|
Post by beachguy on Jul 13, 2018 10:32:26 GMT -5
If, in a moment of great vulnerability, your partner disclosed that she was never sexually attracted to you, but married you for other reasons, such as your ability to provide, then you would never hold that against her, or ever bring it up again? (I'm trying to separate theory from reality here) In a more practical example, sharing personal weaknesses. “I’m terrified of X”, or “This personal trait is horribly embarrassing to me”, or “I have this horrible life experience that’s shaped who I am”. Things you wouldn’t tell anyone because they could be used to hurt you badly. But you share with this person because a) it’s important for them to understand why you are who you are, and b) because you trust them to use that info for good not evil - to help you and protect you, never to fuck with you. So there are boundaries to that... I think my example was practical although it rarely happens because “emotional vulnerability” has its limits, on both sides.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jul 13, 2018 10:37:43 GMT -5
Everything has its limits. For instance, even though you like and want sex, you probably would not want a partner who insisted on 10 sexual encounters with you a day every day to the exclusion of work, illness, exhaustion, etc.
Use common sense.
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Jul 15, 2018 10:20:32 GMT -5
Welcome heartbrokengirl . I am just getting around to reading this but just wanted to offer hugs and say that our stories sound so similar in so many ways. (And I am also in my 30s.) Once I got to the point of having the clarity you seem to have, I knew there was no other option but for me to leave. I formulated my exit plan and we had "The Talk" about a month ago. He has since moved out and I am house hunting for a smaller home for me and my young son. There has been no regret. I know he and I are still in the first stages of our divorce and there is likely to be many emotional ups and downs but not for a moment have I second guessed my decision. You and I sound similar personality-wise based on how you described yourself and so, if I can extrapolate my experience, I think you already know what you have to do in order to find your happiness and live the life you want to live, and I think you will make it happen. I understand the heartbreak. But I also understand being the kind of person who is unable to lie to herself or be content with something she knows isn't right. I believe that is who you are too. It will be okay. You sound strong and clear-headed. And without the additional pressures of children or financial difficulties, it will be relatively "easy" to start to move into the kind of life you truly want and therefore open yourself up to a hopeful future relationship that works for YOU. You've "outgrown him". You know this is a reset. You "knew all along" - even walking down the aisle - that this was wrong. You're just "going through the motions with couples therapy. You "have no hope" that things will change... You know it won't get better. And I agree. Take the time you need to wrap your brain around it all but do trust yourself, your instincts, and your inner strength and make the choice to find your happiness. I'm glad you joined us. EDIT: You asked the exact same question about emotional intimacy that I asked here not too long ago. Here is that thread, hopefully it will help: iliasm.org/thread/3891/talk-emotional-intimacy
|
|
|
Post by heartbrokengirl on Jul 25, 2018 20:59:00 GMT -5
You have all been so generous and kind, so thank you. Kindness, no matter what other peronsalitiy characteristics you might have, kindness is King.
I disappeared for a while because I fell for the "reset". I am broken.
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Jul 25, 2018 21:02:08 GMT -5
You have all been so generous and kind, so thank you. Kindness, no matter what other peronsalitiy characteristics you might have, kindness is King. I disappeared for a while because I fell for the "reset". I am broken. 😢 Oh no. Feel free to share, we’re here for you.
|
|
|
Post by workingonit on Jul 25, 2018 21:09:53 GMT -5
You have all been so generous and kind, so thank you. Kindness, no matter what other peronsalitiy characteristics you might have, kindness is King. I disappeared for a while because I fell for the "reset". I am broken. I am so sorry you are hurting! I must disagree with you on your interpretation of falling for the reset. I think it means we still have hope. I think it means we still want to believe that we are lovable and wantable and that the person we are dedicated to is dedicated to us. These are admirable traits. Unfortunately they often lead us to fall for a reset that is not a lasting healing to the problem. Mourn, cry, rage, and eventually, start to heal. Start to ask yourself the tough questions and look without blinders at your marriage. What you do next counts for more than what you have done before. And, yes, we are here. Feel free to vent!
