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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 23, 2018 14:51:18 GMT -5
When the STBX and I got married we wrote letters to one another that were sealed and not to be opened until our 10th wedding anniversary. We didn’t make it to 10. I found them today while cleaning out the closet, opened them, and read them.
Mine was sweet. It was loving and thoughtful and talked about my vows to him and where I hoped we’d find ourselves 10 years from that date. It was about all the things I loved about him and how happy I was to be marrying him. Reading it made me a bit sad as I remembered my naive excitement and the emotions that went along with that.
But reading his made me more sad. Whereas mine was heartfelt, his was full of fluff and filler with phrases like “10 years, can you believe we made it?!” Not one word about me, what he loved about me or our relationship, what he hoped our life would be like, how happy he was to be marrying me...
I realize writing a love letter is not everyone’s forte so it is what it is and that’s fine but here is why I titled this post “Confirmation that leaving was the right thing”: Not once in the entire letter did he say “ I love you”. Not once. He didn’t even sign the letter with “Love, [Name]”. He put a hyphen and then his name.
What. The. Fuck.
He said to me pretty recently that he doesn’t think he’s meant to be married and that he thinks he’s meant to be alone. Maybe he’s right.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 23, 2018 15:03:32 GMT -5
You are doing the right thing.
He’s not a husband and never was.
You will have better years to come as you start this next phase of your life!
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Post by workingonit on Jul 23, 2018 15:10:49 GMT -5
Damn. That hits me as really sad. Even at the most in love he could not get real and intimate for you. Sad for him.
I think you just loved him so well he likely loved that and who he could be in your eyes.
I heard a song recently, supposed to be a love song for the singers wife:
I never thought I could be
So in love with you being so in love with me.
Really?! She should run. Glad you are out and so much more aware moving forward.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 23, 2018 15:45:06 GMT -5
lovelywifey said: "But reading his made me more sad. Whereas mine was heartfelt, his was full of fluff and filler with phrases like “10 years, can you believe we made it?!” Not one word about me, what he loved about me or our relationship, what he hoped our life would be like, how happy he was to be marrying me..."
You are wise to be dodging a bullet. I was married for 34 years to a man whom I would say sincere romantic things to but who would get a deer in the headlights look if I attempted to reminisce about things like past vacations or when we started dating or if I asked him a question like what he loved about me. He said it would spoil things to talk about things like that! He said talking about things like that would spoil the present! I'm now with a man who every day tells me he loves me, takes pictures of me, posts them on FB with captions like, "Isn't she beautiful!" When he got sick and I was at the doctor's office with him in Mexico, he used a translation app to tell the doctor to make him well so that he could stay with "the love of my life." And he likes to talk about the romantic things we've done.
It's like night and day comparing my ex with my post SM lover. Because I grew up with parents who slept apart and were so estranged from each other that I only remember them touching each other once (and then Mom referred to Dad's kiss on the cheek as a "Judas kiss"), I hadn't known what I was missing until I left my marriage and finally am with a man who loves me back the way I love him.
Wishing you the very best as you get ready to enter your post SM life.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 23, 2018 18:21:16 GMT -5
Damn, choosinghappy... rarely are we blessed with the clarity you’ve received. It sucks incredibly, but it’s also a relief. Imagine if you’d slogged through to the 10-year mark, only to open the letter then. |
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Post by solodriver on Jul 23, 2018 21:07:59 GMT -5
My wife and I had our 30th anniversary this year. The entire day passed without even saying "Happy Anniversary" "I Love You" or even a damn "Thank You" No hugs exchanged, no kisses exchanged, no cards exchanged, no gifts exchanged, no planned date.
Didn't need much more confirmation after that.
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Post by baza on Jul 23, 2018 22:09:43 GMT -5
I think you will find Sister choosinghappy , that as time goes by, you will unearth confirmation after confirmation that leaving was the right thing. And, there'll be the odd thing that comes up that might get you wistfully thinking - "pity it had to turn out that way" - as well. What I can just about guarantee you is that you will NOT be troubled by any thoughts of - "well that was a shit of a choice I made and I wish I was back in my ILIASM shithole". |
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Post by beachguy on Jul 24, 2018 11:03:19 GMT -5
My wife and I had our 30th anniversary this year. The entire day passed without even saying "Happy Anniversary" "I Love You" or even a damn "Thank You" No hugs exchanged, no kisses exchanged, no cards exchanged, no gifts exchanged, no planned date.
Didn't need much more confirmation after that.
