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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 14, 2017 13:56:33 GMT -5
Another member here made me realize I feel unclear about my comfortability with emotional intimacy. Likely, in part, due to a lack of it in my marriage.
Help me out everyone: What does true emotional intimacy mean to you? What are the most important parts of it? Give me some good examples.
When thinking about emotional intimacy I often think about vulnerability -- being able to share your true authentic self with someone without fear of judgment or criticism. Sharing both fears and joy and receiving validation in return.
What else?
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 14, 2017 14:35:37 GMT -5
True emotional intimacy is when one can comfortably talk with someone about things that make you vulnerable and they listen and are fully present with empathy.
I didn’t have it with my mom. She’d deny my feelings by telling me I was too sensitive or was wrong.
I didn’t have it with my husband. He’d sit and listen but never really responded. For instance, when I didn’t get tenure in the department he’d easily gotten tenure 6 months after joining the faculty, he listened to my heartbreak but expected me to go to Dept parties to, as he put it, show them how well I was doing! Meanwhile I was so seriously depressed I could barely get out of bed.’
I have it with Post sm lover. When something is bothering me, he listens really listens and tries to respect and acknowledge my viewpoint. He holds me and even makes love to me. Even if my perspective is something he wouldn’t think of or feel, he respects my right to have feelings and he is really there for me. After I talk to him about something painful, I feel closer to him, not like I’ve been scolded or abandoned or dismissed.
I did not know what I’d been missing with my husband until I got in this relationship.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Nov 14, 2017 15:02:29 GMT -5
northstarmom described it perfectly. I’d like to add that emotional intimacy includes the ability to ask for what you need sexually. It’s the security of knowing that your partner will not make you feel shame for your sexual needs.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 14, 2017 17:35:15 GMT -5
I think that the sharing fears and joys is an important (if insufficient) component of emotional intimacy. From my perspective, however, shared DREAMS are even more important. Fears and joys are by their nature, transitory. If you have a bad (or good) day, having someone you can be vulnerable with can provide an emotional band-aid. A therapist can do that for a reasonable co-pay if your insurance is good. But the good day will pass as will the bad day. But being able to share your dreams? That is truly sharing who you ARE. Now, when I refer to dreams, I'm not talking about planning a "dream vacation" together or some such activity. That is planning a diversion from the rest of your life with someone. I'm referring to matching up what you want out of life with what your partner wants out of life. And when you are both striving towards that same dream? Well, then your fears and joys are shared fears and joys towards a common purpose in life. THAT is emotional intimacy. Physical intimacy naturally flows from that wellspring of emotion. My ex-wife and I never shared any common purpose in life. We truly had nothing in common other than our children. Even if it wasn't a bait/switch from the beginning sexually, we really had no business getting married. In stark contrast, ballofconfusion and I are both dreaming the same beautiful dream. I am a lucky man and she is a lucky woman.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2017 18:26:13 GMT -5
This is an excellent topic, and I never really thought about it before.
Perhaps to add to the list, emotional intimacy is knowing your partner will support you and be supportive of you - even if they disagree with you.
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drbamboo
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Age Range: 56-60
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Post by drbamboo on Nov 14, 2017 19:05:15 GMT -5
You can say anything to your SO (and I've revealed some pretty weird s*** from my past) and they look at you and say "so where's the weird part".
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 14, 2017 19:37:49 GMT -5
"Emotionally naked"
I think it goes hand-in-hand with a deep trust. Having faith that you can share literally anything with your spouse. They may not agree and support everything, but they won't think less of you for sharing it, and they sure as hell won't use it against you later.
A personal example... in 3 decades, W has never opened up to me about what turns her on, her fantasies, what pleasures her, or expressed an orgasm. She's incapable of being vulnerable with me. She's ashamed of embarrassing topics.
I feel like she keeps me emotionally at arms-length, not letting me into her circle of trust. I'm left at guessing what might be good, and then questioning if it was. I don't feel trusted, and that makes me very self-conscious about what I'll share with her. What I do share has a tendency to come back later and I regret having shared with her.
That kind of keeping the spouse at arm's-length isn't healthy. It creates a very cold, co-worker relationship. There's no prospect of intimately "melting into each other", even when there is close physical contact.
Just my two cents.
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 14, 2017 19:58:02 GMT -5
Trust, honesty, no judgement, a sense of comfort to be oneself.
This can be sexual and non sexual.
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Post by solodriver on Nov 14, 2017 21:41:03 GMT -5
To me, emotional intimacy is the glue that makes the relationship deeply special and loving. Without it, it's just a friendship, not love. And a marriage without it, it's just 2 people playing house, not a relationship.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 14, 2017 23:09:21 GMT -5
You can say anything to your SO (and I've revealed some pretty weird s*** from my past) and they look at you and say "so where's the weird part". That really is an awesome feeling isn't it?
