Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2018 16:41:05 GMT -5
That's a perfectly valid stance to take Brother @lostsoul . The only problem with it is that the continuation - or cessation - of the marriage is NOT at your sole discretion. It may be awfully unlikely, but your missus has equal rights in the dynamic and could pull the plug on the marriage if she so chose. and the car can break, stock market crash, lose the job, plane crash, have a heart attack, fall in the tub and die, etc....
or maybe I will fool her and die before she can divorce me.....
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Post by johnwyo1 on Aug 13, 2018 16:46:46 GMT -5
That's a perfectly valid stance to take Brother @lostsoul . The only problem with it is that the continuation - or cessation - of the marriage is NOT at your sole discretion. It may be awfully unlikely, but your missus has equal rights in the dynamic and could pull the plug on the marriage if she so chose. and the car can break, stock market crash, lose the job, plane crash, have a heart attack, fall in the tub and die, etc.... I realize that my wife has the equal potential to end the marriage. But I can only control what I can in my own behavior. I can be forgiving, like I was this weekend when she went off on me again, instead of being mean back to her. She was acting like she wanted to end the marriage and was throwing that around again. Just like when my therapist told me that I needed to not cower in front of her, I stood up to that threat and said that if she needed to in the marriage then that's what she should do. I also said that I didn't want in the marriage and that I would work to have a good marriage. And the next day I showed her forgiveness for all the mean things she had said. That changed her attitude and she for the first time in years at my forgiveness. So yes there can be all sorts of bad things that happen and none of them would be under my control. But at least that much is. |
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muzack
Junior Member
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Post by muzack on Aug 21, 2018 22:40:30 GMT -5
Staying and not making plans to leave. Call me an insane optimist that things will get better, or an insane pessimist that life won't get better if I leave.  |
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Post by baza on Aug 22, 2018 6:49:06 GMT -5
Brother @lostsoul - the number of members who are staying is huge.
There are far more people staying than there are who have left.
The stayers are numerically the majority of the membership.
Now "how happy" some of the stayers are could be debated.
But what can't be argued is that stayers are the majority of the members.
When last examined in March 2018 - it came out ---
17% say they are staying
33% say they are staying but thinking about leaving as a theory
20% say they are staying but pro-actively looking at leaving as a viable option
30% say they have left.
70% are staying one way or another, some of them thinking theoretically about leaving, some of them taking steps to leave, which may or may not see them leave their ILIASM deals.
That is a significant majority. Like 7 out of every 10.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 22, 2018 9:00:20 GMT -5
I suspect that there are quite a few who are staying for the long haul.
In general, those of us who left or are leaving are a bit more vocal of a crowd. That is because leaving requires terrifying action. And let's face it, the drama is more "exciting" to discuss (horrible word I know).
Those who are staying are generally more quiet. That's because there generally isn't much going on other than the occasional venting when the frustration boils over. That's why I like this section. It is all too easy for those of us who left to chime in and say how great it is on the other side. Come on over.
But the quiet ones here are generally going to stay. And there isn't much to report other than a SM sucks ass. And knowing there are others going through it and that you are not alone does provide solace.
So I think the majority of people here do stay, but that is why many post once or twice and never return. There just isn't much to report. But I wish they would post more. If for no other reason than to provide balance to those of us who advise the leave path.
I'm so glad I left its hard to articulate it. But that path isn't for everyone and the balance is nice.
Just rambling I guess...
