|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Jul 25, 2018 18:51:57 GMT -5
When the STBX and I got married we wrote letters to one another that were sealed and not to be opened until our 10th wedding anniversary. We didn’t make it to 10. I found them today while cleaning out the closet, opened them, and read them. Mine was sweet. It was loving and thoughtful and talked about my vows to him and where I hoped we’d find ourselves 10 years from that date. It was about all the things I loved about him and how happy I was to be marrying him. Reading it made me a bit sad as I remembered my naive excitement and the emotions that went along with that. But reading his made me more sad. Whereas mine was heartfelt, his was full of fluff and filler with phrases like “10 years, can you believe we made it?!” Not one word about me, what he loved about me or our relationship, what he hoped our life would be like, how happy he was to be marrying me... I realize writing a love letter is not everyone’s forte so it is what it is and that’s fine but here is why I titled this post “Confirmation that leaving was the right thing”: Not once in the entire letter did he say “ I love you”. Not once. He didn’t even sign the letter with “Love, [Name]”. He put a hyphen and then his name. What. The. Fuck. He said to me pretty recently that he doesn’t think he’s meant to be married and that he thinks he’s meant to be alone. Maybe he’s right. God, just think of the years you could have saved if you were just the kind of person who snuck in and opened her Christmas presents before Christmas? One question. If you had read his letter without the "benefit" of going through your SM, would it have made any difference? No I don’t think so. It would have felt disappointing to me but it wouldn’t have been any kind of a dealbreaker. I had a different attitude towards him in the last year+ once I started truly realizing and coming to terms with our situation. I was viewing our marriage through a different and more realistic lens, which I hadn’t before. I’m a happy-go-lucky type so before I really started confronting the problem I just sort of drifted along through life, taking things as they came. But when the pain, loneliness, sadness started to really impact me I didn’t have any other choice but to focus on it and that’s when I joined ILIASM, a little over a year ago. For me, this was all necessary to get me to the point I’m at now. |
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Jul 25, 2018 20:03:06 GMT -5
My wife and I had our 30th anniversary this year. The entire day passed without even saying "Happy Anniversary" "I Love You" or even a damn "Thank You" No hugs exchanged, no kisses exchanged, no cards exchanged, no gifts exchanged, no planned date.
Didn't need much more confirmation after that.
Not even a goddamn fist bump? Nope not even a fist bump. |
|
|
|
Post by ted on Jul 26, 2018 0:18:54 GMT -5
So just the fact that knowing those are there still affects you so viscerally really proves to me that I am moving on in the way I feel I need to since I am not affected in that way. Or perhaps I never truly felt the extent of the deep feelings one should, in the first place? Should? Geez, I don't know. I think we're both moving on appropriately, me feeling viscerally about old letters and you not feeling so much about old letters. Maybe the way we feel is just a difference between us that's neither good nor bad, just different. I can't imagine not feeling viscerally about my letters, no matter how far removed I am from my SM. (Partly why I want to burn them.) And yet I know I'm pretty well moved on at this point, and I have no doubts or regrets about moving on. For what it's worth, my STBX doesn't share these visceral feelings about the letters. She's the only who bundled them up and gave them to me, in a disgusted manner. She's the one who, when I tried to bring these out for us to read while were were trying to rekindle something, told me they were the stupid ramblings of foolish teenagers and that she never wanted to see them again (that broke my heart, and was part of *my* confirmation, btw). So it's a one-way thing, and maybe just me. I don't feel viscerally about them because of anything I want with her now, God no. But my mind transports back in time 20 years, feels the feelings I felt when it wrote them, and hurts a bit, knowing how it all turned out. I'm not sure it's a sign I'm not moving on; maybe it's just how I tick. :shrug: |
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Jul 26, 2018 5:21:53 GMT -5
So just the fact that knowing those are there still affects you so viscerally really proves to me that I am moving on in the way I feel I need to since I am not affected in that way. Or perhaps I never truly felt the extent of the deep feelings one should, in the first place? Should? Geez, I don't know. I think we're both moving on appropriately, me feeling viscerally about old letters and you not feeling so much about old letters. Maybe the way we feel is just a difference between us that's neither good nor bad, just different. I can't imagine not feeling viscerally about my letters, no matter how far removed I am from my SM. (Partly why I want to burn them.) And yet I know I'm pretty well moved on at this point, and I have no doubts or regrets about moving on. For what it's worth, my STBX doesn't share these visceral feelings about the letters. She's the only who bundled them up and gave them to me, in a disgusted manner. She's the one who, when I tried to bring these out for us to read while were were trying to rekindle something, told me they were the stupid ramblings of foolish teenagers and that she never wanted to see them again (that broke my heart, and was part of *my* confirmation, btw). So it's a one-way thing, and maybe just me. I don't feel viscerally about them because of anything I want with her now, God no. But my mind transports back in time 20 years, feels the feelings I felt when it wrote them, and hurts a bit, knowing how it all turned out. I'm not sure it's a sign I'm not moving on; maybe it's just how I tick. :shrug: , I don’t mean to imply you are not moving on, just that as I said, *I* am moving on in the way *I* feel I need to. |
