nahmastay
Junior Member
Posts: 29 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by nahmastay on May 17, 2016 22:17:21 GMT -5
My feelings about sex have most definitely been affected by being in a SM. half the time I feel apprehensive towards sex and associate rejection simutaneously with potential satisfaction. It makes me feel sad the other half of the time because if we do actually have sex it will be very vanilla and who knows how many rejections I will have to absorb before the next reset.
It's so confusing because we are intimate on other levels. Kissing, hugging, holding hands, soft caresses etc, I feel loved on many levels I'm just not physically fulfilled nor do I feel desired. My first marriage was with someone who had an equally high sex drive as I and we had an exceptional sex life however, he was controlling and not a partner on any level. His mental abuse eventually became physical abuse and as a result I left the marriage. However, I'm not at the point where I would leave this marriage. Oh the irony of it all...
We had a great day today. Celebrated my mothers birthday, lots of love, connecting and laughter, some stolen hugs and kisses in the kitchen and then yawn, stretch oh what a day, sooooooooo sleepy...
Womp womp. Here I lay, in bed watching bad TV and venting online. i feel like I filled everyone else's tank today nurturing needs and now I'm on empty.
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Post by lwoetin on May 17, 2016 23:15:58 GMT -5
If there is a sexual purgatory then there must be a sexual heaven to look forward to.
I am sorry it ended at the hugs and kisses. Feel free to vent online. Are you drinking hot green tea? And do you have a black kitty?
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nahmastay
Junior Member
Posts: 29
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by nahmastay on May 18, 2016 3:07:31 GMT -5
If there is a sexual purgatory then there must be a sexual heaven to look forward to. I am sorry it ended at the hugs and kisses. Feel free to vent online. Are you drinking hot green tea? And do you have a black kitty?oooh yes, sexual heaven, let's hope that does indeed exist. I feel like a woman who should have a vat of green tea and 20 cats but I'm drinking whiskey and working into the wee hours of the am =) |
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Post by wewbwb on May 18, 2016 7:37:19 GMT -5
If there is a sexual purgatory then there must be a sexual heaven to look forward to. I am sorry it ended at the hugs and kisses. Feel free to vent online. Are you drinking hot green tea? And do you have a black kitty?oooh yes, sexual heaven, let's hope that does indeed exist. I feel like a woman who should have a vat of green tea and 20 cats but I'm drinking whiskey and working into the wee hours of the am =) Late night whiskey! AWESOME! Being in a SM certainly can screw with your mind. It becomes difficult to determine a proper amount of "intimacy" - at least in my case. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2016 9:14:18 GMT -5
nahmastay, it's interesting that your husband provides intimacy and partnership but not sex. Does he have performance issues that he's unwilling to discuss? Just thinking out loud. Mine provides neither physical nor emotional intimacy and certainly not sex. He's a brick wall. Good stuff there!! 
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nahmastay
Junior Member
Posts: 29
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by nahmastay on May 18, 2016 10:41:39 GMT -5
nahmastay, it's interesting that your husband provides intimacy and partnership but not sex. Does he have performance issues that he's unwilling to discuss? Just thinking out loud. Mine provides neither physical nor emotional intimacy and certainly not sex. He's a brick wall. Good stuff there!! Oh how I wish there were performance issues, if that were so I wouldn't feel so rejected. I think it is a case of very mismatched libidos and he has said that sex is just not something he thinks about. So sorry for your brick wall. I really don't know what's worse. Ya know, some affection or none. |
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nahmastay
Junior Member
Posts: 29
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by nahmastay on May 18, 2016 10:48:57 GMT -5
oooh yes, sexual heaven, let's hope that does indeed exist. I feel like a woman who should have a vat of green tea and 20 cats but I'm drinking whiskey and working into the wee hours of the am =) Late night whiskey! AWESOME! Being in a SM certainly can screw with your mind. It becomes difficult to determine a proper amount of "intimacy" - at least in my case. Normally I'm able to accept whatever intimacy I can get but this week I'm bitter and don't want any of it. It's like he gets what he needs and he's thinks it's the perfect amount. I'm trying to find a way to balance these feelings. |
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Post by ggold on May 18, 2016 11:23:28 GMT -5
It's so confusing because we are intimate on other levels. Kissing, hugging, holding hands, soft caresses etc, I feel loved on many levels I'm just not physically fulfilled nor do I feel desired. I must be in sexual hell then. . no kissing, hugging, holding hands, soft caresses, sex...nothing. I don't want this from him now, but haven't had it in years. sigh!! :-( Hang in there!! |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2016 12:16:23 GMT -5
