A good decision

I should say he propositions me all the time including when the kids are a few feet away and I just laugh—-not talking about that. I mean I never rejected him when he seriously wanted sex and we were in a position to do it!

I am betting that there is a big omission in your story here Sister nyartgal .

I am betting that you rarely get knocked back by him when you suggest a bit of rooting too.

I can't imagine you being the passive "acceptor of the offer" all the time !!!!!!!

I am just over a year into my current relationship and I also made myself this promise. I don't say no unless I've got a damn good reason to say no. Like you I have not regretted it. Last week it was miserably hot here (no AC anywhere), three kids, etc etc. It was a slow week for us. We probably slipped below once a day on average. Kids are gone now and it's a bit cooler and we're making up for lost time. We talk about potentially having sex every night - one or both of us might say "I'm not in an initiate-y mood, but I'm up for it." or "I'm more sleepy than sexy." and I think in the time we've been together we've both said "I'm really not into it tonight." at least once. About half the time we say we're more snuggly than sexy we end up having sex anyway in a 'one thing leads to another' kind of scenario. I know for a fact that he's said yes to me when he wasn't really into it beforehand (but he got into it!). Same for me.

Earlier in our relationship, he was concerned that I always felt I 'had' to say yes, because I never said no. I did tell him that it was my intention to always say yes if he seriously wanted sex UNLESS I really actively did not want sex. However I intended to say yes if maybe I wasn't in the mood but wasn't averse to the idea. It's always my RIGHT to say no as it is his. But my intention is to never say no unless I have a good reason to. I told him it was my duty to have sex with him, but even though it's a duty for a loving partner it's certainly not a burden. I do always enjoy it. Yes, occasionally there are times I've thought - I'd rather watch tv right now, but y'know what, it's all streamed these days and I never regret putting the tv on pause.

Ha! You know what, baza? I almost never have to initiate because he is always already initiating! And it’s kind of our dynamic, which is sexy for both of us. After my SM I love feeling desired and pursued, and he loves the chase. So everyone is happy! I can remember a few times when I snuggled up to him and he was so dead tired it just wasn’t happening. When I do initiate he is thrilled. Basically, he is just thrilled to have sex with me under any circumstance at any moment, which is pretty much the best I could ask for! Today we snuck away while my daughter was watching cartoons. As I said, I never say no

We aren’t having sex every day (!!) or 10 times a day (!!!) as some are—most days our kids wake us up literally at dawn and we don’t have a second of time before we collapse into bed at night. But as I said above, the passion hasn’t ebbed at all, if anything it’s stronger than ever.

When I started my first and only post SM relationship, I started out thinking I'd always say "yes" but after a couple of years of my now 5-year relationship, I do say, "no," sometimes as does he. "No," however means a raincheck or it might even mean that the person saying "no" offers oral or a hand job.

Sometimes I'm really not in the mood. Sometimes he even isn't in the mood. This can happen when one of us is exhausted, depressed, extremely stressed or worried. It also happened when, for instance, I had an 8 hour exhausting solo drive ahead of me early the next day and my guy wanted to make whoopie at midnight. Under some circumstances, sex just isn't an interest and won't be fun (speaking from experience. I've forced myself to have sex when I wasn't interested and it wasn't fun for either of us. He could tell I wasn't into it. There really are times in which I emotionally feel so bad or preoccupied that no matter how skilled and caring my lover is, I just don't want to do it and can't emotionally connect).

I think it's healthy to recognize those times and to decline. In healthy relationships, partners are able to accept and give such refusals without feeling wounded or feeling the relationship is in danger. They know that the time to sexually engage again will occur soon.

northstarmom I absolutely believe no one should have sex if they really aren’t into it for any reason. As I said, when either of us was too down, exhausted, stressed, etc we have both declined. But since there is no baggage around sex, there’s no stress or rejection around being declined. It’s not emotional. It’s just, save it for tomorrow or next time. And that lack of weirdness, stress, baggage etc is exactly why I don’t decline the rest of the time. Sex shouldn’t be a chore!

Ughhh - that's not feminism. I grant that you've put this in quotes - but I'm 100% a feminist. I 100% believe that my body is mine (as is his body his) and I can do with it what I want.  Beyond even the idea of bodily integrity from feminism -  as a human I have all kinds of choices, I can refuse sex, hugs or handshakes. I can also refuse to cook dinner, clean the toilet, do laundry, go to work or to speak to my partner with kindness. But, of course, there will be consequences. My 'just say yes' isn't in conflict with my feminism - because hey, I like sex, too! It's much more to do with the fact that I love him and don't ever want to put him in the place of hurt and rejection that I spent too long in and with which he has more than a passing familiarity. I can and will and have said no to sex, but I promised myself and later him - that I wouldn't say no to sex because I felt 'meh' about it. Last night he said he felt 'meh' and he had sex with me anyway - enthusiastically. I just had to put a little extra effort (not a lot!) into getting him in the mood.  There have occasionally been times when he's outright said no (as have I) - these are rare - and when I can tell he's really not into it the last thing I want to do is put that pressure on him, I know I'll have sex again. I assume he feels the same way. There have been times when he's sooooo busy with work (organising a conference, working 18+ hours a day) that even if I want to have sex, I don't ask, I let him initiate and let him know that.  But all of this 'refusal' or holding back is in the context of abundant sex where we WANT to help our partner scratch that itch. 

Here's another truth. My partner is a feminist, too - and although there isn't a perfect match on what we think feminism is - neither one of us wants to force the other into traditional gender roles we don't want or which feel uncomfortable. We both work and we both have to run the household. The lack of resentment in the domestic sphere means we don't take any lingering bad feelings to bed or anywhere else in our relationship. My asshole ex freshly discovered rigid gender roles after our son was born. Mainly to justify his lazy ass. He refused to pick up toys because "You're the mother, it's your job." Never mind I had another job outside the home, too. I cannot believe I wanted to have sex with that asshole.