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Post by baza on Nov 15, 2017 2:04:47 GMT -5
Another member here made me realize I feel unclear about my comfortability with emotional intimacy. Likely, in part, due to a lack of it in my marriage. Help me out everyone: What does true emotional intimacy mean to you? What are the most important parts of it? Give me some good examples. When thinking about emotional intimacy I often think about vulnerability -- being able to share your true authentic self with someone without fear of judgment or criticism. Sharing both fears and joy and receiving validation in return. What else? I think that in the broadest sense, your summary - "being able to share your true authentic self with someone without fear of judgment or criticism. Sharing both fears and joy and receiving validation in return" - is pretty much on the money. Personally, with the above well entrenched in my post ILIASM relationship with Ms enna, the question - "what else ?" - is not particularly relevant to me. I am ecstatically happy with the first bit being in place. Everything else hangs off that.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2017 10:17:03 GMT -5
"Emotionally naked" I think it goes hand-in-hand with a deep trust. Having faith that you can share literally anything with your spouse. They may not agree and support everything, but they won't think less of you for sharing it, and they sure as hell won't use it against you later. A personal example... in 3 decades, W has never opened up to me about what turns her on, her fantasies, what pleasures her, or expressed an orgasm. She's incapable of being vulnerable with me. She's ashamed of embarrassing topics. I feel like she keeps me emotionally at arms-length, not letting me into her circle of trust. I'm left at guessing what might be good, and then questioning if it was. I don't feel trusted, and that makes me very self-conscious about what I'll share with her. What I do share has a tendency to come back later and I regret having shared with her. That kind of keeping the spouse at arm's-length isn't healthy. It creates a very cold, co-worker relationship. There's no prospect of intimately "melting into each other", even when there is close physical contact. Just my two cents. I agree with everything was said here on this thread so far about trusting, conexion, share without judging, looking forward to the future and making plans together.... thinking about all of that excluding the sexual part I can say I have an emotional intimacy with H. But DryCreek said something that I believe is important for a marriage: to be able to share about your fantasies, your pleasures. That I was never able to do with him. He doesn’t know where I like to be touched ou kissed, my fantasies... because he never made me comfortable to do it. And example. Once I decided for the first time to take some pics in my underwear. I was feeling very confident and sexy at that time and I took some beautiful pics. Before I could send/show him, he found out one of them on my phone - my daughter took my phone to play while I was taking a shower - and his reaction was unexpected bad to it, saying I should never take pics like that “if someone see it? What would we do?” I couldn’t understand why he was acting like that. I really didn’t care if someone could see my pics, I was beautiful, the naked body parts were all the parts anyone can see at a pool or a beach... so what’s the problem? All he did was diminish me for what I did and I didn’t get a single compliment... After that I’ve been feeling even more ashamed to share those kind of things with him. And I know we don’t have emotional intimacy
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 15, 2017 10:29:23 GMT -5
“Another member here made me realize I feel unclear about my comfortability with emotional intimacy. Likely, in part, due to a lack of it in my marriage.”
You could be uncomfortable with emotional intimacy due to childhood experiences that caused you to equate intimacy with danger. This could have caused you to select a mate who can’t be very intimate. He would feel safe to you. You don’t have to fear his erupting in anger.
If you had a parent who was enmeshed with you, you also could equate sexual and emotional intimacy with losing yourself and being engulfed by another. My mom lived her life through me. She also would become vicious when I didn’t live the kind of life she wanted. I find it important to maintain clear separation from partners including lots of me time. I’ve gotten more comfortable with emotional closeness over the years, but did pick a husband who lacked the ability to be very emotionally close. As I healed more from my childhood and became more comfort with closeness, he became increasingly a bad fit with me. He was, however, initially a good fit as I was very emotionally repressed.
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 15, 2017 12:45:33 GMT -5
Agreed, @feelingrejected, and while my example was sexual, I also agree with bballgirl that it extends to non-sexual intimacy as well. How one enjoys being touched, kissed, nibbled. Hopes and dreams for the future. Or even mundane, embarrassing stuff like, "I have a rash that's very uncomfortable." Anything you can say here under veil of anonymity, you should be able to comfortably share in your relationship without judgement if it's truly healthy and emotionally solid. "Laid bare", as the phrase goes - completely exposed.
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 15, 2017 13:15:52 GMT -5
Anything you can say here under veil of anonymity, you should be able to comfortably share in your relationship without judgement if it's truly healthy and emotionally solid. "Laid bare", as the phrase goes - completely exposed. I think this is a great point DC.
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