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jul 25, 2018 21:11:13 GMT -5
I think I'd diagnose "badly bruised" rather than "broken" Sister heartbrokengirl . But it might be wise to start icing those bruises, mebbe engage a masseur to help dissipate them. You're not done...you're no-where near done. The marriage may well be done, but not you.
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 25, 2018 21:14:40 GMT -5
***hugs***
The community is here for you if you need it.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jul 25, 2018 21:23:13 GMT -5
You have all been so generous and kind, so thank you. Kindness, no matter what other peronsalitiy characteristics you might have, kindness is King. I disappeared for a while because I fell for the "reset". I am broken. Don't feel too bad about that. In fact be proud that you are aware of your mistakes, and that your problem is fixable. These things don't happen overnight. For those of us who have escaped, the fear of repeating the same mistakes are all too real. It helps to talk it out and build up another round of strength for the next go round, you can do this!!
|
|
|
Post by heartbrokengirl on Aug 7, 2018 19:31:06 GMT -5
Welcome heartbrokengirl . I am just getting around to reading this but just wanted to offer hugs and say that our stories sound so similar in so many ways. (And I am also in my 30s.) Once I got to the point of having the clarity you seem to have, I knew there was no other option but for me to leave. I formulated my exit plan and we had "The Talk" about a month ago. He has since moved out and I am house hunting for a smaller home for me and my young son. There has been no regret. I know he and I are still in the first stages of our divorce and there is likely to be many emotional ups and downs but not for a moment have I second guessed my decision. You and I sound similar personality-wise based on how you described yourself and so, if I can extrapolate my experience, I think you already know what you have to do in order to find your happiness and live the life you want to live, and I think you will make it happen. I understand the heartbreak. But I also understand being the kind of person who is unable to lie to herself or be content with something she knows isn't right. I believe that is who you are too. It will be okay. You sound strong and clear-headed. And without the additional pressures of children or financial difficulties, it will be relatively "easy" to start to move into the kind of life you truly want and therefore open yourself up to a hopeful future relationship that works for YOU. You've "outgrown him". You know this is a reset. You "knew all along" - even walking down the aisle - that this was wrong. You're just "going through the motions with couples therapy. You "have no hope" that things will change... You know it won't get better. And I agree. Take the time you need to wrap your brain around it all but do trust yourself, your instincts, and your inner strength and make the choice to find your happiness. I'm glad you joined us. EDIT: You asked the exact same question about emotional intimacy that I asked here not too long ago. Here is that thread, hopefully it will help: iliasm.org/thread/3891/talk-emotional-intimacy@choosinghappy I'm sorry I'm just getting around to responding to your post and your thoughtful words. I had to take a break from the forum because I felt like I was struggling with clarity and fueling the doubt and hopelessness about my marriage. "Take the time you need to wrap your brain around it all but do trust yourself, your instincts, and your inner strength and make the choice to find your happiness." Since we are so similar in our experience, what helped you do this? I feel like when I finally reached my 30s, my confidence and self-assuredness soared until I put myself in the context of my marriage. Inner strength seems so far beyond. Awesome that you have moved out and you seem to be in a good headspace, so to speak. So happy for you!
|
|
|
Post by heartbrokengirl on Aug 7, 2018 19:35:14 GMT -5
I think I'd diagnose "badly bruised" rather than "broken" Sister heartbrokengirl . But it might be wise to start icing those bruises, mebbe engage a masseur to help dissipate them. You're not done...you're no-where near done. The marriage may well be done, but not you. Thank you, baza. It helps to have a third party check my silly, fatalistic thoughts.
