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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 29, 2018 7:42:13 GMT -5
I keep telling myself I'm done initiating. Sometimes that lasts for weeks usually not though. We'll have a nice day and were both in a good mood, and I'll delude myself into thinking it will be different. Of course it isn't and I get shot down. Then I'm back to telling myself I'm done, and the cycle starts again. Once I was truly ready to stop, just STOP, initiating in any way (not just sex but all affection too, even those f*cking pecks) that is when the clock started for me on leaving. I realized H had no desire for any increase in affection or intimacy with me. I was the only one attempting to “work” on things in our marriage. I lasted one year. During that year I came to terms with my true reality, realized that, despite loving one another, there was no hope our marriage would ever become what I wanted, made my exit plans, and then executed them. It has been a little over a month and all I think about is how good the future looks now.
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Post by Dan on Jul 30, 2018 7:02:10 GMT -5
Never anymore and not for 3 years. The thought of sleeping with her fills me with disgust. She sucks in bed... Sounds pretty close my story. Maybe we have been not-sleeping with the same woman!
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 30, 2018 8:49:31 GMT -5
Lonelywifey said :”Once I was truly ready to stop, just STOP, initiating in any way (not just sex but all affection too, even those f*cking pecks) that is when the clock started for me on leaving. I”
When I stopped initiating: no reaction from h When I moved out of our bedroom: ditto When I turned my head so he had to give his morning good bye kisses on my cheek: ditto When I stopped accepting any chickenpecks from him: no reaction When I stopped asking him about his life: no reaction
When I said I wanted a divorce , he agreed immediately and we divorced with no angst. I’m just sorry I didn’t realize earlier that he had been communicating loud and clear that his love for me had long gone.
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Post by ihadalove on Aug 10, 2018 22:14:53 GMT -5
I've stopped initiating at the moment. I've found it's done two things. One is it limits direct rejection. Two is it doesn't lead to any sex. I'm thinking of letting it go this way a while. She already knows I want her, me asking isnt adding anything except conflict. There's no point in trying really, I know the result beforehand! I can only change and influence myself.
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Post by time4intimacy on Aug 14, 2018 4:39:06 GMT -5
I've stopped initiating at the moment. I've found it's done two things. One is it limits direct rejection. Two is it doesn't lead to any sex. I'm thinking of letting it go this way a while. She already knows I want her, me asking isnt adding anything except conflict. There's no point in trying really, I know the result beforehand! I can only change and influence myself. It sure does limit rejection with the same results in the end. I tried to initiate night before last. For some stupid reason I thought it may work out, but of course it did not work out. She got very irritated with me and asked me why would you think I would want to have sex. What makes you think I care to have sex with you? Very frustrated with the situation. Other than sex, our life seems very good. I am not ready to give up our lifestyle, but after this shit I am thinking if I have the opportunity, I might outsource.
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Post by baza on Aug 14, 2018 4:48:35 GMT -5
"If" you got the opportunity to outsource, & you did, & you got caught, what do you figure the consequences might be Brother time4intimacy ?
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Post by time4intimacy on Aug 14, 2018 4:52:34 GMT -5
"If" you got the opportunity to outsource, & you did, & you got caught, what do you figure the consequences might be Brother time4intimacy ? The wife would probably push for a divorce. I think the consequences would be no different if I asked for a divorce now. I make the majority of the money, but she is fully employed and can self support. Don't get me wrong, I would rather have sex with my wife. When it does happen, it is usually really good. However, I do need to have sex in my life and I am getting to the point where I can't take no sex any longer.
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Post by runnerguy on Aug 14, 2018 13:53:41 GMT -5
Stopping for me has been a rollercoaster. On the one hand, I don't like giving up on anything.
