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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 26, 2018 11:47:29 GMT -5
Ha ha. This reminds me of 10 years ago when a 2 week drought was grounds for divorce as far as I was concerned. *sigh* People talk about "low sex marriages" and then I find out they mean something like once a week. |
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Post by lwoetin on Nov 9, 2018 2:35:28 GMT -5
I invite others who have turned their marriages around to post on this thread, so we can have all the turnaround stories in one thread. This could be a resource for others who want to go for a turnaround. What were the key actions you took that enabled the turnaround? What was the aftermath? How do you feel about your marriage situation now? I'd also welcome people who are partway into a turnaround but not yet sure it will last (e.g. @shynjdude ), and people who have made other major turnarounds in their marriages (such as greatly increasing sex frequency, or turning a hostile relationship into a pleasant one) to post a summary here. Since you lowered the bar on what a turnaround is, I can add my two pennies on how I view my LIASM world. Been living with W for 24 years. She was very sexual in the beginning. Then two kids entered our world, and sex gradually disappeared. She thinks intimacy is for couples in their 20s. It's been a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs. We drew lines in the sand. She said no more sex after she turns 50. I said we'll re-evaluate our marriage after kids are off to college. Well, she's now 50 and sex stopped, around 8 months now. I remind her our youngest is a freshman in HS. She responded by saying she needs to start looking for a job where she can get health insurance for herself. I said, Sure, and added a little chuckle afterwards. We are tired of the games we play. We are not hostile to one another. I tell her I would desire starfish sex, any sex, really. She went to confession last Sunday and the following day she gave me oral. Nothing wild, but pleasant and sincere. I need to thank the young priest she saw. So, life is pleasant. I think we will figure things out. I tell her I love her, that she's the prettiest girl in the world, desire her hot body, she's my soulmate, yada yada yada. It's best for the kids. And for us to submit, and (resubmit)x70. |
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Post by baza on Nov 9, 2018 20:51:57 GMT -5
Jamesbonding are you now getting mutually enjoyable sex that your wife fully participates on or are you getting starfish sex? If you are getting mutually enjoyable sex do you know why your wife avoided sex for so long? Unfortunately it's almost always starfish sex. The first few weeks of our marriage, last month (September), and a very few other times are exceptions where she initiated and seemed to enjoy sex. Sometimes, during the day, she will initiate by saying we can have sex at some future time. I guess that happens when she is feeling good in general, is not tired, and is feeling generous toward me. But often, when the time comes, she will say she is tired (after staying up until 3AM watching soap operas, news shows and health shows on TV or on her computer!) and postpone the date to another day, or not even set another day. I think the main problem is just that she has a low libido. Soap operas and news shows are more interesting than sex! Her love language is not physical touch or quality time, so she doesn't even get any enjoyment from cuddling or sleeping together. With that mindset, it's hard for her to understand why sex, cuddling, and sleeping together are so important to me. I do think she is starting to "get it", though, which might explain the more frequent sex in recent months, and gives me hope that the more frequent sex will continue (I might have to keep reminding her). The staying up late has been going on for the last 8 years, and continues even now. She says she does it because she can't get to sleep if she goes to bed earlier, but I think it's mostly a way for her to avoid cuddling and sex with me. Maybe applying a different metric to the situation would be helpful. See, if one is looking for a "turned around" marriage as the measure of "success", that is a pretty lofty target. Such cases are rarely seen within this group. However, if you applied a different metric to it, maybe you come up with a different definition of success. How about - *comparing the period December 2017 to November 2018 against the period December 2016 to November 2017* ? If your past 12 months were "better" than the preceeding 12 months, then that's not a bad result surely (??) Perhaps a *qualified* success. |
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Post by nyctos on Nov 10, 2018 19:54:42 GMT -5
Unfortunately it's almost always starfish sex. The first few weeks of our marriage, last month (September), and a very few other times are exceptions where she initiated and seemed to enjoy sex. Sometimes, during the day, she will initiate by saying we can have sex at some future time. I guess that happens when she is feeling good in general, is not tired, and is feeling generous toward me. But often, when the time comes, she will say she is tired (after staying up until 3AM watching soap operas, news shows and health shows on TV or on her computer!) and postpone the date to another day, or not even set another day. I think the main problem is just that she has a low libido. Soap operas and news shows are more interesting than sex! Her love language is not physical touch or quality time, so she doesn't even get any enjoyment from cuddling or sleeping together. With that mindset, it's hard for her to understand why sex, cuddling, and sleeping together are so important to me. I do think she is starting to "get it", though, which might explain the more frequent sex in recent months, and gives me hope that the more frequent sex will continue (I might have to keep reminding her). The staying up late has been going on for the last 8 years, and continues even now. She says she does it because she can't get to sleep if she goes to bed earlier, but I think it's mostly a way for her to avoid cuddling and sex with me. Maybe applying a different metric to the situation would be helpful. See, if one is looking for a "turned around" marriage as the measure of "success", that is a pretty lofty target. Such cases are rarely seen within this group. However, if you applied a different metric to it, maybe you come up with a different definition of success. How about - *comparing the period December 2017 to November 2018 against the period December 2016 to November 2017* ? If your past 12 months were "better" than the preceeding 12 months, then that's not a bad result surely (??) Perhaps a *qualified* success. Well, let's see Nov 2016 - Nov 2017 = 0 Nov 2017 - Nov 2018 = 0 I guess I'm not going down? |
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Post by timeforliving2 on Nov 14, 2018 1:38:32 GMT -5
*sigh* People talk about "low sex marriages" and then I find out they mean something like once a week. I have had the same thought. It makes me stay away from the deadbedrooms reddit. That would be like an orgy to my sex starved self I know the pain that you and nyctos feel / are referring to. I had a 20 year virtually SM (single digits) with a 4-year period in there with *zero*. baza just mentioned perhaps calling things a qualified success if things are improving / better than the prior period. I think that's the right attitude. Whatever the number is that you're at (e.g. even if it's zero) focus on trying to improve on that.
