missus has equal rights in the dynamic and could pull the plug on the marriage if she so chose. I don’t think it happens often, but it did happen to me. Twenty-five-years of staying, and my refuser divorced me behind my back. I didn’t know he’d filed until the day before the papers were served. If it had been up to me, I’d likely be a widow now, instead of a “divorced but feel like a widow.” It happens. |
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Post by baza on Aug 11, 2018 17:22:11 GMT -5
I am pretty sure that there are at least 4 current members who got blindsided by their spouse.
Whilst our member was deciding what to do - or in the midst of putting their exit strategy together - their spouse filed first.
So it is not unusual for the refuser to also be the one who files for divorce.
It isn't common, but it happens.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2018 8:52:37 GMT -5
The count of us who are staying is at 3 or 4......
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Post by workingonit on Aug 12, 2018 10:20:15 GMT -5
I think there are a few more, actually. Some people don't give us updates but still linger and seem to be staying in their SMs.
But @lostsoul I think this board is also for those of us that are staying for now. I think we need support too and not just the support of the divorce cheerleaders. Those of us that live on the fence are staying by definition. Afterall, some on the fence will fall into the staying for life category as well. I don't think we can live on the fence forever-- I know I can't
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2018 14:07:43 GMT -5
I think there are a few more, actually. Some people don't give us updates but still linger and seem to be staying in their SMs. But @lostsoul I think this board is also for those of us that are staying for now. I think we need support too and not just the support of the divorce cheerleaders. Those of us that live on the fence are staying by definition. Afterall, some on the fence will fall into the staying for life category as well. I don't think we can live on the fence forever-- I know I can't To me, on the fence means staying for now. I, too, was on the fence for some time. Both my husband and I made self-improvements to help us better understand each other. When I saw consistent improvement in him, I climbed down from the fence. We have to do what's right for ourselves and children (if applicable). Everyone here has a unique situation, where no one else can fully understand. Members only know what gets posted. Remember this when offering support. Also remember if divorce was the right thing for you, it may not be right for another member. As our friendly neighborhood admin said, "If that isn’t you and you aren’t willing to be supportive… consider replying to other posts in other boards in the ILIASM forum." |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2018 19:25:05 GMT -5
On the fence and getting dizzy  |
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Post by hrtbrkn on Aug 13, 2018 13:24:27 GMT -5
I plan to be with my husband until my last breath.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2018 15:56:14 GMT -5
There are certainly more than 3 or 4 of us. This is a much needed area, hopefully we can give it some life and support. Married 29 years and I came here a couple years ago when menopause showed up and turned "sexless by the 10x per year" definition into literally sexless.
I'm in for the long haul.
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Post by johnwyo1 on Aug 13, 2018 16:23:58 GMT -5
I'm going to stay. She will have to divorce me if she's so inclined but I'm going to keep trying to be good to her until that happens, one of us dies, or we change and become intimate. Thanks for starting this thread.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2018 16:38:22 GMT -5
looks like we are up to 6 or 7.
A couple more shrimp and we can have a cocktail!!
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