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jul 26, 2018 6:49:28 GMT -5
God, just think of the years you could have saved if you were just the kind of person who snuck in and opened her Christmas presents before Christmas? One question. If you had read his letter without the "benefit" of going through your SM, would it have made any difference? No I don’t think so. It would have felt disappointing to me but it wouldn’t have been any kind of a dealbreaker. I had a different attitude towards him in the last year+ once I started truly realizing and coming to terms with our situation. I was viewing our marriage through a different and more realistic lens, which I hadn’t before. I’m a happy-go-lucky type so before I really started confronting the problem I just sort of drifted along through life, taking things as they came. But when the pain, loneliness, sadness started to really impact me I didn’t have any other choice but to focus on it and that’s when I joined ILIASM, a little over a year ago. For me, this was all necessary to get me to the point I’m at now. It's sad but I totally understand. If I had known that she was going to contract a "medical condition" that prevented sex, I would have probably still gone though with it. Stupid but supportive. Of course if I had know she had made up the medical condition and likely made up the sexual abuse, I would have run. But I couldn't have conceived someone would lie about things like that without having gone through it first hand. I just wish I had been smart enough to leave before pissing away 20 years with her. |
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Jul 27, 2018 16:56:46 GMT -5
Nope not even a fist bump. We’re coming up on our 15th in a few days and I’m expecting the same results. I remember posting here last year how she forgot our anniversary. If she forgets this year I’m thinking about using this as an excuse/motivation to file. Shh! No one remind her... : Update us on what happens! |
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Jul 27, 2018 17:27:55 GMT -5
Nope not even a fist bump. We’re coming up on our 15th in a few days and I’m expecting the same results. I remember posting here last year how she forgot our anniversary. If she forgets this year I’m thinking about using this as an excuse/motivation to file. Shh! No one remind her... The ultimate covert contract  |
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Aug 9, 2018 8:54:21 GMT -5
Beachguy wrote: “We’re coming up on our 15th in a few days and I’m expecting the same results. I remember posting here last year how she forgot our anniversary. If she forgets this year I’m thinking about using this as an excuse/motivation to file. Shh! No one remind her...”
Why do you pin your divorce decision on that? Weren’t last year’s “forgetting” as well as the lack of sex enough to impel you to leave?
|
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Aug 18, 2018 14:28:00 GMT -5
More confirmation that leaving was the right thing:
We are in the process of selling our house. Signed the P&S, had inspection, now negotiating terms based on issues. Throughout the process, STBX has been a bit of an impatient jerk to our realtor — the one who is helping us. YES, we are paying her for a service but hounding her for responses from the inspector or buyers agent isn’t going to make the answers or paperwork come any faster. I’ve had to apologize on his behalf for him being so curt and demanding.
This also happened with working with contractors for my new place. He’s helping me out and there was one day we were out looking at materials and it seemed like everywhere we went the people were incompetent and inefficient. I agree we really did not receive the finest help. But he was incapable of just being nice and patient. His disgust was written all over his face and in all of his actions and communication. I was embarrassed for him and found myself apologizing yet again for his behavior.
When in the marriage I remember this being an issue at times but maybe it was more often than I remember. I sure as hell won’t (and don’t) miss this.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Aug 18, 2018 21:01:40 GMT -5
More confirmation that leaving was the right thing: We are in the process of selling our house. Signed the P&S, had inspection, now negotiating terms based on issues. Throughout the process, STBX has been a bit of an impatient jerk to our realtor — the one who is helping us. YES, we are paying her for a service but hounding her for responses from the inspector or buyers agent isn’t going to make the answers or paperwork come any faster. I’ve had to apologize on his behalf for him being so curt and demanding. This also happened with working with contractors for my new place. He’s helping me out and there was one day we were out looking at materials and it seemed like everywhere we went the people were incompetent and inefficient. I agree we really did not receive the finest help. But he was incapable of just being nice and patient. His disgust was written all over his face and in all of his actions and communication. I was embarrassed for him and found myself apologizing yet again for his behavior. When in the marriage I remember this being an issue at times but maybe it was more often than I remember. I sure as hell won’t (and don’t) miss this. Your doing very well to see these things,hind sight is 20/20 I am truly glad for you!! Let me take a stab at this. STBX will be better off going it alone, dealing with the public the way he does, being his true self and if there is , even the slightest hope of any change, it will be from him suffering the consequences of how he treats others. You get to wash your hands of it, no longer your problem or your concern! |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Aug 18, 2018 22:07:44 GMT -5