Re: the once a week comment.... and comparing to some people posting that it would be tough to go 1 day without sex... there is definitely variation in this world of how strong of libidos each of us has. But we are who we are. FWIW - If my former refuser W and I had sex even "just" weekly throughout our earlier years in marriage (the first 20), I would be a much different (better) person. It was like battling a 20-year cancer and just sucked the life out of me.
TL2
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Post by saarinista on Nov 29, 2018 22:41:59 GMT -5
I invite others who have turned their marriages around to post on this thread, so we can have all the turnaround stories in one thread. This could be a resource for others who want to go for a turnaround. What were the key actions you took that enabled the turnaround? What was the aftermath? How do you feel about your marriage situation now? I'd also welcome people who are partway into a turnaround but not yet sure it will last (e.g. @shynjdude ), and people who have made other major turnarounds in their marriages (such as greatly increasing sex frequency, or turning a hostile relationship into a pleasant one) to post a summary here. Since you lowered the bar on what a turnaround is, I can add my two pennies on how I view my LIASM world. Been living with W for 24 years. She was very sexual in the beginning. Then two kids entered our world, and sex gradually disappeared. She thinks intimacy is for couples in their 20s. It's been a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs. We drew lines in the sand. She said no more sex after she turns 50. I said we'll re-evaluate our marriage after kids are off to college. Well, she's now 50 and sex stopped, around 8 months now. I remind her our youngest is a freshman in HS. She responded by saying she needs to start looking for a job where she can get health insurance for herself. I said, Sure, and added a little chuckle afterwards. We are tired of the games we play. We are not hostile to one another. I tell her I would desire starfish sex, any sex, really. She went to confession last Sunday and the following day she gave me oral. Nothing wild, but pleasant and sincere. I need to thank the young priest she saw. So, life is pleasant. I think we will figure things out. I tell her I love her, that she's the prettiest girl in the world, desire her hot body, she's my soulmate, yada yada yada. It's best for the kids. And for us to submit, and (resubmit)x70. No sex after 50? Good Lord. Send that woman to an MD, as menopause may be doing a number on her vagina making sex uncomfortable, but there are often medical answers. I'm glad to hear she was willing to do oral, though. And I'm with you -PROPS TO THE PRIEST who I guess suggested it? Yay! In my humble opinion, churches do so much to turn people-and especially women-off to sex. I mean we get told young (and I'm guessing sheet went to a catholic school?) that it's dangerous, we're bad girls if we have sex, we're going to get pregnant and be shamed, we'll go to hell if we have an abortion.. all that stuff. I mean I got that from the church when I was young. I don't believe it anymore, but most people aren't as as skeptical as I am.
I wonder if your Church offers any marital counseling that might help make her feel more sex positive. I mean I am I'm just blown away when I hear about all these women who think they're not supposed to have sex anymore or don't want to have sex after they have kids!
Sex is good for us, physically as well as emotionally! it releases endorphins, it raises your heart rate and burns calories, and it feels good! But it seems aot of us have the wrong idea about that.
The idea of not having sex ever again makes me feel half dead already. No matter what our age, I think sex is the best way we can connect with the person we love passionately-and hopefully that person is our spouse. Ye Gods. What fools we mortals be. 😔😔😔 |
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 29, 2018 23:20:02 GMT -5
No sex after 50 sounds like a woman who always viewed sex as just a duty and was looking for an excuse to stop.
