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Post by heartbrokengirl on Jul 10, 2018 14:55:17 GMT -5
My heart feels heavy today.
I grieve for the person I thought he was. And I grieve for the person I thought I was. But I mostly grieve for the unbelievable relationship that I thought two amazing people could have together.
I’m new to this forum, though like most of you, I’ve have spent a long time reading your threads and learning from this group.
My husband and I have been together nearly (and only) seven years; married for almost four. We have no children and are financially stable.
Like most dating relationships, it started out fun and exciting. It wasn’t sexless, but mostly because I would initiate, and he would oblige. Not a lot of deep conversations or emotional connection, but I, admittedly, glossed over that. It should have been a red flag.
I married him because he was a good person. Honest and hardworking and funny and fun. Definitely a difficult combination to find at his age (36 when I met him, 42 now) – another red flag. Before me, he had only had two other girlfriends, and neither relationship was longer than 6 months. I should have noticed, but I tricked myself into believing it was because he was waiting for the “right one.” It was my first sign that he is fearful (absolutely terrified) of intimacy.
We went to marriage counseling last year to address this issue and our “communication” and “conflict resolution” issues. Those have improved significantly because I have spent the last year working on myself. Building patience, improving my communication style, tone, and attitude, meditating, prayer, reading books (and forums), exercising, investing in relationships that are positive influences, daily affirmations, building my confidence and self-esteem. Most importantly, I started saying NO to the things in my life that I didn’t want or didn’t contribute to my well-being, including people and relationships.
We had a talk on Friday, and it seems he’s not worked on anything. He knows it. He thinks we are fine since we stopped our marriage counseling last July. We have been trying for children the last four months, but the sex is timed, scheduled, and is the only sex we’ve had in the last year. That made me realize that he hasn’t addressed his fear of intimacy in the last year.
I’ve now since outgrown him.
I was in denial. I contributed to his co-dependency. He is dismissive avoidant. But I’ve been going on living life to grow myself, and on Friday, I was strong enough to tell him what I need to make our marriage work. We’ve had the “lack of sex” discussion on many occasions, and he said he just doesn’t know “why.” At one point, I event considered that he might be gay, and that was a long discussion about 2 years ago. He admitted then that he does not have ED – he gets off in the shower 4 or 5 times per week…you know, while I’m in the next room in the bed.
He’s obviously not even taken the time to think about it in the last four years though I’ve begged, pleaded, asked repeatedly, and sobbed until I couldn’t cry anymore. He makes empty promises to improve his verbal communication and physical affection. He does hug me and kiss me good morning and good night, but it feels innocuous. Nothing sensual at all.
Most days I feel empowered and can stand on my self-confidence and belief in myself. Today I feel beaten down.
I am 33 and want a family. More than that, while I’m young, successful, stable, and child-less, I want a deep relationship with my partner, and I can’t resign myself to living the rest of my life without emotional intimacy or sex. The next 40 or 50 years seems daunting at this point.
He agreed to go to therapy again. I know this is just a reset. My heart is heavy. I know I have to work on an exit strategy.
So, hello, my friends. I am 33 and lonely. Thank you for speaking to me for the past few months, though you didn’t know it. I appreciate you.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 10, 2018 15:17:16 GMT -5
Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in. I’m sorry you have found yourself here but I hope you can find comfort and support. I recommend that you wait on starting a family and figure out the relationship first. I would definitely throw out the divorce word to warn your H so he knows how serious this is. Marriage is about compromise and he can’t have the marriage he wants but you don’t get the marriage you want. So if whacking off in the shower 4 times a week is what he’s doing then he better compromise and have sex with you at least twice a week. It concerns me more that he is choosing to have sex with himself instead of with you and he needs to rewire himself if he values the marriage. As well if he is going to have sex with you then you need to communicate to him what your expectations are down to the frequency, positions, foreplay, and he better be enthusiastic. He needs to figure out how to become your lover if he wants you to be his wife.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2018 15:29:33 GMT -5
It might not feel like it, heartbrokengirl, but you realized and diagnosed the problem much earlier and while you are much younger than many/most of us. The process is painful but you are now positioned to take your life back. Things will improve. A lot. Good luck!