But he was incapable of just being nice and patient. His disgust was written all over his face and in all of his actions and communication. I was embarrassed for him and found myself apologizing yet again for his behavior. Isn't it interesting that they can be so bold, confident, arrogant and knowledgeable about somethings? Things that have to be handled their way, and their way only? But when it comes to sex and intimacy, well....that requires submission, giving and receiving. Both partners should have a pretty equal say in the matter,and they just can't handle that! That just won't do! |
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Aug 18, 2018 23:58:52 GMT -5
But he was incapable of just being nice and patient. His disgust was written all over his face and in all of his actions and communication. I was embarrassed for him and found myself apologizing yet again for his behavior. Isn't it interesting that they can be so bold, confident, arrogant and knowledgeable about somethings? Things that have to be handled their way, and their way only? But when it comes to sex and intimacy, well....that requires submission, giving and receiving. Both partners should have a pretty equal say in the matter,and they just can't handle that! That just won't do! Bold, confident, arrogant and knowledgeable is a PERFECT description of how my STBX acts in much of his life. But you’re right GC, when it comes to sex and intimacy that is his “failing”. He can’t be that way, he can’t put up a front with me when it comes to that because he so obviously is not confident there. So it goes against his accepted and preferred view of himself and of how he wants to present himself to the world. I am the only one in his world who knows about this side of him - this one vulnerability of his - and he doesn’t like it. I am sure that that is a large reason why he is the one who suggested separating before I could suggest it. He’s running away instead of confronting it because he doesn’t like that side of himself. I hold up a mirror for him and it’s too hard to face that part of himself so if he eliminates me from his life, he eliminates the need to ever confront that uncomfortable part of himself. His loss, and in more ways than one: Not only does he lose the chance to be a whole person and accepting of all parts of himself, he also loses me too. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Aug 20, 2018 4:24:46 GMT -5
Isn't it interesting that they can be so bold, confident, arrogant and knowledgeable about somethings? Things that have to be handled their way, and their way only? But when it comes to sex and intimacy, well....that requires submission, giving and receiving. Both partners should have a pretty equal say in the matter,and they just can't handle that! That just won't do! Bold, confident, arrogant and knowledgeable is a PERFECT description of how my STBX acts in much of his life. But you’re right GC, when it comes to sex and intimacy that is his “failing”. He can’t be that way, he can’t put up a front with me when it comes to that because he so obviously is not confident there. So it goes against his accepted and preferred view of himself and of how he wants to present himself to the world. I am the only one in his world who knows about this side of him - this one vulnerability of his - and he doesn’t like it. I am sure that that is a large reason why he is the one who suggested separating before I could suggest it. He’s running away instead of confronting it because he doesn’t like that side of himself. I hold up a mirror for him and it’s too hard to face that part of himself so if he eliminates me from his life, he eliminates the need to ever confront that uncomfortable part of himself. His loss, and in more ways than one: Not only does he lose the chance to be a whole person and accepting of all parts of himself, he also loses me too. What strikes me as the most important, is this will be your freedom to be your true self again AND the opportunity for changing how little guy would have been raised! I greatly understand that your STBX can be and is a good father. However as you continue to see his "my way only " techniques you have done your son a great service by offering him an alternative. Meaning he won't be exposed to that for all of his upbringing. That was the choice I made in my kids later teen years. At least I could pull them away from their " my way only, no discussion" mother 50% of the time,and offer them the alternative of their " I respect your decisions, let's talk this out, please openly communicate with me and we can work things out together, giving and receiving" father. " I am not always right, and I make mistakes " father. There is also the alternative of another father or mother in the future who will not be so " bold, confident,arrogant, knowledgeable in there ways only, skilled manipulative controller" to set a horrible example of how a relationship in a marriage works /fails. That is the best part of what you are offering to yourself and the little guy! Here's to new beginnings! |
|
|
|
Post by Caris on Aug 24, 2018 19:03:20 GMT -5
@choosinghappy, your last paragraph reminds me of something my former refuser said to me after the divorce...”I’m not the man for you.” I’d been telling him how I had adopted a wild animal orphan in Africa, and also how much I loved a certain poetry. He knew me, but he really didn’t know me because he never knew what I loved, so that was his response. I said, “couldn’t you have told me this before you married me?” It would have saved us 25-years of misery.
Your ex’s tone sounds familiar to me. I’m sorry that you didn’t get the love and affection that you, like many of us, deserve. I hope it finds you now. Hugs.
|
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Aug 24, 2018 19:08:38 GMT -5
@choosinghappy, your last paragraph reminds me of something my former refuser said to me after the divorce...”I’m not the man for you.” I’d been telling him how I had adopted a wild animal orphan in Africa, and also how much I loved a certain poetry. He knew me, but he really didn’t know me because he never knew what I loved, so that was his response. I said, “couldn’t you have told me this before you married me?” It would have saved us 25-years of misery. Your ex’s tone sounds familiar to me. I’m sorry that you didn’t get the love and affection that you, like many of us, deserve. I hope it finds you now. Hugs. Thank you Caris. ((hugs)) to you too. |
|