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Post by h on Nov 30, 2018 5:54:56 GMT -5
Since you lowered the bar on what a turnaround is, I can add my two pennies on how I view my LIASM world. Been living with W for 24 years. She was very sexual in the beginning. Then two kids entered our world, and sex gradually disappeared. She thinks intimacy is for couples in their 20s. It's been a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs. We drew lines in the sand. She said no more sex after she turns 50. I said we'll re-evaluate our marriage after kids are off to college. Well, she's now 50 and sex stopped, around 8 months now. I remind her our youngest is a freshman in HS. She responded by saying she needs to start looking for a job where she can get health insurance for herself. I said, Sure, and added a little chuckle afterwards. We are tired of the games we play. We are not hostile to one another. I tell her I would desire starfish sex, any sex, really. She went to confession last Sunday and the following day she gave me oral. Nothing wild, but pleasant and sincere. I need to thank the young priest she saw. So, life is pleasant. I think we will figure things out. I tell her I love her, that she's the prettiest girl in the world, desire her hot body, she's my soulmate, yada yada yada. It's best for the kids. And for us to submit, and (resubmit)x70. No sex after 50? Good Lord. Send that woman to an MD, as menopause may be doing a number on her vagina making sex uncomfortable, but there are often medical answers. I'm glad to hear she was willing to do oral, though. And I'm with you -PROPS TO THE PRIEST who I guess suggested it? Yay! In my humble opinion, churches do so much to turn people-and especially women-off to sex. I mean we get told young (and I'm guessing sheet went to a catholic school?) that it's dangerous, we're bad girls if we have sex, we're going to get pregnant and be shamed, we'll go to hell if we have an abortion.. all that stuff. I mean I got that from the church when I was young. I don't believe it anymore, but most people aren't as as skeptical as I am.
I wonder if your Church offers any marital counseling that might help make her feel more sex positive. I mean I am I'm just blown away when I hear about all these women who think they're not supposed to have sex anymore or don't want to have sex after they have kids!
Sex is good for us, physically as well as emotionally! it releases endorphins, it raises your heart rate and burns calories, and it feels good! But it seems aot of us have the wrong idea about that.
The idea of not having sex ever again makes me feel half dead already. No matter what our age, I think sex is the best way we can connect with the person we love passionately-and hopefully that person is our spouse. Ye Gods. What fools we mortals be. 😔😔😔 And regular, frequent sex lowers your blood pressure, decreases stress, improves your immune system, relieves headaches, and for men- reduces the risk of prostate cancer. It's almost as if sex was specifically designed to improve our health and overall wellness. I agree with you, churches have really dropped the ball when it comes to being sex positive. If you actually believe that God created our bodies, then you also have to believe that God designed sex exactly as He intended. Churches should be taking the lead when it comes to sex education and should do MUCH more in premarital counseling to bring up the topic to discuss so the potential married couple are on the same page from the start. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Nov 30, 2018 8:37:22 GMT -5
Since you lowered the bar on what a turnaround is, I can add my two pennies on how I view my LIASM world. Been living with W for 24 years. She was very sexual in the beginning. Then two kids entered our world, and sex gradually disappeared. She thinks intimacy is for couples in their 20s. It's been a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs. We drew lines in the sand. She said no more sex after she turns 50. I said we'll re-evaluate our marriage after kids are off to college. Well, she's now 50 and sex stopped, around 8 months now. I remind her our youngest is a freshman in HS. She responded by saying she needs to start looking for a job where she can get health insurance for herself. I said, Sure, and added a little chuckle afterwards. We are tired of the games we play. We are not hostile to one another. I tell her I would desire starfish sex, any sex, really. She went to confession last Sunday and the following day she gave me oral. Nothing wild, but pleasant and sincere. I need to thank the young priest she saw. So, life is pleasant. I think we will figure things out. I tell her I love her, that she's the prettiest girl in the world, desire her hot body, she's my soulmate, yada yada yada. It's best for the kids. And for us to submit, and (resubmit)x70. No sex after 50? Good Lord. Send that woman to an MD, as menopause may be doing a number on her vagina making sex uncomfortable, but there are often medical answers. I'm glad to hear she was willing to do oral, though. And I'm with you -PROPS TO THE PRIEST who I guess suggested it? Yay! In my humble opinion, churches do so much to turn people-and especially women-off to sex. I mean we get told young (and I'm guessing sheet went to a catholic school?) that it's dangerous, we're bad girls if we have sex, we're going to get pregnant and be shamed, we'll go to hell if we have an abortion.. all that stuff. I mean I got that from the church when I was young. I don't believe it anymore, but most people aren't as as skeptical as I am.