Did you plagiarize my story? I did that first! |
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Post by ted on Jul 24, 2018 17:46:21 GMT -5
When the STBX and I got married we wrote letters to one another that were sealed and not to be opened until our 10th wedding anniversary. We didn’t make it to 10. I found them today while cleaning out the closet, opened them, and read them. Wow, that's brave! I don't think I could have opened them. I have a big gift bag with the letters we exchanged while dating, and her wedding rings. It sits in the back of the coat closet, and strikes fear in my heart every time I glimpse it. One day I'm going to burn the letters, and throw the rings into the ocean. (ILIASM cruise anyone?) I'm glad these confirming signs are showing up for you. I'm with baza, they're likely to keep coming. They have for me. |
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Post by richfairy72 on Jul 24, 2018 18:53:20 GMT -5
I think you will find Sister choosinghappy , that as time goes by, you will unearth confirmation after confirmation that leaving was the right thing. And, there'll be the odd thing that comes up that might get you wistfully thinking - "pity it had to turn out that way" - as well. What I can just about guarantee you is that you will NOT be troubled by any thoughts of - "well that was a shit of a choice I made and I wish I was back in my ILIASM shithole". So true, Baza. I look back and know it was the BEST decision I ever made....... It takes time though. And courage to take the leap. Even then, it took me months to get to the point of being 100% sure I'd done the right thing. People kept telling me I'd be happier alone than in the bad marriage. I didn't believe them...I wish I had, because there is not one single thing that would ever make me go back. I am so much happier alone, not living with the daily rejection and toxicity. Weirdly, I don't even miss sex. It dominated my every thought at the time, the rejection,disappointment and pain daily. There is no price I can put on my freedom. Physically and emotionally. And i am so much better off alone than with an unloving man |
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Post by solodriver on Jul 24, 2018 20:35:11 GMT -5
Did you plagiarize my story? I did that first! Your wife must be my sister-in-law. |
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Post by shamwow on Jul 25, 2018 17:27:09 GMT -5
My wife and I had our 30th anniversary this year. The entire day passed without even saying "Happy Anniversary" "I Love You" or even a damn "Thank You" No hugs exchanged, no kisses exchanged, no cards exchanged, no gifts exchanged, no planned date.
Didn't need much more confirmation after that.
Not even a goddamn fist bump? |
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Post by shamwow on Jul 25, 2018 17:29:59 GMT -5
When the STBX and I got married we wrote letters to one another that were sealed and not to be opened until our 10th wedding anniversary. We didn’t make it to 10. I found them today while cleaning out the closet, opened them, and read them. Mine was sweet. It was loving and thoughtful and talked about my vows to him and where I hoped we’d find ourselves 10 years from that date. It was about all the things I loved about him and how happy I was to be marrying him. Reading it made me a bit sad as I remembered my naive excitement and the emotions that went along with that. But reading his made me more sad. Whereas mine was heartfelt, his was full of fluff and filler with phrases like “10 years, can you believe we made it?!” Not one word about me, what he loved about me or our relationship, what he hoped our life would be like, how happy he was to be marrying me... I realize writing a love letter is not everyone’s forte so it is what it is and that’s fine but here is why I titled this post “Confirmation that leaving was the right thing”: Not once in the entire letter did he say “ I love you”. Not once. He didn’t even sign the letter with “Love, [Name]”. He put a hyphen and then his name. What. The. Fuck. He said to me pretty recently that he doesn’t think he’s meant to be married and that he thinks he’s meant to be alone. Maybe he’s right. God, just think of the years you could have saved if you were just the kind of person who snuck in and opened her Christmas presents before Christmas? One question. If you had read his letter without the "benefit" of going through your SM, would it have made any difference? |
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Post by jim44444 on Jul 25, 2018 18:20:47 GMT -5
When the STBX and I got married we wrote letters to one another that were sealed and not to be opened until our 10th wedding anniversary. We didn’t make it to 10. I found them today while cleaning out the closet, opened them, and read them. Wow, that's brave! I don't think I could have opened them. I have a big gift bag with the letters we exchanged while dating, and her wedding rings. It sits in the back of the coat closet, and strikes fear in my heart every time I glimpse it. One day I'm going to burn the letters, and throw the rings into the ocean. (ILIASM cruise anyone?) I'm glad these confirming signs are showing up for you. I'm with baza, they're likely to keep coming. They have for me. Pawn the rings. Use the money to buy first round at next ILIASM meetup. |
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 25, 2018 18:44:57 GMT -5
When the STBX and I got married we wrote letters to one another that were sealed and not to be opened until our 10th wedding anniversary. We didn’t make it to 10. I found them today while cleaning out the closet, opened them, and read them. Wow, that's brave! I don't think I could have opened them. I have a big gift bag with the letters we exchanged while dating, and her wedding rings. It sits in the back of the coat closet, and strikes fear in my heart every time I glimpse it. One day I'm going to burn the letters, and throw the rings into the ocean. (ILIASM cruise anyone?) I'm glad these confirming signs are showing up for you. I'm with baza, they're likely to keep coming. They have for me. So just the fact that knowing those are there still affects you so viscerally really proves to me that I am moving on in the way I feel I need to since I am not affected in that way. Or perhaps I never truly felt the extent of the deep feelings one should, in the first place? Our relationship and marriage was always a bit strange IMO - it’s like we lived more parallel lives as opposed to a life together. It DOES make it easier for me now... |
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