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Post by baza on Aug 23, 2018 1:13:32 GMT -5
shamwow makes the highly relevant point. The choice to stay or to leave requires one to take a fearless examination of our situations. It requires us to examine options that we might find very unpalatable. All of this to get to a position of making a fully informed choice.....what is in your longer term best interests ? But it is that bit above - "requires us to examine options that we might find very unpalatable" is where things often hit the wall. You quite often see in here the statement from a newbie - "divorce is not an option". That's just bullshit, ruling out an option without fully considering it objectively and fully. You cannot make a fully informed choice from that position. And if you can't make a fully informed choice, then you can't bring your situation to resolution. Equally, you sometimes see really pissed off members say - "staying is not an option". That's bullshit too, of course it's an option, you've been living it FFS !! There is no "right" side here. Staying is a perfectly valid option as is leaving. But it has to be a fully informed choice that is in your best longer term interests. And that choice is going to be no easier for someone who makes a fully informed choice to stay because it is in their best longer term interests than it is for someone who makes a fully informed choice to leave because it is in their best longer term interests. We - all of us here - are dealing with the same common issue - the horrendously difficult task of fully researching the options, especially the unpalatable ones, so we can make a fully informed choice. And taking full ownership of - and responsibility for - that choice. There's no division here. We are all wrestling with the same difficulty. The difficulty of choice. In and of itself, "staying" is no "better" (or worse) a choice than leaving. "Leaving" is no "better" (or worse) a choice than "staying" The choice that is in your longer term best interests is the "right" choice for YOU. That might be staying, it might be leaving.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Aug 23, 2018 2:04:49 GMT -5
I have been staying... intended to stay until he dies (he is older than me), but I fear its killing me.
I dont think the grass is greener anywhere else. If I leave this life I trade hardships. Staying is both hard and easy. Its hard because as a human you want sex and touch. Its easy because of the establishment of life, home, etc.
But why are you asking? Does it feel like no one is staying?
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Post by sweetplumeria on Aug 23, 2018 2:28:24 GMT -5
I suspect that there are quite a few who are staying for the long haul. In general, those of us who left or are leaving are a bit more vocal of a crowd. That is because leaving requires terrifying action. And let's face it, the drama is more "exciting" to discuss (horrible word I know). Those who are staying are generally more quiet. That's because there generally isn't much going on other than the occasional venting when the frustration boils over. That's why I like this section. It is all too easy for those of us who left to chime in and say how great it is on the other side. Come on over. But the quiet ones here are generally going to stay. And there isn't much to report other than a SM sucks ass. And knowing there are others going through it and that you are not alone does provide solace. So I think the majority of people here do stay, but that is why many post once or twice and never return. There just isn't much to report. But I wish they would post more. If for no other reason than to provide balance to those of us who advise the leave path. I'm so glad I left its hard to articulate it. But that path isn't for everyone and the balance is nice. Just rambling I guess... I truly appreciate and agree with your ramble. I would like to add that we quiet ones often dont want to upset the applecart and live life in a kind of survival mode. Often survival involves the spouse not seeing or reading this page on a phone or laptop. So we become the lurkers, by default or choice as the case may be. |
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Post by shamwow on Aug 23, 2018 8:11:45 GMT -5
I suspect that there are quite a few who are staying for the long haul. In general, those of us who left or are leaving are a bit more vocal of a crowd. That is because leaving requires terrifying action. And let's face it, the drama is more "exciting" to discuss (horrible word I know). Those who are staying are generally more quiet. That's because there generally isn't much going on other than the occasional venting when the frustration boils over. That's why I like this section. It is all too easy for those of us who left to chime in and say how great it is on the other side. Come on over. But the quiet ones here are generally going to stay. And there isn't much to report other than a SM sucks ass. And knowing there are others going through it and that you are not alone does provide solace. So I think the majority of people here do stay, but that is why many post once or twice and never return. There just isn't much to report. But I wish they would post more. If for no other reason than to provide balance to those of us who advise the leave path. I'm so glad I left its hard to articulate it. But that path isn't for everyone and the balance is nice. Just rambling I guess... I truly appreciate and agree with your ramble. I would like to add that we quiet ones often dont want to upset the applecart and live life in a kind of survival mode. Often survival involves the spouse not seeing or reading this page on a phone or laptop. So we become the lurkers, by default or choice as the case may be. Oh I get it. I stayed 20 years after the marriage went off the rails (a week after the honeymoon). I hid my little "secret" of sites like this more diligently than I hid my porn stash. I sadly get the entire "survival mode" thing. |
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Post by sweetplumeria on Aug 23, 2018 9:42:07 GMT -5
I hid my little "secret" of sites like this more diligently than I hid my porn stash. I sadly get the entire "survival mode" thing. [/quote]
Are you still married? 20 years is a long time.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 23, 2018 17:19:32 GMT -5
I hid my little "secret" of sites like this more diligently than I hid my porn stash. I sadly get the entire "survival mode" thing. Are you still married? 20 years is a long time. [/quote] Nope. Got out a little over a year ago (on the day of my 20th anniversary). Met an amazing woman. Happy as hell. The last few months of the marriage during the divorce and a full year afterwards. Look under post sexless marriage and the T-minus thread. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2018 20:25:23 GMT -5
I have been staying... intended to stay until he dies (he is older than me), but I fear its killing me. I dont think the grass is greener anywhere else. If I leave this life I trade hardships. Staying is both hard and easy. Its hard because as a human you want sex and touch. Its easy because of the establishment of life, home, etc. But why are you asking? Does it feel like no one is staying? This discussion board is for people who are staying, or something like that. That is why I asked.