I wonder if your Church offers any marital counseling that might help make her feel more sex positive. I mean I am I'm just blown away when I hear about all these women who think they're not supposed to have sex anymore or don't want to have sex after they have kids!
Sex is good for us, physically as well as emotionally! it releases endorphins, it raises your heart rate and burns calories, and it feels good! But it seems aot of us have the wrong idea about that.
The idea of not having sex ever again makes me feel half dead already. No matter what our age, I think sex is the best way we can connect with the person we love passionately-and hopefully that person is our spouse. Ye Gods. What fools we mortals be. 😔😔😔 After I said no more kids, the trickle of sex was shut off. It became the straw that broke the camel's back and sent me into my depression and melt down. |
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Post by jamesbonding on Nov 30, 2018 13:17:28 GMT -5
And regular, frequent sex lowers your blood pressure, decreases stress, improves your immune system, relieves headaches, and for men- reduces the risk of prostate cancer. It's almost as if sex was specifically designed to improve our health and overall wellness. Thanks for the reminder. My wife is quite health conscious, spending lots of time reading articles and watching TV shows or videos about health, and even taking many pages of notes. My wife sometimes makes comments (when I've been engaged in intercourse for 20 or 30 minutes) about how the "average" time is 13 minutes -- as if that average defines how long we should go at it. And sometimes, when I ask for sex and she's not in the mood, she'll trot out some formula about how often people our age "should" have sex - which is about 3 times a month, according to her formula. I've asked her to show me the article that made that recommendation, but she's never managed to find it and show it to me. I just googled "frequent sex lowers blood pressure" and found several popular websites (like webmd) that support the claims about the benefits of frequent sex. Oh yeah, she has high blood pressure. |
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Post by workingonit on Nov 30, 2018 16:00:52 GMT -5
But if she is not enjoying sex or feels coerced I can guarantee it will not be good for her bp.
And do you want medicinal sex? Don't you prefer to be wanted?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2018 19:02:39 GMT -5
But if she is not enjoying sex or feels coerced I can guarantee it will not be good for her bp. And do you want medicinal sex? Don't you prefer to be wanted? This. I could cajole my wife into more frequent sex but why would I want that (either for me or for her)? The best argument is probably if you have more scheduled sex that it might "prime the pump" as it were. My approach of settling for desired sex has also resulted in a decreasing scale that has gone from once every 4-6 weeks to only a couple times per year. Lucky for me, I no longer care. |
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Post by lwoetin on Dec 1, 2018 22:55:21 GMT -5
No sex after 50? Good Lord. Send that woman to an MD, as menopause may be doing a number on her vagina making sex uncomfortable, but there are often medical answers.............. The idea of not having sex ever again makes me feel half dead already. No matter what our age, I think sex is the best way we can connect with the person we love passionately-and hopefully that person is our spouse. Ye Gods. What fools we mortals be. 😔😔😔 I don't think an MD would help. Unless we are talking about a brain transplant. Sex is good for us but apparently not for others. If she wanted to have sex, she can no matter the obstacle. But better to not think about sex too much in our situation or we'll get depressed. There are other things in life to hopefully make us feel better than half dead. |
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Post by saarinista on Dec 5, 2018 23:53:07 GMT -5
No sex after 50? Good Lord. Send that woman to an MD, as menopause may be doing a number on her vagina making sex uncomfortable, but there are often medical answers.............. The idea of not having sex ever again makes me feel half dead already. No matter what our age, I think sex is the best way we can connect with the person we love passionately-and hopefully that person is our spouse. Ye Gods. What fools we mortals be. 😔😔😔 I don't think an MD would help. Unless we are talking about a brain transplant. Sex is good for us but apparently not for others. If she wanted to have sex, she can no matter the obstacle. But better to not think about sex too much in our situation or we'll get depressed. There are other things in life to hopefully make us feel better than half dead. Maybe you guys don't like one another and the sexlessness is just a result of your discord. |
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Post by lwoetin on Dec 7, 2018 2:40:27 GMT -5
I don't think an MD would help. Unless we are talking about a brain transplant. Sex is good for us but apparently not for others. If she wanted to have sex, she can no matter the obstacle. But better to not think about sex too much in our situation or we'll get depressed. There are other things in life to hopefully make us feel better than half dead. Maybe you guys don't like one another and the sexlessness is just a result of your discord. Our love for one another is deep.... Like Tony Manero and Stephanie Mangano....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNWwdctlMW8&list=PLrAsciZO7aVv-88ho-9CDfooU2ahy5RNK&index=32 |
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*sigh*