|
|
|
Post by heartbrokengirl on Aug 7, 2018 19:37:49 GMT -5
You have all been so generous and kind, so thank you. Kindness, no matter what other peronsalitiy characteristics you might have, kindness is King. I disappeared for a while because I fell for the "reset". I am broken. Don't feel too bad about that. In fact be proud that you are aware of your mistakes, and that your problem is fixable. These things don't happen overnight. For those of us who have escaped, the fear of repeating the same mistakes are all too real. It helps to talk it out and build up another round of strength for the next go round, you can do this!! Another round is right. Doesn't seem like the process is linear in any form or fashion. A build up of strength and resolve, then a round of sadness, hurt, etc., until the round of strength builds up so much, you finally choose to leave? And thank you for the encouragement. The fact that you've been through hell and back and still find the time to encourage others, is a testament to your beautiful human-ness.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Aug 7, 2018 20:31:04 GMT -5
Don't feel too bad about that. In fact be proud that you are aware of your mistakes, and that your problem is fixable. These things don't happen overnight. For those of us who have escaped, the fear of repeating the same mistakes are all too real. It helps to talk it out and build up another round of strength for the next go round, you can do this!! Another round is right. Doesn't seem like the process is linear in any form or fashion. A build up of strength and resolve, then a round of sadness, hurt, etc., until the round of strength builds up so much, you finally choose to leave? And thank you for the encouragement. The fact that you've been through hell and back and still find the time to encourage others, is a testament to your beautiful human-ness. Self respect is another good word. That and being cherished and desired by someone else again, (that's why we get married!) For you to demand and seek it in all your future endeavors. Up your expectations and start exercising your right to communicate your needs and desires. Its freekin' hard to do isn't it? Especially if you have been so programed to be a giver, a pleaser. Start receiving. Don't settle for a crumb and have false hope. For example I received an ego boost (and a big grin) from you, through your compliment to me about my "beautiful human-ness". A good example of giving and receiving, that's why I do it! (it's a win win situation) even if I never received a response i still receive the satisfaction that I gave to someone else and hopefully planted a seed. ( like putting a quarter in someone else's parking meter) (you should see my Vincas growing over the sides of my mailbox planter, I miracle grow them like crazy! But that's a different subject!) Well it may not have been the build up of strength, it was more the awareness of the mistreatment, and finally reaching several tipping points, when you finally say, "I'd rather live in an empty house than live with an empty spouse!" Having the FOG lifted (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt) convincing myself that i am no longer afraid, I am GreatCoastal and I can do this with support.
|
|
|
Post by sadkat on Aug 8, 2018 20:34:12 GMT -5
"Not one has ever said they regretted it, baza ? Wow, this is a sad epidemic, for sure. I see you have found your love on the other side, so thanks for sticking around and instilling hope in the rest of us." I got out when I got to the point that I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than remain in my empty marriage. I was 60 when I filed and due to my age didn't expect that I would ever find love or even sex again. I had been married for 34 years and with my h for 36. During the last years of my marriage, I started living my life very independently of my h, making friends on my own and participating in social and educational activities on my own. I learned to pay attention to my interests and do things that allowed me to become a person I enjoyed. I am now 67 and have been for 5 years with the love of my life, a man whom I met through one of my social activities. I'm grateful to have him in my life. However, even if I had remained single, I would still be happier than I was in a marriage in which the love was lost. Wow, northstarmom- you give me hope!!
|
|
|
Post by baza on Aug 8, 2018 21:31:26 GMT -5
It's worth mentioning Sister sadkat , that the choice about staying in - or leaving - your ILIASM deal has to stand up all by itself, and be independent of any other factors. In essence the sums need to come up with the answer that being single (with all the down and up sides of that choice) is preferable to being unhappily married (with all the down and up sides of that choice). If the sums don't come up with this answer (at this time), then you probably ought not entertain the idea of leaving (at this time) However, if the sums DO come up with leaving as your answer, then you get rid of one set of problems (those of being in an ILIASM shithole) but are confronted with a brand new array of problems (those of being a single person) Thing is, that this 'new' raft of problems are largely solvable ones. Further, without having to devote time and energy into the bottomless pit of an ILIASM shithole, you have 'extra' time resources and energy to direct at these problems. Will leaving guarantee you happiness ? Absolutely NOT !! But it will give you a shot at it. And if the anecdotal evidence of the membership here shows anything, it shows that most people who take the leaving option move on to greatly enhanced lives...after the awful disruption and pain that the leaving option carries with it.
|
|