nahmastay , it's interesting that your husband provides intimacy and partnership but not sex. Does he have performance issues that he's unwilling to discuss? Just thinking out loud. Mine provides neither physical nor emotional intimacy and certainly not sex. He's a brick wall. Good stuff there!! Oh how I wish there were performance issues, if that were so I wouldn't feel so rejected. I think it is a case of very mismatched libidos and he has said that sex is just not something he thinks about. So sorry for your brick wall. I really don't know what's worse. Ya know, some affection or none. I suppose the truth is that neither situation is a happy one. I understand that there have to be compromises in a marriage, I really do, but the issues we are dealing with (needs, really) are so primal that one shouldn't have to compromise as much as we are. It simply hurts too much, emotionally and physically (the lack of touch just makes me ache). |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2016 12:17:38 GMT -5
sigh!! :-( Hang in there!! Haha, me too ggold. At least we're in good company, no? |
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Post by ggold on May 18, 2016 12:18:08 GMT -5
sigh!! :-( Hang in there!! Haha, me too ggold . At least we're in good company, no? For sure @elle!!! |
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Post by dancingbear70 on May 18, 2016 12:37:10 GMT -5
nahmastay, it's interesting that your husband provides intimacy and partnership but not sex. Does he have performance issues that he's unwilling to discuss? Just thinking out loud. Mine provides neither physical nor emotional intimacy and certainly not sex. He's a brick wall. Good stuff there!! Oh how I wish there were performance issues, if that were so I wouldn't feel so rejected. I think it is a case of very mismatched libidos and he has said that sex is just not something he thinks about. So sorry for your brick wall. I really don't know what's worse. Ya know, some affection or none. This is an interesting response to you. It has to be more than not thinking about it since he rejects your advances. He must actively dislike it. Is he overt in his refusal? |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2016 12:42:52 GMT -5
This is such a painful thread. I'm no longer in my relationship, but it brings back some sad memories.
I remember wondering what on earth I had done - if I was being punished in some way. The old "It's all my fault/I'm not good enough" tapes playing in my head again.
I remember that my guy DID have health issues and depression...and that I DID try to help him. But we got to a point where he had to do something, too, in order for him to get better. Trying to help him with his problems was like throwing a stick for your dog to chase, but the dog never chases it. So you go pick up the stick yourself and try again...and again...and again. How many times do you go pick up the stick and try throwing it again?
I remember feeling very resentful and angry - he was getting everything he wanted from me, and I was supposed to be content with not getting things from him. Not only the sex, but the energy and the flow of a normal relationship with a man. (Before his problems became so heavy that both of us together couldn't carry them.) And I know that there are times in a relationship when one person is giving more than the other. But how long is one person's turn supposed to be?
And it would cycle back and forth...self-blame to resentment and back again.
I still feel bad sometimes that I wasn't good enough...wasn't patient enough, or was too selfishly focused on what I wanted. But at the same time, I just have to ask: How long was that supposed to continue?
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Post by RumRunner on May 18, 2016 13:12:15 GMT -5
For me, I am not sure if it is purgatory or just a very very dark place, I am not feeling any "fire" within me anymore. If there was a sexual heaven, then certainly I wouldn't deserve to be there..... I feel like that I deserve to be where I am at. That is how I feel, and there is no changing it. After more than 15 years of no sex at all, if she was to offer any sex now I would say no. It wouldn't feel right after all this time. I guess that makes me the refuser then huh?
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nahmastay
Junior Member
Posts: 29
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by nahmastay on May 18, 2016 18:39:57 GMT -5
Oh how I wish there were performance issues, if that were so I wouldn't feel so rejected. I think it is a case of very mismatched libidos and he has said that sex is just not something he thinks about. So sorry for your brick wall. I really don't know what's worse. Ya know, some affection or none. This is an interesting response to you. It has to be more than not thinking about it since he rejects your advances. He must actively dislike it. Is he overt in his refusal? When we do have sex he almost always remarks on how much he does enjoy it and says we should do it more regularly... In counseling we discovered that he wasn't honest about the low sex drive in the beginning of our relationship and that he has always been this way. i thought it was shyness that prevented him from making the first move and as long as I initiated it was a go. Those were the early years. I guess as time went on he felt he didn't have to say yes as much because we were so comfortable. The no answer became more and more frequent. I really think that what is occurring now is his organic lack of sexual appetite and he just doesn't require it as much to be satisfied. For all I know he could be asexual. There should be a law against low sex drive people pretending otherwise in order to keep their high sex drive partners happy and interested in the beginning of a relationship. The therapist says that it's normal for some people to have low to no sex drive and that we are clearly mismatched on that level. |
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