On the other hand, I'm just tired of feeling like a pervert for wanting it.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 14, 2018 15:22:08 GMT -5
Stopping for me has been a rollercoaster. On the one hand, I don't like giving up on anything. On the other hand, I'm just tired of feeling like a pervert for wanting it. Let me put the perversion in perspective. While trying to figure out how to save my marriage, I actually went stag to kink parties to understand human sexual experiences better. The people I sat and talked with did not consider "pervert" an insult so much as an inside joke, and they did things joyfully to each other that I will not even begin to explain on a public board, but they did them with full consent with clear communication. Your spouse's perversion is forced celibacy, and she does is without clear communication and without your consent. This makes the refuser morally deficient and repugnant to all kink community members.
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Post by choosinghappy on Aug 14, 2018 21:03:08 GMT -5
She got very irritated with me and asked me why would you think I would want to have sex. What makes you think I care to have sex with you? . How about: Oh I don’t know, because you’re my WIFE and vowed to love honor and cherish me for the rest of our lives??! Ouch. I’m sorry time4intimacy. That is cruel.
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Post by ihadalove on Aug 14, 2018 21:51:27 GMT -5
I tried to initiate night before last. For some stupid reason I thought it may work out, but of course it did not work out. She got very irritated with me and asked me why would you think I would want to have sex. What makes you think I care to have sex with you? Other than sex, our life seems very good. Are you sure there is nothing else wrong but sex? What a thing to say to a spouse. I can't imagine my W saying this.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 15, 2018 0:11:36 GMT -5
I can sure imagine my W saying that to me.
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Post by time4intimacy on Aug 15, 2018 2:54:18 GMT -5
She got very irritated with me and asked me why would you think I would want to have sex. What makes you think I care to have sex with you? . How about: Oh I don’t know, because you’re my WIFE and vowed to love honor and cherish me for the rest of our lives??! Ouch. I’m sorry time4intimacy . That is cruel. Exactly!
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Post by time4intimacy on Aug 15, 2018 3:04:14 GMT -5
I tried to initiate night before last. For some stupid reason I thought it may work out, but of course it did not work out. She got very irritated with me and asked me why would you think I would want to have sex. What makes you think I care to have sex with you? Other than sex, our life seems very good. Are you sure there is nothing else wrong but sex? What a thing to say to a spouse. I can't imagine my W saying this. It is not that our relationship otherwise is error free. We do have some issues, but our friends consider us the coolest couple around. Here is something else she brought up. She feels like when we kiss it leads to sex and she claims she is mad we don't kiss enough. I try to kiss her, she turns her head and has no interest. I then asked her, you said you want to kiss more, but you don't ever try to kiss me and when I try to kiss you, you turn away. She said if I try to kiss you I am scared you will then want to have sex. I said, I am fine kissing and no sex 90% of the time, but yes, some of the time I would like to take it further and have sex. She said she does not believe me. It has been years since she tried to kiss me, so here we go onto more frustration. It is also very hurting to have her say, why would I want to have sex with you. When we are not arguing and sometimes we actually talk about our sex life in a reasonable way, she will say there is nothing physically wrong when we have sex and there is not an attraction issue. Then later she tells me who would ever want to have sex with you. Sorry for the vent, suffering from multi-year blue balls.
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Post by choosinghappy on Aug 15, 2018 4:45:44 GMT -5
“Then later she tells me who would ever want to have sex with you.” That is verbally abusive time4intimacy. Does she say that after fighting? That is never an ok thing to say. I wonder if you are in a similar position to where I was around a year ago when I thought “yeah we have some problems but really the lack of sex is the big issue.”? It wasn’t. It was more of an effect rather than a cause of our other, bigger issues. Two things specifically stood out to me about what you last wrote: 1. “She said if I try to kiss you I am scared you will then want to have sex.” What is with the fear? Why would she be “scared” her H would want to make love to her unless there was sexual abuse in her past? Do you know if there was? That is not a typical reaction of someone with a healthy view of sex. 2. “Our friends consider us the coolest couple around.” So what? Does that make you happy? Based on the fact that you’re in an SM and the way she talks to you about it, does having other people think you’re cool and/or that things are fine when they’re not really matter to you?
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