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Post by time4intimacy on Jul 20, 2018 15:32:10 GMT -5
I am sure this is not the first time this has been asked in here, but I wanted to know.
My marriage is not as sexless as many of yours. We did have sex once in the last 5 months. Nothing to brag about, but we have not gone years.
I find myself having less interest in initiating sex as I am just worn out over the no sex issue and the amount of rejection over the years. I think now, my wife is starting to miss sex (she has not admitted it). If I initiated more, I think I have a chance to maybe have sex as often as once a month! In all seriousness, maybe I can change the course of our downward spiral.
How do you get the motivation to initiate when you really just don't want to get rejected and feel awkward about it.
Probably sounds a bit stupid, but some advise would help. BTW, my wife is attractive so at least I don't have to get past an attraction issue.
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Post by baza on Jul 20, 2018 17:37:27 GMT -5
You have a theory. That your missus secretly misses sex with you and might fire up were you to ask.
There's a pretty simple method of testing the theory.
Ask her for a fuck.
Your missus is banking on you feeling - "rejected and feel awkward about it" - to do so, which is exactly what she wants. So you test your theory, or you don't.
I think that many of us labour under the same mis-apprehension - that deep down our spouses are secretly real root rats and if only we could find the key to let loose the root rat everything would be just dandy. The collective evidence in this group is that there actually is no dormant root rat just waiting to bust out, there is no secret lock, there is no master key.
Addendum At this point you note that - "My marriage is not as sexless as many of yours". That's good, but your trajectory points to it heading for being as sexless as others in the fullness of time. And there's the thing. Do you want to act now - whilst there is still some level of goodwill left - or do you want to leave it until it tanks completely ?
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Post by shamwow on Jul 20, 2018 17:41:07 GMT -5
You have a theory. That your missus secretly misses sex with you and might fire up were you to ask. There's a pretty simple method of testing the theory. Ask her for a fuck. Your missus is banking on you feeling - "rejected and feel awkward about it" - to do so, which is exactly what she wants. So you test your theory, or you don't. I think that many of us labour under the same mis-apprehension - that deep down our spouses are secretly real root rats and if only we could find the key to let loose the root rat everything would be just dandy. The collective evidence in this group is that there actually is no dormant root rat just waiting to bust out, there is no secret lock, there is no master key. I second the motion.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 20, 2018 17:56:48 GMT -5
The sooner you check out your theory-- by initiating -- and more than likely getting starfish sex or a rejection, the sooner you can accept the truth: that your wife doesn't want to fuck you. Once you accept the truth you can give up hope of her turning into a root rat for you, and you can decide whether your best option is to remain celibate in the marriage, outsource or divorce. For many of us, it took years to figure out the truth. For instance, I went 8 straight completely sexless years before divorcing (and before that I had had 3 and 5-year stretches of complete sexlessness and many other years of sex less than 10 times a year. I didn't find EP, ILIASM's precursor until a week after I divorced. However, you've had the good fortune of landing here while within your marriage, so you can abide the advice here, follow it, and discover your truth early. The truth really shall set you free.
Pay attention to your mate's actions, not their words. If she wants to root you, she will. If she misses rooting you, she'll be enthusiastic if you initiate.
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Post by jim44444 on Jul 20, 2018 18:10:38 GMT -5
Just because your W misses sex does not mean she misses it with you.
Go ahead and test out your theory, the worst that can happen is you get rejected. But let me ask what do you mean by initiate? Is it a casual remark after dinner of "Hey, wanna fuck?" Or are you going into full seduction mode like it was the third date? Hopefully something in between. When you asked her ( I assume you have) if she still wants sex what was her answer? Accept the answer as truth and proceed from there.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 20, 2018 18:17:06 GMT -5
jim said: "When you asked her ( I assume you have) if she still wants sex what was her answer? Accept the answer as truth and proceed from there."
This means accept her actions, not her words. If she says she misses sex yet rejects you or does something that discourages you, she does not miss sex with you nor want sex with you.
If she has to think about it, assume that she doesn't want sex with you, but knows that it would end the marriage if she told the truth. She loves the benefits of marriage to you, but that doesn't mean she wants to fuck you or loves you as more than an ATM or companion.
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 20, 2018 19:02:37 GMT -5
My last year of marriage, I put a LOT of pressure on my stbx to have more sex, and try new things so we were not just reset rooting but working toward having great sex.
I strongly encourage you to test your theory and let us know how it goes.
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Post by timeforliving2 on Jul 20, 2018 19:48:12 GMT -5
I am sure this is not the first time this has been asked in here, but I wanted to know. My marriage is not as sexless as many of yours. We did have sex once in the last 5 months. Nothing to brag about, but we have not gone years. I find myself having less interest in initiating sex as I am just worn out over the no sex issue and the amount of rejection over the years. I think now, my wife is starting to miss sex (she has not admitted it). If I initiated more, I think I have a chance to maybe have sex as often as once a month! In all seriousness, maybe I can change the course of our downward spiral. How do you get the motivation to initiate when you really just don't want to get rejected and feel awkward about it. Probably sounds a bit stupid, but some advise would help. BTW, my wife is attractive so at least I don't have to get past an attraction issue. First thought: From my years on these boards, people generally refer to a SM as either being entirely sexless, OR having sex less than once a month / single digits each year. For all practical purposes, your marriage is a SM. And it sounds like you still want to try to save it / want to see if you can get a spark going again. I have recovered from a SM to a better marriage, so I'll offer some thoughts from my perspective, since you may find that helpful. BTW - The first 19 1/2 years of my marriage was a SM, using that definition above. There were a few years where it was completely sexless, but most of the time it was single digits for sex each year.