It is quite obvious that there are very few here who fall into that category. It is funny that I see posts from the people who are planning to leave or from those who have left. It seems that the intent of this board has not sunk in.
But, welcome to the class..
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Post by choosinghappy on Aug 24, 2018 3:34:01 GMT -5
But why are you asking? Does it feel like no one is staying? This discussion board is for people who are staying, or something like that. That is why I asked.
It is quite obvious that there are very few here who fall into that category. It is funny that I see posts from the people who are planning to leave or from those who have left. It seems that the intent of this board has not sunk in.
What you see is the people who are active posters. baza provided you with the “stats” on the membership - the number who are staying FAR outweigh the ones who are leaving or have left. Apparently many are just choosing not to reply to this post. If you have a problem with anyone chiming in on your posts here who have decided not to stay then I suggest you indicate in your original post that responses from anyone else is not welcome. I also suggest you remove the stick from your arse. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Aug 24, 2018 7:26:37 GMT -5
shamwow makes the highly relevant point. The choice to stay or to leave requires one to take a fearless examination of our situations. It requires us to examine options that we might find very unpalatable. All of this to get to a position of making a fully informed choice.....what is in your longer term best interests ? But it is that bit above - "requires us to examine options that we might find very unpalatable" is where things often hit the wall. You quite often see in here the statement from a newbie - "divorce is not an option". That's just bullshit, ruling out an option without fully considering it objectively and fully. You cannot make a fully informed choice from that position. And if you can't make a fully informed choice, then you can't bring your situation to resolution. Equally, you sometimes see really pissed off members say - "staying is not an option". That's bullshit too, of course it's an option, you've been living it FFS !! There is no "right" side here. Staying is a perfectly valid option as is leaving. But it has to be a fully informed choice that is in your best longer term interests. And that choice is going to be no easier for someone who makes a fully informed choice to stay because it is in their best longer term interests than it is for someone who makes a fully informed choice to leave because it is in their best longer term interests. We - all of us here - are dealing with the same common issue - the horrendously difficult task of fully researching the options, especially the unpalatable ones, so we can make a fully informed choice. And taking full ownership of - and responsibility for - that choice. There's no division here. We are all wrestling with the same difficulty. The difficulty of choice. In and of itself, "staying" is no "better" (or worse) a choice than leaving. "Leaving" is no "better" (or worse) a choice than "staying" The choice that is in your longer term best interests is the "right" choice for YOU. That might be staying, it might be leaving. I was in the "divorce is not an option" camp and the depression it was associated with it lead me very close to commuting suicide. For now, I'm in the staying camp as long as my marriage continues to improve but if it doesn't I will outsource my needs until I'm in the place where I can initiate the long drown out divorce process in the state that I live in. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2018 8:23:10 GMT -5
This discussion board is for people who are staying, or something like that. That is why I asked.
It is quite obvious that there are very few here who fall into that category. It is funny that I see posts from the people who are planning to leave or from those who have left. It seems that the intent of this board has not sunk in.
What you see is the people who are active posters. baza provided you with the “stats” on the membership - the number who are staying FAR outweigh the ones who are leaving or have left. Apparently many are just choosing not to reply to this post. If you have a problem with anyone chiming in on your posts here who have decided not to stay then I suggest you indicate in your original post that responses from anyone else is not welcome. I also suggest you remove the stick from your arse. It is quite simple, I CAN READ! |
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