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Jul 10, 2018 15:45:45 GMT -5
Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in. I’m sorry you have found yourself here but I hope you can find comfort and support. I recommend that you wait on starting a family and figure out the relationship first. I would definitely throw out the divorce word to warn your H so he knows how serious this is. Marriage is about compromise and he can’t have the marriage he wants but you don’t get the marriage you want. So if whacking off in the shower 4 times a week is what he’s doing then he better compromise and have sex with you at least twice a week. It concerns me more that he is choosing to have sex with himself instead of with you and he needs to rewire himself if he values the marriage. As well if he is going to have sex with you then you need to communicate to him what your expectations are down to the frequency, positions, foreplay, and he better be enthusiastic. He needs to figure out how to become your lover if he wants you to be his wife. Thank you bballgirl. I did mention divorce and I think his Catholic heart almost stopped. This is what spurred him into action last year when I told him things had to improve, and we went to counseling. I thought with the improved communication and less fighting that the lovemaking would follow. More peaceful home, more peaceful bed. That obviously didn't happen. I hadn't thought of being specific in requests for sex. That will definitely be part of the next conversation, which is happening tonight as he's supposed to have scheduled our first therapy session. He's said in the past ideally we would have sex twice per week. Just telling me what I want to hear...? Kids are definitely on the back burner. Trying for that has been my wake up call. Mechanical sex for kids. No fun sex for us...ever... I've read a lot of your responses through the last year bballgirl, and I have to say that your words have given me several ah-ha moments. Thank you :hugs:
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Jul 10, 2018 15:57:12 GMT -5
It might not feel like it, heartbrokengirl , but you realized and diagnosed the problem much earlier and while you are much younger than many/most of us. The process is painful but you are now positioned to take your life back. Things will improve. A lot. Good luck! Thank you @shynjdude. Your perspective is helpful. I love a positive outlook. I'm trying to fight the feelings of failure and the comparison with friends and family our age who are having kids, taking family vacations, and still holding hands. There is no one in my circle of friends who is divorced, but hopefully I can find (and be) a friend here.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 10, 2018 16:13:43 GMT -5
Welcome! It's great to hear from a "lurker" (so to speak) my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you have come to the realization that you have been shark fishing in a gold fish bowl!
Fortunately you have no children. I'm sure you are aware that children is (in my opinion - I haven't seen the data-) the biggest reason for staying in a toxic, SM relationship.
My concern for you is your age. It's possible that there will be men in your age range for you to have a FWB or a long term with. Just be aware of "the dating scene" as you press forward. Speaking in 'generalities' men ten years, or older will be hitting on you.
You are way ahead of the game to know that more therapy will be just a stall tactic, delay,and possibly a re-set. Too many therapist are more than happy to tell you what you want to hear and keep you coming back for more and more sessions (money in their pocket) avoiding the elephant in the room. Which makes things even worse when the person needing help already has a problem with denying the elephant in the room!
I truly wish ,and expect, so much better times ahead for you! All in the long run, keep your eye on the prize, and consider the long run a painful job interview that makes no sense, and then months later you're hired and off to a new beginning!
Just a few thoughts about wacking off in the shower. Knee jerk guessing going on here! It's also why chasing, but never the less..
He sounds afraid. Afraid of what? Just speaking for myself, I was so programmed to be polite, be the nice guy, to not say or think such things about a woman,etc... that even approaching my wife and initiating sex verbally was awkward and embarrassing. Do you wan't to....you know, um, later maybe... tonight, ugh...after dinner? Just the words, "I want to have sex with you now" where some of the most difficult 8 words to say.
I remember the times of laying together in the bed, or on the couch thinking "doesn't she know that all this cuddling, kissing, hair brushing, touching is to lead up to sex? And that's from a guy who wanted it and had a high sex drive. I can only imagine what goes through a person's mind who has much deeper, harder, fears,and emotional,physical problems than what I described! Someone who is having to be in constant retreat,and has gotten so brainwashed, that they find it acceptable to cause pain on others in order to avoid their own.
By ending the relationship you will be giving both of you a priceless gift. The freedom of a new beginning without this heavy bondage.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 10, 2018 16:26:28 GMT -5
DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 10, 2018 16:29:09 GMT -5
I hadn't thought of being specific in requests for sex. That will definitely be part of the next conversation, which is happening tonight as he's supposed to have scheduled our first therapy session. He's said in the past ideally we would have sex twice per week. Just telling me what I want to hear...? Bravo to you, if you manage to get your specifics out on the table in your first session. Sadly, even though it is a very, very important topic, It may take a while. I'll be curious to see how it went?