If your spouse is not initiating, then either (1) SHE has an issue that she has to work through first, or (2) YOU BOTH have an issue you need to work through first. When my SM was at its worst, I didn't want reset sex or pity sex. I wanted HER to want ME. So when you mention, "How do YOU get the motivation to initiate...?"... I think the main issue (if you are like me) is that what you would really want is for HER to initiate. Correct?
My W and I could not have recovered from our SM if : (1) we hadn't had some honest conversations, and (2) we were BOTH willing to make some changes (and in doing so, admit that each of us wasn't perfect). Our counselor helped us to do that.
I think that for best results on this one you actually need to talk about some things first. The # 1 topic YOU want to have an honest conversation about is sex, of course. You can try to do this without a counselor, but you may find that you need one. If you want to try without a counselor, I'd suggest something like this: Tell her that you want to spend more quality time with her, and you miss having open and honest conversations with her (e.g. perhaps like when you were dating). Carve out 1/2 hour or 1 hour to do this. Have her lead off with something SHE wants to talk about, and then you follow it up with something YOU want to talk about. If you are able to carve out an hour (and who knows, it may lead to more than an hour), then maybe have a few easier topics to talk about first, and then after a few questions back and forth / X minutes, transition the topic to sex. Ask when was the best sex she had with you. Say that you miss that time and then ask WHEN during the week (day of the week, time of day) would be the best time for you to have sex. FYI - Our counselor drove that point home to my W when we were in counseling (e.g. "There are 168 hours in the week... there has to be SOME time in there in which you feel the least amount of stress... with the best potential to be physically intimate with your spouse."). Get her to answer this (be persistent) and then you'll get an answer that should help you get closer to getting back on track.
So much more to say, but assuming you want to try to save the marriage and try to get a spark going again, that is something I would do... among others.
TL2
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johannesfactotum
Junior Member
Behold the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it and ye shall see that it is barren
Posts: 42
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by johannesfactotum on Jul 20, 2018 22:03:28 GMT -5
Never anymore and not for 3 years. The thought of sleeping with her fills me with disgust. She sucks in bed, and given that she has been my only partner for 20+ years, I probably do too at this point.
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 21, 2018 3:28:22 GMT -5
I admittedly felt a bit rusty going outside my marriage, but I was over that by the end of our second weekend. If a guy has passion, I think he can be good. I have not done any studies, so this is a sample of one, but, I wanted a better sex life with my refuser, and my refuser refused foreplay, so I was pretty much a one pump chump. I figured out how to fix that, and I can go to the point both my partner and I are ready to collapse from exhaustion. Ok. So, now I have passion and stamina. Whatever is next involves the answer to the question, "what are you into?" If you can find a partner which, when you discuss something you want to try, she says, "that's the most fucked up kinky shit I've ever heard of. I'll be over in ten minutes," you'll do well.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 21, 2018 5:18:06 GMT -5
Never anymore and not for 3 years. The thought of sleeping with her fills me with disgust. She sucks in bed, and given that she has been my only partner for 20+ years, I probably do too at this point. After many years of sexless marriage, it felt odd at first having sex post sexless marriage. I felt like I should have years more experience that I missed out on by being in a sexless marriage. This is another reason I decided to outsource while still in my marriage. I didn’t want it to get to a point where being sexual again felt foreign to me. It is part of me and I didn’t want to waste any more time feeling like I lost that part of myself. Just because sex and sexuality didn’t exist for my H didn’t mean it couldn’t exist in my life.
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Post by ihadalove on Jul 21, 2018 6:42:16 GMT -5
Refused 3 times in the last two days.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 21, 2018 10:26:29 GMT -5
I admittedly felt a bit rusty going outside my marriage, but I was over that by the end of our second weekend. If a guy has passion, I think he can be good. I have not done any studies, so this is a sample of one, but, I wanted a better sex life with my refuser, and my refuser refused foreplay, so I was pretty much a one pump chump. I figured out how to fix that, and I can go to the point both my partner and I are ready to collapse from exhaustion. Ok. So, now I have passion and stamina. Whatever is next involves the answer to the question, "what are you into?" If you can find a partner which, when you discuss something you want to try, she says, "that's the most fucked up kinky shit I've ever heard of. I'll be over in ten minutes," you'll do well. The hardest part for me was I still had in my head that I was a 22 year old. I was horrified when I had trouble the first time out of the gate. I was SO hard on myself as ballofconfusion can attest to. Of course that self pressure did wonders for the situation. Once with someone else, if you have anxiety, picking the right partner is critical. I know that if I'd gone with plan a (Tinder) I would have really fucked my own head up. ballofconfusion is a damn good woman. A fucking awesome one (inside joke). She had the tender compassion to help me through my early challenges, but was totally down for cave fucking, coconut oil coated kiddie pools, getting it on outside DURING a hurricane (I recommend the experience), etc... I guess my point is that when first going out, it is important to find a partner who wants the same things you do at that point in time. When I first got out I needed someone who was gentle and wouldn't hurt me (she needed the same) . Then I wanted someone who I could really let loose with and who wanted the same back. I just lucked out and got both in the same package.
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Post by ihadalove on Jul 21, 2018 12:29:51 GMT -5
Refused 3 times in the last two days. Uodate: 4.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 21, 2018 12:36:29 GMT -5
Refused 3 times in the last two days. Uodate: 4. ☹️
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