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Post by elynne on Jul 10, 2018 16:31:14 GMT -5
Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in. I’m sorry you have found yourself here but I hope you can find comfort and support. I recommend that you wait on starting a family and figure out the relationship first. I would definitely throw out the divorce word to warn your H so he knows how serious this is. Marriage is about compromise and he can’t have the marriage he wants but you don’t get the marriage you want. So if whacking off in the shower 4 times a week is what he’s doing then he better compromise and have sex with you at least twice a week. It concerns me more that he is choosing to have sex with himself instead of with you and he needs to rewire himself if he values the marriage. As well if he is going to have sex with you then you need to communicate to him what your expectations are down to the frequency, positions, foreplay, and he better be enthusiastic. He needs to figure out how to become your lover if he wants you to be his wife. Thank you bballgirl. I did mention divorce and I think his Catholic heart almost stopped. This is what spurred him into action last year when I told him things had to improve, and we went to counseling. I thought with the improved communication and less fighting that the lovemaking would follow. More peaceful home, more peaceful bed. That obviously didn't happen. I hadn't thought of being specific in requests for sex. That will definitely be part of the next conversation, which is happening tonight as he's supposed to have scheduled our first therapy session. He's said in the past ideally we would have sex twice per week. Just telling me what I want to hear...? Kids are definitely on the back burner. Trying for that has been my wake up call. Mechanical sex for kids. No fun sex for us...ever... I've read a lot of your responses through the last year bballgirl, and I have to say that your words have given me several ah-ha moments. Thank you :hugs: I applaud the choice to put kids on the back burner for now. Being financially independent and not having children removes some major roadblocks. If the relationship isn’t healthy now and he has dismissive avoidant attachment issues, throw a crying baby and sleep deprivation into the mix, things certainly won’t be improving. You’ve got time, youth, and health on your side. Don’t squander them! Edited to add: This isn’t easy for anyone. Financial issues to solve just makes it a whole lot more complicated and time consuming. Having kids together means you’ll be likely maintaining contact with this person for a very, very long time. Be smart. Have kids with someone who desires you and to be around you. It just makes everything else so much easier.
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Jul 10, 2018 16:36:50 GMT -5
DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN. Not happening now. It was the four months of trying that made me realize he CAN have sex if he wants to. Children would be another opportunity to protect his cushioned lifestyle for the foreseeable future. It was my wake up call.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 10, 2018 16:53:58 GMT -5
DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN. Not happening now. It was the four months of trying that made me realize he CAN have sex if he wants to. Children would be another opportunity to protect his cushioned lifestyle for the foreseeable future. It was my wake up call. You're smarter than me. Took me until the second child (with an almost 4 year gap between them) for me to wake up. Come to think of it, most everyone is smarter than me!
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Jul 10, 2018 17:04:51 GMT -5
Thanks for the words of encouragement greatcoastal and elynne. I'll let you know how it goes!
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Post by ted on Jul 10, 2018 17:07:27 GMT -5
Welcome, heartbrokengirl. I was exactly your age when I started my exit. I dawdled a few more years (4), and regret it now. I wish I could have those years back. Act swiftly, once you know the answer—and you know the answer. You're well positioned, and it sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders. It's painful, but it heals with time. Waiting only prolongs the pain and postpones the recovery.
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Jul 10, 2018 17:10:28 GMT -5
Not happening now. It was the four months of trying that made me realize he CAN have sex if he wants to. Children would be another opportunity to protect his cushioned lifestyle for the foreseeable future. It was my wake up call. You're smarter than me. Took me until the second child (with an almost 4 year gap between them) for me to wake up. Come to think of it, most everyone is smarter than me! I doubt that shamwow! Waking up at any point generally requires some kind of self awareness/smarts. Give yourself some credit. As for me, I'm just less patient than most people.
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Jul 10, 2018 17:22:13 GMT -5
Ahhh ted! Thank you for the kind words. As much as it hurts to know someone else my age has gone through it, it's a huge comfort to hear a survival story. Tell me...what finally got you moving after 4 years?
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